Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Psychic

 

Biff went to a storefront psychic for some spiritual guidance. “There seems to be a horrible, dark cloud surrounding me.”

“I know,” said the psychic, “and for a hundred dollars, I can rid you of it.”

Biff thought the fee was high, but, eager to be cured, he handed over the money to the psychic. After pocketing the fee, the psychic then pulled out a book of matches and lit one.

 

Then Biff asked, “What do you call this dark and horrible curse?”

The psychic waved the match down behind Biff and said, “Mexican food.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Escape

 

There’s a guy who’s hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree.

The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away.

 

So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he’s brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn’t reach him. Eventually, the bears went away.

 

Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble.

 

Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Someone stole from me

 

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator,” he cried out.

 

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. “Never mind,” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Dog

 

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

 

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”

 

The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs.” The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”

[clementi]

Joke: Parrot

 

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

 

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.

 

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Frog prince

 

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

 

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”

 

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The boy said, “Look, I’m an economist. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Dogs and Lightbulbs

 

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Rottweiler: Make me!

 

 

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

 

 

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

 

 

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…

 

Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.

 

 

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

 

 

Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

 

 

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

 

 

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

 

 

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The dreams

 

A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.

 

The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night. The husband asked her about what.

 

She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.

 

The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!

 

Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that ” I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00.

 

The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for.

Sell? The didn’t sell yours… where in the hell do you think they held the auction!

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car dealership

 

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.

 

The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in the film “Twister”.

 

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the”cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Graduates

 

A graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

 

A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

 

A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

 

A graduate with a Law degree asks, “Who gave it a permission to work?”

 

A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Would you like fries with that?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Retired husband and wife

 

A retired husband and wife in their 60s were dining at an expensive restaurant when a stunningly beautiful young woman in her late 20s came over, gave the husband a big kiss, and told him that she would meet with him later.

 

His wife glared at him and demanded to know, “Who is that?”

“What’s the big deal,” replied the husband. “That’s my mistress.”

“Your mistress!” snapped the wife. “I want a divorce and I want it now!”

 

“No problem,” said the husband. “Just keep in mind that I have arranged that everything that I own is protected in an international corporate trust. You can sue me in divorce court but you will get very little” if anything at all.”

 

“What this means,” continued the husband, “is that there will be no more shopping trips to Paris for you, no more wintering in the Carribean and South America, no Mercedes for you to drive, and no more country club where the rich and sophisticated hang out. The decision is up to you.”

 

Just then the wife noticed one of the couple’s neighbors from the ritzy area where they lived. “Who’s that young woman with Bill Richards?” asked the wife.

 

“That’s Bill’s mistress,” answered the husband.

“Ours is much prettier,” declared the wife proudly.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday

 

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday.

 

 

She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!”

 

 

So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?” “She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours’.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drill sergeant

 

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”

 

 

The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Guy at the bar

 

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

 

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

 

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

 

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Married buddies

 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

 

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ ….and she’s always sound asleep.”

[worldangel]

Joke: At the doctor

 

Doctor, “What seems to be the problem?”

Patient, “Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,”

The Doctor nods, “Hmm.”

 

Patient, “My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?”

“Hmm,” says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

 

The patient is thrilled “Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?”

 

“No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Plumber

 

A doctor has some trouble with the kitchen sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told that it’s his day off.

 

“But I get called out on my days off, too!” says the doctor, somewhat exasperated.” So, the plumber relents.

 

The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying, “Put these in. If it doesn’t clear up in 24 hours, call me tomorrow.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Stop the car for speeding

 

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph.

 

He eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”

 

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”

[worldangel]

Joke: At the doctor’s clinic

 

A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

 

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

 

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”

 

She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”

“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnant lady

 

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor’s office.

 

He inquisitively asks the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?”

She replied, “I’m having a baby.”

 

With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”

She said, “He sure is.”

 

 

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?”

She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”

 

 

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked…

“Then why did you eat him?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At a bar

 

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, “I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop.”

 

The bartender said, “There is no way you can do that. Sure, I’ll bet you three hundred dollars.”

The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.

The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, “That’s it, you owe me three hundred dollars.”

 

The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.

 

The bartender asks, “Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet.”

 

The man said, “I’m laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pass gas

 

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me….

 

 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Heart attacked

 

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

 

 

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

 

 

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Jim is hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

 

 

The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.

 

 

“You b*stard,” the man says,” my wife is having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: At the Bar

 

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy.

 

A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks.

 

He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, “Whoa, I don’t remember eating that!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Drinking

 

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

 

The passenger, Bubba, said “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”

 

“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”

 

“What fer?”, asked Bubba.

“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?,” said Earl.

 

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?”

 

“No, sir,” said Earl while pointing at the labels. “We’re on the patch.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A bear and a squirrel

 

A bear and a squirrel are walking through their forest community and they stumble upon a magic lamp under the dirt.

 

Now this magic lamp has been covered in dirt for years and it was glad to be saved, so since the lamp was in such a good mood, he would grant EACH of them three wishes. So he asked who wanted to go first.

 

Now Bear, being the eager, young creature that he was, went first.

“What do you want for your first wish”? He asked.

Bear replied, i wish, that the hot female bear that lives next to me, was crazy in love with me.

 

BOOM. it was done.

Squirrel’s wish was for a helmet.

 

“A helmet”! Said Bear?!?! “You can get anything and you want a helmet?”

Bear’s next wish was for all the female bears in the forest be really hot and all like him.

BOOM it was done

 

Squirrel’s second wish was a motorcycle. Again bear was dumbfounded but carried on to his third wish.

 

“Actually, I want every bear in the forest to be female, hot, and really like me” said Bear.

The lamp granted the wish and…BOOM. it was done

 

It was Squirrel’s final wish, “What would you like me to grant you for your final wish” the lamp asked.

After much consideration, Squirrel finally answered.

 

“I wish Bear was gay” And with that, he rode off.

[worldangel]

Joke: Court

 

A judge asked a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.”

 

 

From out in the audience a man shouted, “Lying bastard!” “Silence in the court!”, the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

 

“Tightwad!”, blurted the man again. “Quiet!”, yelled the judge who continued, “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”

 “Son of a…” the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, “If you don’t tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!”

 

So the man answered, “I’ve lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 24hours

 

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

 

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?” Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, “Honey, please…just one more time before die.”

 

She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…” At this point the wife sits up and says,”Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Magic mirror

 

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

 

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

 

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

 

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think…’ and it sucked her in.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexy dancer

 

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

 

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

 

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G-string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

 

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

 

The Major asks her, “What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?”

She replied with a wicked smile, “Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing

 

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

 

She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

 

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

 

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

 

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cowboy walks into a bar

 

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

 

“No”, he replies,”I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What”s so special about it?”

The cowboy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What”s it telling you now?”

 

Well, it says you”re not wearing any panties.”

 

The woman giggles and replies “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

 

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing”s an hour fast.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The frog

 

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: “Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”

 

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a stockbroker!”

 

The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding night

 

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”

 

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

 

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

 

After the second time, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the bride, enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile and says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

 

The husband rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

 

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

Limply turning his head, He says at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two rednecks

 

Two rednecks, Randy and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching rasslin’ on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement. A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about the $10,000 dollars prize money for anyone who could defeat “The Killer”.

 

Randy looked at Bubba, a 6′ 4″ giant with the brain the size of a pea, and got an idea. He told Bubba, “I bet you could beat that guy. He doesn’t look so rough, and you’re no wimp.” Bubba thought about it for a minute and agreed that he probably could.

 

The next weekend Randy and Bubba went down to the stadium where the tournament was to be held and signed Bubba up. An old man came up and started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such. Randy, seeing Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips. The old man looked up to Bubba and said, “Just you watch out for his pretzel hold. Ain’t nobody ever gotten out that thing.”

 

One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back balled up and hurting. Two hours after they arrived, Bubba’s turn was finally up. In the ring, right before the bell rang, Bubba looked back at Randy and said, “Don’t worry buddy. I can avoid that pretzel thing.” But not ten seconds after he had gotten up in the ring was The Killer laying on top of the contorted ball of Bubba and the referee was pounding the mat, counting to ten.

 

Randy screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms. He was pissed. He had shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest, and it didn’t last 20 seconds. But right before he got to the door, the crowd went wild! Randy ran back to the ring to see Bubba with one foot on top of the unconscious Killer and one armed raised in the air by the referee.

 

Randy ran into the ring and jumped on Bubba. The crowd was out of control, and Randy and Bubba were $10,000 richer!

 

Later in the locker room, Randy confessed to Bubba he didn’t see what happened. Bubba said, “Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel hold and I thought all was lost. I hurt like I’d never hurt before and all I could hear was the ref slamming his hand down counting to ten. Then I looked and in front of me I saw this big, hairy sack of balls. I had nothing to lose and figured it might even help. So I stretched a little further and bit down as hard as I could on those things.”

 

“Randy,” Bubba said. “You wouldn’t believe the strength a man gets when he bites his own balls.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How old do you think I am?

 

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

 

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply.

 

“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29″.

 

“I am actually 47.”

 

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.”

 

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

 

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.”

 

Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonalds.”

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Vacation in Jamaica

 

A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

 

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!”

 

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.”

 

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them. He was satisfied with things they way they were. The Jamaican quickly figured out the wife felt like she was getting the short end of the stick, so to speak.

 

The wife asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?”

The Jamaican replied, “Tell him to just try dem on, Lady.” So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

 

As soon as the husband slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. There was a level of excitement his wife hadn’t seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips.

 

The Jamaican began screaming, “You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Open seasons on nerd

 

A truck driver hauling a container load of computers out of Silicon Valley stops at a cafe for a cup of coffee. As he enters, he follows a nerdy guy with tape on his glasses and a pocket protector.

 

 

The proprietor doesn’t say a word, but pulls out a shotgun and blows the geek away. “Why’d you do that? cried the truck driver. “Oh, don’t worry, since the nerds have overpopulated Silicon Valley, they’re in open season. You don’t even need a license!

 

 

“The driver finishes his coffee, gets back in his truck, and as he heads out of the driveway, his load shifts, his back door opens and his load of computers spills out all over the road. Immediately a huge crowd of nerds forms, grabbing his computers.

 

 

Remembering the incident in the cafe, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away until a cop arrives and orders him to stop. “What’s wrong, officer? I thought it was open season on nerds? “Well, yeah, replied the cop. But it ain’t fair to bait ‘em!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Poor Bob

 

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

 

His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Bob! How ya doin?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no”, says Bob. He’s in my bowling team.

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

 

“I recognize her; she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey”

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, “Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?

 

Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

 

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

 

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

 

The cabby turns around and says, “Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time”

The funeral for BOB is on Friday.

[worldangel]

Lesbian Joke: A Lesbian Visits the Doctor

A lesbian goes to her doctor for her annual physical. After the doctor completes the physical, she says, "You can get dressed now. Your test results will be back in a few days. Stop by my office and I'll review the exam I just gave you."

When the patient gets to the office, the doctor says, "Well, you seem to be in perfect health. I couldn't find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh."

The patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for that . . . you see, I have a woman in at least three times a week."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Neighbour

 

John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbour in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn’t look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn’t responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:

 

 

“Mi stai bloccando il d’tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ….”

 

John inscribes the words in his heart.

At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.

‘And, she asks with tearful eyes,”was it that he loved me? ”

 

 

“I do not know,” said the man, “but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d’tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ….”

 

The widow screams and faints.

 

“What?” John ask startled to the daughter, “what did he say, what does that mean?” And the crying daughter says:

“You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git.”

[clementi]

Joke: Jewellery store

 

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. “I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

 

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Barking Dog

 

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

 

 

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this”.

She goes downstairs.

 

 

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?”

 

 

The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dinner Time

 

A girl invites her boyfriend home for dinner and tells him they’ll go for a long ride after that.

Boy is eager and gets his motorbike checked at the garage. The mechanic tells him everything is ok except the tank cap, which is slightly loose. So as to avoid water going in. The boy immediately purchases a tube of vaseline and heads off towards his girlfriends house.

 

Upon reaching there his girlfriend tells him secretly that the situation in the house is bad as nobody at home has done the dishes or chores for several weeks and the house is a complete mess and that they had decided that whoever speaks first today at dinner would clean up everything.

Boy enters the house and sure enough the place is unbelievably dirty and everyone sits down silently at the dinner table. The boy gets a mischievous idea and jumps on his girlfriend rips of her clothes and has take her in front of everyone.

 

Girlfriend gets excited, mom is embarrassed and dad is furious. But nobody speaks a word.

After sometime the boy gets another idea and this time goes to mother and has s*x with her. Mother is excited, daughter and father are infuriated. But still nobody speaks.

 

A little more time passes and the boy hears a clap of thunder and remembers his bike and whips out the vaseline and gets up when the father screams ,”OH NO. I’ LL DO THE DISHES”

[clementi]

Joke: State Trooper

 

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line..

 

 

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

 

 

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

 

 

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

 

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”

[clementi]

Joke: You’re thinking

 

Teacher: Good morning class I have a couple of riddles to start off this morning. I have something here that’s round red and good to eat?

 

 

Sarah: an apple? Teacher: No it’s a tomato but you’re thinking.

Teacher: I have something here that’s yellow and odd shaped and good to eat?

 

Michael: A banana? Teacher: No it’s a pear but you’re thinking.

Little Johnny: Teacher, I have a riddle.

Teacher: Okay Johnny tell us your riddle.

 

 

Little Johnny: I have something in my pocket that’s round, hard and has a head on it?

Teacher: Johnny, you go see the principal right this instant.

Little Johnny: It’s a nail, but you’re thinking.

[clementi]

Joke: Three guys walk into a bar

 

3 guys walk into a bar

 

 

The first guy says “I have got the smallest arm in? the world”

The second guy “I have the smallest head in the world”

 

 

The third guy “I have got the smallest d*ck in the world”

 

The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records

 

 

The first guy comes back and says “I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world”

 

 

The second guy comes back and says “Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world”

The third guy comes back angry ” Who the FUCK is ROBERT PATTINSON?

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Winter hobby

 

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

 

 

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

 

 

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!!”

 

 

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!!”

 

 

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly–tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

 

“There are no fish under the ice!!”

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, “Is that You, Lord?”

The voice boomed back, “NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding car

 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

 

The officer says, ” I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir .”

The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ”

 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don”t be silly, dear — you know that this car doesn”t have cruise control.”

 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

 

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

 

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you”re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”

 

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

 

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn”t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you”re driving.”

 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON”T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

 

 

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma”am?”

“Only when he”s been drinking, officer.”