Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Brain

 

 

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.

 

"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they are used."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The woman of his dreams

 

 

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: May I borrow your dog for a few days?

 

 

It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."

 

[clementi]

Joke: The burglars

 

 

George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from their bedroom window.

 

George Phillips proceeded to the back door to go outside to turn the light off but immediately saw that there were people in the shed and they were stealing things. He immediately telephoned the police and told them that there were burglars in his shed.

 

The officer asked, “Is there a burglar in your house?” George replied, “No.” The officer then said that all the patrols were busy and that he George) should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

 

George said ok and hung up the phone. He counted to 30 and phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were burglars in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.” And he hung up. Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence.

 

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!” George replied, “I thought you said there was no one available!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Farmer Joe

 

 

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

 

“Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” Asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…”

 

“I didn’t ask for any details,” The lawyer interrupted, “Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

 

Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

 

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say.”

 

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move.

 

However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

 

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.” He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The pet parrot

 

 

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores. Hi, George!"

[clementi]

Joke: The golden toilet seat

 

 

There was this guy who had been to about every bar in town. So one night, he hopped into a taxi cab and told the driver to take him to the best bar in town. The cabby took him to a bar, where he got half-drunk. He hopped into the same cab and said that the bar wasn't good enough -- take him to another one. The cabby took him to another bar, where the guy had the time of his life.

The next morning, this guy was in yet another bar telling his buddy what a good time he had the night before, but he couldn't remember where he was. All he could remember was a red door and a golden toilet seat.

"Man, we gotta find this place," said his buddy.
So the two spent half the day searching for a bar with a red door until they found one. They walked in, and the guy asked the bartender, "Was I here last night and too drunk to tell? All I remember is a red door and a golden toilet seat."

The bartender hollered to the back, "HEY, FRED. HERE'S THAT SON OF A BITCH WHO TOOK A SHIT IN YOUR TUBA LAST NIGHT."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The dart team

 

 

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young, attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks. She said she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.

 

Doris showed her the house, and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard, and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about you're husband?" asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that's settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

 

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping her clothes, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.

 

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity, and he did not believe her.
"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open, and you can peek in and see for yourself."

 

The next night, Fred left as usual, and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked toward the curtains and pointed toward the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass. Later, Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."
"Yes," said Fred, "I have -- but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

[clementi]

Joke: Sweet talking Patrick

 

 

Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness at the local pub and in walks O'Rourke.
O'Rourke says, "did ye hear about O'Hara dyin last night?"

 

Paddy and Murphy, in shock, exclaim, "No! Poor O'Hara. Has anyone told his wife?" O'Rourke says, "No she hasn't been told yet, but I'll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her. He is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can talk the fish out of the brook and the birds out of the trees."

 

They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he walks in and says, "Good Mornin to ye all lads, a pint on me for everyone."
O'Rourke tells Patrick the sad news about O'Hara dying and asks him to break the news very gently to his wife, as she doesn't yet know.

Patrick, the sweet talker says, "I will be glad to have a chat with O'Hara's wife and I'll break it so gently to her that a whimper is all she'll utter. I'm a man of words and I can charm the fish from the brook and the birds from the trees. Don't worry lads, I'll take care of this. They don't call me sweet talker for nuttin."

 

Well, off they all go to O'Hara's house. Patrick knocks on the door and O'Hara's wife answers and says, "Yes may I help you?" Sweet talking Patrick steps forward and at attention says, "Are you the widow O'Hara?" To which the woman responds, "My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow."

Sweet talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims, "Shit you ain't, woman!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Nude beach

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina.

The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps.

He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the doctor said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman.

The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Little Pete came home from the ...

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

Well, Dad, said Pete, I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

Uh-huh, said the father, “that seems fair.”

I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Better Relationship

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Will I live to 80

 

 

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I will live to be 80?”

 

 

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I don’t do drugs, either.”

“Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?”

“I said, “No, I usually stay home and keep to myself”.

“Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

 

 

I said, “No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

 

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit?

 

[clementi]

Joke: Take back your words

 

 

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole?

 

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.”

 

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

 

 

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.”

 

 

Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

 

 

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

 

 

While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced “Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we’re taking off!”. No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and so were half of the passengers

 

[clementi]

Joke: Polite way to go to pee

 

 

A little word from Johnny to start the day..

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

 

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”

 

The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?” Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

 

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?”

 

I would say: “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”

 

The teacher fainted.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Boom

 

 

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, “What a great chest you have!” He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.” He takes off his pants and the blonde says, “What massive Calves you have!”

 

The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.”

 

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the Apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

 

The blonde replies, “I didn’t want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was !!!!!!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Math Grade

 

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, “I got an F in math today.”

His father replies, “What happened?”

 

The boy says, “Well, my teacher asked me, ‘What’s 3 times 2′, and I said ’6.’”

The father replies, “Well, that’s correct.”

 

The boy says, “I know. Then she asked me, ‘What’s 2 times 3.’”

The father then replies, “Well, what the fuck is the difference?”

 

The boys says, “Well that’s what I said!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The vacuum cleaner salesman

 

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

 

” Good morning, ” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

 

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!  And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.

 

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until! You have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

 

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Big Brass Gong

 

Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

‘What’s with that big brass gong?’ one of the guests asked.

 

‘It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,’ the Newfie replied.

‘A talking clock? Seriously?’ asked his astonished friend.

‘Yup’ replied the Newfie.

 

‘How’s it work?’ the friend asked, squinting at it.

‘Watch’ the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

 

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, ‘You asshole! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!’

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do not listen to him

 

 

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son’s choice and couldn’t wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, “Dad, why don’t you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot”

 

The father explained, “No son, there’s nothing wrong with the girl. It’s just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you’ve been dating is my daughter by that woman”

 

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother’s delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

 

Furious, the mother shouted, “Don’t listen to him, sweetheart! He isn’t even your father!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: She said, he said

 

 

He said: “It’s just too hot to wear clothes today. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?”

 

She said: “Probably that I married you for your money.”

He said: “Ever since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve want to make love to you really badly.”

She said: “Well, you’ve succeeded.”

 

He said: “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?”

She said: “Turn sideways and look in the mirror.”

 

He said: “Let’s try swapping positions tonight?”

She said: “Fine. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Best resume

 

 

A manager was soliciting resumes through a recruitment agency to fill in a senior staff member who had just resigned.

 

The next day the recruitment agent came in to meet the manager and beaming he handed over a resume and said, "M'am, we have got just the right person you are looking for.

The manager after skimming through the resume was visibly upset. Puzzled, the recruitment agent enquired what the matter was.

 

The manager replied, "This candidate on the resume is the best we've got in our department"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Wedding & revenge

 

 

This is a true story about a wedding and a little thing called revenge.

 

It was a huge wedding with about three hundred guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on the stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom’s families for coming and for providing such a fabulous reception.

 

He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair was an envelope; He said that this was his gift to everyone, and that everyone should open them at the same time. Inside each envelope was an eight by ten picture of his best man having sex with the bride.

 

He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective. After he stood there and watched the people’s reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man and bride and said, “Fuck You!” then turned to the crowd and left. He had the marriage annulled 1st thing Monday morning.

 

Most people’s would break off the engagement right away after finding about the affair, this guy went through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong. His revenge was making the bride’s parents pay over forty thousand dollars for three hundred people at a wedding reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. Best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families!

[clementi]

Joke: Rifle shop

 

 

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, “This scope is so good,you can see my house all the way up on that hill”.

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

 

“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk. “I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house”, the man replies.

 

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets, I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick off.”

 

The man takes another look through the scope and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”

[clementi]

Joke: Tuner Brown

 

 

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

 

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, “What’s wrong with you?”

 

In a very weak voice the little guy says, “Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?”

 

The big dude says, “I saw the curious look on your face and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

 

I’m 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown.”

 

The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said turn around!

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Which hole?

 

 

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

 

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded,

therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”

 

The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

 

The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

 

The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?”

 

The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”

“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my asshole.” And the idiot went to Heaven

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:  How could I ever repay you?

 

 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned.

 

The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

 

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

 

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

 

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

 

“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dinner with girlfriend’s parents

 

 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

 

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

 

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

 

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Saying the right things

 

 

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

 

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

 

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

 

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

 

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

 

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Health club

 

 

An elderly gentleman walks into a health club to inquire about the exercise programs, club facilities, and perks of the establishment. He walks up to the counter where he is greeted by a Herculean body builder. “I’d like some information about the club.”

 

“Well”, says the body builder, “this is a great club. We have a number of exercise and recreational areas for you to experience, and the fees are $5,000 per year.”

“$5,000!!!!” the old man nearly passes out..

 

“We have a free trial period that you can take advantage of,” says the body builder, “but before you enter you’ll have to remove your clothes, because this is a nudist club.”

 

The old man thinks about it for a moment, but figures, “why not.”

The old man walks out to the pool area where he finds a lounge chair. He sits back and looks at all the beautiful women, naked women, all about him. The site begins to stimulate him and he develops the largest erection he has had since he was a teenager.

 

Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde runs over to him and jumps on his lap. She proceeds to do every imaginable sexual act with him.

An hour later the old man, sweating, breathing hard, staggers into the lobby and slaps down the $5000.

 

“You know,” says the body builder, “you have a week to make up your mind about joining. Why are you paying now?”

 

The old man tells the story, “This place is great. I haven’t had an experience like this in years.”

Feeling good about himself, the old man walks back out to the pool area and orders a cigar. Walking back to his lounge chair, he drops the cigar.

While bending over to pick it up, he is suddenly tackled from behind by a gay man. “Auuugh, Stop!!, Stop!!”, screams the old man, but to no avail. Ten minutes later it’s over.

 

The old man staggers back to the lobby where he demands his $5,000 back from the body builder.

“But why? A few minutes ago you were all excited about the club. What has changed your mind?”

 

After hearing the explanation from the old man, the body builder begs the old man to reconsider. “Think about the women you can meet. “Don’t let this one incident affect your decision.”

 

“Son”, says the old man, “I get an erection maybe once a month, but I drop my cigar at least three times a day!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rude parrot

 

 

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.

 

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music; he tried everything he knew. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder.

 

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming horrible expletives. Then, suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and opened the freezer door.

 

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.”

 

David was astounded at the bird’s change of attitude and was about to ask what had changed him . . . when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Income taxes

 

 

A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

 

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead – with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, Steve replies, “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

 

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these God-awful women.

 

Don replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to have. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, “Damn income taxes!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Magical saliva

 

One day a boy named Agaf was incredibly horny. He loved the queen. Just one suck of those huge firm tits would make him happy for life. He went to the village elder (wise man) to find out how to cure his quarms.

 

“I need to suck the queen’s breasts,” Agaf said. “How much are you paying?” the elder asked. “Nothing is free!” “A million pounds,” Agaf lied. He was going to get the suck and then not pay becase once he had the suck nothing else mattered. “OK.”

 

So the elder sneaked into the castle and poured some itching powder into the queen’s bra. The itch would last two whole days. When the queen put on her bra a horrible itch ran around her breasts. She was screaming all through the night. The pain was absurd.

 

In the morning the king had had enough of the screaming so the king asked the elder for help, as you do! Everything was going to plan so far!

 

“Elder,” the king said. “My wife is in immense pain because she has got a pain in her breasts.” “I know what to do!” the elder said. “Go to the hut of Agaf. He is the only one wth the magical saliva to cure the itch. You will have to let him suck your wifs breasts for ten minutes and tommorow it will have gone.” The king wasn’t happy about this but he agreed.

 

So Agaf was called up and he sucked them for ten minutes flat, and the itch stopped that night because it only lasted for two days anyway.

 

So then the elder called in Agaf and said, “You got your wish. Now pay me!” “No chance wanker!” Agaf said and walked out.

 

So the elder thought long and hard for a punishment, something that would be bad for Agaf. He thought and thought, until he got it… He would put itching powder in the king’s underpants!

 

[clementi]

Joke: The widow

 

Three men were working up on a cell phone tower: Pat, Pete and Mike.

As they start their descent Pat slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, “Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.”

Mike says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

 

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Pete says, “Where did you get that beer, Mike?”

“Pat’s wife gave it to me,” Mike replies.

 

“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?” “Well, not exactly”, Mike says. “When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Pat’s widow’.”

 

She said, “You must be mistaken, I’m not a widow.”

Then I said “I’ll bet you a case of Beer you are.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Killed the pig

 

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

 

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

 

“Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses,” explained the driver.

 

“What did you tell the farmer?” Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, “I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh’s driver and I’d just killed the pig.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Doctor, what it is?

 

 

One day, a young woman came into the doctor’s office, complaining of some pain. The doctor asked her, “Where is this pain?”

 

The woman replied, “Oh doctor, I hurt all over!”

The doctor looked at her and said, “Well, ‘all over’ is pretty vague, could you be more specific?”

 

“It’s just all over,” the woman started. She touched her knee with her index finger, “Ouch! That hurts!” Then she touched her cheek with the same finger, “Ouch! That hurts too!” she cried. And then she touched her ear lobe, “Ouch! You see? Even THAT hurts!” She looked at the doctor, waiting for his diagnosis.

 

“Are you a natural blond?” inquired the doctor.

“Why, yes,” replied the blond, “why do you ask?”

 

“Ah ha!” returned the doctor, his look of confusion replaced with confidence, “That explains it! You have a broken finger.”

[clementi]

Joke: The Gambler

 

 

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”

The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”

 

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.

“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.

 

The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”

“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.

“Like what?” asked the bartender.

 

“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.

The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

 

“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.

 

The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.

“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.

 

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”

 

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.

 

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

 

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”

[clementi]

Joke: What would you say?

 

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the…”

 

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

 

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie”.

 

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move.

 

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her.

 

After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?” “Now tell me, what the f*#k would you say?”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Southern girl

 

 

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a very attractive blonde woman from Northeast Tennessee arrived. She bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.” With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, “Come on, baby….Southern Girl needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down….and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”

 

She hugged each of the dealers…and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know… I thought you were watching.”

 

Moral – Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men… are men.

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:  Be nice to businessman

 

A man goes to Las Vegas and bets everything he owns. He loses it all. All he has left is the clothes on his back, and his ticket home. When leaving, he gets in a cab and says how much to the airport. The cab driver says 50$. The man offers to give the driver all of his insurance details, and that he would pay the driver back another time. The cab drivers says piss off you cheap skate bastard. The man walks to the airport, misses hi flight and catches another one.

 

3 years later the business man returns quite rich and healthy. He bets all his money again and win over triple what he bet. When he leaves his hotel, there are 15 cabs all lined up. At the end he notices that the driver of the last cab, was the driver who had said no 3 years ago

 

So the man goes to the front cab and says to the driver, how much to the airport, the driver says 50$. The man says how much for a blow job, the driver tells him to bugger off. The man does this in the next 13 cabs and he gets rejected every time. When he gets to the last cab, the one which had the driver which had denied him a ride 3 years ago.

 

He gets in the cab and says, how much to the airport. The driver says 50$. The man says take me there. When they drive past all the other cabs the buisness man sticks up his thumbs, and grins at them.

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Female Comebacks

 

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

 

Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign? Woman: Do not enter.

 

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?

 

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

[clementi]

Joke: Courtroom gaffes

 

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

 

“Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

“The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”

“Were you present when your picture was taken?”

 

“Were you alone or by yourself?”

“Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”

“Did he kill you?”

“How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

 

“You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

“How many times have you committed suicide?”

 

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?

 

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

 

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

 

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

 

Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: I have been since early childhood.

 

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Drowning

 

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”

 

“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery…”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”

 

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned.”

 

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, no Brenda… no.”

 

“No?”

“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Pecans in the cemetery

 

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

 

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

 

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

 

! “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”

 

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

 

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 

At last! they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Airplane problems

 

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

 

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That’s what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you’re right

.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

 

[clementi]

Joke: Did Santa bring that to you?

 

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

 

The cop said to the kid, “Nice bike you’ve got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

The kid said, “Yeah.”

 

The cop said, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike.” The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

 

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

 

Humoring the kid, the cop said, “Yeah, he sure did.”

The kid said, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The magician and the parrot

 

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot.

 

The parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, “He has a card up his sleeve” or “He has a dove in his pocket”

 

One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat.

 

For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Starbucks in Hell

 

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could choose from in which to spend eternity.

 

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn’t even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

 

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn’t want that room, and they moved on.

 

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

 

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!”

[worldangel]

Joke: The art of selling

 

A kid gets a job in a small department store. On his first day, the manager shows him around, and explains that the company policy was to sell a product, with a product. The kid looked confused… so the manager said he would show him what he meant.

 

Now, it just so happened that a customer approached the manager and asked if they sold grass seed.

“Certainly”, pointing to the wide range of seed boxes, “and what sort of lawn mower would you like?”

 

The customer looked baffled, so the manager went on “Well, you will sow the grass, the grass will grow,and you will need a lawn mower to cut it”,“I hadn’t thought of that”, says the customer, “I’ll take the lawn mower as well then”…and the customer leaves the store happy.

 

The manager then looks at the kid and says “Now do you understand our policy?” to which the boy replies “Yes…it’s good”.

Just then, a bloke walks into the store. The manager says to the kid “Go on, you can deal with this guy”.

 

So the kid asks the bloke if he can help. “Yes” replies the guy hesitantly, “Do you sell tampons, as I need some for my wife.”

 

“Certainly”, pointing to a shelf with tampons etc on it, “and what sort of lawn mower would you like?”

 

The customer looked baffled and the manager’s face dropped, so the kid went on “Well, the weekend’s fucked…You may as well cut the grass”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The slow speaker

 

John and Steve were high school buddies. They have not seen each other since they both went to college. Five years went by and they ran into each other at a bar.

 

John spotted Steve first, “Hey Steve!” “Hey John! Long time no see!” John was surprised that Steve spoke smoothly without stutters–Steve has been stuttering since he was a child. “How did you fix your speaking?” “I went to the doctor and he said that if I speak really slow, I won’t stutter! Did you hear? I almost got married!” “How did you ALMOST get married?”

 

“Well, I was sitting on the front porch with my fiance and the dog was sitting there too and he was scratching his back! Although I have to speak slow, I said to my wife: When we’re married YOU can do that for me and then I pointed to the dog. But, because I talk so slow, by then he was licking his balls!”