Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Three Firefighters

 

 

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was miserable and they hadn’t seen any deer all day. Finally they came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker.

 

After loosing a couple of hands, rookie threw down his cards and said “That does it! I am going out to get me a deer.”

 

Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The captain and the chief asked, “How did you get that?”

 

The rookie replied, “I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck.” The captain then said, “I’ve had enough of this I am going to get my deer.” He came back a half hour later with a 6 point buck.

 

The chief asked, “How did you get that?” The captain then replied, I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck.

 

The chief not wanting to be out done said, “I’m out of here, I’m going to bag the biggest buck of the day.” He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody. The rookie and the captain asked, “What happened to you?”

 

The chief replied, “I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a TRAIN!

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Talking dog for sale

 

 

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

 

 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”

 

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

 

“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

 

“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

 

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??”

“Because the dog’s a damn liar. He never did any of that shit.”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Hi-tech Milking Machine

 

 

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

 

It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic ! !

 

He really had a good time because the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off.

 

He read the manual but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or softer, but still without success.

 

Panicking, he called the supplier‘s Customer Service Hot Line.

“Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It’s fantastic. But how can I take it off the cow’s udder?”

 

Customer Service replied, “Don’t worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about two gallons of milk. “

 

[clementi]

Joke: Home by night

 

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight . . promise!

 

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

 

Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

 

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

 

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said: “Shit, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The teacher in the city

 

A teacher in City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, “Who can tell me what this is?”

A little girl raised her hand.

 

“Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?”

“It’s a cow, teacher.”

“Very good, Janie,” said the teacher.

 

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

 

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “What does your mommy call your daddy when she’s trying to be ‘lovey-dovey’?”

 

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, “I know, Teacher. It’s a big horny bastard!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cold winter day

 

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

 

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

 

The old man couldn’t believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

 

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn’t take it any more since he hadn’t caught a thing all this time.

 

He went to the boy and said, “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?”

The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

 

“What was that?” the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

 

“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you are saying.”

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: If you love something

 

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

 

If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly lady

 

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

 

The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

 

“Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

 

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

 

“How did it go?” the doctor asked.

“Terribly, doctor, terribly.”

“Did it not work?”

 

“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”

“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”

 

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bud and Jim

 

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

 

Bud says, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!” Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

 

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings… It’s Jim.

 

Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?” Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?” Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?” Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.” “Yeah, well there’s just one thing…” “What’s that?” “Have you farted yet?” “No…..”

 

“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in PHOENIX!!!”

[worldangel]

Joke: This is from Grandma

 

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

 

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. "

 

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A red-faced judge

 

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch.

 

The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true. “I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed.

 

The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Huge Convention

 

A representative for a condom company is on her way to a convention.

 

While rushing through the airport, she drops the briefcase carrying her samples of condoms all over the floor.

 

As she is stuffing all the condoms back into her briefcase, she notices tourists giving her crazy looks. "It's ok, she says, "I am doing a huge convention."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Woman who plays cards

 

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

 

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom – only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

 

“Dammit woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pearly Gates

 

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

 

“That’s awful,” says the first man.

“How does it feel to freeze to death?”

 

“It’s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”

 

“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

 

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man.

 

“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Parrot

 

There’s a guy who owns a parrot that swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.

 

One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, “OK for you.” He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

 

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

 

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet . At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s worried enough to open the freezer door.

 

The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did that chicken ever do to you?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Family physician

 

A man approached his family physician and said, “Doc, I’m afraid you’ll have to remove my wife’s tonsils one of these days.”

 

The doctor pulled out the family’s medical file and exclaimed, “Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?”

 

“No,” the husband retorted, “but you’ve heard of a man having two wives, haven’t you?”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mirror Mirror at the wall

 

 A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four”.

 

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

 

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says “Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!”.

 

Again, there’s a bright flash… and then his legs fall off!

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Nursery school

 

Nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘Definitely’ in a sentence?”

First a little girl says “The sky is definitely blue” Teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange…”

 

Second little boy…”Trees are definitely green” “Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.”

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

 

“Does a fart have lumps?”

 

The teacher looks horrified and says…”Johnny! Of course not!!!”

“OK…then I DEFINITELY shit my pants…”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Young David

 

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to ‘ Heaven’.

 

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.”

 

“What?” his father replied.

 

“When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, ‘Goodness, I’m coming, ohhhhhhh, I’m coming.’ If it wasn’t for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: At doctor’s clinic

 

A woman walked into the doctor’s but didn’t like the way he was looking at her. When he told her to undress she asked him to turn out the lights before she disrobed. After he turned out the lights she said:

“Where will I put my clothes?”

 

“Hang them up over here,” he replied, “next to mine.”

[clementi]

Joke: Do-da dora

 

Drinking gets you in many unpredictable positions.

 

Has your wife or girlfriend ever caught you passed out, sitting on the couch, with your pants around your ankles while you have a kung fu grip on your penis, like you're giving her the thumbs up on marrying such a subtle and discreet man?

 

Well, that wasn't the embarrassing thing about it. The porn on demand had ended, and the previous channel that had popped up was blaring, "Do-Da Dora, Do-Da Dora!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: An elderly couple

 

 

There’s an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn’t part of the itinerary anymore.

 

One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, “Everytime one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine.’” A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, “Washing machine.”

 

The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache. A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispers seductively, “Washing machine.”

 

Yet again, the wife turns him away. However, a few moments pass and the wife’s needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says, “Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why me?

 

 

A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled Her over for speeding.

 

As he was giving Her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"

"No, ma`am," explained the officer, "it`s your foot."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three salesmen

 

 

Three salesmen are traveling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them, “I have a bed in the back room. It’s just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight.”

 

The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.

 

The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says, “Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman!”

 

The man who slept on the right side of the bed says, “Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman as well!”

 

The man who slept in the middle says, “I had a dream that I was skiing!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A drugstore

 

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, what are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.

 

Oh I see, replied the boy, pensively. Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school. He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, Why are there 3 in this package?

 

The dad replies, Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.

 

Cool! says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks Then who are these for?

Those are for college men, the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.

 

WOW!  exclaimed the boy; Then who uses THESE? he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Bar Scene

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at anytime, anywhere, your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "Really? What law firm do you work for?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two young lovers

 

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.

 

When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs."

 

He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Woman on fire

 

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

 

 

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

 

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

 

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

 

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

 

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

 

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

 

(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Baked beans

 

 

 A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn’t imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.

On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he’d have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he “put-putted” all the way home.

 

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!”

 

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

 

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

 

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

 

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, “Surprise!!!”

 

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tomatoes

 

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red."

 

The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red.

 

The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Those are customer complaints

 

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?"

 

He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two friends die

 

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees. He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere.

 

He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven." So the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine."

 

The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little farmboy

 

Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he’s late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour’s to get her bred by a bull.
 

Annoyed, teacher demands, “Can’t your father do that?” Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, “Well, sure… but the bull can do it better.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the plane crash site

 

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. “Thank Heavens!”, he cried out in relief….. “I am saved!”

 

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. “You can’t judge me for this,” he insisted. “I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?”

 

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. “I won’t judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mirror

 

He said. . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don’t you?

 

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

 

He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . . That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

 

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

 

He said . . . Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said . . . I would but you’re never there.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Chemistry Professor

 

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

 

“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

 

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

 

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

 

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”

[snowdownkel]

Isn't it funny..Lol

[worldangel]

Joke: Management lesson

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pinna coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Management lesson?

Always let your boss have the first say.

[worldangel]

Joke: Honest Lawyer

 

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car Accident

 

A man and a woman got into a car accident. Their cars got totally demolished but luckily both of them were all right.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "wow! 

Look at the cars they're totaled! But luckily we both dint even get a scratch! This is a sign that we should become friends and not try to pin the blame on each other.

Man," I totally agree with u." The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says," that bottle survived the crash just like us, I think it’s a sign from him. We should open it and celebrate our new found friendship with it.."
She then hands the bottle to the man. He nods his head and because of the nerve-wrecking accident he chugs about a third of the bottle.. He hands it back to the woman, who immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

Man,"aren't u having any?" The woman replies," no I think ill just wait for the police;)

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Buying a saw

 

This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

 

The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.”

 

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?” the man asks himself. “I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,” the man tells himself.

 

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

 

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. “The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,” the man says to himself.

 

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, “Hmm, it looks fine.”

 

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, “What’s that noise?

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Spaghetti

 

A wealthy man was having an affair with a western woman for a few years.

 

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Europe to have the child. If she stayed in Europe, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

 

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

 

The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Grandfather

 

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

 

When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble.

 

"Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

 

She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Christmas Eve

 

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping.

 

Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.

 

"What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"

 

Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?"

 

"Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man and a woman

 

 

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: “When I die, I will dig my way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

 

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs. There were also strange sounds at all hours. The man was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

 

One day, he died abruptly under strange circumstances, and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, his wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

 

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: “Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? This man practiced black magic and stated that when he died, he would dig his way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

 

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Army cadet

 

 

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the soldier and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”

 

 

The cadet replied, “Not me, Drill Sergeant…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Defense Lawyer’s Good News

 

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.

"What's the bad news?"

 

 

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

 

 

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old ladies

 

 

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

 

Lady 1: What’s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

 

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

 

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

 

Lady 1: Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

 

The pharmacist fainted.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Moving grass

 

 

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

 

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

 

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

 

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, Is something wrong?

To which she replied, There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!