Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Who died the worst death?

 

 

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

 

First man: “I’d been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn’t find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

 

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn’t fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn’t kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself.”

 

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

 

Second man: “I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn’t believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn’t last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me.”

 

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

 

Third man: “Picture this. You’re hiding, naked, in a refrigerator…”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Gone fishin’

 

 

A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”

 

“Yes, I was a salesman in the country,” said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you when we close up.

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock came around.

The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”

 

“One” said the young salesman.

“Only one” blurted the boss, “Most of my staff makes 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”

 

“One hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars” said the young man.

“How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.

 

“Well,” said the salesman, “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.”

 

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”

 

“No,” answered the salesman. “He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him,”Your weekend’s fucked, you may as well go fishing.”

[clementi]

Joke: 6 Classic Affairs

 

 

The 1st Affair.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” his wife demanded. “I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.” She looked down at his shoes and said: “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

 

The 2nd Affair.

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?” The wife smiled sweetly and replied: “Not this time!”

 

The 3rd Affair.

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! “I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.” So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home “I have something to show you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. “My goodness!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead!”

 

The 4th Affair.

 woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you,” she said, ” pretend you’re a statue.” “What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh it’s a statue,” she replied, “the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.” No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. “Here,” he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

 

The 5th Affair.

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. “Certainly, Sir , that’ll be one cent.” “One Cent?” the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?” “A nickel,” the barman replied. “A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?” The bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.” The man asked: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The bartender replied: “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

 

The 6th Affair.

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: “I have something I must confess.” “There’s no need to, ” his wife replied. “No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!” “I know,” she replied, ” now just rest and let the poison work

[clementi]

Joke: At striptease joint

 

 

Three guys went to a striptease joint.

 

The young lady on stage, wearing only thongs and a smile came up to the First guy and perform her dance for him. He took out $100.00, and slapped it on her right cheek, it, stuck.

 

Then she proceeded to the Second guy did her same dance and the Second guy took out $100.00 and slapped it on her left cheek, it stuck.

 

She then went to the Third guy and performs her dance.

 

The Third guy pulled out his wallet, only to realize that he did not have any cash so he took his visa card and swipe.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The brand new Corvette

 

 

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. “This is great,” he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.

 

Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. “I can get away from him with no problem” thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

 

Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.” He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man.

 

“Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back”

 

“Have a good day, Sir,” said the Trooper

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The blind man & the blonds

 

 

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:

 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

 

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

 

3. I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

 

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

 

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

 

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Ten Times The Normal Size

 

 

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

 

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

 

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

 

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

 

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

 

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

 

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

 

One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very,very disappointed.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Signs That You're Broke

 

 

At communion you go back for seconds.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.

McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two couples

 

 

Two couples are on a double date when they start talking about partner swapping. They decide it would be cool to try it out. The two couples then go to a local motel. They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly shuffled couples go to their respective rooms.

One couple, in their room, go wild with each other. They make love for hours. When finished, one of the two rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow, lights up a cigarette, looks at her partner, and says:

"I wonder how the guys are doing?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three boys

 

 

Three boys were sitting on the sidewalk eating ice cream. They were admiring three Escalades parked on the street.

 

The first boy says when I grow up I am going to be a doctor so I can buy a black Escalade.

 

The second boy says when I grow up I am going to be a lawyer so I can buy a gold Escalade. The third boy says when I grow up I want to be covered from head to toe with hair. The other two look at him and ask why.

 

The third boy says, because my sister has a small patch of hair and owns all three of those Escalades.

[worldangel]

Joke: Moisture on fingersTop of Form

 

 

A couple was laying in bed one night reading and ever so often the man would reach over and rub the woman across the snatch.

 

This went on several times. The woman was starting to get a little horny. The woman finally jumped up, took her clothes off, and told her husband to make love to her.

 

The husband laughed and said he was only getting some moisture on his fingers to turn the pages.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Underwear

 

 

Mrs. Johnson wants to spice things up in the bedroom so she decides to buy some crotch less panties and surprise Mr. Johnson when he gets home from work by waiting on the bed showing her new panties.

 

Mr. Johnson walks in and Mrs. Johnson asks, " Do you want to have some fun?" and Mr. Johnson replied, "Hell No!! Not after what it did to your underwear."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The farmer

 

 

A farmer and his wife were outside in their field and saw a spaceship land. Out of this spaceship came two strange creatures and one said: "Hello earthlings, we are here to find out your human sex life. Will you swap for a day? "

 

The farmer and his wife agreed. The next morning, the farmer asked his wife,” What happened?" His wife replied,” It was the best sex I ever had; when he turned his left ear, his dick grew to 16 inches long; and when he turned his right ear, It grew as fat as a sausage.”

 

Then the farmer screamed,” Well no wonder that bitch tried to rip my ears off!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fishing

 

 

Two women are fishing. Lisa always catches the most fish. Wanda asked her, "How do you do it?

 

Every time we go fishing you always catch the most fish." Lisa replied, "When I wake up in the morning if my husband’s thing is hanging off to the left, I fish off the left side of the boat.

 

If his thing is hanging off to the right I fish off the right side of the boat." Wanda says, "What if his thing is standing straight up?”

 

Lisa says, "Then you don't go fishing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: How you make love?

 

 

A 70-year-old man has never been married.

 

One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.

 

They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man.

"The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"

 

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

 

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At strip joint

 

 

Two guys are in a strip joint and one is seating in front of the other, a woman comes on to the stage and starts to strip the guy in the back Robert says "Oh yeah oh yeah" then the other guy turns around and says, "Hey Robert shut up" then two women come on the stage and start stripping. Robert once again starts "OOOH yeah baby"

Once again the guy in the front turns around and tells him to be quite. Then three women come out and start stripping but Robert is silent, and the guy in front asks; "hey Robert where's all your excitement now?" and Robert says, " all over your back"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Twice a day

 

 

A young female job applicant was filling in a employment form in one of New York's public relation agencies.

 

She had no trouble with it until she came across the heading 'SEX'. She hesitated then finally wrote 'Twice a day'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fu-Fu

 

An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat, Fu-Fu.
A fairy appears and says, ”I’m here to grant you three wishes.”

The old woman says, “I wish I was twenty-years old and beautiful again.” Poof! She is.
“Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion.” Poof! Done.

“And now I wish that Fu-Fu was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me.”
Poof! Suddenly she’s in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says, “Darling, aren’t you sorry you had me fixed?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Birth control pills

 

 

"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills said Edna to Priscilla.

"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.

"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old couple

 

 

An old married couple went to the doctor. The man saw the doc first and after the exam, the doc asked him if he had any concerns. The old man replied, "yes. Sometimes when I have sex with my wife, I get really hot and sweaty, and other times I am cold and shivering." well the doctor was puzzled and said, "well sir, I don’t know what to tell you.

 

 

You are perfectly healthy" so the old man left and it was the wife’s turn, again the doctor reassured her she was fine and asked if she had any concerns. She said "no." In spite of the answer the doctor asked, “is your sex life doing alright?" she said, "yes everything is wonderful."

 

 

The doc, even more puzzled, said, "well I was asking because when your husband was in here he said sometimes when the two of you have sex he gets really hot and other times he gets really cold." the old lady started laughing and said, “that old coot!!!!! We have sex twice a year.

 

 

The first time is in July and the second time is in December!!!!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: X-rated movie

 

 

A guy and his girlfriend went to see an X-rated movie; about half way through the movie she nudged him and said the guy next to her was jacking-off real fast and hard, her boyfriend told her to just ignore him.

 

She said, “I can’t…. He is using my hand.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Athletes Foot

 

 

Man meets woman in a bar, takes her home strips her off and is very impressed!

 

 

Removes his own clothes causing the woman to redress herself. "Whats wrong?

 

 

“He says. “You told me you had at least a foot!” she cries “ no, no” he laughs, “I said had athletes foot!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy cock

 

 

One day, a cat and a rooster went for a walk.

 

The cat slipped and fell into a pond full of water. When it came out, it was all wet. The rooster laughed his heart out.

 

Moral of the story: Where there is a wet pussy, there is a happy cock

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Alien

 

 

An alien is in a bar sitting next to this guy. Every time he takes a drink, he spins on his stool, pokes the guy next to him and goes bzzz.

 

 

He does these two or three times. Finally the guy gets annoyed and tells the alien that if he doesn't quit it, he will beat him up. The alien takes a drink, spins his stool, pokes the guy and goes bzzz.

 

This infuriates the man, and he takes him outside and pulls down his pants and stands back aghast. "There's nothing there! How so you people have sex?"

 

The alien smiles, and goes bzzz.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The butcher

 

 

An old woman walked into her local butchers. While she waits she asked the butcher 'where is Billy your apprentice?' 'I fired him,' replied the butcher.

'Why did you do that?' 'I found him with his penis in the meat mincer'

Shocked the old lady replied 'And what did you do with the meat mincer?'

'I fired her too' said the butcher.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My finger

 

 

One day while a man was working he cut off the end of his finger while panicking he calls his wife and says, "Honey, I need to go to the hospital.

 

I cut off my finger." The wife replies "Your whole finger?"

 

 

The man replies “No, the one next to it."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Buying Condom

 

 

This young lad got himself a girlfriend. He has been dating her for a few weeks and she’s just agreed for them to have sex on the condition that he uses a condom.

He goes to the chemist to buy some condoms but there are a lot of women around so he comes over all shy and decides to buy a dummy.

The next day he goes back to the chemist same thing happens again but this time he buys a pair of tweezers.

On the third day he’s getting really hot and horny, goes back into the chemist, the chemist is empty with a beautiful assistant behind the counter. He shyly goes up to the counter and asks for packet o condoms.

 

The assistant turns rounds and asks him “R u gona SUCKA PLUKA or FUCKA.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The date

 

 

A man asks his friend, "How did your date with the deaf nymphomaniac go last night"?

 

"Pretty good", the man replies! "But I need to brush up on my sign language."

 

Why, asks the man! "They kicked us out of the Restaurant when I asked her if she likes the taste of Gum!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Virus

 

 

As was their habit, Mary and Mike made love every night exactly at 9:20. Even when Mary came down with the flu, they didn’t break their tradition; the doctor gave her an antibiotic that killed all but three of the germs.

Hiding from the medicine one germ said, “Listen, I am going to hide in her eyelashes.
The antibiotics won’t think to look for me there.” “Me?” said the second. “I’m heading for her ear. I’ll bury myself in wax and they’ll never find me.”

The third virus shook its head. “You go where you want, fellows, but when that ol’9: 20 pulls out, yours truly will be on it!”

[clementi]

Joke: Superman & Spiderman

 

 

Superman decides to go out on the town one evening - flies over to the bat cave and asks Batman out for a beer. Batman replies: "Sorry, I can't come out tonight - the bat mobile is broken down, I have to fix it to fight crime tomorrow".

 

Superman takes off and flies over to Spiderman to see if he wants to go out for a beer. Spiderman says: "No thanks, the web is not shooting properly, I have to fix it to fight crime tomorrow."

 

Superman then decides to fly over to Wonder-woman’s. He arrives to find Wonder-woman on her roof completely naked on her back. Superman thinks to himself that he could fly down there quicker than the speed of light, do his business and fly away before she realizes what has happened.

 

So he flies down, does his business and takes off. Wonder woman says: "what the hell was that?" and then the Invisible man says: "I don't know, but my butt is surely burning!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: English class 

 

 

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another.

No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny puts up his hand.
The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally, when no one else raises their hand, she says, "Yes, Johnny?"

"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mommy say, 'That's lovely'. Then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

[clementi]

Joke: A horse & chicken

 

 

A horse and chicken were friends. One day they were strolling in the farm near a pond. Suddenly the horse slipped and fell in the pond. The chicken, worried about his friend, started shouting.

 

The farmer heard the chicken shouting. He brought his BMW and a rope. He tied one end of the rope to his BMW and the other end to the horse's neck and pulled it out. The horse and chicken were both thankful to the farmer.

 

A few days later, while the two friends (horse and chicken) were again strolling near that pond, the chicken slipped and fell into the pond. It started shouting but the farmer was not nearby that day.

 

Suddenly, the horse came near the edge of the pond, lowered its dick into the pond. The chicken held it and the horse pulled the chicken out.

 

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "If you have a big dick, you do not need a BMW to pick up chicks"

[clementi]

Joke: Ol’ Joe

 

 

A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex and women of course and in comes Joe Schmo. One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don’t understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary looking guy who doesn’t have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers."

 

 

 

"What the hell does he got that I haven't got?” And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?"

 

 

 

And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well yeah. Of course I do." "But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?" The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!"

[clementi]

Joke: On safari

 

 

Two mates have been on safari in deepest, darkest Africa for six months shooting and trapping all manner of game when they come across a large female orangutan, one says to the other “gees I'm horny, how about we trap her and have a bit of fun?" "I don’t know" replies the other" she’s a big monkey ", leave it up to me, comes the reply.

 

After much ado they finally net her, stake her out on the ground, and to calm her down place a bag over her head. “Right, says the first hunter" get your knife ready and if I get into trouble you will have to take her out, ok?" "Sure will” come the reply.

 

The first guy jumps on and after a minute or so she goes berserk, pulls the stakes out of ground and grabs him in a huge hug, “quick the knife, the knife!! "

 

He roars" where do I stab her”, yells the other guy!! "Stab her, no don’t stab her, cut the bag off her head I want to kiss her!!" he roared

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: New apartment

 

 

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him, as they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, let’s go to my apartment....I hear somebody coming.

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'my ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts. They are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my buns are firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...That was me.'

[clementi]

Joke: Charitable Donation

 

 

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted,

"--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

[clementi]

Joke: Hospital

 

 

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

 

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

 

From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

 

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Will you marry me...

 

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

 

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

 

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

 

 

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

 

 

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

 

 

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My daughter is your reward

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Problem from the start

 

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wanna see my underwear?

 

 

The blind date hadn't been all that great and Susan was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She took one look and said, "Nice design. Does it also come in men's sizes?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Is Calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.'' There was a stony silence for a second or two.

''Do you know who you are speaking to?''

''No,'' said Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''

''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''

''No,'' roared the colonel.

 

''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.

[worldangel]

Joke: Six guys were playing poker wh ...

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

 

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

 

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants.

 

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor and his patient

 

 

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

 

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

 

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

 

Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?

 

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Beautiful

 

 

A man was just coming out of anaesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

 

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

 

Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute." Startled, she asked him, "What happened to 'beautiful?'"

 

He replied, "The drugs are wearing off." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Bride

 

 

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother.

 

"Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

 

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honour, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..." "I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.

 

"I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Deathbed

 

 

Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face.

 

His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. My darling Jake," she whispered.

 

Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh.Don't talk." She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you."

 

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." "I know," he replied.

 

"That's why I poisoned you." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer’s donation

 

 

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

 

 

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No." "Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

 

 

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

 

 

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you? 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bathroom call

 

 

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

 

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

 

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket! 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Going to heaven

 

 

A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.

 

 

There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks.

 

 

"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo." A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously. "Oh, don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."

 

 

The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.

 

 

"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!" "It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."