Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Disappearing diner...

 

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

 

 

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

 

 

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Martini

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."    

[worldangel]

Joke: Panic at the hotel...

 

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

 

 

 

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

 

 

 

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?

 

 

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Weight Problem

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A visit with Grandpa...

 

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

 

 

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

 

 

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

 

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

 

 

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

 

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

 

 

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

 

 

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding ticket

 

 

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

 

“There ain’t no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

 

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

“What on earth am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car.

 

“I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!”

 

“Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

 

“Have a nice night,” said the officer.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The surgery

 

 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

 

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

 

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

 

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

 

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

 

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Voices

 

 

A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could barely hear the child speaking since the other kids were making too much noise. In an attempt to quiet them, she said, ”I can hear voices!”

Two janitors outside heard the teacher and one said to the other, ”Jeez, she better stop telling the kids about her mental problems!”

[worldangel]

Joke: The parking ticket

 

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’

 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

 

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

 

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.

[worldangel]

Joke: E-mail error

 

It’s wise to remember how easily e-mail can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

 

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

 

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

 

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Intelligent dog

 

 

A dog walks into a butcher shop, spends a number of minutes looking at the meat on display, and eventually indicates with a nod of his head and a bark that he would like some lamb chops.

 

The butcher, thinking the dog would know no better, picks up the lowest quality chops in the shop.

 

The dog barks furiously and continues to bark until the butcher selects the finest chops from the display counter.

 

The butcher weighs the meat and asks the dog for $5.90. Again, the dog barks furiously until the butcher reduces the bill to the correct price of $3.60.

 

The dog hands over a five dollar note and the butcher gives him 40 cents in change. Once again, the dog barks continuously until the butcher tenders the correct change. The dog then picks up his package and leaves the shop.

 

Now, the butcher is extremely impressed and decides that he would like to own a dog so clever. He shuts up shop and follows the dog to see where it goes.

 

After ten minutes or so, the dog climbs the steps to a house. When it gets to the top, it shakes its head as though in frustration, gently places the package of meat on the floor and, standing on its hind legs, rings the doorbell.

 

A man opens the door and starts to yell obscenities at the dog. As he does so, the horrified butcher leaps up the steps and begs the man to stop. “It’s such an intelligent dog,” he says, “surelly it doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment.”

 

He then went on to explain how the dog had procured the best lamb chops in the shop, insisted on paying the advertised price and quibbled over incorrect change!

 

The man looked at the butcher and said, “Intelligent he may be, but this is the third time this week he’s forgotten his keys”.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Give me a push

 

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Barbeque Time

 

This man walks into the kitchen, looks at his wife and says “My God, your ass is getting as big as a barbeque”.

 

That night they are in bed and he is getting frisky.

 

She turns to him and says “If you think that I am going to fire up the barbeque for one little wiener, then you’re crazy”.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Going too fast

 

 

This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

“I was only going 40!” the driver protested.

 

“Not according to my radar,” the officer replied.

“Yes, I was!” the man shouted back.

 

“No you weren’t!” the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man’s wife leaned toward the window and said, “Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he’s been drinking.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Fire Engine

 

 

As a drunken guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

 

Immediately, the drunker starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

 

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, “If that’s the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sober up

 

 

Doctor: “It’s no good. I can’t find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking.”

 

Patient: “I’ll come back when you’re sober then!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Escaped convicts

 

 

Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks. Each of the three hide in one.

A policeman quickly comes through the scene and hears a rustling from the potato sacks. He goes over to them and kicks the first potato sack.

‘Meow!’ says the a convict. And the policeman goes to the next muttering, ‘Stupid cats.’
He kicks the second potato sack and the second convict says, ‘Woof!’

‘Stupid dogs!’ says the policeman while moving on to the next potato sack. The policeman kicks it, nothing, so he kicks it again and the last convict says, ‘Potato potato!’

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A box of cigars

 

 

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined!”

 

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

 

“No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.”

 

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!”

 

Confidently the lawyer responded, “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”

“But I did send them.”, replied the man.

“What?” shouted the lawyer.

 

“I sure did, that’s how we won the case… good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff’s business card.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Suicidal granny

 

 

An elderly woman, distressed over the recent death of her husband, decided to end her life early to be with her husband in the afterlife.

 

She went to her doctors the next day and asked, “Doctor, where is my heart?”.

 

He replied, On a woman’s body, it is just below the left breast. With that said she went home, took her husband’s loaded handgun, and shot herself.

 

A neighbour, overhearing the gunfire, immediately called 911. The ambulance arrived, and she was admitted to the hospital with a gun-shot wound just below her left knee.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Seeing eye dog

 

 

A blind man with his seeing eye dog are walking down a busy street in New York.

 

The man comes to a cross walk to get to the other side of the busy street. The seeing eye dog proceeds to lead his master across the street in rush hour traffic.

 

Cars are honking horns, screeching their brakes to avoid hitting the man and dog. The man finally makes it across the street, unbelievably safe and sound.

 

The blind man reaches in his pocket for a dog biscuit.

 

One man that witnessed this walked up to the blind man and said “Mister, I just saw that dog of yours take you across rush hour traffic, almost getting you killed and you are rewarding him?!

 

The blind man said “I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to see which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Who is in the trees

 

 

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were in a wilderness chased by police and their dogs.

 

They got tired running so they each climbed a tree.

The police dogs came and started barking on a tree with the brunette on it.

 

The brunette cried “COOO COOO” The police said it’s just a pigeon up there.

 

The dogs then barked on a tree with the redhead on it.

 

The redhead cried “HOOO HOOO” The police said it’s just an owl up there.

 

The dogs then came to the tree with the blonde on it. The blond cried “MOOO MOOO”.

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The investment advisor

 

 

An investment advisor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.

 

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?”

 

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

 

“Impresive. And what sort of case was that?” asked the investment advisor.

 

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

[clementi]

Joke: Share and share alike

 

 

Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: “I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal.”

 

“Well” replied the other farmer “I’m not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you’d give me one?”

 

“Of course” says the first.

The second farmer continued: “and if you had two cars, you’d give me one of them too?”

“Absolutely”

 

“So” says the second farmer, “if you had two pigs then you’d give me one of them?”

 

“Ah, now hang on a minute” says the first, “you know I’ve got two pigs!”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Blonde puppies

 

 

Three women were sitting in a bar, (brunette, red head, and a blonde) and they were all pregnant.

 

The brunette says, “I know what I’m going to have” The other to asked how she knew. She replied, “well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a boy”.

 

The red head said, “If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.

 

The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, “PUPPIES, PUPPIES!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Engineers vs Managers

 

 

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

 

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures – the whole thing is just a mess.

 

An engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

 

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. “Isn’t that just like an engineer, we’re looking for the height and he gives us the length.”

[clementi]

Joke: School

 

 

Mom goes to son’s room to wake him up. “Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!” Son, in a surly mood says, “I don’t want to go to school!”

 

Mother insists, “You must, son, now come on!” Son replies, “I don’t want to go! The kids all make fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me! I don’t want to go!”

 

Mother says, gently, “Son, you know you have to go to school.” “Why do I have to go to school?”

 

Mother replies, “Because you’re the PRINCIPAL!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Student project

 

 

A man entered a restaurant and bar and sat himself at the bar for a drink. He noticed a beautiful girl at the other end of the bar seemingly alone.

 

After some time he picked up his drink and went to sit beside her and asked “Can I buy you a drink?” She replied in a loud voice “A motel!” “No!” he replied I just offered a drink.

 

All the people in the restaurant were then staring at him. “I just offered a drink”, he said. She replied “Why should I go with you to a motel?”

 

“Oh forget it” he said as he left to return to the other end of the bar.

 

What a kook he thought. About 20 minutes later she came to his end of the bar and said; “Sir, I’m sorry to have embarrassed you but I am a student at the University and I have to do a term paper on reactions to embarrassing situations. I hope you will forgive me, since this was just part of my research.” He looked at her, and in a very loud voice said, “TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Old gals

 

 

There were a couple of old gals in the local nursing home who were getting a little bored with the lack of excitement in their surroundings.

 

 

They decided to liven things up and took their clothes off and walked through the local male gathering area in the buff.

 

 

One of the men poked the other one and asked if he had seen what just went by. The other replied yep he had seen it and whatever it was it sure did need ironing.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Young executive

 

 

A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. “Do you know how to work this thing?” the older man asks.

 

“My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.” “Yes, sir,” says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in.

 

“Now,” says his boss, “I just need the one copy.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bill

 

 

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. “If I gave you $1,500 minus 3%, how much would you take off?”

 

The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Swearing bird

 

 

A man had just bought a talking parrot from the pet store but when he gets home the bird keeps swearing at him, after a while the man gets a bit fed up and says to the bird “if you keep that up I’ll put you in the fridge!” “Fxxx you” says the bird, so the bloke chucks him in the fridge.

Ten minutes later he checks on the bird and asks “have you learnt your lesson?” the bird replies “no I fxxin havent” so the bloke decides to chuck him in the freezer for more punishment.

After another 10 minutes he opens the freezer to check on the bird, and the bird says warily “what’d the fxxin chicken do??”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Redneck

 

 

You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “most admired people.”

 

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

 

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it..

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Windows

 

 

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her “What sizes do you need?”

 

She replies “15 inches.”

 

He exclaims “15 INCHES?! What room are they for?” She says, “I only need one, and it’s not for a room. It’s for my computer monitor.”

 

The surprised salesman exclaims, “Miss, computers do not have curtains.”

The blond says “HELLOOooooooo…. I’ve got Windows!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Telephone salesman

 

 

Telephoned a household, and a four-year-old boy answered. The conversation went thus:
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

Boy: She’s not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

Boy: My sister.
Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?

Boy: I guess so.
At this point there was a very long silence on the phone. Then:
Boy: Hello?

Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Boy: I did. The trouble is, I can’t get her out of the playpen.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A condom saleswoman

 

 

One morning, a representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention.

 

While hastily rushing through the airport, the saleswoman dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor.

 

She noticed passers by looking at her as she tried to get the condoms back into her briefcase. “It’s okay,” she said. “I’m going to a convention.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shy Guy

 

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

 

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him, and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

 

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Better sleep on it

 

 

Eddy went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

 

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

 

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Eddy.

 

Six months later the doctor met Eddy on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

 

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

 

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The big mouth parrot

 

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn’t be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

 

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

 

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

 

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

 

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.” When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

 

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman’s husband, Keith, came home from work.

 

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Larry!”

[worldangel]

Joke: A really bad day

 

 

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

 

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

 

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I get to work, late. My boss fires me. When I leave the building, I find out my car was stolen.

 

The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there but it’s too late because the cab driver has already driven away.”

 

“I get home, and find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave, and come to this bar. Just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I need vacation

 

 

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I was out of vacation time. I figured the best way to get the boss to send me home was to act a little crazy — he’d think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she’s blonde … it’ll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.

 

“Shh,” I said, “I’m acting crazy to get a few days off. I’m a light bulb.”

A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. “I’m a light bulb!” I exclaimed.

 

“You’re going crazy,” he said. “Take a few days off.”

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker (the blonde) started following me, and the boss asked where she was going.

 

“I can’t work in the dark,” she said.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shopping

 

An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crisssssssco!”

 

Soon a store clerk approaches and says, “Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D.”

The old lady replies, “Oh, I’m not looking for the cooking stuff. I’m calling my husband.”

 

The clerk is astonished. “Your husband’s name is Crisco?”

The old lady answers, “Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we’re out in public.”

 

“I see,” said the clerk. “What do you call him at home?”

“Lard ass.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Daughter’s purse

 

 

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter’s purses.

 

So, the brunette goes through her daughter’s purse and finds cigarettes. She says, “Oh my god, I’m so ashamed! My Daughter smokes.”

 

So, the redhead goes through her daughter’s purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, “Oh my god I’m so ashamed! My daughter drinks.”

 

So, finally, it’s the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, “Oh my goodness I’m so ashamed! My daughter has a penis.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What a good deal?

 

 

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”

“One penny!” exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, “Yes.”

 

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?”

“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”

“How much money?” inquires the guy.

 

“4 cents”, the bartender replies.

“Four cents!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the man who owns this place?”

The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”

The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

 

The bartender replies, “Same thing I’m doing to his business.”

[clementi]

Joke: Sunbathing

 

 

Down in Florida, there’s a little hotel, four floors high. A girl used to take a sunbath there every day. Since there were no higher hotels near it, she would take off her bathing suit and be in the nude.

 

 

So she was in the nude and she was lying on her stomach, and she heard someone coming up the steps. She quickly grabbed the towel and put it around her. The man said, “I wish you wouldn’t sunbathe in the nude up here.”

 

 

She said, “You never protested before.” He said, “No, but I wish you would do it like you did before, in your bathing suit.” She said, “Why do you care? No one can see.”

He said, “Madam, you happen to be lying on the skylight of a dining room.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Pet monkey

 

 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s nursing it the monkey runs wild: he jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” “No, what did that stupid shit do this time?”

 

asks the patron. “Well, he just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table,” says the bartender. “Yeah, well I hope it kills the little shit because he’s been driving me nuts,” replies the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is nursing his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar.

 

He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks. “What now?” responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it,” says the barkeeper. “Well, what did you expect?” replied the patron. “Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

 

Joke: Whales

Two whales were swimming around in the ocean, when a ship appeared. The male suggested to the female that they have some fun and tip the ship over with their blow holes. She was hesitant at first, but finally went along with it. Then, he said,” since that was so much fun, let’s go back and eat the sailors!”

 

To which, she exclaimed, “I went along with you on the blow-job! But, no! You’re not going to get me to eat seamen, too.”

[clementi]

Joke: The drunk prize

 

 

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.

 

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go…

 

Two bulls eyes!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart.

Three bulls eyes!!!

 

All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize… grabs a turtle from the bar’s terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

 

Three weeks pass… The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again.

To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

 

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn’t know what to give, so he asks the drunk, “Say, what did you win the last time?”

 

And the drunk responds, “A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A blonde toaster

 

 

A blonde walks up to a clerk in a store and says, “I would like to buy a toaster.”

“I’m sorry but we don’t sell toasters to blondes.” replies the clerk.

 

Upset, the blonde storms out of the store. She goes home, dies her hair red and goes back to the store.

 

“I would like to buy a toaster,” says the blonde to the same clerk.

“I’m sorry but we don’t sell toasters to blondes.” replies the clerk.

 

Even madder than the last time, the blonde storms out of the store. The next day she dies her hair a chocolate brown and drives to the store. She walks up to the same clerk and says, “I would like to buy a toaster.”

 

“I’ve told you already!” growls the clerk, “We do NOT sell toasters to blondes!”

Quite angry by now, the blonde goes home and dies her hair purple. she drives to the store, walks up to the clerk and says, “I would like to buy a toaster.”

 

“Listen lady, we don’t sell toasters to blondes. Now go home!”

Raging with anger the blonde asks, “Why don’t you sell toasters to blondes?!”

 

“Well, this is the sports section of the store!”

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The telephone salesman

 

 

A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”

 

“Yes, I was a salesman in the country” said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you when we close up.”

 

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”

“One,” said the young salesman.

 

“Only one,” blurted the boss, “Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”

 

“Three hundred thousand dollars,” said the young man.

“How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.

 

“Well,” said the salesman “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.”

 

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”

 

“No,” answered the salesman “He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, ‘Your weekend’s shot, you may as well go fishing.’”

[clementi]

Joke: Dead Rabbit

 

 

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.

 

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

 

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”

The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?”

 

The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Proud father

 

 

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

 

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of “WOW!” were heard.

 

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”

 

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”

 

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long- neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says … “Had him circumcised.”