Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke:  Vacuum Cleaner salesmen

 

 

A vacuum salesman walks to a house and knocks on the door. As soon as a lady answers the door, the man throws cow dung all over the carpet. He then says, “If this vacuum does not clean it completely and perform miracles, then I myself will eat the patties.”

 

There is a long pause….

 

The lady half laughing asks, “Do you want a ketchup or mustard on that?”

Puzzled the man asks, “What? Why?”

 

She says, laughing, “We just moved in and our electricity is not turn on yet.”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The speeder and the cop

 

 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

 

The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.” As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

 

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”

 

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

 

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

 

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

 

“Only when he’s been drinking”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The groom

 

 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began “I can explain.” “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

 

“But officer, I just wanted to say…” “I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

 

A few hours later the officer looked n on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.” “Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tell the dean how you feel

 

 

Wouldn’t it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her?

 

Well,… if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you’d better keep your mouth shut. I knew I’d get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years. But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).

 

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.

 

“Hey Bitch,” I said. “You’re so damn ugly… you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!” And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would forthe last four years.

 

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:

 

“In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The intelligent parrot

 

 

This guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe he’d like to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes to a pet shop in search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”

 

“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”

 

“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”

 

“I understood every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”

 

“Yeah?” The guy asks. “Then answer this; how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

 

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it cause of my feathers.”

 

“Wow,” says guy, “you really can understand and answer, can’t you?”

“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy … and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion.”

The guy looks at the price tag. “$200!” He says, “I can’t afford that.”

 

“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.

 

“Nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an offer.”

 

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He’s funny, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your wife and the mailman.”

 

“What?” says the guy.

 

“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.”

“What happened then?” Asks the guy.

 

“Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over,” reports the parrot.

“Oh No!” the guy says, “Then what?”

 

“Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down…”

 

The parrot pauses for a long time. “What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy.

“I don’t know,” says the parrot, “I fell off my perch.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old man’s sex drive

 

 

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks him to help revive her husband’s sex drive. “How about trying Viagra?” suggests the doctor. “Not a chance,” she replies.

 

“He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.” “No problem,” replies the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee and he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how things have worked out.”

 

A week later, the elderly woman returned to the doctor. “Well, how did things go?” he asked. “Oh, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor.” “Really? What happened?” he asked.

 

“Well, I did as you suggested and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up and swept the cutlery off the table. Then, he ripped my clothes off and made passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.”

 

“What was terrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not so good?” “Oh, no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years, but I’ll never be able to show my face at Burger King again.”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Cat heaven

 

 

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat “you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

 

The cat thinks for a moment and says “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.” The Lord stops the cat and says, “say no more.” And a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

 

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms.

 

Running, running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?” The Lord says, “Say no more.” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

 

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you are here?” The cat stretches and yawns and replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Little old lady in court

 

 

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

 

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

 

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney:Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

 

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

 

Defense Attorney Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”

 

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Simple Response to Telemarketers

 

 

I get so sick of those telephone people calling all the time. “Yes this is Associates Credit and we want …” Well, here is an effective way to get them to quit calling.

Caller: Hello this is (company or item being sold) and we would like to speak to (whoever). Are they available?

 

Me: Yeah. (Long silence) You wanna talk to em?

Caller: Um, Yes please. Thank you.

Me: Well, I’m not gonna give them the phone. (I was about 13 when I tried this)

Caller: Little girl, let me speak with you mother or …

Me: Or what?

 

Caller: I just …”

Me: hang on please …

Caller: (mumbling) finally … I hate kids …

Me: (leaves phone unattended for ten minutes, picks up phone and to my surprise she is still there, disguise my voice) Hello, this is (whoever), may I help you?

 

Caller: Yes, I am from -

Me: Hold please

Caller: (sigh)

Me: (no longer disguising my voice but faking crying ten minutes later) I have no friends … it would be nice to have a friend, seeing how persistent you are, maybe you would like to be my friend??

 

Caller: (exasperated) LET ME SPEAK WITH YOUR MOTHER!!

Me: UGH ok!

Caller: Jeez …

Me: (leaves phone unattended for ten more minutes, disguises voice) Hello I’m back, I was in the bathroom. I have had this terrible pain in my stomach and it makes me -

Caller: MA’AM!! Hello, I am from (company) and I was -

Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

Caller: Ma’am?? Ma’am is everything alright???? Ma’am!!

Me: Sorry, I saw what I thought was a bug. It was an old raisin. Do you like raisins? I like em, they do give me gas sometimes and -

Caller: Mrs. (whoever) I am from (company) and I was wondering -

 

Me: Why did you interrupt me? That was rude. I was just going to tell you that raisins get stuck in my teeth sometimes and my husband gets dia -

Caller: Ma’am I really am not interested in what happens when you eat raisins and -

Me: I am really not interested in whatever you want to sell me … (no longer disguising my voice)

 

Caller: YOU! Please, I am begging you let me talk to your mother …

Me: Oh … She is not here. But, I still have no friends and …

Caller: OGHUGHG!! (hangs up LOUDLY)

 

The funniest part of the story is my mother was sitting next to me the whole time holding another phone, listening to the whole thing ….

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Lifesavers

 

 

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

 

One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these,” announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

 

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.” Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, “Spit ‘em out, you guys, they’re assholes!”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Who to Marry…

 

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, “Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot.” The second man married a telephone operator.

 

Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, “Wow, he’s one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button… Va-voom.” The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, “Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.”

 

 

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher’s husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn’t call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock.

 

The man’s pyjamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. “Sir, what happened?” asked Jeff. “You married a nurse.” “Son, don’t ever marry a nurse,” the man sourly replied. “All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, ‘You’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary’.”

 

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator’s husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man’s hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed. “What happened?” Jeff asked with surprise.

 

“Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices.” “Son, don’t ever marry a telephone operator,” the man groaned. “All I heard last night was Her nasal voice saying, ‘Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up’.” Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher’s husband would be calling at any moment.

 

 

Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher’s husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn’t believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple’s room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were Scratches all over his chest, arms and legs. “My goodness sir, what happened to you?” Jeff asked, fearing the worst. “Did you have a fight?”

 

The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, “No. Son, when you marry be sure it’s to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, ‘We’re going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right’.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Stairway to laughter
 

 

A blonde, A brunette, and a red-head all died in a car crash, and they all went to heaven at the same time.

 

They arrive at the gates of heaven, when God appears and tells them they must pass a laughter test, if they fail, they will be sent to hell.

 

The objective was to climb 100 stairs without laughing. Each stair will have it’s own joke.

 

The Brunette goes first, and laughs at the 46th stair.

The Red-Head goes second, and makes it to the 77th stair.

The Blonde, makes all the way to the 100th step, when she suddenly bursts out with laughter.

 

The Heaven asks “Why are you laughing now?”

The Blonde says “I just got the first joke”.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: 12-inch pianist

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices the man sitting next to him is looking into a box. After a while, his curiosity gets the best of him, so he leans over and looks into the box. Inside is a miniature man playing a miniature piano. “… that’s amazing, where did you get it?”, he asked. His barmate answers, “This is my wish. There’s a genie out back in the alley and he is granting wishes.”

 

The guy finds this hard to believe, so he walks out back to the alley, and to his surprise, there is a genie. The genie asks him what he would like to have for a wish, and the guy answers, “I would like to have a million bucks!” Then suddenly, there are a million ducks flying around his head, quacking and flapping their wings.

 

He goes back into the bar and says to the barmate, “That’s a poor excuse of a genie! I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million DUCKS!” His barmate turns away from the box he’s looking into and replies, “I guess you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Uneasy wishes

 

 

A mafia king is lying on his sick bed when he calls in one of his godsons. “Mikey, get over here,” he says, “before I go, I gotta ask you to do me one favor.” “Yes, godfather, anything you ask me I’ll do, I worship you more than anything!”

 

“OK!” says the old man, “I want you to go to the bathroom and jerk off!” Feeling uneasy the boy says, “I don’t know, it is embarassing.” The old man says, “Who raised you as if you were my kid huh, you can’t do it for me?” The youngster agrees and does the deed, he comes back and says, “OK I did it.” The old man says, “One more request, do it again!”

 

The boy looks and says, “Why? I just did?” The old man says, “Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? you can’t do this little thing for me?” The boy agrees and goes to do it. He comes back sweating and says “OK, done!” “One last request, do it one last time! ” says the old man. “I don’t understand, why?” says the boy. “Don’t ask, Can’t you grant a dying man his last wish?”

 

The boy goes and does it again, he comes back crawling, barely able to talk, “OK I did it again, but please no more, I got no more left! “Good!” says the old man, he hands him car keys and says, “Now drive to the airport and pick up my daughter!”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: What would you say?

 

 

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the…”

 

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

 

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

 

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie”.

 

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move.

 

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

 

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?” “Now tell me, what the f*#k would you say?”

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Men with no ears

 

 

Mervin was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

 

One day, Mervin decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

 

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Mervin asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.” Mervin got very angry and threw him out.

 

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Mervin again was upset and tossed her out.

 

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Mervin was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

 

Mervin was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

 

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!”

 

[clementi]

Joke:  Jackass

 

 

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

 

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

 

Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

She took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.”

 

Needless to say, this guy was heartbroken. But, even more so, he was pissed.

So he wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and mailed the picture to her parents.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Why Men Have Better Friends

 

Women’s Friends:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The husband called his wife’s ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

 

Men’s Friends:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there

 

[clementi]

Joke: Truck driver and the blonde

 

 

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. While driving home from the dealer in her new car she cuts off a semi, almost driving it over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.

 

The driver gets out and draws a circle in the dust and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up the blondes leather seats. He turns around and sees that she’s smiling. So he goes to his truck, gets out his baseball bat, and starts smashing her windows and denting the car.

 

He looks over and sees that she’s laughing. He’s really mad now, so he takes the knife and slashes the tires. He looks back again to see that the blonde is laughing so hard that she’s about to fall over.

 

He demands, “What is so freaking funny?!?!” She then takes a deep breath and says, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Divorced Letter

 

Dear Husband:

 

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

 

Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!

 

Have a great life! > Your EX-Wife

 

*********************************************************** ********************************

Dear Ex-Wife

 

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice.

 

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

 

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

 

 

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

 

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

[worldangel]

Joke: Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

 

 

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the foods nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore!!!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Be nice to nurses

 

When you’re hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you’re feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned this the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”

 

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. “No, I’m sorry,” the nurse stated,” but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!” She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came into the room.

 

“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”

 

“Yes,” said the doctor. “But never with a carnation.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Big People Words

 

 

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! “You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them.

 

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People’ words!”

 

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo choo.” She said “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use “Big People’ words.”

 

She then asked little Alec what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied. “That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?” Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, “Winnie the SHIT.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gas meters

 

 

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

 

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

 

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

 

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Double for lawyers

 

 

A man walking on the beach found an empty bottle. He picked up the bottle and a genie popped out. “You have freed me from that bottle,” said the genie. “I will grant you three wishes, but for every wish you make every lawyer in the world gets doubled of what you wished for.”

 

“OK,” said the man. “For my first wish I want to have 10 million dollars.” “Remember now, every lawyer has just received 20 million dollars.” “No problem!”

 

“For my second wish I want a brand new car.” “Remember now every lawyer in the world has just received 2 brand new cars.”

 

“And for my third wish I want to donate a kidney.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Worms

 

 

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.

 

 

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey.

 

 

The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"

 

 

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two roaches

 

 

So these two roaches, Tom and Oscar, are hanging out next to a dumpster enjoying a snack. “Hey Tom” said Tom to his friend Oscar, “You know that restaurant down the block?

 

I went there yesterday to pick up some scraps, and I couldn’t believe how clean it was, I could practically see my reflection through the shiny waxed floor.”

 

“Oscar” hollered Tom spitting the food out of his mouth, “please not while I am eating!!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An apology

 

 

A customer at a counter of a garden ornament shop said to the cashier, “Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of those sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandmas in bloomers.”

 

The cashier replied “that’ll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten for the flamingos, six for the sunflowers, and an apology for my wife!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New employee

 

 

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. “Need some help?” a secretary asked.

 

“Yes,” he replied. “How does this thing work?” “Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

 

“Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A really bad day

 

 

So, there's this guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink... staring into the glass... deep in thought

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs the drink, and drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me on the spot. When I left the building and headed to my car, I found out it was stolen. The cops said they could do nothing.

So, I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And then I was finally going to end it all, you show up and grab my glass and drink my poison..."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexual Harassment

 

 

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer!

The woman goes into her supervisor's office, tells him what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smell nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Discharge

A young lady walks into a doctor’s office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge."

The doctor lays her down, lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and asks her, "How does that feel?"

The young lady replies, "Oooh doctor, that feels lovely... but the discharge is from my ear!"

 

[clementi]

Joke:  The ant and the elephant

 

 

An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when it suddenly stepped on a thorn, wedging it between its toes. Being in too much pain to continue, the elephant lay down and began to cry.

Shortly after, an ant came across the elephant and asked why she was crying. “I have a thorn in my foot and it’s too painful to walk,” cried the elephant.

The ant thought a minute and offered a deal: “I’ll pull the thorn from your foot, if you let me have my way with you.”

 

“Okay, I’ll do anything,” whined the elephant. “Just get the damn thorn out!”

The ant pulled the thorn out, then mounted the elephant and began to hump away. Two monkeys in a nearby tree witnessed the whole thing and were laughing their asses off. They started throwing coconuts at the elephant, and finally one hit her square in the head. The elephant yelled, “YEOUCH!”

The ant said, “Yeah, that’s riiight, take it all bitch!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:  Math trouble

 

 

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies.

 

The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.

 

On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, “Why the sudden change of attitude about math — do the nuns punish you?

 

The girl replied, “No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!”

[clementi]

Joke:  Perry Coma

 

 

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately.

 

Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!

“How did that happen?” asked the doctor.

“I think she choked to death,” said the husband. 

[clementi]

Joke: Leopard vs Poodle

 

 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

 

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

 

The poodle thinks, “Oh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

 

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”

 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

 

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”

 

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

 

“Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says, “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

[clementi]

Joke:  Thank you for flying with us

 

 

An aeroplane 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.
”As soon as I clock off” he said, ”I’m going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.”

 

The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle.

 

 

A little old lady sitting there whispered, ”There’s no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Wee hughies excuse

 

 

Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

 

 

“What’s the story this time. Hughie?” he asked sarcastically, “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Wee Hughie sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn’t turn up.

 

 

Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office, and here I am!”

 

 

“You’ll have to do better than that, Hughie,” said his boss, disappointed, “No woman can be ready in ten minutes.”

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Getting down under

 

 

A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

 

 

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

 

 

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

 

 

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

 

 

“What happened?” she asks.

 

“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it’s anything like screwing a kangaroo I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: 911 Emergency

 

There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.

 

She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.

 

 

In a panic she called 911. They answered and said “This is Joe Anderson is there an emergency?”

The blonde replied “Yes my shed is on fire!!!” Joe said, “Don’t panic help in on the way…where do you live?”

 

 

The blonde said, “IN A HOUSE NOW HURRY!!”

 

 

Joe calmly responded back, “How are we supposed to get there?”

The blonde answered back, “DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A shave and a shine

 

 

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

 

The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”

 

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.

 

The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.”
She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A wrinkle in time

 

 

A little girl got on her grandpa’s lap and said, “Did God make me?”
“Yes,” the grandpa replied.

 

“Did God make you too?”

“Yes,” the grandpa said.

 

“Well,” the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, “He sure is doing a better job nowadays!”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:  Halloween party

 

 

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

 

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice girl he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife moved on up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

 

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little romp.

 

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

 

He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Tickle me Elmo

 

A woman desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The personal manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

 

The personal manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the “Tickle Me Elmo” line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door.

 

The “Tickle Me Elmo” line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman he just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the personnel manager suggested he show him the problem.

 

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo’s legs.

 

The personnel manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, “I’m sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Sex Therapy – Florida Style

 

 

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office.

The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”

 

The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

 

 

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

 

 

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

 

 

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

 

 

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

 

 

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

 

 

The old man says, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare…!

[clementi]

Joke: Half of everything

 

 

Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it.

A genie pops out. He says, “I will grant you each one wish, but there’s a catch. Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get 2 times more than that.”

 

The first guy says, “I want a million dollars.” The genie says, “Are you sure?” He says yes. *poof* The guy has one million dollars, and a lawyer gets two million.

 

The second guy says “I want a new car.” The genie says, “A lawyer is getting two new cars then.”

The guy says, “Oh well. I want my car.” *poof* He has a new porsche.

 

The third guy says, “I want to be beaten half to death.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  The chairman of the board

 

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

 

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One-armed Jock

 

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, “You can write with your other hand.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde goes to the library

 

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, “This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it.”

 

The librarian says to the other librarian, “So here is the person who took our phone book!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  A redneck wins lottery

 

 

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”

 

 

To which the man replied, “No sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

 

 

The Redneck said, “I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.”

 

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

 

 

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!”