Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Blonde

 

 

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

 

The blonde began, “It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right.

 

Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another …”

 

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, “Mam … I don’t know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener.”

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Two blondes

 

There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.

 

The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car.

 

She was trying to pick the lock when she stopped to rest for a second.

 

When she sat down, her friend said, “Hurry up, it’s starting to rain and the top’s down!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Cop on horseback

 

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” The kid says, “Yeah.”

 

 

The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

 

 

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”

 

 

The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Jigsaw muddle

 

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished??

The girl says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

 

 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box.

 

He turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Magical mirror

 

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there’s a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish… but if you lie – POOF! – it swallows you up for eternity.

 

A brunette, redhead, and a blonde walk into that very bar – with a mission. They head straight for the magic mirror. The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” POOF! – the mirror swallows her up and she’s gone for eternity.

 

The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” POOF – now she’s gone too.

 

Lastly, the blonde goes up to the mirror says ” I think……..” – POOF!

[clementi]

Joke: Drunken fools

 

 

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: “You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.” The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

 

The 2nd Man says: “What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen.”

 

 

1st Man: “No, it’s true let me prove it to you.” So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

 

The 2nd Man tells him: “You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.”

 

 

1st Man: “No, I’ll prove it again” and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

 

2nd Man: “Well what the heck, it works, I’ll try it.” So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’

 

 

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

“You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Well endowed

 

 

It was the first day of third grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Little Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.”

 

The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s third grade, so most could make it half way through without too much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.

 

That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.”

 

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly “well endowed.” This confused him. That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?” he asked.

 

“No, son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car dealership

 

I went to a couple of car dealerships last week, and the first one I stopped at was Kia, well nothing caught my eye, but the price was right, then I went to a Ford dealer, again nothing really caught my eye, but I looked anyway, then I go to the Chevy dealer, well I see one that I like, the dealer does the once over with me, then he pops the trunk, disappointed, I looked at the dealer and said, “Well, Theres something missing” the dealer ,puzzled asks “What”? I said “at the ford dealership I checked out, they had a new pair of shoes in the trunk of every car”! Smiling the dealer says “That’s so they can walk home”!

[worldangel]

Joke: No strings attached

 

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they’re both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, “Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight.

 

No strings attached. It’ll just be one night of fun.” The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

 

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?” “Yeah, how did you know?” The man says, “I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.” “Oh, that makes sense”, says the woman. ” You’re an anesthesiologist aren’t you?” “Yeah”, says the man , a bit surprised. “How did you know?” The woman answers, “Because I didn’t feel a thing.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Revenge

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?” 

[worldangel]

Joke: One good deed

 

An elderly gentleman is standing at the pearly gates and St. Peter addresses him: “All you need to have done is one good deed, and we will allow you passage into heaven”

The old man says, “No problem,” as he recounts to St. Peter that he once stopped at an intersection and saw a motorcycle gang harassing a young woman.

 

 

He got out of his car, walked up to one of the bikers, who was over seven feet tall and must have weighed nearly 400 pounds, and told the biker that abusing and harassing a woman is a cowardly act and that he would not tolerate it in his presence.

He then reached up, yanked out his nose ring and kicked him in the groin to

make a point.

 

 

St. Peter is frantically searching the man’s life in his book in front of him and says, “I can’t find that incident anywhere in your file. When did that happen?”

 

The old man looks down at his watch and says, “Oh, about five minutes ago”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Potentially and realistically

 

 

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, ‘Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?’

 

The father thought for a moment, then answered, ‘Go ask your mother if she would sleep with a famous actor for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with the same famous actor for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with those actors I mentioned before for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’

 

So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with the famous actor for a million dollars?’ The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!’

 

The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with the famous actor for a million dollars?’ The girl replied, ‘Oh my God! I LOVE the handsome & famous actor! I
would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’

 

The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with the famous & handsome actor for a million dollars?’ ‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?’

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?’

The boy replied, ‘Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two hookers and a gay man.

[worldangel]

Joke: I didn’t get any money this time

 

 

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

 

“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

 

“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

 

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

 

“Then this month,” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

[worldangel]

Joke: The mortician’s wife

 

 

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

 

“I’m sorry Mr. Sam,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

 

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

 

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.

“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Sam is dead!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Eating grass

 

 

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Oh, come along with me then.” the man from the limousine said excitedly.

 

 

“But sir, I have a wife with two children!” “Bring them along! And you, come with us too!” he said to the other man. “But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered. “Bring them as well!” So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine.

 

 

One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The rich man replied, “No, thank you… the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Girls night out

 

 

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.

 

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

 

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

 

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girl’s nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wake me at 5 am

 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5.00 am.”

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed … it said… “It is 5.00am; wake up.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Owner’s manual

One of my daughter’s wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.

 

“Get the owner’s manual!” her husband shouted. “I can’t find it anywhere!” she cried, searching through the box. “Oops!” came a voice from the kitchen. “Well, the toast is fine, but the owner’s manual is burnt to a crisp.”

[clementi]

Joke: Protecting yourself

 

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fishing and Gaming is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. The department has posted the following notice:

 

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle any bears.

We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoors men should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear faeces has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

[clementi]

Joke: Psychic hotline

 

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog says, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”

 

“No,” says the psychic. “Next semester in her biology class.”

[clementi]

Joke: Eats Shoot and Leaves

 

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.

 

The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, “What do you want?” The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.”

 

The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!” The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: “Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it’s stark black.

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Parrot

 

 

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

 

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

 

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.

 

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”

[clementi]

Joke: Two builders

 

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day’s work. They’re sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. “I’ll bet he’s an accountant.” said the first builder.

“Looks more like a stockbroker to me.” argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
“Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?” the builder said to the man.

Smiling the man replied, “I’m a logical scientist.”
“A what?” asked the builder.

“Let me explain” the man continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?”
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, “Yes, I do as it happens.”

“Well then it’s logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?”
“A pond” the builder replied.
“Well then it’s logical to assume that you have a large garden.” The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, “which means it’s logical to assume you have a large house.”

“I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself.” the builder said proudly.
“Given that you have such a large house, it’s logical to assume that you are married…”

 

The builder nodded again, “Yes, I’m married and we have three children.”
“Then it’s logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life.”
“Five nights a week!” the builder boasted.

The man smiled a little, “Therefore it’s logical to assume you don’t masturbate often.”
“Never!” the builder exclaimed.

“Well there you have it” the man explained, “That’s logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I’ve discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!”
The builder left, very impressed by the man’s talents.
On returning to the bar the other builder asked, “I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?”

“Yeah,” replied the first, “He’s a logical scientist.
“A what?” the puzzled second builder asked.

“Let me explain” the first builder continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?”
“No” replied his mate.
“Well, you’re a tosser then!”

[clementi]

Joke: Killer Jigsaw Puzzle

 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

 

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde replied, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

 

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s just have a nice cup of tea, and then ..” He sighed… “We’ll put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box…”

[clementi]

Joke: Compliments

 

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

“Suzy wants to go out to my car. She’s really hot,” one boy said. “I’m really nervous. I know I’ll goof up!”

 

“Take it easy,” his friend assured him. “All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You’ll have her in the palm of your hand.”

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

“Shit, man! What happened to you?!” his buddy asked.

 

“I took your advice.”

“Didn’t you compliment her?”

“Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too.”

“It sounds like you were doing great,” his friend said.

 

“Well,” the other answered, “that’s when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment.”

“What did you say?”

“For such a large crack, it doesn’t stink much.”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Unusual event

 

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

 

Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

 

It began, “Daddy fell into the well last week…” “My goodness!” the teacher exclaimed.

 

“Is he all right?” “He must be,” said the boy. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The 3 runways

 

There were three boys. one named zip, one named willy and one named pee. they ran away from school but they were chased by the head-teacher so zip hid on top of a wardrobe, willy hid inside it and pee stood next to it. soon enough, the head-teacher saw the cupboard and at that moment it was break time so all the kids were coming out of class. the head-teacher was unaware of this and shouted ZIP DOWN! WILLY OUT! PEE IN THE CORNER!

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Blonde calls

 

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, “Can you help me when you get home?” “Sure,” he replies. “What’s the problem?”

“Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can’t even find the edge pieces.” “Look on the box,” he said. “There’s always a picture of what the puzzle is.” “It’s a big rooster,” she said.

 

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, “Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box.”

[clementi]

Joke: Magical mirror

 

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there’s a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish… but if you lie – POOF! – it swallows you up for eternity.

 

A brunette, redhead, and a blonde walk into that very bar – with a mission. They head straight for the magic mirror. The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” POOF! – the mirror swallows her up and she’s gone for eternity.

 

The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” POOF – now she’s gone too.

 

Lastly, the blonde goes up to the mirror says ” I think……..” – POOF!

[worldangel]

Joke: Another chance

 

One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren’t dumb.
They begged: “Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we’re not dumb.”

 

The group caught the attention of a passerby, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the group.

She got up on the car too and the man asked: “What is the first month of the year?”
The blonde responded: “November?”

 

“Nope,” said the man. At this point the rest of the group began to chant, “Give her another chance, give her another chance.”

 

So the man asked: “What is the capital of the U.S.A?”
The blonde responded: “Paris?”

So the group of blondes began chanting again: “Give her another chance, give her another chance.”

The man said: “Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?”
The blonde replied: “Two?”

“Give her another chance, Give her another chance,” screamed the group of blondes.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Farmer on the plane

 

A farmer, who is not familiar with new technology, never went on a plane, but had to visit his sick daughter in California.

 

He asked the flight attendant where the bathroom is, and he pointed all the way in the back of the plane, but he said don’t press he third button. He went in, and pressed the first button. It thoroughly cleaned his front private.

 

The second one cleaned his back private thoroughly. The memory haunting him of the flight attended saying not to press the third one, curiously, he pressed it, and ended up in the hospital. He woke up and said “What happened?” “Well…” The doctor replied, “the third button on the plane, was the tampon remover.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Farmer

 

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons.

 

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says “Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

 

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: “Now there are two”.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Godfather

 

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant doesn’t answer. The Godfather asks again, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”

 

The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

 

The Godfather says, “Well, ask him where the @#!* money is.” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where the @#!* money is!”

 

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!” The accountant signs back, “Okay! Okay! The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!” The Godfather says, “Well, what did he say?” The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Tourists

 

A tourist guide was talking with a group of school kids at Yellowstone park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.

“Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon.”

 

“What did you do?” the little girl asked.

“What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast.”

 

“How did you get away?”

“As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two employees

 

Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, “Geez, you’re old!”

 

“Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you,” replied the older employee.

“How about a foot race to see if you’re right,” said the younger employee.

 

With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an elderly woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them.

 

The old woman caught her breath and said, “Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I’d better run too!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Interview

 

In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says, “The job that you’re applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about this man.”

 

The first applicant enters and says, “This man has just one ear.”
“Get out!!” screams the interviewer.

The second applicant enters and says, “This man has one ear.”
“Get out!!” screams the interviewer again.

 

Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, “The guy that’s giving the interview doesn’t like to hear that the man in the picture has one ear.”
“Thanks for the tip” says the third applicant.

 

So the third applicant enters, stares at the picture for a while and finally he says, “This man wears contact lenses.”

The interviewer is impressed and says, “Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell?”
So the guy says, “Well, this man has just one ear, how could he wear glasses?”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A new sales assistant

 

A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.

 

Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I’ll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.

Sales manager: Here’s a couple of bags. You’ll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I’ll take one of those too.

 

After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. “You see?” he said, “that’s the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for.”

 

Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I’d like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.

Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend’s shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.

[worldangel]

Joke: An artist

 

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

 

“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

 

“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

 

“The guy was your doctor…”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Passed away

 

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, “What’s the matter?” The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away.”

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, suggests to the young girl, “Why don’t you go home for the day…we aren’t terribly busy. Just take the day off and go relax.”

Sally very calmly states, “No I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here.”

The boss agrees, and allows her to work as usual. “If you need anything, just let me know,” says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over and asks, “What’s the matter now? Are you going to be ok?”
Sally breaks down in tears. “I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Skyscraper Bar

 

Guy goes into a skyscraper bar. A guy at the bar says, “When it’s windy out like tonight the breeze blows between the buildings and creates an updraft. If you jump out this window, an air current spins you around and blows you back in.

 

Look.” And he does it. 1st guy tries it and falls 15 stories. SPLAT! Bartender says “Geez, Superman, you’re a real dick when you’re drunk.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Talking too much

 

 

Eight-year-old Wendy brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.

 

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Wendy is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

 

Wendy’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Wendy because I would like to try it out on her mother.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde stewardess

 

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

 

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

 

The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jason is speeding

 

Jason Young is speeding down the highway when suddenly he sees red and blue flashing behind him. He pulls over his car and waits for the officer to approach his window. Jason sees the officer walking up so rolls down his window and asks “What seems to be the problem officer?”

 

“Well don’t you think you were going a little fast? I clocked you at 20 miles over the speed limit” the officer replies.

 

So Jason sighs and replies to him “I understand, I was just in such a rush, I absolutely have to get to work and I’m already late.”

 

“And what do you do that so important you need to drive 20 over the limit to get there?” the officer asks.

 

“Well I’m a rectum stretcher…” Jason replies back.

A little confused the officer scratches his chin and says “And just what in the hell does a rectum stretcher do?”

 

“It’s simple really” says Jason, “First I insert one finger in the anus, and loosen things up a bit. Then I get another finger in, and work it a little more. So I keep adding fingers until I can fit a whole fist in, and I just keep working that ass until I got it stretched six feet wide and six feet tall!”

 

The cop huffs and says “And what exactly does anyone do with a six foot tall asshole?”

 

Jason grins and says to him “You give him a radar gun and stick him behind a billboard!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Married life

 

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.

 

“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

 

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… ”

 

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

 

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

 

“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie h?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

 

“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…”LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A F*CKIN’ BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER… GOT IT, AS*HOLE?”

 

…and they lived happily ever after.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two whales

 

Two whales, Willie and Wendy are swimming around in the sea when they spot this fishing boat.

 

That’s the boat that killed my mother, says Willie, I have to get even.

 

He tells Wendy, go to the back of the boat and blow a big stream of water to get their attention, then I’ll ram the boat and knock them all over board and you gobble them up.

 

No way says Wendy.

 

I don’t mind the blow job but I ain’t swallowing the seaman.

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor’s meeting

 

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed.

 

Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?”

The other three agreed.

 

The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”

The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.”

The third followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”

 

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret…”

[worldangel]

Joke: Walk the line

 

 

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

 

“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

 

“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

 

“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

 

“Because I’m drunk.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Joe’s on his deathbed

 

As Joseph Balk lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife Diane, “I cannot die without telling you the truth.

 

I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I’ve slept with dozens of them.”

 

Diane looked at him calmly and said, “Why do you think I gave you the poison?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Potty mouths at breakfast

 

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

 

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

 

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts,”You can stay there until I let you out!” She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?” “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Police pulls over the wiseguy

 

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

 

The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”