Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Needs

 

 

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”

 

The husband says: ” WHAT???” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

 

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

 

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, we ‘ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

 

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

 

The husband says “but you don‘t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.’

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: ” I am ready to go, let’s go to the cash register. ”

 

The husband says, ” no no no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife face goes blank.

 

” No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

 

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says ” You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stopped by police

 

 

An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman. "Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" the policeman asked.

. "Well, I may have had a pint or two." The man replied, smiling. "Why do you ask?"

"Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back."

"Oh, thank goodness," the man exclaimed. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Windy day

 

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.

A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."

She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old; this hat is brand new!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor’s advice

 

A doctor was walking down the street one day when he noticed coming towards him one of his 85 year old patients with a very beautiful, well-built young lady on his arm.

 

He was looking the happiest he had ever seen him. When the old guy noticed the doctor he went up to him and said, "Well Doc. I took your advice and look at me."

Puzzled, the doctor asked what the advice was.

"You told me to get a hot Mama and be very cheerful," he replied.

"Oh no. I told you that you had got a heart murmur and to be very careful."

[worldangel]

Joke: Menopause

 

 

This is why menopause was invented

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN IT CRIES," she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES?"..

BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting old

 

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled,"volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nursing home negotiations

 

 

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious", she replies. "I want it four times in the rocking chair!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Social security

 

 

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dinner

 

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 90-years old dating

 

 

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?" The old woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon.

Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to himself, "My goodness, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle!"

Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My good, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose."

 

[worldangel]

My 8000^th post

 

 

Joke: Oranges

 

 

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ever thought of divorce?

 

 

"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina.

"Fifty years," Grandma replied.

"That is so wonderful," exclaimed Nina. "And I bet in all that time, you never once thought about divorce, right?"

"Right Nina. Divorce, NEVER. Murder, lots of times, but never divorce."

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting married

 

 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "Good, we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: “Old” is when …..

 

 

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

[worldangel]

Joke: The umbrella

 

 

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man is about to die

 

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, “I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I’ve slept with dozens of them.”

 

His wife looked at him calmly and said, “Why do you think I gave you the poison?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three women

 

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.

 

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks”.

 

To which the second gal replied, “You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!”

 

And the third proclaimed, “I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!”

 

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: “Ladies, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Medication for Life

 

A distraught patient phoned her doctor’s office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life?

 

She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’”.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Robber

 

A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money. The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.

 

When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, “That’s enough” and walked out the door. It’s hard to find a bank robber who knows when he’s had enough.

 

Joke: One Cent

 

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”

“One penny?!” exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, “Yes.”

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”

“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquires the guy.
“Four cents,” he replies.

“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”

The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Negotiation with Dentist

 

 

Then there’s the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

 

The dentist says, “Madam, I believe you’ve got a hold of my privates.”

 

The woman replies, “Yes. We’re going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren’t we.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: The pond

 

 

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years and etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."

Old age & cunning will triumph over youth & skill every time! 

[clementi]

Joke: Sweet old couple sharing

 

 

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of the little old lady. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of her. He took a sip of the drink, and then she took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple." As the old man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table.

He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing...she just sat there watching him eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.

This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered....

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Class assignment

 

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week.

 

Little Irving got up to read his. “Papa fell in the well last week – ” he began. “Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. “Is he all right now?” “He must be,” said little Irving. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday”

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart Blonde

 

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

 

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

 

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

 

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

 

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

 

The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hitch hiker

 

There’s a hitch-hiker waiting for a ride, and then a semi comes along, and the driver decides to pick him up. So after a couple of minutes of silence, the truck driver asks, “Hey, wanna see a trick?”

 

“Sure,” replies the hitch-hiker. So the driver calls up a monkey from the back, smacks it, and it gives him a blowjob.

 

“Hey, you want some of this action?” asks the driver, and the hitch-hiker replies, “Sure, just don’t smack me so hard.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Homemade Water

 

One Day, Norma Elizondo Had an idea about making homemade water. So She decided to make a glass to have her housemaid Eva Taste Test.

 

She had made it successfully, and handed the glass to Eva. Eva Took a Sip and spit it out on the floor. Eva Complained about how Acidic the water tasted.

 

Norma says “It shouldn’t be. It came fresh from my stomach and up through my mouth!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Turtle

 

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree.

 

After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

 

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

 

The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

 

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

 

“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Memory Class

 

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

 

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

 

“What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.

 

“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”

 

“A rose?” asked the neighbor.

 

“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Attitude

 

A young couple just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”

 

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your trousers,” she said.

 

“That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

 

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

 

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. I can’t get into your panties!”

 

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Something special for his birthday

 

It was Jim’s birthday, and he was considered to be an “old man” by his friend's standards. So, to live him up a bit, Jim’s friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

 

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said “Hi I’m your birthday present!”

 

Startled, he asked “What am I supposed to do with you?”

“I’m yours for super sex,” she answers.

 

So Jim replied “Well, I’m 75 years old so I’ll have the soup.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde woman

 

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”

 

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!” She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed…

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Coincidence

 

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! ”

 

“What a coincidence,” he said, “This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!,” says the woman.

“What a coincidence,” says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, “What are you celebrating?”

 

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

 

“What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.”

 

“That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I switched cocks,” he replied.

 

She smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Going too fast

 

This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

 

“I was only going 40!” the driver protested.

“Not according to my radar,” the officer replied.

“Yes, I was!” the man shouted back.

 

“No you weren’t!” the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man’s wife leaned toward the window and said, “Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he’s been drinking.”

[worldangel]

Joke: 0 to 200 in 6 seconds

 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

 

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bubba and Junior

 

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

 

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.

 

Junior shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What would you do?

 

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He’s riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.

It’s after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

 

He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.

 

They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed – and there his wife lays in bed with another man!

Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man’s head. Just then, his wife yells “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!…”

 

HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.

HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks “What should I do?”

 

The taxi driver replies, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Escaped convicts

 

Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks. Each of the three hide in one.

A policeman quickly comes through the scene and hears a rustling from the potato sacks. He goes over to them and kicks the first potato sack.

‘Meow!’ says the a convict. And the policeman goes to the next muttering, ‘Stupid cats.’
He kicks the second potato sack and the second convict says, ‘Woof!’

‘Stupid dogs!’ says the policeman while moving on to the next potato sack. The policeman kicks it, nothing, so he kicks it again and the last convict says, ‘Potato potato!’

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: E-mail

 

As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months.

 

One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. “If you don’t get off there right now,” she commanded, “I’m going to e-mail your father!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Business Decision

 

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, ‘What are you doing?’

 

She answers, ‘I’m moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.’

 

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, ‘I’m coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.

[clementi]

Joke: Accountant and Business owner

 

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question “how much is 2+2?”

The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02″.

 

The mathematician said “In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof.”

 

The attorney stated “In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4.”

 

The trader asked “Are you buying or selling?”

 

The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice “What would you like it to be?”

[clementi]

Joke: A problem of problems

 

 

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

 

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

“Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”

His father replied, “Don’t you love this girl?”

 

 

“Oh yes, very much,” he said, “but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.”

“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”

 

 

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

 

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.

“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

 

“No, you don’t understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

 

 

Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”

 

 

“I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.

“Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

“Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.

 

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.

 

That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.

 

Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh, my,” he replies, “you’ve swallowed my sock!” 

[clementi]

Joke: Drinking

 

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”

 

“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”

“What fer?”, asked Bubba.

 

“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?,” said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?”

 

“No, sir,” said Earl while pointing at the labels. “We’re on the patch.”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Vacation in Jamaica

 

A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

 

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!”

 

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.”

 

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them. He was satisfied with things they way they were. The Jamaican quickly figured out the wife felt like she was getting the short end of the stick, so to speak.

 

The wife asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?”

The Jamaican replied, “Tell him to just try dem on, Lady.” So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

 

As soon as the husband slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. There was a level of excitement his wife hadn’t seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips.

 

The Jamaican began screaming, “You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Fishing license

 

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell.

 

 

The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

 

“Let’s see yer fishin’ license, Boy!” the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. “Well, son,” said the Game Warden, “you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!” “Yes, sir,” replied the young guy, “but my friend back there, well, he don’t have one.”

[clementi]

Joke: Technical support

 

Customer: “One of my friends gave me an ImageWriter printer and this keyboard. He said he gave me all the cables, but I can’t figure out how to connect them. Am I missing something?”

Tech Support: “Well, a computer would help.”

 

Customer: “You mean this keyboard isn’t a word processor?”

Tech Support: “No ma’am, it’s just an input device.”

 

Customer: “Then I need to buy a computer, right?”

Tech Support: “Yes.”

 

Customer: “Do you think I’ll need a monitor, too?”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Sharing everything

 

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Savings

 

 

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh my Goodness! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A bun in the oven

 

A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walks over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?”

 

She replied, “I’m having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.”

 

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks forward to what he has to say next…

 

And, much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him?”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymoon

 

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.

 

Trying to assert himself rite-off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!”

 

The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any “we” in the first place.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jill & John

 

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a “marriage of the 90′s” — equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed.

 

Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!”

 

Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn’t having any of it. “Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”