Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke:  A mean drunk

 

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window”. The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

 

The second guy says, “What, are you nuts? There’s no way that could happen. “No, it’s true,” the first man says. “Let me prove it to you.” He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

 

He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.” “No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

 

“Well, why not.” the second guy says, “It works. I’ll try it.” He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.

 

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, “You know Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk”.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Half sister

 

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

 

After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you.” “Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

 

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Dianne said yes! We’re getting married in June.”

 

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Dianne is your half-sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

 

“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half- sister.”

“Heheh,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What would you do …

 

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

 

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer: Get off the children’s “Merry-Go-Round”, you’re drunk.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Skiing trip

 

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter’s station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

 

“I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

 

“Not to worry,” Peter said, “we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.”

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow’s attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?”

“Yes, I do.”

 

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?”

“Yes, I have to admit that I did.”

 

“Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, I’m afraid I did.”

“Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mail the photo

 

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

 

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

 

Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

 

She took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.”

 

Needless to say, this guy was heartbroken. But, even more so, he was pissed.

So he wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and mailed the picture to her parents.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Country style

 

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter “country style.”

 

“What’s country style?” asks the city boy.

“Out here in the country,” the farmer says, “when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that fellow, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’s wins the dispute.”

 

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, “All right, n-now “it’s m-my turn.”

 

The farmer grins. “Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck.”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One really good deed needed

 

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, “I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you’re in.”

 

So the guy says, “Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang’s leader–a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

 

Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, ‘You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!’”

 

Impressed, St. Peter says, “Really? I can’t seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?” “Oh, about two minutes ago.”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Magic watch

 

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, that’s a really fancy watch.”

 

“Thanks,” says the guy, “It’s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it’ll answer me, telepathically.”

“Rubbish, you’re having me on,” says the girl.

 

“No, it’s true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, I’ll prove it. I’ll ask it if you’ve got any panties on.” The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you haven’t got any panties on.”

 

“Well, it’s wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.”

“Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “it’s an hour fast!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Salesman & Child

 

A salesman is trying to call a client. The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says, “Hello.”

 

SALESMAN: “Is your mommy there?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “Yes.”

SALESMAN: “Can I speak with her?”
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “She’s busy.”

SALESMAN: “Is your daddy there?”
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “Yes.”

SALESMAN: “Can I speak with him?”
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “He’s busy.”

SALESMAN: “Is there anyone else there?”
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “The fire department.”

SALESMAN: “Can I talk to one of them?”
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “They’re busy.”

SALESMAN: “Is there anybody else there?”
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “The police department.”

SALESMAN: “Well, can I talk to one of them?”
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “They’re busy.”

 

SALESMAN: “Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department and the police department are all in your house, and they’re all busy. What are they doing?”

 

LITTLE BOY: (whisper) “They’re looking for me.”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Taxidermist
 

 

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and ordered a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"

"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Tried to kill myself

There was a blonde and she went to the emergency room because she got shot in the hand.

The doctor asked her how she got shot in the hand. She replied, "I tried to kill myself."
He replies "what?"

She says, "Well, first I put the gun to my chest then thought '"Wait I have a 500 dollar boob job and don't want to mess it up", then I put the gun to my chin, and thought "well, I just got new dental work done, don't want that messed up", so I put the gun to my ear and then thought, it will be really loud, so I put my hand between the gun and my ear and pulled the trigger!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Sexual problems

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.

"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.

"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again.

"So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us.

He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts.

He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other.

Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat.

Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.

After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us!

Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

[clementi]

Joke: American Pizza in Japan

 

 

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

 

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on pizza what you order: pepper only."

[clementi]

Joke: Mail box

 

 

Rosy said to her husband, "Tim, could you please fix the mailbox for me?"

Tim asked, "What happened to the mailbox?"

Rosy replied, "The post is beginning to rot. It needs a new post, but save the box."

Tim said, "All right, let me see what I can do."

When Tim walked to the end of the driveway, he realized that the post to the mailbox was indeed in bad shape. To free the box from the post, he pulled out all the nails except for one that had rust on it and just wouldn't come out. He wrapped his arms around the box in a bear hug and began trying to yank it off.

Just then a passerby, who noticed the entire episode, commented, "I tried that but it doesn't work. The bills just keep on coming!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Male & Female brain

A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant.

One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?"

The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000."

The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?"

"Well," the doctor replied, the female brain is less because it has been used."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: There were 3 friends stranded ...

There were 3 friends stranded on an island.

 

Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes.

 

 

The first man said, "I wish I was with my family" then poof he was with his family.

 

 

The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone.

 

The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?"

 

 

The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here.

 

Poof, his two friends were back in the island.

 

Joke: There were 3 friends stranded ...

There were 3 friends stranded on an island.

 

Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes.

 

 

The first man said, "I wish I was with my family" then poof he was with his family.

 

 

The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone.

 

The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?"

 

 

The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here.

 

Poof, his two friends were back in the island.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Oh, the Irony!

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man.

"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The horrible sunburn

 

 

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.

 

He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

 

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

 

The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, “What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?

 

The doctor replied, “It’ll keep the sheets off his legs.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Railroad Accident

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Surgery

 

 

After a great night of love making, a man in bed turns and spots a picture of another man on the lady’s table. “Who is that? You’re husband?” he asked nervously, “No” the lady replied. “Your boyfriend? Surely its your boyfriend” “no” she said.

 

“is it anybody you have had any relationship with?” he asked even more nervously.

 

“No silly! you look so hot when you’re frustrated”. “Then who the hell is it?!!?” he cried. The lady replied, “Me before surgery”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: We love peanuts

 

 

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

 

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, ” Why then don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?”.

 

“We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth,” she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”

 

The old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tangerine head

 

 

So, a sailor walks into a bar. Everything is normal about him, except his head is the size of a tangerine. The bartender asks, “Why is your head the size of a tangerine??” and the sailor tells this story:

 

“Well, I was sailing one day when our vessel went through serious storm. The ship was totally scrapped, and I was the only survivor. I made my way to a small island. I was there for months, finding food, shelter and water as well as I could. One day, while fishing, I saw a mermaid. I know you don’t think that mermaids exist, but this one was as real as ever.

 

Well, she told me that I looked like I was a bind, and she offered me one wish. I said to her: “I’ve been here on this island for months now, all by myself, and what I’d really love would be to have sex with you.” and she said, “That is something that I cannot do, seeing as the lower half of my body is a fish” so I said, “How about a little head?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bathtub anxieties

 

 

A little boy and a little girl were in the bathtub having a bath together. The boy notices the girl looking down at him.

 

“Can I touch it?” she asks.

 

The boy replies, “No way! You already broke yours off!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Funeral Comments

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says: ”I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … Look, He’s Moving!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wanna see my underwear?

 

The blind date hadn't been all that great and Susan was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She took one look and said, "Nice design. Does it also come in men's sizes?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Train Test

 

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

[worldangel]

Joke: Butcher Shop

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher’s counter.

 

 

The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”

“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, “No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!”

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart, “I see you’re buying a dozen eggs!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot and Cold Sex

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: 'You appear to be in good health.. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine.. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem.. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?'

"Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.

[aycee]

A bottom guy who always thinks that a thick, 6-inch dick is the optimal size for maximum pleasure was looking for tops of the same stats on a chat and one top responded. After swappin pics and stats, both agree to meet up for sex. However, after both guys got naked, the bottom refused to carry on, on grounds that the top's dick was too intimidating.

Top: "What do you mean intimidating?! If you can't handle a 6 inch dick, don' ask for it!"

Bottom: "Yes I did ask for a top with 'a 6inch AND thick dick', but not a top with 'a 6INCH THICK dick'!"

[aycee]

A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

 

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

 

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

 

Doctor: Denise.

 

Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

 

Doctor: Denephew.

[worldangel]

Joke: Coming for Thanksgiving

 

 

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

 

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,”

 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Welfare

 

 

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”

 

The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.”

 

The guy, wide-eyed, says, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

 

The social worker says, “Yeah, well… you started it.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Old relatives

 

When I was younger I hated going to weddings … it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ‘You’re next.’

 

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Brought it on yourself

 

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

 

“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.

 

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Need a costume

 

There’s this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

 

A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note, “Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.”

 

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

 

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, “Our apologies… please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will really look the part.”

 

Now the man is really annoyed, since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. The appalled man writes the company a very rude letter of complaint.

 

The next day, he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, “Please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!”

[worldangel]

Joke: The cure for stuttering

 

 

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

 

First guy asks the second guy, ‘How have things been going?’ The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy, I…..w…a…s……a…l…m…o…s..t..m…a…r…r…i…e..d’

 

The first guy says in amazement, ‘Hey, you’ve lost your stutter!’

 

The reply comes,

Y..e..s, .I….w..e..n..t…..t..o…..a…..d..o..c..t.o..r……a..n..d. . he…… t..o..l..d….. m..e…. t..h..a..t….. i..f….. I…… s..p..e…a..k….. s..l..o..w.l..y…… I …. w..o..u..l..d….. n..o..t…. s..t..u…t..t..e..r.’

 

The friend congratulates him and then asks about how he was almost married.

 

‘W..e..l..l,….. m..y….. f..i..a..n..c..e..e….a..n..d…….. I…… w..e…r..e….. s..i.t..t..i..n..g…. o..n…..h..e..r……. p..o..r..c..h… a..n…d…. t..h..e…d..o..g… w..a..s.. s…c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n….g…… h..i..s….b..a..c..k….s.o….. I….. t..o..l..d…. h.e..r……t…h..a.t……w…h..e..n….. w..e…..a..r..e….m..a..r..r..i..e.d,…. s..h..e…… c..a .n…… d..o…..t..h..a..t….. f..o..r….. m..e…… a..n..d…..t..h..e..n…. s.h..e…. t..h..r..e..w……. t..h..e….. r..i..n..g…..i..n….. m..y….. f..a..c..e’

 

Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?’ asks the friend.

 

‘W..e..l..l,……….I…..s..p..e..a..k..s..o…..s..l..o..w.l..y,….. t..h..a..t….b. .y…..t..h .e…… t..i…m…e….. s.h..e….. l..o..o..k..e..d .a..t . t..h..e … .d..o..g,….. h..e . w..a..s…….l..i..c..k..i..n..g .h..i..s ….. b..a..l..l..s.’

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The sound of pigs

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to raise their hands if they knew the correct sounds.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"
"Baaaa," answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The incorrect diagnosis

 

 

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man," the priest said.

 

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

 

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does," the man said.

[clementi]

Joke: The Fishing Trip
 

A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies," that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip."

 

[clementi]

Joke: The bravest soldier

 

 

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

 

 

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general. "Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.

"YES SIR!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly. "Now that's courage!" says the admiral.
"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!" "YES SIR!" replies the private.

 

 

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."
"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task. "Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says. "YES SIR!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

 

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "FUCK YOU SIR!"
The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Test of wills

 

 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[clementi]

Joke: Tennis balls

 

 

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

 

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.
"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.
"Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back.

 

"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Survival

 

 

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief..... "I am saved!"

 

 

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

 

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Sick Duck

 

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."

The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.

"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.

 

[clementi]

Joke: A man mentioned to his landlord ...

A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. “Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight.”

 

When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Mr. Johnson was overweight, so ...

Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

He said, “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.”

When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds.

Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor told him. “You did this just by following my instructions?”

The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

From hunger, you mean.”

No,” replied Mr. Johnson, “from skipping.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Smugglers

 

 

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand,” answers Juan.

 

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that ~ get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

 

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

 

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan.

 

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

 

This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

 

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

 

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Divers without scuba gears

 

 

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

 

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, “How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?”

 

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad luck

 

 

A man is rushing to work one day when he is knocked down by a car. When he comes round in the hospital, his wife is sitting next to the bed. He turns to her and says, “When I was unpopular at school, you took the time to get to know me and we started dating.

 

When I failed my degree at university, you were there beside me. When I couldn’t get a job through failing my degree, you were there beside me. When I did get a job, the same job I have been doing for 15 years without a pay rise, you were there beside me. I get run over, wake up in the hospital and you are there beside me. I have something I really need to say to you…”

 

 

Choking back tears, the man’s wife moves to sit on the bed. She gently picks up her husband’s hand in hers, “Yes my darling?” He says, “FUCK OFF YOU WITCH! YOU BRING ME BAD LUCK!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Income taxes

 

 

A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

 

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead – with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, Steve replies, “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

 

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel /centerfold.

 

Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these God-awful women.

 

Don replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to have. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, “Damn income taxes!”