Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Checking account

 

Jim Walker walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account”

 

To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”

“Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now.”

“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!”

 

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”

“There’s no damn problem,” Jim said, “I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”

 

“I see sir,” the manager said, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Miserable cold

 

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.

 

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, “Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”

 

“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”

 

“I know,” said the doctor, “I can cure pneumonia.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two rednecks

 

These two rednecks Billy Bob & Chub go hunting one afternoon. While they are out, Chub all of a sudden falls over and quits breathing.

 

 

The other redneck Billy Bob pulls out his cellphone and calls 911. He says, “O my gosh, my friend Chub just fell down on the ground and quit breathin. I think he might be dead.” Well, the 911 employee says “Make sure he’s dead.”

 

 

Billy Bob says “Okay, give me a second.” All of a sudden, they hear a loud bang. Billy Bob picks the phone back up and says “Yup, he’s dead alrite.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The rude parrot

 

 

Phil Johnson received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity.

 

Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude. Phil tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.

 

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Phil put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

 

Phil was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior.

 

I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” Phil was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”

[worldangel]

Joke: What is in the bag?

 

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.

 

He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says “meow” in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.

 

When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says “woof” in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.

 

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts “potato” to the officer.

 

Joke: Redneck gets shot

 

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

 

“Well,” Bubba began, “We wuz havin’ a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, ‘Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?’”

“And then what happened?” the officer interrupted.

 

“From what I remember,” Bubba said, “I stood up and said, ‘Sure, I’m game.’”

[worldangel]

Joke: Social security

 

Owen just retired and went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

 

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed his Social Security application.

 

When he gets home, Owen excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Sign language

 

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

 

He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

 

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.

The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Henry wakes up with hang over

 

 

Henry wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Henry is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

 

Henry had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Henry sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

 

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Lisa”

 

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Henry asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

 

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door”

 

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

 

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

 

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

 

[clementi]

Joke: Ventriloquist

 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

 

 

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!”

 

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: GI Insurance

 

Airman Miller was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

 

It wasn’t long before Captain Taylor noticed that Airman Miller was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

 

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Miller’ sales pitch.

 

Miller explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Retiring

 

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a drink.

 

As he was putting the mail in the mailbox of the last house, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside and lead him upstairs where she made mad passionate love to him. After their lovemaking she lead him downstairs where she prepaired an exquisite dinner for him.

 

He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, “When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, ‘screw him, give him a dollar.’ Dinner was my idea.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Escapes

 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

 

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

 

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

 

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The camel

 

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, what the camel was for.

 

The Sargent replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”

The Captain said, “Well, if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me.”
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sargent, “BRING ME THE CAMEL!!!”

 

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain’s quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

 

The Sargent replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two farmers

 

There are two farmers in a small village. They have been together since childhood. They say they are very close friends. They are both married but only one of them has children. The other one is suffering very much from having none. So the other day the poor one comes to his friend and asks him to have a serious talk. He explains his unfortune and suggests his friend to have an intercourse with his wife in hoping to get her pregnant.

 

They fix a day and time. One morning his friend comes over and he is met by his friend at the entrance of his house. The poor guy looks very nervous and smokes one cigarette after another. He lets his friend in and waits outside.

 

After a short while the door opens and the man comes out looks a bit discontent. What’s up?-asks the other. Don’t ask, I was not in a good mood, so she just did me a blowjob.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Attorneys

 

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

 

The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

 

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Granny loves oranges

 

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Granny. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

 

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Granny. The young girl became frantic.

 

Sure enough, Granny noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for dear?” Not willing to let Granny in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

 

“Mmmm, sounds lovely,” said Granny, “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Granny at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But, you’re so old, how do you do it?”

 

Granny replied,” Oh, it’s quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck ‘em dry.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Punish

 

A student is talking to his teacher.

 

Student: “Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?”

 

Teacher:” Of course not.”

 

Student: “Good, because I haven’t done my homework.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Vacation

 

Billy Ray and Bubba were talking one afternoon when Billy Ray tells Bubba, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different!

 

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Betty Ann got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Betty Ann got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Ann didn’t get pregnant again.”

 

Bubba asks Billy Ray, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

 

Billy Ray says, “This year I’m taking Betty Ann with me.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother of six

 

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as “Mother of Six” despite her constant objections.

 

One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?”

 

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Tourist guide

 

A tourist guide was talking with a group of school kids at Yellowstone park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.

 

“Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon.”

 

“What did you do?” the little girl asked.

 

“What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast.”

 

“How did you get away?”

“As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An artist

 

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

 

“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

 

“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The guy was your doctor…”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pen

 

Planning to cash her paycheck, a nurse walks into a bank. She reaches into her pocket to pull out a pen to sign her check. Instead of a pen, she finds she has pulled out a rectal thermometer from the pocket.

 

She looks at the rectal thermometer in complete shock. “Oh no!” she states in disbelief. “Some asshole has my pen!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Interview

 

In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says, “The job that you’re applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about this man.”

 

The first applicant enters and says, “This man has just one ear.”
“Get out!!” screams the interviewer.

 

The second applicant enters and says, “This man has one ear.”
“Get out!!” screams the interviewer again.

 

Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, “The guy that’s giving the interview doesn’t like to hear that the man in the picture has one ear.”
“Thanks for the tip” says the third applicant.

 

So the third applicant enters, stares at the picture for a while and finally he says, “This man wears contact lenses.”
The interviewer is impressed and says, “Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell?”

So the guy says, “Well, this man has just one ear, how could he wear glasses?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The godfather

 

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant doesn’t answer. The Godfather asks again, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”

 

The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

 

The Godfather says, “Well, ask him where the @#!* money is.” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where the @#!* money is!”

 

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!” The accountant signs back, “Okay! Okay! The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”

 

The Godfather says, “Well, what did he say?” The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde circle

 

 

OK, so there’s this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She’s cruisin’ about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him.

 

So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.

 

The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.

 

The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, “Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!”

 

She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, “While you weren’t looking I stepped out of the circle!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New sales assistant

 

A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.

 

Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I’ll take one.

Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.

Sales manager: Here’s a couple of bags. You’ll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I’ll take one of those too.

 

After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. “You see?” he said, “that’s the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for.”

Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.

Man: I’d like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?

Man: Why would I want to do that?

Sales assistant: Well, your weekend’s shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.

[clementi]

Joke: Exam

 

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a _________.”

 

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?”

 

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.”

 

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.” He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

 

“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: First mammogram

 

 

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!

 

Exercise 1

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.

 

Exercise 2

Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

 

Exercise 3

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!

 

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your mammogram!
 

[clementi]

Joke: Bouncing and Blowing

 

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parent’s room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, “Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you’re bouncing up and down on him.”

 

His mom is taken by surprise and says, “Oh..well…ah….well I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.” And the boy says, “Well, that won’t work!”

 

His mom says, “Why?!?” And the boy replies, “Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Silent treatment

 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

 

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago.

 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5.00 am.”

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight.

 

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed … it said… “It is 5.00am; wake up.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Farmer

 

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons.

 

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says “Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

 

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: “Now there are two”.

[worldangel]

Joke: Got married

 

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a “marriage of the 90′s” — equal roles for equal partners.

 

So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however.

 

She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!” Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn’t having any of it. “Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cigars

 

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

 

“When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can’t tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won’t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar.” “Thanks doc, I’ll try it.” And he did.

 

But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. “What? My recommendation didn’t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!” “Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction,” said the patient.

 

“What in the hell is that supposed to mean?” “Well, I don’t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can’t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass…”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How many women?

 

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

 

After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded.

 

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”

 

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 60 years old virgin

 

60 year old virgin goes to her doctor because she thinks she has Crabs.

 

Her doc says to her: “You’re a virgin how can you have crabs?”

 

She says “Maybe I got them off a toilet seat!”

 

He checks around down there.

 

Tells her: “The good news is, you don’t have Crabs”

 

“The bad news is, your cherry went bad and you have fruit flys”

[worldangel]

Joke: Who is able to say it?

 

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”

 

 

So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”

 

 

The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.”

 

 

Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Papa  won’t like it

 

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

 

 

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Billy Bob, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

 

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Billy Bob answered, “but I don’t think my Pa would like me to.”

 

“Aw, come on boy,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but my Pa won’t like it.”

 

 

After a hearty dinner, Billy Bob thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my Pa is going to be real mad.”

 

 

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?”

“Under the wagon.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Sisters

 

Nina lived in Manhattan. Nina’s younger sister, Rosey, came in from college to spend a weekend with her sophisticated sister. Nina had even arranged a date for Rosey with one of her friends, George.

 

After a lovely dinner and a show, George and Rosey went to George’s apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music for a while and then George suggested they retire to the bedroom.

 

“Oh, no,” Rosey protested. “I don’t think my sister would like it.”

 

“Nonsense,” said George as he gently took her arm. “She loves it.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Eating vegetables

 

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

 

“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.

 

The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Paying bill

 

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

“Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.

[worldangel]

Joke: Barbeque time

 

This man walks into the kitchen, looks at his wife and says “My God, your ass is getting as big as a barbeque”.

 

That night they are in bed and he is getting frisky. She turns to him and says “If you think that I am going to fire up the barbeque for one little wiener, then you’re crazy”.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband compliment

 

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

 

The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The sausage and the cat

 

One day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chicopalata sausage came flowing past….the cat used his paw to get the chicopalata and managed to not even get it wet.

 

The cat was happy! The next day the day was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was happy!

 

The next day the cat was absolutely starving when a massive Frankfurt whopper came flowing past.. the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in! However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy.

 

The moral or the story is………….the bigger the sausage….the wetter the pussy!

[worldangel]

Joke: 87-year old woman

 

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defence of herself.

"Your Honour," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Poor old man

 

A nurse of an old folk’s home walked into the room of Mr. Jones and noticed he was crying at the foot of his bed. "What's the matter"? The nurse asked as she stood beside him.

Sobbing, the old man cried, "My penis died today", and began to cry hysterically.

The nurse played along with the old man and consoled him on his great loss.

A couple days later the nurse was in the middle of her rounds and noticed Mr. Jones walking down the hall with his penis hanging freely out of his shorts. The nurse walked up to him with a sympathetic voice and asked, "Mr. Jones...I thought your penis passed away a couple days ago."

He looked back at her and whispered, "It did, and today is the viewing."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 100-year old

 

 

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The farmer

 

The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine. While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity. The Scotsman asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and his wife a ride.

 

 

‘Well’, said the pilot, ‘Normally I charge $50 dollars each, but if you are both completely quiet throughout the flight, the ride will be free of charge. If I hear the least amount of noise, you will owe the full fare.’

The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and took off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through all of its paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers, you name it and he did it. The couple in back were completely silent throughout the thirty minute flight.

 

 

Upon landing, the pilot said, ‘I really have to hand it to you for keeping quiet through all that!’

‘Aye’, said the Scotsman, ‘but I’ll admit, ye almost heard me when the wife fell out.’ 

[worldangel]

Joke: Management course

 

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. “If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?”

 

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

 

With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind man

 

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

 

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

 

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bear

 

There’s this guy who shows up at a cabin where these hunters have gathered to hunt bear. Only he shows up without a gun.

The other hunters are very curious. “How you gonna get a bear without a gun?” they ask.

 

“Do you have a knife?”

“No,” says the guy.

“Do you have a club?”

“No,” says the guy.

 

“Don’t you worry. I’m gonna get myself a bear. Just wait right here and see.”

The guy leaves the cabin and disappears into the hills for several hours.

 

Eventually he happens upon a bear asleep in his den and he kicks the bear and gets it really angry. As the bear wakes up, he starts to chase after the guy, so the guy starts running back towards the cabin.

 

Finally the hunters hear him running down the hill and yelling, “Open the cabin door! Open the door!”

They open the door and the guy runs into the cabin and holds the door open behind him. To the terror of the other hunters, an angry bear follows close behind, running into the cabin, too.

Then the guy slams the door shut, and says, “You skin that one. I’ll go get another.”