Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad memories

 

 

Ben and Haley had gotten up in years, and their memories weren't quite what they used to be. They found it beneficial to write things down so as not to forget them.

One evening they were sitting in the parlor and Haley said, "Ben, be a dear and go to the kitchen and fix me a dish of ice cream and put some chocolate syrup and peanuts on it. And, Ben, write it down so you don't forget the peanuts."

"That's a good idea, Dear." Ben said, and wrote it on the notepad and headed for the kitchen.

Ben was in the kitchen for a while, and returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. Haley looked at it and said, "Oh Ben, you forgot the breakfast toast."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wheelchair fun

 

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor dear was several sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her eccentric behavior, and some of them even joined in the fun.

One day Ethel was speeding along one of the corridors when a man stepped out of one of the doorways with his arm outstretched: "Stop!" he said firmly. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, which she handed to him with a big smile. "OK," he said, and off she went again.

Taking the corner by the TV lounge on one wheel as usual, she found another man standing in the corridor in front of her. "Stop!" he said firmly, "Have you got a valid registration for that vehicle, madam?" Ethel dug into her handbag again and came up with a well-used beermat, which she presented for inspection. Whereupon she was sent on her way once more.

Heading down the last corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. He was stark naked, and holding a sizable erection in one hand. "Oh, no," cried Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Deaf

 

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?"

The doctor says, "Well, try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. That way we can see how bad the problem is."

The man goes home, sees his wife and says, "Hi honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer. "Honey, what's for dinner?" He repeats this several times, until he's standing right next to her.

Finally, she answers, "For the tenth time, I said we're having Pot Roast!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Memory tests

 

 

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The vase

 

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

He says "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Police station

 

 

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

 

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cop and Kid

 

 

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

 

 

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Insulting drunks at bar

 

 

A construction worker walks into a bar. He’s a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, “All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!” A sudden silence descends.

 

After a moment he asks “Anyone got a problem with that?” The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, “And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!” Once again, the bar is silent.

 

He looks around belligerently and roars, “Anyone got a problem with that?” A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

 

“You got a problem, buddy?”

“Oh no; I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who keeps saying that?

 

 

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!”

 

The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

 

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say “You’re a handsome man!” The man looked around, but still couldn’t see where the voice was coming from.

 

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again “What a stud you are!” The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

 

The bartender said “Oh, it’s the nuts–they’re complimentary.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding motorist

 

 

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.

 

 

An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. “How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked.

 

 

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. “You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is against me?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two elderly gentlemen

 

 

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The three guys

 

Three guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. T

he systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

 

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels’ rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

 

Hardware tech: “Let’s try and fix it. I’ll crawl under the car and take a look. ”

Systems analyst: “No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes.”

 

Programmer: “Why don’t we just get back in and see if it happens again?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorced Barbie Doll

 

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

 

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

 

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”

 

“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk

 

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. He says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me”

 

“Not to worry”, says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill”

 

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

 

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old country delivery

 

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

 

It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

 

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

 

The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

 

 

“Hit him again,” the child said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!!” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother of six

 

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as “Mother of Six” despite her constant objections.

 

 

One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?”

 

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Attorneys

 

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.

 

Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

 

The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

 

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Back to front

 

A young wanna be stud is vacationing alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreling. Our friend goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club.

So he goes to the club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asked, "man, what's your secret?" The old man replies, " I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks."

The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again. So, the next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded, of course by beautiful women.

That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help. The wise old man responds with another fine tip. " Next time son, put the socks in the FRONT! of your trunks.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Kids at the Wedding

 

At a friend’s wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

 

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, “I was just trying to be a good ring bear.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Expensive fishing trip

 

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.

They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

 

They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.

 

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

 

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”

 

The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Expecting a baby

 

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

 

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

 

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

 

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the bar

 

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy.

 

A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks.

 

He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, “Whoa, I don’t remember eating that!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Guy at a bar

 

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

 

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

 

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

 

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Retired husband & wife

 

A retired husband and wife in their 60s were dining at an expensive restaurant when a stunningly beautiful young woman in her late 20s came over, gave the husband a big kiss, and told him that she would meet with him later.

His wife glared at him and demanded to know, “Who is that?”

 

“What’s the big deal,” replied the husband. “That’s my mistress.”

“Your mistress!” snapped the wife. “I want a divorce and I want it now!”

“No problem,” said the husband. “Just keep in mind that I have arranged that everything that I own is protected in an international corporate trust. You can sue me in divorce court but you will get very little — if anything at all.”

 

“What this means,” continued the husband, “is that there will be no more shopping trips to Paris for you, no more wintering in the Carribean and South America, no Mercedes for you to drive, and no more country club where the rich and sophisticated hang out. The decision is up to you.”

 

Just then the wife noticed one of the couple’s neighbors from the ritzy area where they lived. “Who’s that young woman with Bill Richards?” asked the wife.

“That’s Bill’s mistress,” answered the husband.

 

“Ours is much prettier,” declared the wife proudly.

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday

 

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea.

 

Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!” So the first fella did just that.

 

The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?” “She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours’.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drill sergeant

 

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”

 

The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Plumber

 

A doctor has some trouble with the kitchen sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told that it’s his day off.

 

“But I get called out on my days off, too!” says the doctor, somewhat exasperated.” So, the plumber relents.

 

The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying, “Put these in. If it doesn’t clear up in 24 hours, call me tomorrow.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 24-hours

 

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has toldhim he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

 

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey,

you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”

 

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, “Honey, please…just one more time before die.”

 

She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.

 

“Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…” At this point the wife sits up and says, ”Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Escaped convict

 

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

 

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years.

Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.”

 

“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At a doctor

 

Doctor, “What seems to be the problem?”

Patient, “Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,”

The Doctor nods, “Hmm.”

 

Patient, “My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?”

“Hmm,” says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

 

The patient is thrilled “Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?”

“No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pulled over a car

 

 

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied.

 

“You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained. “But I did slow down!” the guy argued.

 

 

The cop shook his head. “You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.”

The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down — what’s the difference?”

 

 

The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”

[worldangel]

Joke: On my forehead

 

 

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”

He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.” To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”

“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!”

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.”

He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

 

She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The computer

 

 

One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

[worldangel]

Joke: Married buddies

 

 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

 

 

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ ….and she’s always sound asleep.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Magic Mirror

 

 

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

 

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

 

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

 

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think…’ and it sucked her in.

[worldangel]

Joke: Court

 

 

A judge asked a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.”

 

From out in the audience a man shouted, “Lying bastard!” “Silence in the court!”, the judge shouted back to the man.

 

He turned to the defendant and said, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.” “Tightwad!”, blurted the man again. “Quiet!”, yelled the judge who continued, “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”

 

“Son of a…” the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, “If you don’t tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!”

 

So the man answered, “I’ve lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cow

 

 

“Mister, why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns.

 

Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ‘em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Loving husband

 

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office.

 

After the exam, she shyly said, “My husband wants me to ask you…,” to which the doctor replies, “I know, I know,” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”

 

“No, that’s not it,” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

[clementi]

Joke: The condom conversation

 

 

A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son.

 

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of -factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son… Men use them to have safe sex.”

 

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

 

The Dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

 

“Cool, says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men.” the Dad answers, “Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday.”

 

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks with bright eyes, picking up the 12 pack.

 

With a sigh, the Dad replied, “Those are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March…”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Fidelity

 

 

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the man’s penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, “Daddy what in the heck was that?”
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, “It was only a bug, honey.”

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. “Sure had a big dick.”

[clementi]

Joke: Advertisement

 

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.

 

No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Factory workers

 

 

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

 

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?”

 

“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: New women’s study

 

 

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

 

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..

 

10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..

 

The other 5% say that they don’t care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A man in Chicago

 

 

A man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, “I hate to ruin Christmas this year, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

 

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her.”

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

 

She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Most wanted

 

 

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.

 

Little Boy says ” He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!”

 

 

Officer says “Yes.” Little Boy asks “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture.

[clementi]

Joke: Harold

 

 

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
He replied, “It was an ‘ID ten T’ error.”

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, “An ID ten T Error? What’s that, in case I need to fix it again?”

Harold grinned. “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
“No,” I replied.

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold…

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: No more floppy lips

 

 

A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed.

 

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

 

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. ‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.’

 

‘And what about the third rose?’ she asked. ‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.’

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A drunk orders beer

 

 

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

 

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink–he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

 

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

 

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely–but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

 

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

 

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

 

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Breakfast is kickin

 

 

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

 

‘Not yet momma,’ said the little boy.

 

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

 

‘How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?’ he asks.

 

‘Well,’ his mother says, ‘I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.’

 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: ‘Are you going to tell him, or should I?

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: I thought you were her

 

 

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

 

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”