Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde

 

 

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible.

 

 

The brunette knows that she’s speeding so she asks the blonde if there’s a cop behind them.

 

 

The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette.

 

The brunette then asks if his he’s got his lights on.

 

The blonde replies “Yes…No…Yes…No…Yes…No”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Aviation joke

 

 

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!”

 

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

 

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

 

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.

 

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Proposed marriage

 

 

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously.

 

The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

 

“Look,” she said. “We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other.”

 

“You’re wrong,” the young man declared. “For the past 5 years I’ve been working in the bank where your father has his account.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ears bandaged

 

 

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.

When his boss asked him what happened, he explained: “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”

 

“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what about the other?” “They called back!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind man

 

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.

 

All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

 

 

The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing?!!”

 

The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Business

 

 

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion.

 

But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said “Rest in Peace”

The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain.

 

 

After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, Congratulations on your new location”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tailor made suit

 

 

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

 

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”

 

The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”

To this the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

[clementi]

Joke: At pearly gates

 

 

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

 

 

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joey Shasta, retired pilot, of Pittsburg, PA.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

 

 

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

 

Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

 

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

 

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: The farmer’s daughters

 

 

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.

 

This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, “Hi, my name’s Joe, I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

 

 

The next lad arrived and said, “My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?” Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

 

 

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, “Hi, my name’s Chuck –” and the farmer shot him.

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The bat bet

 

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.
The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.

 

The first bat said, “See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people.” The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask how many people’s blood had he drunk. The bat said, “See that castle over there. I drank the blood of five people.”

 

The third bat goes out on his night and comes back covered in blood. This was totally amazing to the other two bats. They ask how much blood he drank. The 3rd bat said, “See that castle over there?” and the other bats nod. “Well,” says the third bat, “I didn’t.” 

[clementi]

Joke: His and her diaries

 

 

HER DIARY

 

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

 

Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you too.”

 

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried.

I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

 

HIS DIARY

 

Today the Giants lost, but at least I got laid.

[clementi]

Joke: Patient

 

A patient was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service.

 

It said:

YOU WANKER — GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!! 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother of Six

 

 

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

 

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

 

He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?”

 

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion shouts back…

 

“Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Horns

 

 

Mister, why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” asked the young lady from a nearby city.

 

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ‘em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Militant feminist

 

 

A passenger plane is about to crash – the pilot announces there’s no hope. A militant feminist stands up and says, “If I’m going to die I want to die happy.”

 

She takes all her clothes off and shouts, “Is there any man here who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

 

A guy stands up and takes his shirt off and says “Yeah — iron that.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Newly wedded couple

 

 

There was these newly weds that were both virgins and nervous about the wedding night.

 

Finally when it came the wife took off all of her clothes and went under the covers while her husband took off his clothes one by one.

 

First he took off his socks and his toes were messed up. His wife says “what happened to your toes?” He says “I had toelio”.

 

She says “you mean Polio”, but he said, “no, toelio”. Then he takes off his pants and the wife sees that his knees are all banged up and weird.

 

The wife says “what happened to your knees?” He says “I had Kneaseles”. And she says “you mean Measles” and he says “no, Kneaseles”.

 

Finally he took off his underwear and she says “Let me guess…small cox?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Positive outlook

 

 

How to start your day with a positive outlook

 

Open a new file in your PC.

 

Name it as “Boss”.

 

Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

 

Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

 

Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?”

 

Answer calmly, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly….

 

Feel better? Have A Nice Day.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: IT Personnel

 

 

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer.

 

The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

 

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels’ rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

 

Hardware tech: “Let’s try and fix it. I’ll crawl under the car and take a look. ”

 

Systems analyst: “No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes.”

 

Programmer: “Why don’t we just get back in and see if it happens again?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Library

 

 

“What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked.

“Nine A.M.” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?”

“Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice.

“No, not till nine A.M.!” the librarian said. “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?”

“Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Handicapped Horse

 

 

The trainers last minute instructions to a jockey were to shout “Up and Over” at each jump.

The jockey considered this stupid and ignored these instructions.

 

 

The horse clumsily tripped over the first two hurdles and then the jockey shouted “Up and Over” at each jump. So… won the race.

 

The trainer asked him, “What happened in the first two jumps? You ignored my instructions didn’t you?”

The jockey replied, “No, the horse must be deaf.”

 

 

“No way!!!” the trainer insisted. “Blind, yes….but not deaf…”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband’s drinking

 

 

A lady’s sick of her husband’s drinking, so she decides to teach him a lesson.

 

She dresses up like Satan, and when her husband walks in from being out all night, she jumps out from behind the sofa and screams.

 

He says, “You don’t scare me. I’m married to your sister.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stops a blonde

 

 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

 

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Vacation

 

 

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

 

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

 

The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

 

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.

 

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bar joke

 

 

This bartender is in a fun bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, “May I please speak to your manager?”

 

He says, “Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?” She replies, “I don’t know if your the man to talk to…its kind of personal…” Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, “I’m pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.”

 

She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth…and he begins sucking them, thinking “I’m in!!!”

 

She goes, “Can you give the manager something for me?” The bartender nods…yes. “Tell him there’s no toilet paper in the ladies restroom.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Snake and a Rabbit

 

 

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

 

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

 

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!”

 

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, “Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pet monkey

 

 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

 

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

 

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

 

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” “Now what?” asks the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

 

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The famous camel

 

 

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”

 

The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel.” The Captain said “Well, if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me.”

 

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!”

 

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain’s quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

 

The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What the difference woman says after sex

 

Hooker: “Well sweetheart, did you get your money’s worth?”

 

Mistress: “Darling, did you enjoy that as much as I did?”

 

Wife: “Beige, beige…I think I’ll paint the ceiling Beige.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t look at the light

 

 

Customer: “My mouse doesn’t work any more.”

Tech Support: “Is it an optical or ball mouse?”

 

Customer: “Huh?”

Tech Support: “Does it have a ball or light?”

 

Customer: “It has an light on top.”

Tech Support: “On top?”

 

Customer: “Yeah. It was underneath before, but it looks better when it’s on top.”

Tech Support: “Ok, try turning it around so the light points down on the desk.”

 

Customer: “Oh! It works!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly woman

 

 

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills”

 

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

 

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued: “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

 

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fitness thoughts

 

 

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now & we don’t know where the hell she is!

 

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

 

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I don’t exercise at all. If ‘Heaven’ meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

 

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

 

I don’t jog… it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor’s office

 

 

There were women waiting in a doctor’s office.

 

They started talking and one women said, “I’m going to have a girl because I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this time so I’m going to have another girl.”

 

One of the other ladies said, “I’m going to have a boy, I was on the top.”

 

The last lady started to cry.

 

The two other ladies asked, “Why are you crying?”

 

She replied, “I’m going to have puppies!!!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Good advice

 

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The Heaven will provide

 

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. “No, thank you,” Mrs. Watkins replied. “The Lord will provide.”

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. “Don’t trouble yourself,” she told him. “The Lord will provide.”

 

 

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, “The Lord will provide.” So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

 

 

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to the Lord. “What happened?” she cried.

 

 

“For cryin’ out loud, lady,” the Lord said, “I sent three boats.” 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Mars & Venus

 

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do”.

 

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

 

I said, “WHAT??” So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?”

 

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store… I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

 

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you …she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

 

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

 

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”

 

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Guys walk into a bar

 

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

 

The first guy says “Wow, cool lighter…where did you get it?”

 

“A genie from a bottle granted me one wish.” “Great, can I try it?” “Sure.”

 

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. “You are granted one wish says the genie.”

 

The guy says, “I want a million bucks!” “Done” says the genie and disappears.

 

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door. “I can’t believe this,” says the guy who had just placed his wish, “I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

 

The second guy then says, “Do you really think I wished for a 12″ Bic?”

[clementi]

Joke: Flight attendant

 

An airline’s passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

 

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”

 

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

 

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.”

 

The flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Horsey ride

 

That little bastard Little Johnny was passing his parent’s bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act.

 

Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsey ride.  Daddy can I ride on your back?”

 

Daddy, believed that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

 

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old ladies

 

 

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Biker Club

 

 

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"

The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"

The little old lady says "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Moped driver

 

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! and it looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"

But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka- bblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my god! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders... from your side-view mirror..." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pinched

 

 

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor’s clinic

 

 

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and faeces sample. The old man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:

''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Smoking in the rain

 

 

Two Old Ladies Were Outside Their Nursing Home, Having A Smoke, When It Started To Rain. One Of The Ladies Pulled Out A Condom, Cut Off The End,Put it Over Her Cigarette, And Continued Smoking.

Lady 1: What's That?

Lady 2: A Condom. This Way My Cigarette Doesn't Get Wet.

Lady 1: Where Did You Get It?

Lady 2: You Can Get Them At Any Drugstore.

The Next Day, Lady 1 Hobbles Herself Into The Local Drugstore And Announces To The Pharmacist That She Wants A Box Of Condoms. The Guy, Obviously Embarrassed, Looks At Her Kind Of Strangely (She Is, After All, Over 80 Years Of Age), But Very Delicately Asks What Brand She Prefers.

"Doesn't Matter, Son, As Long As It Fits A Camel."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fruit flies

 

 

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor.

"Doctor I think I have the crabs."

"When was the last time you had sex?" The doctor asks.

"I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin." she replied.

The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her.

After the examination he said, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don't have the crabs. The bad news is you've got fruit flies."

"Fruit flies?" asks granny.

"Yeah," says the doctor. "Your cherry rotted."

[worldangel]

Joke: Age & sex

 

 

This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.

He asked how often you should have it.

His grandfather told him,

"when you first get married, you want it all the time...and maybe you'll do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year like maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather,

"Well how about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said,

"She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom.

She yells, 'Screw You',  and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bubba and Billy bob

 

Two rednecks, Bubba And Billy Bob, were walking through a pasture.

 

Bubba sees a sheep caught up in a fence and says to Billy Bob “I’m gonna get me some of that”!

 

Bubba goes over and sticks the sheep’s back feet in his rubber boots, unzips his pants and starts to have sex with the sheep. He looks over his shoulder at Billy Bob and says “Do you want some of this”?

 

Billy Bob replies “yes let me see if I can get my shirt caught up in the fence”.

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Blonde paint job

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

 

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A little turtle

 

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

 

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

 

The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

 

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Old farmer

 

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

 

The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

 

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

 

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!” The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators.” Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!