Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Sweet wife

 

 

The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

 

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

 

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

 

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?’

 

‘My darling’ she replied,’ I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At doctor’s office

 

 

An old man goes to the doctor’s office as he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?” “There’s something wrong with my penis,” he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.” “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

 

The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

 

The man walked out, waited a few minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?’ “There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

 

“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?” “I can’t piss out of it…”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At pharmacy counter

 

 

Man standing was the pharmacy counter finishing up on his purchase, while the next lady in line keeps coming up to the counter thinking the gentlemen was finished.

 

Finally, he moves to the side to allow the impatient lady to come to the counter.

She rushes the pharmacist asking: “Are you a pharmacist?”

He said “Yes I am”

 

Will you please tell me something about Viagra? she asked.

The pharmacist said: “I would be glad to. Well it a prescription medication used for men who are having sexual problems. Your doctor has to write a prescription for this medication”

 

He also further states “It’s a great medication, I even take it at times”

The lady then interrupts to ask “Can get it over the counter?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Honest Judge

 

 

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart HONEST Judge faced the opposing lawyers."So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

"You, attorney A, gave me $500,000, and you, attorney B, gave me $600,000."

The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $100,000. He handed
it to attorney B and said...

"Now that I'm returning $100,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits...!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The most suitable suitor

 

Father in law: young man you are here to seek my daughter's hand in marriage and you are chewing gum? That is lack of respect.
Man: Sir, I only chew when am drunk or smoked.

Father in law: You mean you drink and smoke?
Man: Sir, I only drink and smoke when I go to club.

Father in law: You club too?
Man: I am sorry Sir, I started clubbing when i came out of prison.

Father in law: You have been in a prison before ?oh my God!
Man: I went to jail when I killed someone.

Father in law: What!!! You are a murderer?
Man: It happened out of anger. It was a certain old man who didn't allow me to marry his daughter, so I killed him.

Father in law: You are highly welcome my son. You are in the right track for my daughter.....

[worldangel]

Joke: I Not Come To Work

Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.

That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I’ll be at work soon. You got nice house."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Couples

 

An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing. Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, she goes back to her book.

 

Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"

She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."

 

 

They both go back to their books, and a few minutes later, the husband looks at his wife and whacks her across the head, he goes back to reading his book.

 

 

The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"

Not looking up from his book the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At tattoo parlour

 

 A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.

The artist says, “Sure.”

 

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say “Happy Thanksgiving.” On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, “Merry Christmas.”

 

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Desk clerk at hotel

 

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

“It opens at noon” answers the clerk.

 

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

“What time does the bar open?” he asks.

 

“Same time as before… Noon.” replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered “Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”

 

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”

 

“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Reason to never visit a 7-star hotel

 

 

Question: "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"

Answer: "tea please"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"

Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"


Answer: "white"

Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"

Answer: "With milk "

Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"

Answer: "With cow milk please.

Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"

Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "

Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"

Answer: "With sugar"

Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"

Answer: "Cane sugar "

Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"

Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "

Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"

Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst

[clementi]

Joke: Cowboys secret...

A tough old cowboy once counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

 

 

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

 

 

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Two dumb fishermen decided to ...

Two dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake. After fishing for hours at various spots and catching nothing, they decided to try one more time before calling it quits. Suddenly, fish started biting and they caught their limit inside of 20 minutes.

"Hey, we should mark this spot so next time we'll know where to fish," the first man told his buddy.

"Good idea," the second man replied, taking out a can of spray paint and making a large X on the floor of the boat.

"Why'd you do that?" his friend asked.

"Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Talking Baby

A baby was born with the ability to talk.

The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?"

"Why, yes!" his mother said. "I am!"

"Well," the baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born." Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?"

"Yes, I am!" says the doctor.

"Well, I just wanted to thank you," says the baby, "for taking such good care of me during the delivery."

"You're very welcome," says the doctor.

The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?"

Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Attractive woman

 

 

 A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

 

She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

 

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

 

“Can you get him for me — I need to speak to him.” She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

 

“I’m afraid that I can’t,” breathes the barman, clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

 

“Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sandwiches

 

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.

 

Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two elderly men Sam and Arthur ...

Two elderly men Sam and Arthur, avid bridge players get some bad news Arthur is dying.

 

Sam says to Arthur, please Arthur when you get to heaven somehow send me a message and let me know if there's any bridge up there.

 

Arthur says he'll try. Arthur passes away and a week goes by, not a word. Then suddenly Sam gets the call. "Sam" Arthur says, there's good news and bad news.

 

The good news is there's a duplicate on Tuesday, the bad news is you're playing.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I am the Boss!

 

*The boss* was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect.


The next day, he brought a small sign that

Read:  "*I'm the Boss*!"


He then taped it to his office door.


Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped
a note to the sign that said:

"*Your wife called, she wants her sign back*!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Big jar

 

 

A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. The man asks the bartender,”What’s the deal with the jar of money?”

 

“Well”, the bartender says,”I’ve got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!”

 

The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves.

About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they’ve got another jar of twenties there.

 

“What’s the deal now?” He asks.

“Well”,the bartender says,”That damn horse won’t stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!”

 

The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him.

 

“Alright”, he says,”You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!”

“Easy”, he says,”I made him laugh by saying mine was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it!!”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: So one day, Gramma sent her grandson ...

 

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and high-tailed it for
Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead Again

 

 

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ex-Girlfriend

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!", I said, "I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now! I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I’d meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistband that’s a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway, I’ve put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled. So I told her to fuck off.

[worldangel]

Joke: Nothing works

 

 

I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

"That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Old age stamina

 

 

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves.. by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied , "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this crap but me!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Umbrella

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver

 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."  

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad case of the stutters

 

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him “I believe I found the reason for your stuttering”. The man asked, “Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my pro.. pro.. problem.”

 

The doctor replied, “Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this result in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant.”

 

The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter.

 

At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, “Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis.

 

Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back.”

The doctor shook his head and replied, “That’s im.. im.. im.. impo.. impossible.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior exercise

 

 

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, “So where y’all from?”

 

The Yankee turns her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replies, “I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.”

 

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where y’all from, bitch?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Judge

 

 

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.”

 

From out in the audience a man shouts, “You lying bastard!”

“Silence in the court!” the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.”

 

“You goddamned tightwad!” blurted the spectator.

“Quiet!” yelled the judge. “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”

 

“You cheap son of a…” the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back, “If you don”t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!”

 

“I”ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 16 Women

 

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded.

 

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”

 

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tough love

 

 

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

 

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife’s wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells: “No, you can’t have those!

 

They’re for the funeral!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  The aisle seat

 

Two One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit. He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

 

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, “Hello ladies!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The lost cat

 

 

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

 

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

 

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

 

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

 

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Used car lot

 

 

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

 

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting n a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? “Heavens no, we bought it.”

 

“Then why don’t you drive it away.” “We can’t drive.” “Then why did you buy it?”

 

“We were told that if we bought a car here we’d get screwed …so we’re just waiting.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Math homework

 

 

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.

 

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, what are you doing?

The little boy answered, I’m doing my math homework, Mom.

And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?  The mother asked.

Yes, he answered.

 

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, What are you teaching my son in math?

The teacher replied, Right now, we are learning addition.

 

The mother asked, and are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?

 

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man moves into a new flat an ...

A man moves into a new flat and invites a few of his friends around for a housewarming drink.

 

He's got lots of lovely furniture but then one of his friends sees an old hammer hanging on the wall and says, "What's that dirty old hammer doing there?"

The man replies: "Oh, that's not a hammer, it's a talking clock. Look, I'll show you."

So he picks up the hammer and starts banging it against the wall, whereupon a voice comes from next door shouting: "Keep it down in there, it's almost half past ten!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband's Great Gift

 

 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[worldangel]

Joke: Conclusions?

 

 

A small boy came running downstairs, shouting, “Mom! Mom! I cleaned my room without being told!”

“Well,” said the mother, “that's wonderful! Thank you very much. It will same me a lot of trouble, and it shows you are growing up.”

“Yeah, but, Mom,” said the boy, “don’t jump to conclusions.”

I don’t understand, dear,” said his mother. “Conclusions?”

“Yeah, Mom” said the boy. “This isn’t going to become a habit.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer in hell

 

 

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

"I'll choose this room," he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

[worldangel]

Joke: Strange buzzling ... my future son-in-law

 

 

As the woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.

Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

 

Shocked, she asked, what in the world are you doing? The daughter replied, Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.

 

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

 

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, Dad, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.

 

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room.

 

She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.

 

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, “What are you doing!?”

 

The husband replied, I’m watching the ball game with my son-in-law.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

 

 

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Positive Outlook

 

 

How to start your day with a positive outlook

Open a new file in your PC.

Name it as "Boss".

Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"

Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

Feel better? Have A Nice Day.

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: “Ginger”

 

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

 

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

 

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.

 

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!” The woman thought, “this is great!” and a big smile came across her face.

 

A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “dammit Ginger!” Once again the woman smiled and thought, “yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.

 

This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Holes

 

 

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St.Peter at The Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

“Don’t worry About that,” says St. Peter, “It’s only someone having the holes put Into her shoulder blades for her wings.”

 

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

 

“Oh my goodness,” she says, “Now what is happening?” “Not to worry,” says St.Peter, “She’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo.”

 

“I can’t do this,” says the old lady, “I’m going to hell.”" “You can’t go there,” says St. Peter. “You’ll be raped and taken advantage of.”

 

“Maybe so,” says the old lady, “but I’ve already got the holes for that!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunks

 

 

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

“Oh, no… Now my wife will kill me!”

 

Bob says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

 

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. “You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My goodness, you’re disgusting!”

 

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, “Nowainaminit, I can e’splain everythin. Itsh snot wha Jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me…he had one too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an’ gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!”

 

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks..”

 

“Oh, yeah.. I almos’ fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Nudge

 

 

An attractive blonde and a handsome man step into the same elevator. The blonde sighs happily and says ‘TGIF’, and is surprised when the man replies ‘SHIT’.

 

The blonde thinks perhaps he didn’t hear her correctly, so she repeats it once again: ‘TGIF!’ and once again the man replies ‘S H I T’.

 

Finally, the blonde explains ‘Sir, TGIF – Thank God it’s Friday!’ Stepping out of the elevator, the man smirks and says ‘S H I T – Sorry honey, it’s Thursday.’

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Criminal mastermind

 

 

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Punishment

 

 

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Ailment

 

 

An elderly man constantly called his doctor at all hours of the day and night and would then keep him on the phone with a litany of imagined ailments. Finally the doctor could take it no longer.

"Listen, Mr. Becker. If you wake me up again in the middle of the night with another one of your tales about some made-up ailment, I am going to insist you go to another physician. Have I made myself clear?" And he hung up the phone.

A week later, the unfortunate man slipped and fell down a flight of stairs, breaking his hip, two ribs, en elbow, and suffering a concussion. He was rushed to the hospital and put in intensive care. An hour later, his doctor walked in on him, saw his condition, and beamed, "Now I think you're getting the hang of it!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hiking

 

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying.

 

"Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?" "My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl.

 

"So I might as well." After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?"

 

The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At strip joint

 

 

Two guys are in a strip joint and one is seating in front of the other, a woman comes on to the stage and starts to strip the guy in the back Robert says "Oh yeah oh yeah" then the other guy turns around and says, "Hey Robert shut up" then two women come on the stage and start stripping. Robert once again starts "OOOH yeah baby"

Once again the guy in the front turns around and tells him to be quite. Then three women come out and start stripping but Robert is silent, and the guy in front asks; "hey Robert where's all your excitement now?" and Robert says, " all over your back"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Making love

 

A man and his girlfriend are making love in his car for the first time.

Afterwards the man said, " If I knew you were a virgin, I would have been more tender.

 

The girl said coolly "Oh, if you were not so extremely anxious, I would’ve had time to take off my silk stockings.