Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Heavenly Confession

 

 

There were 2 women, Linda, and Angie standing at the Pearly Gates of heaven, exchanging stories on how they died.

 

Linda said that she had a heart attack. Angie said that she froze to death.

Angie asked, “How did you manage to have a heart attack?”

 

Linda said, ” Well it’s a long story, but here is the short version. I suspected my husband was cheating on me so I went home to catch him in the act. When i got home, he was sitting on the couch by himself.”

 

“I ran upstairs to check all the closets and under the beds and everything. I looked everywhere! I didn’t see anyone upstairs, so I went downstairs and checked all the closets, and cabinets and I didn’t see anybody.”

 

“After all that running around and excitement, I guess my heart just gave out.”

Angie said: Well, if you would have looked in the freezer first, we would both still be alive!!!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The cab driver

 

 

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

 

“Mommy,” said the little boy, “what are all those ladies doing?”

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off of work,” she replied.

 

The cabbie turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They are hookers. They have sex with men for money.”

 

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, mommy?” His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

 

After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?”

 

“They mostly become cab drivers,” she replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: The blonde deputy

 

 

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

“Okay, honey,” the sheriff drawled, “What is 1 and 1?”

“Eleven,” she replied.

 

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but she’s right.” Then the sheriff asked, “What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”.

“Today and Tomorrow,” she replied.

 

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. “Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?”, asked the sheriff.

 

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”

 

The sheriff replied, “Well, why don’t you go on and work on that one for a while?”

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her buds were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

 

The blonde was overjoyed. “It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”

[worldangel]

Joke: The cruise

 

 

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.

The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.

 

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise.

The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine’s and three condoms.

 

Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise.

The guy said, “I’ll take it,” and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine’s and two more condoms.

 

The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise.

 

The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

 

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, “Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bar

 

A bar in downtown providence had seen a lot of DUI’s lately. Therefore a cop decided to scope it out during closing time.

 

Right around when it was time to close the cop sees a guy come out of the bar stumbling left, then right. He tripped over the curb, dropped his keys and crawled to his car. After getting into his car he fumbled his keys around and finally got the car to the point of ignition.

 

As soon as he pulled out of the parking lot the cop pulled him over. He gave him field sobriety tests, in which he passed them all. Puzzled, the cop gives him a breathalyzer with a 0.0 reading. The cop says what gives to the driver.

 

His reply, I am the DD, designated decoy.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Women

 

Three women were talking about their love lives.

 

The first said, “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.”

 

The second said, “Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful.”

 

The third said, “Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding date

 

 

The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals- a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist- were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

 

The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed.

The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.

 

The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would be memorable.

 

The wedding and reception went as planned.

 

A few days later, each of the groom’s three friends received a letter saying the following: “Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback but I swear to Almighty, I am going to kill the mother fucker that put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Construction worker

 

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed, “Stop, stop! you’re not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?”

 

“Nope,” replied the construction worker, “You are…I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The edge of the lake

 

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up.

 

The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I”ll give you a hundred dollars.”

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred?”

 

The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”

 

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The scientist and the Frog

 

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with four feet, jumps four feet.”
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frog’s legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, “Frog with three feet, jumps three feet.”

So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook “Frog with two feet, jumps two feet.”

The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with one foot, jumps one foot.”

So the scientist cut off his last leg.
“He said, “Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!”

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with no feet, goes deaf.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Orders a drink

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.

 

 

He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, ”I spat in this beer, do not drink”.

 

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, ”So did I”

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk standing

 

There’s this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, “What do you think you’re doing?”

 

The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now there goes my neighbour”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two guys

 

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.

 

They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two campers

 

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

 

“I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

 

“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

 

The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car pooling

 

So, these two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex in someone’s front lawn.

 

“Look”, he shouts, “What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?”

 

The passenger, being a man of the world, replies, “They are having sex. Don’t tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?”

 

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says, “You have to try it. It’s pretty cool. Here’s what you do.

 

Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position.” The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.

 

So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks, “Well. How did it go?”

 

To which the driver replies, “It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fall-down drunk

 

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”
“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Orders a drink

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

 

After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying,”I spat in this beer, do not drink”.

 

 After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, ”So did I”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunkenness

 

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

 

“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

 

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”

 

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two hunters

 

 

Two hunters are out in the woods and all of sudden one of them collapses. And he looks like he’s not breathing and his friend think he’s dead.

So he pulls out his cell phone and he calls emergency services and he says to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

And the operator says: “OK, calm down, calm down. I can help you. Um, now first, just make sure he’s dead”

And then there’s a silence on the phone. And then there’s a shot. Bang!
And then the guy says: “OK, what next”.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pet parrot

 

 

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, “He has a card up his sleeve” or  “He has a dove in his pocket”

 

One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other.

 

Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 50 Years

 

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, ‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.’

 

‘I know,’ the old man said. ‘We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.’

‘Well,’ Granny snickered. ‘Let’s relieve some old times.’

 

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady breathlessly replied, ‘My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.’

 

‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps. ‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Get it straight

 

A cop pulls over a drunk driver.

 

The drunk driver says, “Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: While the cat’s away

 

 

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful…. Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds terrific… Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh” she replies, “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Several years ago

 

 

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

 

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don’t sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K.

 

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane’s arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,

 

“Hi, Dad! I’ve got some good news!” As I waved back, I said loudly, “What is the good news?”

 

“The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!” Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Worst age

 

 

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”

 

“Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

 

“Actually,” said the 80-year -old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing, too?” asked the 60-year old.

 

“No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”

 

“So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”

“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”

 

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, “You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”

 

“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”

[clementi]

Joke: Speeding car

 

 

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver’s window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

 

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!” at the top of his lungs. “No!” the blonde yelled back, “Scarf!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Alligator

 

 

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says “Hold on a second here – you can’t bring that animal in here, they aren’t allowed!” So the man says, “But my gator here does a really cool trick…”

 

The bartender says “Well then, let’s see!” So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.’

 

He looks around at the crowd and says, “Does anyone else want to try?” An old lady raises her hand and says…”Sure, but don’t hit me with that stick.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Business trip

 

 

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.

 

Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.”

 

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

 

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.

[clementi]

Joke: 911

 

 

A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.

The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, “I’m on Sycamore Drive”
“How do you spell that?” the operator asked.

“S-i-c-k the man began. “No, s-i-c-¦.. no, s-i-k-. oh heck, let me drag him over to Lake street and I’ll call you back.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Kids

 

 

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are having lunch and discussing their kids.

 

 

The brunette says, “I can’t believe it. I went into my daughter’s purse and found a pack of cigarettes, I didn’t know my daughter smoked!

 

 

The redhead jumps in and says, “You think that’s bad”¦. I went into my daughter’s purse and found a small bottle of Vodka, I didn’t know my daughter drank!!

 

 

The blonde then turns to them and says, “you think that’s bad, I went into my daughters purse and found a pack of condoms, I didn’t know my daughter had a PENIS!!!!!!

[clementi]

Joke: Daddy

 

 

Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

 

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

“¦Brief Pause.

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

 

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened honey?” he asked.

 

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

 

“Oh my goodness !!!  What about your Uncle Paul?”

 

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

 

…¦Long Pause

…¦Longer Pause

…¦Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731?”

[clementi]

Joke: Cell phone rang

 

 

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.

 

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

 

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

 

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about his wife’s condition.

 

The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require ’round the clock care. And you’ll be her care giver!”

 

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

 

The doctor started to snicker and said, “Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What’d you shoot?”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Basic Training

 

 

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant’s office and said ” Lieutenant, we don’t have enough rifles. What am I going to use for the war?”

 

“I don’t have time to deal with this right now” the lieutenant thought.

He grabbed a broom, sawed off the bottom, and handed it to the solder. “Here use this instead.”

“How is this going to work?”

 

“When you see the bad guys coming at you, just point it at them and say ‘Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang’”.

 

So the private ran out with his new “rifle”. But soon he came running back to the Lieutenant saying “Lieutenant, we don’t have enough bayonets!”

 

The Lieutenant grabbed a piece of string off of his desk and gave it the private. “When you see the bad guys coming just throw this at them and say ‘Stabity Stab Stab, Stab Stab.’”

 

So the private was all ready for his war. He was sitting in a fox hole, hating being out there, when he saw an enemy creeping along the top of a nearby hill.

 

He grabbed his broom, pointed it at the bad guy and said “Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang” and he fell down dead.

 

“Wow this really works” thought the private. He started going through the underbrush when another enemy jumped out and try to gut him – he threw his string at him and said, ‘Stabbity Stab Stab, Stab Stab!’. The enemy fell down, dead.

 

Pretty soon, he saw another guy rampaging through the woods. He pointed his broomstick at him and yelled, ‘Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang!’ Nothing, so he did it again, ‘Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang!’ The guy was running at him now. He threw the string, Stabbit Stab Stab StabStab!’ The enemy kept running at him and plowed him over, mortally wounding him.

 

Then he heard the big guy mumbling as he went past him “Tankity Tank Tank Tank Tank Tankity Tank Tank Tank Tank.”

[clementi]

Joke: Old Vermont farmer

 

An old Vermont farmer decided to take is new wife into town, he told her to get dolled up, we’re going out they loaded up for the ride and off they went then the mule buckled, the farmer said, “that’s once”

After a while the mule buckled again, the farmer said, “that’s twice”.
They continued on to town, the mule once again buckled, so the old farmer pulled out his trusty .357 and shot the mule dead.

The wife said, “why did you do that?” The farmer said, “That’s once”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Taxi

 

 

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

 

Passenger: “Who?”

 

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.

 

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

 

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

 

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

 

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.

 

Cabbie: “There’s more.. He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

 

Passenger. “Wow, some guy then.”

 

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too – he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

 

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

 

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his fucking widow.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Set it free

 

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

 

If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.

 

But… if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn’t appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

[worldangel]

Joke: Grumpy old man

 

A grumpy old man walks into a local Church and says to the secretary, “I wanna join this damn church.”

 

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

 

“Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!”

 

“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.” The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

 

“There IS no damn problem!,” the man says. “Look here, I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

 

“I see,” said the pastor. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The aging explorer

 

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, “Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself.”

The reporter said, “Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same.”

The old explorer said, “No, not then — just now when I went ””ROARRRR!”””

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A flaky blonde

 

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

 

”It’s supposed to be a tiger!” Sally cried.

 

”Honey,” said Dan, “Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Strip club

 

 

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin?”

 

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team”

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

 

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

 

“She’s in the Ladies’s Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them”

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

 

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Parachuting

 

 

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.

 

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

 

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

 

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hair dresser

 

 

A blonde went to a hair dresser’s one day, listening to a walkman.

 

 

The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, “I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off.”

 

 

The woman looked at the funny blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde’s hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor.

 

 

The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard…”breath in…breath out…breath in…breath out…”!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Seeing eye-dog

 

 

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

 

The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!”

The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

 

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.”

 

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”

 

The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs.”

 

The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tavern

 

 

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

 

 After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

 

The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Plastic surgery

 

 

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.”

 

The lady asks, “How do I do it without surgery?”

“Just rub toilet paper between them.”

 

Startled the lady asks, “How does that make them bigger?”

“I don’t know, but it worked for your ass.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: HMO in heaven

 

 

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. The Heaven asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to the Heaven that he helped people save or regain their sight. The Heaven says, ”Welcome to heaven, my son.”

The Heaven then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. ”I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,” the doctor replies. ”Welcome to heaven, my son,” the Heaven says.

 

The Heaven then turns to the HMO executive. The Heaven asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. ”Welcome to heaven, my son,” says the Heaven, ”but you have to leave in two days.” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Karate chop

 

 

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back.

 

The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ”That was a karate chop from Korea.”

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer.

About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate chopped the little guy in the back again.

 

The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,”That was a karate chop from China.”
The little guy got up and decided he wasn’t going to take any more of this, so he left the bar.

 

About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he’s on the floor.

 

The little guy tells the bartender, ”Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Read in a magazine

 

A guy read in a magazine that you can have longer sex by masturbating beforehand. He decides to test it out the same evening after work!

 

His only problem: where should he do it?
In the toilets? To many people!
Behind his desk? To risky!

In the park down the street? To many playing children!

On his way home he thinks he has the ideal solution: stop at a parking area next to the road, go underneath the car and act like you are inspecting the underneath.

 

The guy pulls over at a parking spot, gets underneath his car, closes his eyes, pulls his pants down and starts frantically masturbating while thinking of his girlfriend.

 

Just before he’s about to reach his highlight, he feels someone pulling on his trouser leg. To keep his rythm, so close before ejaculation, he decides to keep his eyes closed and to continue…….

 

Again, someone pulls on his trousers leg. Still, with his eyes closed he asked: “Who’s there?”

“Police”, the person answered “and what are we doing here sir?”

 

“I am inspecting my rear axle, I think it’s broken” he replied in a bit of a panic.

“Ahh right” the police man replied whilst laughing. While you’re busy doing that, check your handbrake too, because your car is 40 feet further up the road against a lamp post

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Management course

 

 

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. “If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?”

 

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

 

With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The brunette and the Genie

 

 

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it, and you guessed it, a genie appears.

 

The genie says, “You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much.”

 

The woman says, “Okay. Give me a nice house.”

The genie replies, “You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two.”

 

Then the lady says, “Give me a gorgeous man.”

The genie replies, “You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two.”

 

The lady says, “For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it.”