Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Two rednecks

 

Two rednecks, Bubba and Billy Bob, were walking through a pasture. Bubba sees a sheep caught up in a fence and says to Billy Bob “I’m gonna get me some of that”!

 

Bubba goes over and sticks the sheep’s back feet in his rubber boots, unzips his pants and starts to have sex with the sheep. He looks over his shoulder at Billy Bob and says “Do you want some of this”?

 

Billy Bob replies “yes let me see if I can get my shirt caught up in the fence”.

[worldangel]

Joke: Redneck morals

 

The out-of-state couple is camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.

The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

 

“That’s OK with me, honey,” says her husband. “I’ll go get some wood for the fire.”

 

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.

 

“What on earth happened to you dear?” he asks.

“Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don’t allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!”

 

“Damn those trouble-makers! I’ll fix them!” the husband shouts.

He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.

 

“Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!” he shouts.

A huge redneck, about 6′-8,” steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. “I did it,” he bellows. “What you got to say about it?”

 

The husband answers meekly, “I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Not their day

 

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. “What are you going to do with the money?” asked the policeman.

 

 

“Well, I guess I’m going to get a driver’s license”, he answered.

 

“Oh, don’t listen to him,” said a woman in the passenger seat, “He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.”

 

Then the guy in the backseat said, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Farting pills, or not

 

 

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him – “Doctor, I don’t know what the problem is, but I’ve been farting all the time. It’s not really a problem socially because they don’t make any noise and don’t smell. I just can’t stop farting all the time.

 

In fact, since I’ve been standing here I must have farted at least 20 times.”

“No kidding…” says the doctor with a bit of an upturned nose. The doc says “I’ve got just the stuff.” and gives her some pills. “Here take these for 10 days, then return for a follow-up appointment.”

 

So she takes the pills and returns 10 later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. “What kind of medicine is this? I’m still farting just as much! They still don’t make any noise, but now they stink terribly!”

 

The doctor nodded, “Great, now that we’ve your sinuses cleared up, we’ll work on your hearing next!”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Love thy husband

 

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.

 

 

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

 

 

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.”

“Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.”

 

 

“Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.”

 

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Unjustice in hell

 

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

 

‘That’s unfair!’ he cried. ‘I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.’

 

‘Shut up,’ barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

‘Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?’

[worldangel]

Joke: How old are you?

 

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?”

 

The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.”

 

The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”

Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”

 

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

 

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”

 

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation.

The girlfriend said, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s driver’s license. It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”

 

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.”

 

The mother was very shocked. She asked, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”

The little girl shrugged and said, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”

 

“Where did you learn that?”

The little girl said, “I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bartender

 

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,”
The guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Navy retirement

 

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

 

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

 

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

 

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “from the tip of my weenie to my testicles.”

 

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

 

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to “drop ‘em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back.

 

Oh Man!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The old Chief calmly replied… “Vietnam.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A wife’s special birthday present

 

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, John! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says John. “He’s on my bowling team.”

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” John’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

 

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

 

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, John.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Redneck logics

 

 

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

 

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

 

“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

 

“I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” said the redneck.

 

The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

 

Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”

 

The redneck was catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

 

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”

 

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

 

“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.

“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.

 

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re queer, ain’t ya?” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Texas policing

 

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver’s window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

 

“Ow!” says the driver. “Why’d you do that?”

The trooper says, “You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready.”
 

The driver says, “I’m sorry, officer; I’m not from around here.”

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car’s passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.

 

“Ow!” says the passenger. “What’d you do that for?”

The trooper says, “Just making your wish come true.”

 

“What the hell does that mean?” asks the guy.

“Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, “I wish that lousy asshole would’ve tried that shit with me!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Glad to be drunk

 

 

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

 

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

 

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old man stumpy

 

 

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, “Martha, I think I really should try that.”

 

Martha replies, “I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10.” So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

 

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, “Martha, I’m 70 now, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane.” Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing nearby and overhears the conversation…

 

The pilot pipes up, “Excuse me folks, I couldn’t help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I’ll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I’ll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each.” Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

 

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, “Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn’t make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff.” Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Installing a carpet

 

 

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes.

 

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ”No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

 

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ”Here,” she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ”I found them in the hallway.”

 

”Now,” she said, ”if only I could find my parakeet.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Changed me

 

 

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man.

 

“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend. “I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mugged

 

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!

 

Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?”

 

To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I crapped myself

 

Some boyscouts went to see an old veteran in the nursing home and he was telling them about the war.

He said “One time while on a mission, a lion jumped out and went ROAR. I crapped myself.”

One of the boys said “That’s understandable, we would be scared of a lion, too.”
The old man said “No, I mean just now, when I went ROAR”!

[worldangel]

Joke: First wedding

 

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

 

After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

 

“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”

 

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Game of intelligence

 

 

A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey).

 

Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

 

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”  Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.

 

The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

 

The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

 

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted,  “What is the answer to your question?”

 

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gynaecologist Guessing game

         

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, after which the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

 

Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor.

 

He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

 

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Elevator magic

 

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, “What’s this, Paw?”

 

The father responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is!”

 

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

 

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

 

The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, “Go get your maw!”
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Silent treatment

 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5.00 am.”

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed … it said… “It is 5.00am; wake up.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The helpful wife

 

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What’s the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the Vet

 

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man….
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Console a friend

 

A guy was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife in bed with another man.

“Get over it, buddy,” he said. “It’s not the end of the world.”

“It’s all right for you to say,” answered his buddy. “But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?”

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, “I’d break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Camping

 

3 guys go camping in their new tent.

 

After a night’s sleep, the guy sleeping on the left of the tent wakes up in a cold sweat and tells the others “I had the most horrible nightmare that somebody was trying to pull my dick off!”

 

The guy sleeping on the right says “Weird! I had the exact same dream!”

 

The guy sleeping in the middle says “I had a dream that I was skiing …”

[worldangel]

Joke: Old guy

 

There was this really old guy at an old-timer’s dance, and the problem was that he hadn’t had any sex for a long time. He’d been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn’t scored.

 

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, “I’m having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I’ll give you 20 bucks!”

 

She says, “I’m willing, let’s go”.

They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can’t get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she’s got to be a virgin.

 

After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, “Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks”.

 

Surprised, she says, “If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!”

[clementi]

Joke: My daddy is a lawyer

 

 

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

 

“My name is Joshua. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Adam,” replied the second.

 

“My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?” asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, “My daddy is a lawyer.”

 

“Honest?” asked Joshua.

“No, just the regular kind,” replied Adam. 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Rectum stretcher

 

 

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed “I can’t break this! I need exact change.”

 

“Come on buddy.” Jack pleaded, “Can’t you give me a break, just this once?”
“Nope. Sorry. Exact change!” Answered the collector.

“While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, “Do you really like this job?”

 

“Well it’s not the best job that I’ve ever had, but it pays the bills,” replied the collector. “what do you do for a living?” he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”

“A what?” asked the collector.

“A rectum stretcher.” Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

“What does a rectum stretcher do?” The collector asked.
“Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums.” Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

 

“Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?” The collector asked.
“Oh you’d be surprised. It’s real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It’s the new trend.” Jack said.

 

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, “Well if you don’t mind me asking, I mean if it’s not too personal, how big do you, well you know…?”

“…How big do I stretch them?” Jack interrupted. “Most of them, not too big,” He continued, “but I have stretched some up to six feet.”

 

“SIX FEET!” The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. “Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?”

 

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, “Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls.”

[clementi]

Joke: What is a …..?

 

 

Little Johnny and Suzie were walking home from school after their first sex education class, when Suzie said that one thing she didn’t understand about it all was, “What is a penis?”

 

Little Johnny said he didn’t know either, but would ask his father that night, because his father “Knew everything.” That night, when Johnny’s father came home from work, Little Johnny asked, “Dad, what’s a penis?”

 

Johnny’s father led him into the bedroom, where Johnny’s father dropped his trousers, pointed down, and said, “That, Johnny, is a penis.” He then looked down at it and added, “In fact, that’s what I would call a PERFECT penis!”

 

Little Johnny was impressed, thanked his father for explaining it, and ran out to play. The next morning, Little Johnny and Suzie were walking to school when Johnny proudly announced that he knew what a penis is. Suzie wanted to know, so Johnny led her around behind a bush, dropped his trousers, pointed down, and announced, “That, Suzie, is a penis.” He looked down at it and added, “In fact, if it was just 3 inches shorter, it would be a PERFECT penis!!!”

[clementi]

Joke: Jack Daniels

 

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them all down in a flash. He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and does the same thing. By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong with this guy so he asks him what his problem is.

 

The guy looks up and says ” I don’t have a problem, I’m celebrating my first blow job!”

The bartender looks with a smile and says,” well that’s just dandy, let me get the next one!”

 

“No thanks”, says the guy, “if 6 shots won’t wash the taste out, the 7th won’t help either!!!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Attractive Woman

 

 

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

 

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

 

“Can you get him for me – I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

 

“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

 

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday

 

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

 

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

 

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

 

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

 

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog

 

A 30-year-old married guy hears a knock at the door, and as he opens he sees a platoon buddy, which he hasn’t seen in 10 years, with a dog.

 

They schmooze, laugh, and tell each other what they are up to, and meanwhile the dog is tearing apart the drapes, messing up the sofa, and breaking the laptop. Before the friend leaves the married guy tells him, “great seeing you, but next time could keep your dog at home?”

 

The friend answers, “It’s not my dog. He was lying near the front door when I came, so I thought he was yours”.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Paved road

 

One morning a Journalist was on his way to work, when he gets stuck in traffic due to a big accident. He wants to do his job and cover the event.

 

Only, there are too many people gathering all curious. So he decides to take action and goes through the crowd yelling: “let me come through, I’m the victim’s son! I’m the victim’s son!”. Only he felt like a jack ass, when he came closer to the scene and saw that the victim is… A donkey

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Police

 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

 

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One shot

 

Two buddies are hunting in the woods when one says to the other, “Hey, i can see your house from here…and, wait! Your wife is in her room with some other guy.”

 

The other says: “Alright, shoot her in the head, and shoot him in the privates.”

The buddy replies: “Easy. I can make that in one shot.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Need

 

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, “I don’ t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”

 

The husband says ” WHAT???” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

 

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

 

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We ‘ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

 

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

 

The husband says “but you don ‘t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.’

 

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says ” I am ready to go, let’s go to the cash register. ”

 

The husband says, ” no no no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife face goes blank.

” No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

 

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says ” You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage is …

 

 

A son asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son. I’m still paying for it.”

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

 

A woman was telling her friend, “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.” The friend asked, “And what was he before you married him?” The woman replied, “A multi-millionaire.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The stork

 

 

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby stork is crying and crying, and father stork is trying to calm him, “Don’t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.”

 

The next night, it’s father’s turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother is saying, “Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he’s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.”

 

A few days later, the stork parents are desperate. Their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns, and the parents ask him where he’s been all night.

 

Says the baby stork, “Nowhere in particular. Just scaring the hell out of college students!” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Accountant

 

 

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: “Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary.”

 

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: “Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage

 

 

A best man’s speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

 

A classified ad which read “Wife Wanted” received hundreds of responses, all from men saying “You can have mine.

 

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband expects his wife to be perfect… and to understand why he’s not.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Whorehouse

 

 

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time.

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he’s too young.

 

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny’s dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable’s (Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! — Our Customers Come First!) for a good time.

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

 

After his dad and his dad’s friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door. Yes? she asks.

I’m here to have a good time!, Johnny Says

 

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.

 

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel’s.) Where have you been?

I went to a WHOREHOUSE! Johnny proudly boasted!

 

Johnny’s dad blanched. Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?

Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing house

 

A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.

 

The girl approached the boy and said, “Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?”

 

He said, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”

 

 

The girl replied, “I want you to communicate.”

 

 

He said to her, “That word is too big. I have no idea what it means.”

 

The little girl smirked and said, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Big dinner

 

 

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office.

 

 

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. “Oh, come on, quit joking,” snickered one. “You didn’t really do that, did you?” “You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another.

 

 

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Accountant

 

 

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

 

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Fire Department

 

An excited man calls the fire department and says, “Help me, my house is on fire!!”

The fireman says, “Where do you live?”

 

The man replies, “I am too excited, I can’t tell you the exact address.”

 

The fireman asks, “How do you expect us to get there?”

 

The man replies, “What do you mean ‘how’? The big red truck.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why I fired my secretary?

 

 

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

 

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

 

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

 

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

 

On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

 

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

 

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

 

And I just sat there…

 

On the couch…

 

Naked.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Southern piece

 

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, “Miss, y’all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y’all to give me a piece of ass?”

 

 

“Lord, that’s the most direct proposition I’ve ever had!” gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, “Sure, why not? You’re nice lookin’ too and it’s pretty slow here right now, so why don’t we just slip away up to my room?”

 

 

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, “Will there be anything else, sir?”

 

 

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, “Miss, y’all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y’all to give me a piece of ass?”

 

 

“Lord, that’s the most direct proposition I’ve ever had!” gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, “Sure, why not? You’re nice lookin’ too and it’s pretty slow here right now, so why don’t we just slip away up to my room?”

 

 

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, “Will there be anything else, sir?”

 

“Why yes,” replied the southern gentleman. “Ah sure ‘preciate what y’all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y’all for a piece uh ass for mah drink.”