Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Roseneck goes into a whorehouse

 

He’s got five bucks and is horny, so he thinks to himself, “Maybe I’ll go to that whorehouse I’ve been hearin’ so much ’bout.” The redneck walks in, approaches a very burlesque, good-looking woman and says, “I’ve got 5 bucks, give me your best.”

 

The man is immediately escorted to a room with a mirror, a couch, and a chicken in the corner. The woman shuts the door. The man reluctantly takes the chicken and finishes his business. He then realized that that was the best sex he’d ever had.

 

The following week, the man brings $10 of his hard earned money, and offers it to the woman. He is the whisked off in to a small room with a few benches and a double sided mirror. The small room quickly fills with men and women alike.

 

Two women walk into the room that the people are viewing. The two lesbians then proceed to make love on the table.

 

The redneck nudges the man next to him and exclaims, “Damn, for 10 bucks, this is damn good.” The man then chuckles and says, “You should have been here last week, we had a man screwing a chicken.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Girls night out

 

 

2 women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.

 

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

 

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underware set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

 

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other.

 

“Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’ 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ice fishing

 

 

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

 

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”.

 

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

 

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

“How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde.

 

So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to have to pay for those holes.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Welcome hell

 

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil.

 

Devil: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell.

 

Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

 

 

Devil: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

 

 

Guy: You better believe it.

 

Devil: Alright! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie – you’re already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow. That’s awesome.

 

 

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

 

Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble

all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you’re dead anyhow.

Devil: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don’t mean….

 

 

Devil: That’s right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose – that’s alright – you’re dead, who cares? O.D.!!

Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin’ place.

 

 

Devil: You gay?

Guy: No….

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You’re gonna hate Fridays . . .

 

[clementi]

Joke: Stumpy

 

One day OldManStumppy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.

 

Stumppy looks to Martha and says, “Martha, I think I really should try that.” Martha replies, “I know you want to Stumppy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10.” So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumppy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

 

Finally, when Stumppy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumppy looks to Martha, and says, “Martha, I’m 70 now, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance again, so I just have to be naughty and have a ride in that there airplane.” Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumppy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation…

 

The pilot pipes up, “Excuse me folks, I couldn’t help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I’ll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I’ll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each.” Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

 

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, “Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn’t make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff.” Stumppy looks back at the pilot and says, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!”

[clementi]

Joke:King of Jungle

 

 

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!”

 

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?” The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

 

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it had been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

 

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and yells after the elephant , “Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Pilot wanted

 

 

The sugar cane farm outside of Crowley Louisiana closes down and 2 cajuns find themselves out of work. They can’t find any work, so one of their friends suggest they visit the state job office in Lafayette.

 

The job man asks Tibedeaux what he does for a living. Tibedeaux says, “I’m a pilot.” The man says, “Oh good. We got lots of jobs for dem dare pilots. You go sit over dere and we get you fixed right up.” Beaming, Tibedeaux goes to sit down.

Next, the man asks Beaudreaux the same question. Beaudreaux say, “Well… all I ever done is cut down dat sugar cane.” The man says, “Oh. Dat not so good. Not a lot of sugar cane jobs dis year. I might not be able to help you.”

 

Beadreaux, he gets mad. He says, “Hey! You tell me you can’t help me but you gonna fix my friend up over dere. What’s da matter wid you?”

 

The man replies that Tibeadeaux is a pilot. Beaudreaux replies: “Well… if I don’t cut it, how he gonna pile it, huh?”

[clementi]

Joke: Cajun’s wife

 

One cajun is working on his boat. Two other cajuns came up and said, “Beadreaux! We got some good news an’ some bad news fo’ you.”

 

Beadreaux said, “Oh! Giv me dat bad news foist.”

 

“We just come down from da bayou. Yo wife she floatin’ face down in it — she dead!”

Beadreaux said, “No! No! Oh man… dat terribile news. Wat da good news?”

 

“She had over two dozen blue crabs on her! We gonna run her again in the mornin’!”

[clementi]

Joke: Definitely

 

A nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”

 

First a little girl says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black.”

A second little boy says, “Trees are definitely green.”

“Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.”

 

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, “Does a fart have lumps?”

The teacher looks horrified and says, “Johnny! Of course not!!!”

“OK…then I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants!”

[clementi]

Joke:  I like the way you think

 

 

Little Johnny’s teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game! The teacher said, “I have something behind my back. It’s red in color and round. It’s soft, but it’s hard.”

 

Johnny raised his hand and said, “I know, it’s a red rubber ball.” The teacher said, “No Johnny, it’s an apple, but I like the way that you think.”

 

The teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. “I have something behind my back. It’s orange in color and round. It’s soft, but it’s hard,” said Johnny’s teacher.

 

Johnny raised his hand again and said, “Teacher teacher, I know, it’s an orange rubber ball.” The teacher looked at Johnny and said, “No Johnny, it’s an orange, but I like the way that you think.”

 

Johnny was now getting the hang of it so he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnny grabbed an object and put it behind his back and said, “I have something behind my back. It’s pink in color and it’s loooong. It’s soft, but it’s haaaard.”

 

The teacher, getting upset, yelled at Johnny, “Now Johnny, I’m going to have to tell the principal about this perverted behavior.” Johnny stopped her and said, “But, teacher, all I have is my pink eraser – but I like the way you think!”

[clementi]

Joke: Dog named Sex

 

 

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”.

I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

 

He said, “I would like to have one too!” Then I said, “But she is a dog!”

He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, “You don’t understand. … I have had Sex since I was nine years old.”

 

He replied, “You must have been quite a strong boy.”

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.

 

He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.”

 

He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is now barred from the church.

 

After the wedding, my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.

 

He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, “You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night.”

The clerk said, “Me too!”

 

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

 

“You don’t understand,” I said, “I hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.”

 

The Judge said, “Me too!” Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning.

 

I said, “I’m looking for Sex.” — My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

 

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely. ”

 

The doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend so get yourself a dog.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Morning sickness

 

The neighbour dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

 

 

“What’s wrong Marge ?” she asked.

Marge told her that she had “morning sickness.”

 

 

Surprised, the neighbour said, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant!”

“I’m not.” the harried young woman replied. “I’m just damn sick of mornings.” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”

 

“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”

 

“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”

 

Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”

 

“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”

“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The mathematician’s wife

 

When the math professor’s wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:

 

My dearest wife,

We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, thatyou are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you’re reading this, I’m in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I’ll be home before midnight.

Your husband, who will never stop loving you.

 

When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:
 

My beloved husband,

 

You mayrecall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you’re reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.

Your loving wife.

 

P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don’t stay up and wait for me.

[worldangel]

Joke: Game of intelligence

 

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane.

 

The lawyer kept bugging the blonde, wanting her to play a game of intelligence.

Finally the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

 

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

 

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. Then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

 

The lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer.

 

Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

 

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5. 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A women takes a lover.

 

One day the lover is over at the women’s house and they are upstairs making love. A little while later little Johnny comes home unexpectedly and finds the mother and lover in bed. So little Johnny goes into the bedroom closet to watch.

 

A short time later, the husband comes home unexpectedly and the wife tells the lover to get in the closet.

 

After a few moments little Johnny speaks out and says to the lover, “Dark in here isn’t it?”, to which the stunned lover replies, “Yes it is”.

 

Little Johnny says, ‘You know I have a baseball.” The lover says, “That’s nice.” Little Johnny says “Would you like to buy it”, the lover says “Not really”. Little Johnny says “You know my daddy is outside”. The lover says “Ok how much?”. Little Johnny says 20 dollars and the lover says “20 Dollars!”, and then remembers his situation and pays him.

Couple of weeks later, the women has the lover over again and they are upstairs making love when little Johnny comes home unexpectedly. He sees them in bed and goes into the closet to watch.

 

A short time later the husband comes home unexpectedly and the women tells the lover to get in the closet. After a few seconds little Johnny says, “Dark in here isn’t it?”, to which the stunned lover replies, “Yes it is”.

 

Little Johhny says, you know I have a baseball glove, and the lover remembering the previous discussion with little Johnny, says “How Much? Little Johnny says 50 dollars. The lover pays the money.

 

A couple of days later the husband comes home early from work and says, “Johnny get your ball and glove and we will play catch.” Little Johnny says “I can’t daddy, I sold them.” The husband says “You did? How much did you get for them?” Little Johnny replies, Seventy dollars. The husband says, “Johnny, that’s not right, you cannot take advantage of your friends like that, and you must go to confession.”

The husband marches little Johnny down to the church and sets little Johnny inside the confessional and steps away.

 

Soon thereafter the priest enters the other side and waits for Little Johnny’s confession. After a short silence, little Johnny says, “Dark in here isn’t it?”, and the priest says, “Don’t start that crap in here!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bear and Rabbit

 

 

A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says, “I will grant each of you three wishes.”

 

The bear says, “I wish all the bears in the forest were females.” *poof* It’s done.

The rabbit says, “I wish for a motorcycle.” *poof* It’s done.

 

The bear says, “I wish all the bears in this country were females.” *poof* It’s done.

The rabbit says, “I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house.” *poof* It’s done.

 

The bear is thinking to himself. “Why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things? oh well.” “And for my third wish, I wish that all the bears in the world were female.” *poof* It’s done.

 

The rabbit says, “For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay.” And he rides off on his motorcycle.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Miracle spray

 

 

A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

 

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.

 

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car, and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.

 

She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road.

 

Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.

 

The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?”

 

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said: Are you ready for this?

 

“Hair Spray – Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Glad to be drunk

 

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

 

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

 

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why questions

 

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

 

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 

Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?

[worldangel]

Joke: 16 Marriages

 

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

 

After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

 

“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

 

“How do you know that?”

 

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jill & John

 

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a “marriage of the 90′s” — equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however.

 

She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!” Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn’t having any of it. “Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”

 

Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs — one scrambled and one poached. ”Here, my love, enjoy!” Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Since we got married

 

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

 

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man. “Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend.

 

“I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Businessman & Bartender

 

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.

 

After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and order another double martini. The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

 

The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog

 

A 30-year-old married guy hears a knock at the door, and as he opens he sees a platoon buddy, which he hasn’t seen in 10 years, with a dog.

 

They schmooze, laugh, and tell each other what they are up to, and meanwhile the dog is tearing apart the drapes, messing up the sofa, and breaking the laptop.
 

Before the friend leaves the married guy tells him, “great seeing you, but next time could keep your dog at home?”

 

The friend answers, “It’s not my dog. He was lying near the front door when I came, so I thought he was yours”.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday suit

 

A wife was beginning to worry about her and her husband’s non-existent sex life. So one afternoon the woman decided to ask her friend for some advice on how to put the spark back into her marriage.

 

Her friend gave her some advice that always worked with her own husband. She told the woman that every day before her husband was due back home from work, she puts on her birthday suit and waits at the top of the stairs for him to arrive when he does, he sees her and cannot resist her and they have wild passionate sex.

 

The woman ran home and immediately, put on her birthday suit and waited at the top of the stairs for her husband. Within time her husband arrived through the door, looked at her and said “what on earth are you doing?”

 

The wife replied “it’s my birthday suit, don’t you like it?”

The husband responded “you could have ironed it first”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You did what to my steak?

 

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

 

“Are you crazy?” yelled the customer, “with your hand on my steak?”

 

“What” answers the waiter, “You want it to fall on the floor again?”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Returning home drunk

 

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”

 

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

 

The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where is his wheelchair?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Rectum deodorant

 

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist explains to the woman they don’t sell rectum deodorant… and that in fact he’s never heard of it before.

 

The blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more.

“I’m sorry”, says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

“Do you have the container it comes in?” asks the pharmacist.
“Yes!” said the blonde, “I’ll go home and get it.

 

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

 

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: “To apply, push up bottom.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Smiths

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon” Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

 

“Good morning, madam. I’ve come to….”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in. “Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good. I’ve made a speciality of babies”

“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat” After a moment, she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?” “Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results”

“My, that’s a lot of…..” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure” “Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith said quietly.

 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
“This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London”

“Oh my goodness!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with”

“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get 

 

“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. “Yes,” the photographer said, “And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um……equipment?”
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so we can get to work.”

“Tripod?????”
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ……. Good Lord, she’s fainted!!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: With the babysitter

 

 

A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says “Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her”.

 

The babysitter responds with “OK”. They are cuddling when the boy says “Usually mommy lets me take a bath”. The babysitter says “ok”. The boy is in the tub when he says “Usually mommy gets in with me”.

 

The babysitter says “Really? ok”. They are in the tub when the boy says “Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton” The babysitter says “Really? ummmmm ok”.

 

Then the babysitter says “Hey that wasn’t my bellybutton!” The boy says “That wasn’t my finger either.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Cut-backs

 

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they’d have to drastically alter their life-style.

“If you’ll just learn to cook,” he said, “we can fire the chef.”

 

“Okay,” she said. “And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Boasting pirate

 

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

 

The seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”?

“Well…”, replied the pirate, “While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eyepatch?”
“A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.”, replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well…”, said the pirate, “…it was my first day with the hook.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Inebriated state

 

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.

 

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine.

 

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

 

The friend listened and said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways.”

 

The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

 

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”

 

At that, in his inebriated state he replied, “I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Like in firehouse

 

 

A firefighter tells his wife: “I want us to do it like in my firehouse: first whistle we take off our clothes. Second whistle we put on our work clothes. Third whistle we get on the fire car”.

 

The wife agrees, so on his first whistle they take off their clothes, on the second they get to bed, and by the third whistle they start having sex.

 

Suddenly during sex the woman blows the whistle. The guy says “What happened?!” She answers, “Flames are getting high, but the hose is too short!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Looking to buy a frog?

 

 

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees.

 

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

 

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”

 

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.

 

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”

 

The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

 

“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

[worldangel]

Joke: 11^th time is the charm

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

 

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

Well…

 

“Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “But… why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymoon

 

 

Jen & Kevin Tremblay were having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Hawaii on their honeymoon.

 

Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, Kevin exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!”

 

 

Jen replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Hawaiii, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any “we” in the first place.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Back woods of Tennessee

 

 

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

 

Whoa there, said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.”

 

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

 

“No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.

 

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband Sam is missing

 

A lady calls the police to report her husband Sam is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description.

 

 

She tells them he’s 6 foot 4 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

 

 

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. Sam is really 5 foot 3 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”

 

 

he neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”

[worldangel]

Joke: A little girl

 

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

 

She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut….she is eating a snack cake… the barber smiles at her and says, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your twinkie.”

 

“I know, “she replies. “I’m gonna get boobies, too.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My wife is pregnant

 

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

 

 

“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.

 

 

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her *husband*!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk

 

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

 

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

 

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.” 

[clementi]

Joke: Bored superman

 

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him.

 

A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a Few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman’s apartment to see if she was free.

 

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself “I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what was happening.”
 

So Superman did his super thing in a split second & flies off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said “What was that?” And the Invisible Man said, “I don’t know but my asshole hurts like hell!”

[clementi]

Joke: Redneck couple

 

Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man’s arm around the woman.

 

The man says “Lookit them the gays a ruining the sanctity of our institution.

 

We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman.

 

Right, Darlin’” The woman replies, “That’s right, Daddy.”

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: DEA

 

The phone rings at DEA headquarters. “Hello?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor.

He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

 

The next day, DEA agents descend on the neighbor’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.

 

The phone rings at the neighbour’s house.
Hey, Adrian, did the DEA come?”

 

“Yep.”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

 

“Yep.”

“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Birthday wish

 

A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”

She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”

 

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The creaming Coaster, the Loops of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

 

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

 

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?”

 

One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: One for me, one for you

 

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slow down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

[clementi]

Joke: Naming the twins

 

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

 

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.

But the hospital was in a real hurry to
get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”

 

The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”

 

Whereupon, his brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”

 

The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”

The brother winked and replied, “Denephew.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bet

 

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said ” I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!” The second man says “Ok, sure.” and the barman holds the bet.

 

The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: ” I’ll bet you another $100 you can’t do it again.”

 

So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says “Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in.” The first man says” Ok, sure.”

 

The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man ” Gee, you can be a bastard when you’re pissed, Superman.”