Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The hypnotist

 

 

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

 

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience.”

 

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

 

“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.” He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch….”

 

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

 

“Crap!” said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I am fine

 

 

Farmer Jeb decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

 

In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’” questioned the lawyer.

 

Farmer Jeb responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Molly into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’”

 

Farmer Jeb said, “Well I had just got Molly into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

 

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

 

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Jeb’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Molly.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Molly, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign, and smacked my truck right in the side.

 

I was thrown into one ditch and Molly was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Molly moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

 

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Molly moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

 

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?

It was then that I said, “I’m fine.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Turkey ball

 

 

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

 

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.”

 

“Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”

[worldangel]

Joke: A girl first time

 

 

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

 

He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.

 

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.

 

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

 

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

 

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

 

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

 

Excuse me, What were you thinkin’? 

[worldangel]

Joke: The stop sign

 

 

There was a man who was always late for work because of the rush hour traffic. On this particular day, he comes up to a stop sign, slows down, and then goes though it.

A cop pulls him over.. “What are you stopping me for?” the man asked.

 

The cop said, ” You did not come to a stop at that stop sign.”

“I did to, I slowed down, and that is the same thing as stopping,” the man retorted.

“No it isn’t and here is a ticket to prove it,” the cop responded.

 

The next day, the same man rolls up to the stop sign, slows down, and then goes through it. Again the same cop pulls him over.

“You just ran that stop sign!” he barked.

 

“I did not,” the man shouted,” I slowed down and that is the same thing as stopping!”

“No it isn’t,” the cop shouted back, “And here is a second ticket to prove it!”

The very next day, same man rolls up to the stop sign, slows down, then goes through it. The same cop pulls him over.

 

“You again, you just ran that stop sign!” he roared.

“I did not!” the man shouted back,” I SLOWED DOWN and that is the same thing as STOPPING!”

“No it isn’t, and here is a third ticket to prove it!”

 

On his way back home from work that night, he rolls up to the stop sign, slows down and then goes through it.

 

The same cop has had it. He grabs the man through the drivers window, and starts hitting him with his billy club.

 

“Now do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?!!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Burning building

 

 

There was a burning building with a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde at the top. The firemen are yelling to the redhead to jump into a blanket and she jumps off the building and right as she was about to safely hit the blanket they moved it and she dies.

 

They yell to the brunette to jump but she says,”No I saw what you did to the redhead”! They shout we don’t like redheads! So the brunette jumps and sure enough they move the blanket and she dies.

 

Then they shout to the blonde to jump off into the blanket. But the blonde says,”no I saw what you did to them”! They shout we don’t like them! The blonde then says, “I don’t trust you guys, put the blanket on the ground and step back!”

[worldangel]

Joke: So in love

 

 

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he’d first had sex.

 

“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Clem recalled.

 

“That sounds wonderful,” said Jed.

“Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”

 

“Oh my goodness!  What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?”

“Baaaaa…”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Relations minded

 

 

A man goes to a psychologist and says, “Doc I got a real problem, I can’t stop thinking about relations.”

The psychologist says, “Well let’s see what we can find out”, and pulls out his ink blots. “What is this a picture of?” he asks.

 

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, “That’s a man and a woman having relations.”

 

The psychologist says, “Very interesting,” and shows the next picture. “And what is this a picture of?”

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, “That’s a man and a woman having relations.”

 

The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, “What is this a picture of?”

 

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, “That’s a man and a woman having relations.”

The psychologist states, “Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations.”

 

“Me!?” demands the patient. “You’re the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Weekend

 

 

A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”

 

“Yes, I was a salesman in the country” said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you when we close up.”

 

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”

 

“One,” said the young salesman.

“Only one,” blurted the boss, “Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”

 

“Three hundred thousand dollars,” said the young man.

“How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.

 

 

“Well,” said the salesman “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.”

 

 

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”

 

“No,” answered the salesman “He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, ‘Your weekend’s shot, you may as well go fishing.’”

[clementi]

Joke: The farm

 

 

Two salesmen were traveling through northern Wisconsin one Feb. and it started to snow. Harder and harder till they came to a complete stop. One said “Hey there is a light on the hill. Must be a farm house, lets get up there and see if we can sleep in the barn rather than this cold car.”

 

After the widow lady answered the door bell and they explained their problem she said “Well gentlemen, you don’t have to sleep in the barn. I am a widow and I have three bedrooms here. Please come in and I will make some warm dinner for you.” They did and then watched some TV and all went to bed. The next morning the roads had been cleared and they thanked the widow and left.

 

About 9 months later one salesman got a registered letter from the law offices of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe in Madison Wisconsin. After he read the letter he immediately called his associate and said, “Hey Jim, do you remember when we got stuck in the snow last winter in Wisconsin?”

 

Sure replied Jim. “Well, tell me something, did you by any chance sneak into the widows bedroom that night?” “Well!” replied the salesman, “as a matter of fact I did. But why do you ask?”"Tell me something else, first,” he replied “did you by any chance use my name?” “Well,” said the salesman, “as a matter of fact I did. After all you are single and always sleeping around and I’m married and can’t so I figured it was safer that way.

 

Why? what happened? Why are you asking these questions?”

“Well” the first salesman said, “It seems she died and left me the farm!”

[clementi]

Joke: Rubber ducky

 

One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysitter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.

 

So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said “I’m going to take a shower and the little girl said “Oh, can I take a shower with you?” and the babysiter said ” Uh, O.K. Just don’t look down.”

 

When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said “What’s that?”

 

The guy said “Um, it’s a ruber ducky” and the girl says “O.K.”

Then the babysiter said “I’m tired I’m going to go to sleep.” and the girl says “Can I go to sleep with you?” and the guy says “Um, O.K. Just don’t look under the covers.”

 

So when they’re in the bed there’s a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says “Can I play with your rubber ducky because I’m scared” and the guy says ” Uh, O.K.” and he falls asleep.

 

The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl “What Happened” and the little girl says”The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it’s head off.”

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Over the rainbow

 

A teacher told her class to go home and the first 5 words
they heard they were to say in school the next day.

One boy went home and as soon as he walked into the kitchen he heard his mother say: “SHUT UP!!!!”

So he wrote down”shut up” on a piece of paper. He went into the living room to find his dad watching a movie, and it said:“Yea Baby!”

So he wrote that down on his paper.
He was going through the dining room to go to his sisters room, when he heard a Batman episode on. The theme song was on, and it said: “Da-na-na-na Batman!!”

So he wrote that down too. When he got to his sisters room, she was practicing for the school play. He came in when she sang: “Over the rainbow!!!”
When he wrote that down he shouted “Yes, I’m done my homework!”

When he went to school the next day the teacher asked him to say his words first. He stood up and said:“Shut up!”

The teacher was furious and said “Excuse me? Do you want to go to the Principal’s office young man?” The boy replied, “Yea baby.” So the teacher sent him to the office right away.

Still saying his words the principal asked him “Who do you think you are telling a teacher to shut up?” The boy answered,“Da-na-na-na Batman!!”

“Oh really?” said the principal “Where do you think you’re going now?” the boy answered the simple question with a simple answer, “Over the rainbow!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Vulgar joke

 

 

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty joke, Two of the female students in the class decided to walk out on next the next joke.

 

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of hookers in Los Vegas?”

 

With that, the two female students stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor. “The bus doesn’t leave until tomorrow!” 

[worldangel]

Joke: What coincidence?

 

 

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could by him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.

 

The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”. “I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”

 

“Of course,” replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin,” comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it says the first man.

 

“I’m from Dublin too Let’s have another drink to Dublin!” the men both continue drinking.

 

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”

“St. Mary’s,” replied the second man. “i graduated in ’62.”

 

“This is unbelievable, “the first man says. “I went to St. Mary’s and i graduated in ’62, too!”

 

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

“What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.

 

“Nothing much” replies the bartender. “the O’Mally twins are drunk again.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunken stories

 

 

Three guys compare their stories of how drunk they were the night before. The first guy says, “I was so drunk, I went home and beat my wife”

 

The second guy says, “That is nothing, I went home, knocked over a candle, and burned my house down”

 

The third guys says, “Now THAT is nothing. I went home and blew chunks”

 

The other two guys say, “So what? That isn’t bad at all”

 

The third guy responds, “I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog”

[worldangel]

Joke: Drinking partners

 

 

A cowgirl walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

 

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time”

 

The cowgirl replies, “Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself. The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

 

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

 

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss”

 

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine, she explains, “It’s just that my husband and I joined the church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my sisters, though”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The highway patrolman

 

 

A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over. When he asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to do a show that night for a birthday party and didn’t want to be late.

 

The Officer told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

 

The driver told the Officer that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The Officer told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

 

The juggler stated that he could, so the Officer got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

 

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

 

The Officer observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

 

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there’s no way in hell I can pass that test.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Mighty mouse

 

 

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

 

 

The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”

 

 

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, “Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”

 

 

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this mess. I gotta go home and scare the cat.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who wants to go to heaven?

 

 

A preacher goes into a bar and says “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”

 

Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.

The preacher says “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?”

 

The drunk says “When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mistaken identity

 

 

A man went into a bar. The bartender said to the guy, “What can I get you?”

“Make it a whisky,” said the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.

“That will be three dollars,” said the bartender.

 

 

“Says you!” said the man. “You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying.”

 

“Get out,” said the bartender. “You’re banned. I don’t need your business.”

Anyway, two years later, the same man went back to the same bar with the same bartender.

 

 

The bartender looked at him and said, “You’re the jerk who tried to con a drink out of me, aren’t you?”

 

 

“Excuse me, but I have no idea what you are talking about,” said the customer. “I’ve never been to this bar before in my life!”

 

 

“Sorry. My mistake,” said the bartender. “You must have a double.”

“Hey thanks, dude!” said the customer. “Make it a whisky.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawn needs mowing

 

 

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

 

He asked one man “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food, the poor man replied “We have to eat grass”

 

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you”, the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree”

 

“Bring them along”, the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us also”

 

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me! “Bring them all, as well”, the lawyer answered.

 

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you”

 

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place – the grass is almost a foot high!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Free tattoo

 

 

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says “I’ll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it”

 

The guy thinks for a second and says: “Well done, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a 100”

[worldangel]

Joke: No, officer

 

 

A man is driving with his wife, when he is pulled over by a policeman.

“Sir,” says the cop. “You were going 60 in a 50 miles per hr speed zone.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

 

 

“Yes, you were,” says the wife.

“Keep quiet!” says the man, angrily.

 

 

“And you weren’t wearing a seatbelt,” says the cop.

“Yes I was.”

 

 

“No, you weren’t,” says the wife.

 

“SHUT UP!” says the man, really angry.

 

 

“Ma’am,” asks the cop, “is he always this rude and violent?”

 

“Only when he’s DRUNK.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Work vs Prison

 

In prison: you spend your time in an 8×10 cell.
At work: you spend your time in an even smaller cubicle.

 

In prison: you get 3 meals a day.
At work: you get a break for 1 meal and have to pay for it.

 

In prison: you get time off for good behavior.
At work: you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

 

In prison: there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic.
At work: we call them owners, bosses, managers, etc.

 

In prison: you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

At work: there are many programs you can never get out of.

 

In prison: all costs are paid by taxpayers, with no effort on your part required.
At work: you get to pay all expenses to get to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners..

 

In prison: you spend most of your time looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What is the baby’s name?

 

A young woman asked her mom one day, “how do I keep guys off me?” and her mom replied “ask him what the baby’s name will be”.

 

So the next day she goes to a party and asks guys who are hitting on her, “what will the baby’s name be?” This gets rid of them in a hurry.

 

Then one guy dances with her and she asks, “what will the baby’s name be?” So he takes her upstairs and when they’re done she asks again, “what will the baby’s name be?”

 

He then removes his condom, ties it at the top and says, “if the baby gets out of this, call him Houdini”

 

[clementi]

Joke: The whale lesson

 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

 

The little girl stated that Jonah in the Bible was swallowed by a whale.

 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven I will ask Jonah.”

 

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: BJ

 

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, ‘Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’

 

Little Johnny waves his hand, ‘Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!’

Miss Rogers:’All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?’

 

Little Johnny says, ‘Mas-tur-bate.’

Miss Rogers smiles and says, ‘Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.’

 

Little Johnny says, ‘No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob”. 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Mother-in-law dies

 

A man and his mother-in-law went to Jerusalem and while they were there the mother-in-law passes away.

 

The priest says to the man, “for $150 we can bury your mother-in-law here or for $5000 we can ship her back home to be buried.

 

The man replies, “oh I will definitely have her shipped back home because if I remember correctly awhile back a man was buried here and after 3 days he came back to life”.

 

[clementi]

Joke: “X” marks for the spot

 

 

Sven was looking for a job and heard that there was an opening for a janitor at the local church. He applied for the job and the interview went very well.

 

“You have the job,” he was told, “just sign this paper.”

Sven made a big “X” on the paper.

 

“What’s that?” he was asked.

“That’s my mark.”

 

“You’re supposed to sign your name.”

“That’s my mark,” Sven replied, “I cannot read or write.”

 

“What? We’re sorry but you can’t work here. You have to be able to sign your name.”

Well, Sven finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat.

 

He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.

 

One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity.

 

The mayor says, “Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form.”

Sven made a big “X” on the paper.

“What’s that?” he was asked.

 

“That’s my mark.”

“Your mark?” The mayor asked.

“Aih, I cannot read or write, so that’s my mark.”

 

“You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?” The mayor xclaimed. “Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!”

“Yes,” Sven said. “I could have been a church janitor.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The little old lady and the banker

 

 

A little old lady went into The Bank of America one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted on speaking with the president of the bank. Because she was a little old lady and it was such a lot of money. They were finally able to get her in to the president’s office.

 

He asked her how much she would like to deposit. She said she had $165,000 and then she dumped the money out onto his desk. The president, surprised, was curious to know how she came by so much cash.

 

“I make bets.” she replied.

The president asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”

 

“Well,” said the little old lady, “for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet, you can never win with that kind of bet!”

The old lady quickly responded, “So, would you like to take my bet?” ”

 

Sure” said the president,

“I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls aren’t square”

The little old lady said, “Okay, but since there’s a lot of money involved, is it okay with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am to witness?”

 

“Absolutely!” said the president.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet, and spent a long time in front of the mirror checking his balls; turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure there was no way his balls were square.

 

Next morning, at 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet.

 

The president agreed to the bet again, and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could see. The president did so. The old lady looked closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

 

“Well… okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Then he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

 

“What’s wrong with your lawyer?” he asked.

The little old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10 am today I’d have the Bank of America’s President’s balls in my hands.”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Corporate Lingo

 

 

COMPETITIVE SALARY”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

 

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM”
We have no time to train you.

 

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

 

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

 

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

 

“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

 

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.

 

“CAREER-MINDED”
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

 

“APPLY IN PERSON”

If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

 

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

 

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

 

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

 

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

 

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Corporate lesson

 

 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on”.

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

 

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower ‘ “Who was that?”

It was Bob the next door neighbour, she replies. “Great, the husband says, “did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?”

 

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in advance with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s for dinner?

 

 

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn’t tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, “What’s for dinner dad?”

 

“You’ll see, he replies. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.

 

“Ok”, says her dad, “Here’s a hint. It’s what your mother sometimes calls me.

“His daughter screams: “Don’t eat it, Jimmy! It’s a fucking asshole!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Proper attire

 

A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer won’t let him in the guy asks, “‘Why not?”

“Because you’re not wearing a tie,” says the bouncer.

 

“But I have come all the way from the other end of town,” says the guy.

“Sorry mate, that’s the rules,” says the bouncer.

 

So the guy goes back to his car to try and see if he can find a tie or something like one. He finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around himself, and goes back to the club.

 

“Is this all right?” he asks the bouncer.

“Well, all right then,” replies the bouncer. “But I’ll be watching you – don’t start anything!”

[worldangel]

Joke: A thief and his lawyer

 

 

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

 

“Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.”

“Why ?” asked the judge. “He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?”

 

“Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he took the car I stole.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The hooker

 

 

As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom says to his bride, “Honey, I have a confession to make. I’m a golf addict. I play whenever I have a minute. I can’t get enough of it. you’ll probably never see me on the weekends.”

 

His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, “Honey I have a confession also…I’m a hooker.”

 

“No problem.” Replied the groom, “Just keep your left arm straight and keep that head down. You’ll be hitting them straight in no time.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The good sport

 

 

John receives a phone call. “Hello,” he answers.

The voice on the other end says, “This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.”

John: “Hmm… Susan? About 3 months ago?”

 

Susan: “Yes, it was at Bill’s house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.”

 

John: “Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?”

Susan: “I’m pregnant and I’m going to kill myself.”

 

John: “Say, you ARE a good sport.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the agriculture show

 

 

This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

 

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”

 

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month!”

The second bull is to be sold, “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

 

Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?” Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

 

The third bull is up for sale, “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about you?”

 

The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, “Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost pen

 

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

 

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, “Well that’s great. Some asshole’s got my pen”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Photo of another man

 

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. Is this your husband?” he nervously asks.

 

“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend, then?” he continues.

 

“No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.

“Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

 

“No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!” she answers.

“Well, who in the hell is he, then?” he demands.

 

She whispers in his ear “That’s me before the surgery.”

[clementi]

Joke: Jewelery store

 

A guy walks into a jewelry store with this hot blonde. He says to the jeweler, I want to see your finest piece. The jeweler brings out this $1,000 bracelet. The guy says, “I don’t think you understand, I want to see your finest piece of jewelry.” The jeweler says okay, and brings back this beautiful $5,000 necklace.

 

The man irritated at this point, repeats his request. “I want to see your FINEST piece of jewelry you have in this damn place.” The jeweler goes back to the safe, brings out this exquisite $10,000 diamond ring.

 

 

The man writes to jeweler a check and says, “Now, I know what you are going to think, that the check is bad. That’s why I’m going to leave the check, and the ring with you. Come Monday morning when the check clears, I’ll be in to get the ring.” The jeweler is ecstatic and says absolutely and thanks the man for his business.

 

 

Come Monday, the jeweler calls the man and says furiously, “What the hell, the cheque didn’t clear, you didn’t have any money for that ring!” The man replies, “I know, but I had one hell of a weekend!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Horse tears

 

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”

 

The fellow replies, “Well I’ve got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well… I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”

 

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do. “Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”

 

The man stops crying and says, “That sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. “What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.

 

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “Why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.

 

A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. “I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!”

 

The bartenter, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “For crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!” The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

 

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. “It worked, it worked!” he exclaims. “I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”

[clementi]

Joke: The stop sign

 

There was a man who was always late for work because of the rush hour traffic. On this particular day, he comes up to a stop sign, slows down, and then goes though it.

 

A cop pulls him over.. “What are you stopping me for?” the man asked.

The cop said, ” You did not come to a stop at that stop sign.”

“I did to, I slowed down, and that is the same thing as stopping,” the man retorted.

 

“No it isn’t and here is a ticket to prove it,” the cop responded.

The next day, the same man rolls up to the stop sign, slows down, and then goes through it. Again the same cop pulls him over.

 

“You just ran that stop sign!” he barked.

“I did not,” the man shouted,” I slowed down and that is the same thing as stopping!”

 

“No it isn’t,” the cop shouted back, “And here is a second ticket to prove it!”

The very next day, same man rolls up to the stop sign, slows down, then goes through it. The same cop pulls him over.

“You again, you just ran that stop sign!” he roared.

 

“I did not!” the man shouted back,” I SLOWED DOWN and that is the same thing as STOPPING!”

“No it isn’t, and here is a third ticket to prove it!”

 

On his way back home from work that night, he rolls up to the stop sign, slows down and then goes through it.

 

The same cop has had it. He grabs the man through the drivers window, and starts hitting him with his billy club.

 

“Now do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?!!”

[clementi]

Joke: Headache

 

There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

 

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said “You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles.”

 

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying “ALL SUITS HALF PRICE”

Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says “Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant.”

 

“Wow! How did you know that?” said the man.

“Why Sir I’ve been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?”

“Sure” says the man. “Okay I’d say that you’re a size 10 wide.”

 

“Ok, now you’re freaking me out…Thats a great talent” says the man.

“Thanks” replied the shopkeeper, “Now how about some undergarments?”

“Ok see if you can guess my size”, said the man.

 

“Easy 36″ said the shopkeeper.

“Nope 34″ replied the man.

 

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed “Impossible a size 34 would skew ish your testicles against your spine and you’ve get a headache”.

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Hazel

 

Hazel was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl.
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.

 

Thinking that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

 

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called
her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

 

The doctor told her, “Your heart would be just below your left breast.”

Later that night Hazel was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Have a drink

 

 

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.

 

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

 

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

 

“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.

 

“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the attorney.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Daddy’s math

 

 

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.”

 

“Good. What comes after three.”

“Four,” answers the boy.

 

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

 

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?”

“A jack,” says the kid.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Talcum Powder

 

 

Man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

 

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

 

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3:AM and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?”

 

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. “Where the hell have you been?!?!”

 

“Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine.

 

I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”’

She sees his hands are covered with powder and…

“You liar!!! You went bowling again!!!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The plane ride

 

 

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

 

The photographer arrived at the airstrip an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.

 

He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

 

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, and make several low-level passes.”

“Why?” asked the nervous pilot.

 

“Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”

After a long pause the “pilot” replied, “You mean, you’re not my instructor?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Better sleep on it

 

 

There were three men stranded on an island and they found a lamp, so they rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie told them they all had one wish.

 

The first man wished, “I wish I was smartest man on earth”, poof, the wish was granted.

The second man wished, “I wish I was smarter than the first guy”, poof, his wish was granted.

 

It was the third guy’s turn and he wished, “I wish I was smarter than both of them put together”, poof, he turned into a woman!