Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior Centre

 

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: “I’m here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations”

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . .”

 

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

 

“SH*T!” said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Donkey

 

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can’t stand it anymore.

 

So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey.

He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away.

 

Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.

 

As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles.

 

She smiles at him and says, “I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have.”

“Anything?” he says, getting fairly excited.

“Yes, anything.” she replies.

So he says, “Will you hold the donkey?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Secret

 

Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, “There is a easy way to get what you want.”

 

The other boy said, “How?” the boy replied, “Tell people you know their secret.”

The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, “I know your secret!” The dad replies, “Please don’t tell your mom heres $10.”

 

The boy then runs to his mom, “I know your secret!” The mom said, “Please don’t tell your dad here’s $15.”

 

The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, “I know your secret!” The mail man opened his arms and said, “Come, give your dad a hug!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother of 6

 

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.

He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, ‘Mother of Six’, in spite of her objections.

 

One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

 

He shouted at the top of his voice,”Shall we go home, Mother of Six?”

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion shouted back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pub

 

A man in a pub asks for a beer.

The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be one dollar.”

 

“One dollar?” exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, “Could I have steak and chips?”

 

“Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be two dollars.”

“Two dollars?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife”.”

 

The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Frog

 

A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive.

 

The woman says to the clerk at the counter, “I’m looking to buy a pet for my husband but I’m on a very short budget!.”

“No worries,” replies the clerk.

 

“We’ve just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give blowjobs.”

“Blowjobs,” says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent.

 

With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen.

In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen.

 

She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

“What are you two doing?” she asks.

 

“Well,” says the husband. “If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Baby brother

 

A little boy was so excited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.

 

He repeated that to his teacher every day, when he came to school, “Im getting a brother.”

One day his mom allowed him to feel the baby’s kicks in her belly.

 

The next day he came to school and didn’t say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happened to his brother.

 

He replied, “I think mommy ate him”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Camping trip

 

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

 

Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

 

“Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?”

 

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, “now, you can do what ever you want.”

 

So here I am.

Joke: At the bar

 

A man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, “Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; Handjob: 20.00.”

 

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses.

“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “Can I help you?”

 

“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the handjobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs. “That would be me.”

 

The man replies, “Well, go and wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Young rooster

 

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster.

As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

 

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried. Next morning, not only is the rooster screwin…g the hens but he is screwing the turkeys ,ducks even the cow.

 

Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.

 

The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: “You deserved it, you horny bastard!”

 

And the young rooster opens one eye,  points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!, they are about to land.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Last day

 

Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman.

 

 

He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route.

When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts.

 

After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some ‘desert.’ Joe happily accepts again. When they are done, the woman gives him a dollar.

Joe asks what the dollar is all about.

 

The woman replies: “It was my husband’s suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me ‘Fuck him — give him a dollar.’ The lunch was my idea.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Genie

 

One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

 

The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one.”

The man thought for a minute and said, “I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.”

 

The genie thought for a minute and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”

 

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?”

 

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: On day in class

 

One day in class…

 

Teacher: “Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happiness and peace into people lives?”

 

Student: ” Smo-king”, Drin-king and Fuc-king”

[worldangel]

Joke: Making love

 

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.

 

 

After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.

 

She goes balistic, “You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?”

 

 

Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, “I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids…..”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

Little Johnny’s dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some.

 

Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, “Whatcha doin’ Daddy?”

 

Johnny’s dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the floor. “Oh, I’m just looking for this big rat I saw.” he says.

 

Little Johnny asks, “Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?”

[worldangel]

Joke: One night

 

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

 

A man didn’t come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.

[worldangel]

Joke: Undressing

 

A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.

 

The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.

“What happened to your feet?” his wife asked.

“I had a childhood disease called Tolio.”

 

“Don’t you mean polio?”

“No, tolio, it only affects the toes.”

 

The man then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.

“What happened to your knees?” she asked.

 

“Well, I also had Kneesles.”

“Don’t you mean measles?”

 

“No, kneesles, it only affects the knees.”

When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, “Don’t tell me, you also had Smallcox!”

[worldangel]

Joke: At a bus stop

 

A guy with bright blue, green and orange color hair was standing at a bus stop.

 

 

Few moments later an elderly man stood near him and kept staring at him hard.

 

Annoyed by the stares the guy asked him, “Wotz up oldie! Never done something wild?”

 

To this the old man replied, “Yeah,I f*cked a peahen once and I’m wondering if you are my son.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Hailstrom

 

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.

 

Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

 

He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

 

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

 

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, “What are you doing?” The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

 

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first..”

Joke: Ugly baby

 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

 

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

 

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce court

 

A divorce court judge said to the husband, “Mr Geraghty, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.”

 

“That’s very fair, your honour,” he replied. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Licking

 

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls.

 

 

He turns to the bartender and says, “Boy, I wish I could do that.”

 

 

The Bartender replies, “You’d better try petting him first.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Older couple

 

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

 

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

 

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

 

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.

 

“I would like it infrequently “, she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, “Is that one word or two?”

[clementi]

Joke: Painting

 

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”

 

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?”

 

“Blind man!”

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.” They let him in.

 

The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

[clementi]

Joke: Late for school

 

(Little Johnny arrives at school 30 minutes late)

 

Teacher asked : Why are you late for school?

 

Johnny: Because of the Sign.

 

Teacher : What Sign?

 

Johnny : The sign that says “School ahead go slow”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Candy

 

One fine afternoon a gentleman was walking down the street; and as he came around the corner he spotted a young boy sitting in front of the local candy shop. As he approached, he realized it was his neighbor’s kid – Little Johnny.

 

The boy was shoving sweet tarts and chocolate bars down his throat as fast as possible, so much that it prompted the man to offer some advice: “You know, Johnny, it’s not healthy to eat all that candy.”

 

Little Johnny looks up at him and quickly retorts “You know, my grampa lived to be 96 years old.”

 

“Oh,” the man replied, “did he eat lots of candy?”

“Nope,” retorted Little Johnny, “he minded his own damn business!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Hooker

 

Doug meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special offer for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.”

 

Doug replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint my house.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Football

 

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

 

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted…

 

“You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.” “Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Going up to my room

 

A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriends house and the girlfriend said to her mom, “Mom, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room” and the mom says, “Ok honey, you kids have fun.”

 

When they are up their the mom hears: “Baby baby baby oh!”

The mom walks to the door and ask, “What the hell is going on?”

 

The girl says, “Mom were just having sex.” and the mom says, “Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Taxi

 

A total naked woman rushed in a taxi.

 

The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly.

 

The woman asked the taxi driver, “Why are you staring at me that way, haven’t you ever seen a naked woman?”

 

The taxi driver replied, “No, I just wonder where you have my money.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Didn’t come home

 

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

 

A man didn’t come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Jeep

 

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Jeep Wrangler and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that truck???!!!” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

 

“With what money?” demanded his parents. They knew what a Jeep Wrangler cost.

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.” So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” they said.

 

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. I don”t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Jeep Wrangler for fifteen dollars.”

 

“Oh my Goodness!,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what”s going on.” So the boy”s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

 

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Jeep Wrangler for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

 

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn”t intend to come back).

He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Jeep Wrangler and send him the money.

So I did.”

[worldangel]

Joke: 2 New Horses

 

A police station gets 2 new horses and 2 cops are assigned to be mounted policemen. They go on a ride and come back pleased.

 

“This horse is great! From now on I’ll always take this one” said the first cop.

“My horse’s great too. So I’ll always take it” replied the second cop.

“But how do we know which is which?”

 

They thought for a minute or two and one of them came up with an idea.

“Let’s cut off this one’s tail”

The other cop agreed and the horse lost it’s tail. The next morning The police chief is standing in front of the horses

and looks really mad. The two cops see this and ask what’s wrong.

“You two morons cut off the horses tail that’s what’s wrong!”

 

 

“But otherwise we couldn’t tell them apart.”

“Can’t you see the black one is a bit taller then the brown one.?!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Staying out night

 

 

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.

 

After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, “Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn’t like me to stay out during late night.”

 

The first guy replies, “I’ll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning.”

 

The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

 

When he got home, the house was pitch dark. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.

 

As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, “What the hell are you doing in here?!”

 

“Quiet!”, she exclaimed. “You’ll wake my mother.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Gary & Janice

 

Gary and Janice are both mental patients. One day Gary jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn’t come up for air. Quick as a flash, Janice sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.

 

Later, the hospital director calls Janice into his office and says ‘Janice, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane ‘saving another’s life’. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Gary hanged himself in the bathroom …’

 

‘Oh no’ Janice replies, ‘that’s where I put him to dry !’

[worldangel]

Joke: Road-line painter

 

Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.

 

“You get worse and worse every day!” yelled his boss.

 

“That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day.” said Paddy

[worldangel]

Joke: Game warden

 

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

 

He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?”

The boy replied, “What turkey?”

 

The game warden said, “That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.”

The boy looks down and said, “Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!”

 

The game warden said, “Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you.

 

If you break his leg, I’m gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I’ll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?”

 

The little boy said, “I guess I’ll just kiss his ass and let him go!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Making a call

 

A man and his wife agreed on a code to use in front of their kids when they want to have sex. The code is: “Making a call.”

 

One day the man asks his son to tell his mother, that dad wants to make a phone call.

 

The boy returns to his dad, that mom says she is out of order.

Then he asks him to tell her, that dad will go outside to make a phone call.

 

The boy returns, that mom says, “If you do so, she will open a central telephone station in the house.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Overweight

 

This woman was vastly overweight, and I mean MASSIVE and she went to see the doctor about her weight.

 

She said to him, “Have you got any dieting remedies or anything that can help me loose weight?”

 

The doctor replies, “Yes we do, all you need to do is shake your head from left too right, simple eh?!”

 

She says, “WOW that’s amazing, um… when do I do it?”

 

The doctor says, “Next time your ordered food.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior Centre

 

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

 

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: “I’m here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations”

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . .”

 

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

 

“SHIT!” said the Hypnotist.

 

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Football game

 

A dude takes his hot blonde girlfriend to a pro football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

 

Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn’t understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.

 

Surprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?

 

The blonde girlfriend replied, all they kept screaming was: “Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Princess frog

 

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

 

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

 

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

 

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

 

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

 

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

 

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Thermos

 

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

 

The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.”

“Wow, said the blonde, “That’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!” So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day..

 

Her boss saw it on her desk. “What’s that,” he asked?

 

“Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot and cold things Cold,” she replied.

Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”

 

The blonde replied….. …”Two Popsicles and some coffee.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Parking ticket

 

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

 

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”

 

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires.

 

So my wife called him a dick-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

 

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

 

Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Devil walks into a bar

 

Once a devil walked in a bar,

Every one ran away only one man had the guts to stay.

 

The devil asked to the man aren’t you scared.

The man replied, “Why should I be, I married your sister 30 years ago”.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grapes and Doughnuts

 

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn’t help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you.”

 

“On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

 

“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.” The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

 

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

 

Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.”

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us.”

 

“Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios… ”

[worldangel]

Joke: Car full of penguins

 

A man has his car full of penguins. He drives past a policeman, but the policeman stops him.

 

He says. “Hey, you! Yeah, you! You should take those penguins to the zoo!”

The man does that.

 

The next day in the same spot, the man still has the penguins. Once again he drives past the policeman. “Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!”

 

“I did,” replies the man. “We had so much fun that were going to the beach today!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Boy at Wedding

 

A little boy was in a aunt’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, “ROAR,” step, step, “ROAR,” all the way down the aisle.

 

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

 

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the boy sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Turkey

 

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

 

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, ‘Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

 

‘No, madam, ‘he replied, ‘they’re all dead.’

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Christmas Party

 

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

 

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

 

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

 

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday"

[clementi]

Joke: 40^th Birthday

 

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

 

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

 

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

 

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

 

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

 

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

[worldangel]

Joke: Flight to Chicago

 

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.

 

The blonde woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

 

After repeated attempts and no success convincing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

 

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

 

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

 

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

“I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”

Joke: Roulette

 

A woman is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, “What horrible luck! What in the world should I do now?”

 

A gentleman next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, “I don’t know… Why don’t you play your age?”

 

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

 

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

 

The operator replies, “I don’t know, buddy…. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!”