Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Need Samples

 

 

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

[worldangel]

Joke: How to go to kitchen?

 

 

An elderly man who denies he is being forgetful was asked by his wife to get a cup of coffee at midnight. "Oh sure my dear, and what else?"

 

 

"That's it honey, the last time you got me a coffee, you forgot to put sugar and cream," the old wife remarked. "That's not true, for as long as I can remember, I do not forget anything,” boasts the grandpa.

 

 

"OK sweetheart, in that case, please get me some cookies too," was the sweet reply of grandma. "As you wish my dear," says the hubby, then he adds, "by the way, how do I go to the kitchen?"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Senior Prom

 

 

A high school girl is getting ready for her senior prom. Let’s call her Jen. Now, Jen has been dreaming if this day for her entire life. She has everything set up perfectly; she’s got a hot date, and the perfect dress.

 

All of a sudden, as Mother Nature is wont to do, Jen gets her period, and it’s a particularly heavy flow this month. Jen runs to her bathroom to find some tampons, but she’s an idiot and hadn’t gone to get any. “FUCK!” Yells Jen.

 

As she often does when she really needs help, Jen calls up her fairy godmother. “What is it you need deary?” Asks the fairy godmother. “Look,” said Jen, “Im about to go to prom and my period came and I don’t have any tampons!! Can you help me out?” “Of course!” Says fairy godmother, “take this magic tampon. It’ll soak up even the heaviest flow, but there’s on condition. You MUST be back by midnight or that tampon will turn into a pumpkin!”

 

“Yeah okthxBAI” says Jen, and she heads out for the night.

 

11:45 comes around and the fairy godmother is up waiting for Jen. 11:55 No sign of Jen, and the fairy godmother is getting worried. 12:00…..no Jen. Fairy godmother is PISSED. “WHAT THE FUCK,” she cries out into the night. 1:00…no Jen 2:00….nothing 3:00 strikes and Jen finally rolls in. “What the fuck happened?” Asked the fairy godmother. “Where have you been? Are you all right?? You worried me to death!”

 

 

“No no fairy godmother I’m fine I’m fine!” Said Jen. “I met the most amaaazing boy! My night was perfect!”

“Jen that’s ridiculous I’m much more concerned about your safety! What was this boy’s name, huh?”

“His name was, uhh… Peter Peter…something eater..”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Ducks walk into a bar

 

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

 

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

 

“Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”

 

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

 

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

 

The same thing happens for two weeks, then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”

 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the barman.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the barman.

 

“The circus?” the duck asks again with the big tent?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.

 

“Of course,” the barman replies.

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

 

“That’s right!” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, “What on earth would they want with a plasterer??!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Can I have some?

 

 

A young boy and his grandfather were sitting outside enjoying the summer breeze.

The boys grandfather pulled out a cigar, lit it, and puffed away contently.

The boy looked at his grandfather and asked if he could take a puff.

The grandfather replied, “Can your dick touch your ass?” to which the boy responded, “No sir.”

 

“Then you are not old enough” the grandfather snapped back.

A few minutes later the grandfather pulled a beer out of his cooler, and took a sip.

The boy asked if he could try the beer.

 

The grandfather replied, “Can your dick touch your ass?” to which the boy responded, “No sir.”

Grandpa huffed. “Then you are not old enough.”

The boy gave up and ran inside the house to go play.

 

An hour later the boy came outside with a plate of cookies.

The grandfather asked the boy, “Can I have a cookie?”

The boy replied, “Can your dick touch your ass?”

 

 

Grandpa laughed. “Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass.”

The boy smirked. “Then go f*ck yourself, grandma made these cookies for me.”

[clementi]

Joke: Police inspects

 

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings…

‘Hello, is this the Police?’

‘Yes. What can I do for you?’

 

‘Ah’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor Mr. Dugly Smith….ya see sir, he’s hidin’ marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he’s a-hidin’ it there.’

‘Thank you very much for the call, sir.’

 

The next day, Police Officers descend on Dugly’s house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Dugly and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Dugly’s house.

‘Hey, Dugly! This here’s Floyd….Did the Sheriff come?’

 

‘Yup sure did!’

‘Did they chop all-a ya’all firewood?’

‘Yup!’

‘Happy Birthday, buddy!’

 

[clementi]

Joke: Some things you just can’t explain

 

 

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

 

The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. “Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

 

“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied.

“So what happened then?” the man asked.

The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”

“And then?”

 

“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

Man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

 

“So, what did you do then?” the man asked.

“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

“Hmmm . . . ” the man said and nodded his head.

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.

“So, what did you do?” the man asked.

 

“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can’t explain.”

[clementi]

Joke: New nurse

 

 

It’s early in the morning, and Johnny, who’s ten years old, is telling his younger brother Freddie that he’s going to use a Bad Word that day. Freddie thinks this is most daring thing ever, and asks,“Really??? That’s soooo cool! What word you gonna use? Huh?”

Johnny whispers “I’m going to say ‘God-damn’!”

 

Freddie is really impressed. “Wow! I wanna say a bad word too! I’m going to say… say… ASS!”

They are both really excited and are whispering and planning until their mother calls them down to breakfast. They can barely control their giggling when their mother sweetly asks,

“What would you like for breakfast, Johnny?”

 

And Johnny, with a conspiratorial look at his brother, says “I’m gonna have… gonna have… gonna have some god-damn eggs!”

Their mother is stunned, then furious – “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!”, and grabs Johnny by the scruff of his neck, turns him over and spanks him until he’s sore and crying, and then sends him straight up to bed. Then, still furious, she turns to Freddie and demands,“And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man!?”

 

Freddie is utterly cowed and can barely speak he’s so scared, but finally manages to speak,

“I’m … I’m… I’m… not sure – but you can bet your ass I don’t want no god-damn eggs!”

[clementi]

Joke: Expensive Florsheim Shoes

 

 

Geno walks to work every day. Each way he passes a shoe store. Each time he can’t help himself but to stop, look in the window and admire a particular pair of Florsheim shoes.

 

He wants those shoes so much…it’s all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves every last penny to get the $300 he needs to buy the shoes.

 

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Geno seizes this opportunity to wear his new Florsheim leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, “Sophia, are you wearing red panties tonight?”

 

Startled, Sophia replies, “Yes, Geno , I am wearing red panties tonight, but how do you know?”

Geno answers, “I see the reflection in my new $300 Florsheim leather shoes.” With a smile he moves on.

 

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, “Rosa , are you wearing white panties tonight?”

 

Rosa answers, “Yes, Geno, I do, but how do you know that?”

He replies, “I see the reflection in my new $300 Florsheim leather shoes.” With a coy laugh he moves on.

 

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played Geno asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red…

He states, ‘Carmela, my sweetheart, Please, please tell me you are wearing no panties tonight. Please, please, tell me this true!”

 

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, “Yes Geno , I am not wearing panties tonight…”

Geno gasps, “Thank God …I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Florsheim leather shoes!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Breakfast

 

 

It’s early in the morning, and Johnny, who’s ten years old, is telling his younger brother Freddie that he’s going to use a Bad Word that day. Freddie thinks this is most daring thing ever, and asks,

 

“Really??? That’s soooo cool! What word you gonna use? Huh?”

Johnny whispers “I’m going to say ‘God-damn’!”

Freddie is really impressed. “Wow! I wanna say a bad word too! I’m going to say… say… ASS!”

 

They are both really excited and are whispering and planning until their mother calls them down to breakfast. They can barely control their giggling when their mother sweetly asks,“What would you like for breakfast, Johnny?”

 

And Johnny, with a conspiratorial look at his brother, says “I’m gonna have… gonna have… gonna have some god-damn eggs!”

Their mother is stunned, then furious – “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!”, and grabs Johnny by the scruff of his neck, turns him over and spanks him until he’s sore and crying, and then sends him straight up to bed. Then, still furious, she turns to Freddie and demands, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man!?”

 

Freddie is utterly cowed and can barely speak he’s so scared, but finally manages to speak, “I’m … I’m… I’m… not sure – but you can bet your ass I don’t want no god-damn eggs!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Teenage granddaughter

 

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

 

The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.

 

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

 

“Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Speaking with the general

 

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

 

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

 

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”

 

Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.

 

The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”

The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”

 

The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”

 

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”

The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Father, mother and son

 

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, “Mummy, what is that long thing?”

His mother replies, “That, son, is the elephant’s trunk.”
“No, at the other end.”
“That, son is the tail.”

“No, mummy, the thing under the elephant.”

A short embarrassed silence after which she replies,
“That’s nothing.”
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.

“Daddy, what is that long thing?”
“That’s the trunk, son,” replies the father.

“No at the other end.”
“Oh, that is the tail.”

“No, no daddy, the thing below,” asks the son in desperation.
“That is the elephant’s penis. Why do you ask son?”

“Well mummy said it was nothing,” says the boy.
Replies the father: “I tell you, I spoil that woman …”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Swimming in the lake

 

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

 

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.

He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: ‘You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.’

 

‘Impossible’, said the embarrassed man, ‘You really know what I think?’

‘Yes’, the lady replied, ‘Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom.’

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman goes to Walmart

 

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn’t work. The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

 

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!”

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.

 

The Manager comes up to the Woman and asks, “What’s wrong?” !

She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

 

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!”

 

In shock, the store manager pleads, “Ma’am, why are you saying that?”

In a huff, the woman says, “BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I’M GETTING SCREWED!

[worldangel]

Joke: A doctor at the bank

 

 

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to ‘write’ with it.

 

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well that’s great, just great… some asshole’s got my pen.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Couple goes on holiday

 

A couple goes on holiday to a fishing resort at Lakes Entrance. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

 

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

 

Although not familiar with the lakes area, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a fishing inspector in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies (thinking “isn’t that obvious!”).
“You’re in a restricted area, no fishing” he informs her.
“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and make a report.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the man.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” He said and he left …………..

[worldangel]

Joke: Hard financial times

 

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

 

She’s not there stand, for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.”

He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”.

 

She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ……

 

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Girl came skipping home

 

A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” her mother replied.

 

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, pumpkin, it’s because you’re blonde.”

 

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No, it’s because you’re 25.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gift for birthday

 

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped."

 

His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that.

 

The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma’s idea

 

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims.

 

The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again.

 

The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The three brothers

 

Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night.

 

He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters."

 

The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept.

 

The first man said, "I slept like a pig."

 

The second man said ,"I slept like a cow."

 

The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."

[worldangel]

Joke: An old couple

 

There was an old couple laying in bed.

 

The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: All kind of sandwiches

 

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00."

 

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

 

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am."

 

The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two cowboys

 

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position.

 

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

 

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.

 

"What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.'

 

Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Losing interest

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

 

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

 

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"

 

The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 25^th anniversary

 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

 

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

 

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

 

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hearing aid

 

An elderly couple is in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?"

 

The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: On the highway

 

There is a senior citizen driving on the highway.

 

His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

 

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Password

 

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

 

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

[worldangel]

Joke: At the dinner table

 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

 

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

 

“Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

 

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

 

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Life sentence

 

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.

 

Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.

 

So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

 

Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

 

The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two boys

 

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long.

 

The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running.

 

The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.

 

The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Premature ejaculation

 

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

 

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.

 

That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

 

The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Married 10 times

 

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist. All he did was look at it.

 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How were people born?

 

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

 

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

 

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

 

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

 

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Your monkey?

 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

 

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

 

The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Police pulls him over

 

 

A man gets pulled over for swerving.

The Police officer says to the driver, “Sir, I’m going to need you to take a breathalyzer test for me.”

 

Driver: “I’m sorry officer, I can’t do that.”

Police officer: “Why not, sir?”

 

Driver: “Because I have asthma and it will aggravate my condition.”

Police officer: “Okay sir, then I’m going to prick your finger and draw a drop of blood to test.”

 

Driver: “Oh I’m sorry officer, I won’t be able to do that either.”

Police officer: “What is the problem, sir?”

 

Driver: “Well you see, the thing is that I’m anemic.”

Police officer: “Okay sir, then I’m going to need to ask you to step out of the car and walk the line at the side of the road.”

 

Driver: “I’m sorry officer, but I can’t do that either.”

Police officer: “And why is that, sir?”

 

Driver: “Because I’m drunk.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tattoo

 

 

For a couple’s anniversary, this guys wife wants to get the words “beautiful butt” tattood across her ass, since he’s always saying how beautiful her butt is.

 

She goes to get the tattoo, but the artist says that the words are too long and she doesn’t have enough room. She decided to abbreviate the words to BB, one B on each cheek. The artist says he can do that.

 

She gets home to find her husband in bed reading. She strips for him, and turns around and bends over and grabs her ankles. Her husband looks at her ass and says “Who the hell is BOB?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Big dig contest

 

 

A man and his wife were talking and he says, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest."

 

"Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"

"But sweet thing," he says, "the prize is $100!"

 

"I don't care," she says, "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."

So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars. "Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?"

 

"Please forgive me, sweetheart," he says.

"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes.

 

The man looks at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Breakfast

 

 

It’s early in the morning, and Johnny, who’s ten years old, is telling his younger brother Freddie that he’s going to use a Bad Word that day.

 

Freddie thinks this is most daring thing ever, and asks, “Really??? That’s soooo cool! What word you gonna use? Huh?”

 

Johnny whispers “I’m going to say ‘God-damn’!”

Freddie is really impressed. “Wow! I wanna say a bad word too! I’m going to say… say… ASS!”

 

They are both really excited and are whispering and planning until their mother calls them down to breakfast. They can barely control their giggling when their mother sweetly asks, “What would you like for breakfast, Johnny?”

 

And Johnny, with a conspiratorial look at his brother, says “I’m gonna have… gonna have… gonna have some god-damn eggs!”

 

Their mother is stunned, then furious – “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!”, and grabs Johnny by the scruff of his neck, turns him over and spanks him until he’s sore and crying, and then sends him straight up to bed. Then, still furious, she turns to Freddie and demands, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man!?”

 

Freddie is utterly cowed and can barely speak he’s so scared, but finally manages to speak, “I’m … I’m… I’m… not sure – but you can bet your ass I don’t want no god-damn eggs!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Businesswoman

 

 

There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.

 

The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

 

A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.

 

“So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren’t disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Captured by cannibals

 

 

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

 

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples”. The king then explained the trial to him. “You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten”

 

The first apple went in, but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

 

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it? The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.

[clementi]

Joke: Pass the salt darling

 

 

A man was invited for dinner at a friend’s house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her “My Love”, “Darling”, “Sweetheart”, etc., etc.

 

His friend looked at him and said, “That’s really nice after all of these years you have been married to keep saying those little pet names.

 

The host said, Well, honestly, I’ve forgotten her name.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A man walking with a lion

 

 

A man was walking a lion down the street when they were stopped by a police officer.

The police officer said, You shouldn’t be walking that lion down the street, you need to take him to the zoo.

 

The man replies, OK

 

The next day he sees the same police officer again, and he still had his lion.

The police officer said, I thought I told you to take that lion to the zoo!

 

The man replies, I did, and today I’m taking him to the movies!

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A lawyer had a client

 

 

A lawyer had a client who was accused of bank robbery. He was caught with the money shortly after he left the bank. He stood and addressed the bench.

 

Your honor, my client is innocent of bank robbery. He was actually borrowing the money.

 

He wanted to open an account at another bank which offered higher interest rates and needed at least $10,000. He would have paid back the money in a few years.

 

[clementi]

Joke: A lonely frog

 

 

A lonely frog calls a psychic hotline and asks what his future holds.

His personal psychic adviser tells him, you are going to meet a young girl who will want to know everything about you.

 

The frog is excited about the news. That’s great! Will I meet her at a party? he croaks.

No, says the psychic. In biology class.

 

[clementi]

Joke: At drink bar

 

A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink.

 

“I’ll have a bourbon and Coke!”

The man then turns to his dog and asks, “What are you going to have, Rover?”

“I’ll have a Scotch and soda — light on the soda,” says Rover.

 

The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. “Come on,” he says, “that dog can’t talk — you’re a ventriloquist!”

 

“No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself — but don’t let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog.”

 

The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone.

“Hey, where’s my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight.”

“Aw, I didn’t believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper.”

 

“Let’s go look for him,” said the man.

The two went to the drugstore — no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets — no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away.

 

Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, “How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!”

 

“First time I ever had any money!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: First year student at Medical school

 

 

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

 

The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body”.

 

 For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing! He told his students.

 

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now

learn to pay attention.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Female comebacks

 

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

 

Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

 

Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign? Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized

 

Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?

 

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.