Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Stinkin’ proof

 

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.

When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.

 

One week later, she went to get some cat food. Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat. So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.

 

Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something . She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them. When the cashier did, he said, “It smells like poop!”

 

The old lady replied, “Can I buy some toilet paper now?” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Boat trouble

 

 

One spring morning, a blonde was excited to try out her new boat.

She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

 

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek professional help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

 

The workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems.
 

Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

[worldangel]

Joke:  Smart pills

 

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ”What is that?”

”They’re smart pills,” said the other boy. ”Eat them and they’ll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said,”These taste like shit.”

 

”See,” said the other boy, ”you’re getting smarter already.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: True football fan

 

Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn’t the greatest, so when I noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, “No”.

I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, “My wife use to love to come to these games until she died.”

“Why didn’t you give this seat away to a friend?” I asked.

 

He replied, “Because they are all at her funeral.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Johnny’s prognosis

 

A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they spoke, her Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room – yet she made no attempt to restrain him.

Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor, “I hope you don’t mind my Little Johnny playing in there.”

“No, not at all,” said the doctor calmly. “I’m sure he’ll calm down as soon as he finds the poison.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Redneck honeymoon

 

A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.

 

The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, “Please be gentle with me. I’m a virgin.”

The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

 

His father comforts him by saying, “Now, now. It’ll be okay, son. If she wasn’t good enough for her own family, then she isn’t good enough for ours.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lab results

 

An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, “You’d better sit down. It’s pretty bad”

The old man, naturally, gets all nervous and asks, “What is it, Doc? Don’t hold back — just give it to me straight”

 

“Well, says the doctor, “You have cancer and you have Alzheimers”

The man replies, “Wow. Well, at least I don’t have cancer”

[worldangel]

Joke: Have a drink

 

Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road.

 

They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt.

It’s impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer.

 

The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they’ll be there in 20 minutes.

 

It’s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.

“Aren’t you going to have a drink?” the doctor asked.

 

“AFTER the police get here,” replies the lawyer.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Crabs

 

This guy goes to a whorehouse and gets a whore for $10.The next day he’s itching like crazy.

 

He goes back to the hooker to complain, saying, “You gave me crabs!”

 

She says, “What do you expect for $10, lobster?”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Paid for sex

 

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.

 

“Have you ever paid for sex?” the woman asked my friend’s husband sweetly.

 

Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, “Oh yes”, he sighed, “Every time.”

 

 

[worldangel]

My 7777^th post

 

Joke: Viagra for gramps

 

 

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going ?”

 

He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”

And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”

 

“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”

 

She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”

He said, “Why?”

 

She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra Coffee

 

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

 

The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

 

The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

 

“Well,” the doctor continued, “Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

 

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

 

“How did it go?” the doctor asked.

“Terrible, doctor, terrible.”

 

“Did it not work?”

“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”

 

“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bag

 

 

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

 

 

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

 

 

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

 

 

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

 

The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!"

 

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag." 
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Paper Towel?

 

 

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.

"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The wrinkled nightgown

 

 

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs.

 

Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The artificial insemination man  

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.

 

She says, "This is the one, right here." The man says, "How do you know?"

Amy says, "By the nail over its stall." The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Stormy Sea

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Take a Pill for Speeding
 

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.

Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was screwed."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The parrot

 

 

A young newly married couple inherited a parrot from an aged relative. This parrot was very talkative, and was forever informing visitors as to what went on in the newlyweds' home. One evening, after a very embarrassing comment from the bird, the husband had enough and said to the parrot, "That's it! You will be covered up much earlier in the future, and if you take your cage cover off or embarrass us again, you will be sent to the zoo."

 

Two days later, the couple was preparing for a short trip, and as usual, the suitcase was too full to close. So the husband said, "I'll get on top and jump up and down and you see if you can get it."

After a bit, the wife said, "This is no good. I'll get on top and you see if you can get it."

 

This still did not work, and so the husband said, "Tell you what, let's both get on top and bounce up and down. That'll get it." With this, the parrot pulled off the cage cover and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I have got to see."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The unhappy man

 

 

A man lost both of his arms in a car accident. When he recovered in the hospital, he found that he was useless and decided to commit suicide by jumping out of a 10th-storey window.

 

 

As he looked down from the window, he saw a man with no arms just like him dancing wildly and happily on the street. He decided to find out what made this man so happy.

Arriving on the street, he asked, "Hey, brother, stop dancing for a minute and tell what your secret is that you are so happy."

The dancing man responded, "What do you mean, happy? Hell no! I feel itchy like hell in my ass, but I can't reach it."

[worldangel]

Joke: The snail

 

 

A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a naked woman on his back.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.
"I'm a snail," the man replied.

"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's Michelle."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Terrible headaches

 

 

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Mistress

 

 

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce."
"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.

[worldangel]

Joke: A perfect car

 

 

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:  Three Salesmen

 

 

Three salesmen are traveling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,“I have a bed in the back room. It’s just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight.”

 

The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.

 

The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says, “Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman!”

 

The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,“Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman as well!”

 

The man who slept in the middle says,“I had a dream that I was skiing!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Work or pleasure

 

Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

 

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?” A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

 

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

 

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

 

“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

[worldangel]

Joke:  Breakfast

 

 

It’s early in the morning, and Johnny, who’s ten years old, is telling his younger brother Freddie that he’s going to use a Bad Word that day. Freddie thinks this is most daring thing ever, and asks, “Really??? That’s soooo cool! What word you gonna use? Huh?”

Johnny whispers “I’m going to say ‘God-damn’!”

 

Freddie is really impressed. “Wow! I wanna say a bad word too! I’m going to say… say… ASS!”

They are both really excited and are whispering and planning until their mother calls them down to breakfast. They can barely control their giggling when their mother sweetly asks, “What would you like for breakfast, Johnny?”

 

And Johnny, with a conspiratorial look at his brother, says “I’m gonna have… gonna have… gonna have some god-damn eggs!”

 

Their mother is stunned, then furious – “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!”, and grabs Johnny by the scruff of his neck, turns him over and spanks him until he’s sore and crying, and then sends him straight up to bed. Then, still furious, she turns to Freddie and demands, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man!?”

 

Freddie is utterly cowed and can barely speak he’s so scared, but finally manages to speak, “I’m … I’m… I’m… not sure – but you can bet your ass I don’t want no god-damn eggs!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New nurse

 

 

A new nurse is being given the tour of his new workplace. He and a fellow nurse walk the hallways of the hospital. Passing one of the rooms he sees a nurse mounted on top of a patient having rough passionate sex.

 

“What on earth is this nurse doing?!” He asked. The other nurse casually replies “this man has a very rare condition. If he doesn’t ejaculate 6 or more times a day, his balls fill up with pressure and literally explode.”

 

The new nurse, stunned, but content with the answer continues on with his tour of the hospital. A few doors down he sees a man bored and sighing, masturbating to a hardcore porn.

 

“And this man? ” the new nurse asked.

 

The other nurse response “Oh, this man? He has the same condition as the patient with the exploding balls a few doors down. But that patient has better insurance.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Police pulls him over

 

 

A man gets pulled over for swerving.

The Police officer says to the driver, “Sir, I’m going to need you to take a breathalyzer test for me.”

Driver: “I’m sorry officer, I can’t do that.”

Police officer: “Why not, sir?”

 

Driver: “Because I have asthma and it will aggravate my condition.”

Police officer: “Okay sir, then I’m going to prick your finger and draw a drop of blood to test.”

Driver: “Oh I’m sorry officer, I won’t be able to do that either.”

Police officer: “What is the problem, sir?”

 

Driver: “Well you see, the thing is that I’m anemic.”

Police officer: “Okay sir, then I’m going to need to ask you to step out of the car and walk the line at the side of the road.”

 

Driver: “I’m sorry officer, but I can’t do that either.”

Police officer: “And why is that, sir?”

Driver: “Because I’m drunk.”

[worldangel]

Joke: At doctor’s office

 

 

An old man goes to the doctor’s office as he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?” “There’s something wrong with my penis,” he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.” “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said. The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

 

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.” The man walked out, waited a few minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?’ “There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

 

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?” “I can’t piss out of it…”

[worldangel]

Joke: Tattoo

 

 

For a couples anniversary, this guys wife wants to get the words “beautiful butt” tattoo’d across her ass, since he’s always saying how beautiful her butt is.

 

She goes to get the tattoo, but the artist says that the words are too long and she doesn’t have enough room. She decided to abbreviate the words to BB, one B on each cheek. The artist says he can do that.

 

She gets home to find her husband in bed reading. She strips for him, and turns around and bends over and grabs her ankles. Her husband looks at her ass and says “Who the hell is BOB?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: True blonde

 

A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

 

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

 

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”

She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”

 

“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad parrot

 

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.

 

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

 

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

 

David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness.”

 

David was astounded at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Invitation to dinner

 

 

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

 

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking fancy meal!”

 

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

 

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hearing problem

 

An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.

 

One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

 

The gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The swimmer

 

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.

 

The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party.

 

During the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

 

As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.

The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking.

 

Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, “My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”

 

The man says, “Listen, I don’t want your money. I don’t want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Zoo performer

 

 

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

 

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

 

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

 

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

 

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

 

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

 

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

 

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

 

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Dearly departed

 

 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

 

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

 

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

 

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Would you marry again?

 

A husband and wife were lying in bed together one night. The wife rolled over and placed her hand lovingly on the chest of her husband.

 

“Honey,” the wife said, “if I died would you get married again?”

The husband said, “Never, my dear.”

 

The wife said, “I”m sure you would.”

So the husband said, “Okay, I would”

 

“Would you let her sleep in our bed?” the wife asked.

And the husband replied, “I suppose so.”

 

Then the wife asked, “Would you let her wear my clothes?”

“I doubt she”d want to,” the husband said. “She”d be so much thinner.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Accountant goes to jail

 

 

A nerdy little accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge guy with a big bulge. The cellmate says, “I wanna have some sex. Are you gonna be the husband or the wife?”

The little guy says, “Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I’d rather be the husband.”

 

The big guy says, “Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife’s dick.” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The cab driver

 

 

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in the city on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

 

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

 

 

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look friend, don’t EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

 

The passenger apologizes and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much.

 

The driver, after gathering himself together replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault.

 

Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A man takes his hamster to the ...

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature, the vet pronounces it dead.

Not happy with the vet's diagnosis, the man asks for a second opinion.

The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.

"There," says the vet. "Your hamster is dead."

Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion.

The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking its head.

"It's definitely dead sir," says the vet. Convinced, the man asks how much he owes.  "That will be $1000, please."

"$1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead?" fumes the man.

"Well," says the vet.... "There's my diagnosis, the lab report, and the cat scan."

 

[clementi]

Joke: An old guy in his Volvo is dri ...

 

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his car phone.

"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".

"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: So there's this man with ...

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

 

[clementi]

Joke: A fellow bought a new Mercedes ...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

 

 

 

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

 

 

The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

 

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Two Women at the Pearly Gates

 

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

Woman #1: I froze to death.

Woman #2: How horrible!

Woman #1: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

Woman #2: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

Woman #1: So what happened?

Woman #2: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

Woman #1: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Just can’t be explained

 

 

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

 

The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

 

“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. “Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”

 

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied.

“So what happened then?” the man asked.

 

The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”

“And then?”

 

“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

 

Man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

 

“So, what did you do then?” the man asked.

“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”

“And then?”

 

“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

“Hmmm . . . ” the man said and nodded his head.

 

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.

“So, what did you do?” the man asked.

 

“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can’t explain.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Police inspect

 

 

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings…

‘Hello, is this the Police?’

 

‘Yes. What can I do for you?’

‘Ah’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor Mr. Dugly Smith….ya see sir, he’s hidin’ marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he’s a-hidin’ it there.’

 

‘Thank you very much for the call, sir.’

The next day, Police Officers descend on Dugly’s house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Dugly and leave.

 

Shortly, the phone rings at Dugly’s house.

‘Hey, Dugly! This here’s Floyd….Did the Sheriff come?’

‘Yup sure did!’

 

‘Did they chop all-a ya’all firewood?’

‘Yup!

 

‘Happy Birthday, buddy!’

 

[clementi]

Joke: Kiss and slap

 

 

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita.

 

They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

 

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

 

The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

 

The General manager is setting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped and hit me!”

 

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

 

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!”

[clementi]

Joke: Biker bar interview

 

 

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

 

She proclaimed, “I want to join your biker club.”

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

 

So the biker asked her, “You have a bike?”

The little old lady said, “Yeah, that’s my Harley over there,” and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

 

The biker asked her, “Do you smoke?”

The little old lady said, “Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I’m shooting pool.”

 

The biker was impressed and asked, “Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

The little old lady said, “No, I’ve never been picked up by the fuzz, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.”