Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny sees

 

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…”

 

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

 

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

 

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dear employees

 

So I’m at work yesterday and the mail clerk starts handing out letters from upper management. At this point, I’m thinking “Oh crap, how am I gonna tell my family I got laid off?” Fortunately, I’m only 29 years old. You’ll understand when you read the letter.

 

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

 

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

 

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can get.

 

Great, as if I didn’t get enough shit already….

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what’s going on. “Playing cards,” she replies. “Who’s your partner?” asked little johnny. “Your father!”

 

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister’s room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. “Playing cards.” “With who?” he asks. “My boyfriend!” she says.

 

A short while later, Little Johnny’s father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny’s room. He knocks on the door and asks “What are you doing?” “Playing cards!” replied Johnny. “Who’s your partner?” asked his father…

 

Little Johnny answers promptly, “With a hand like this who needs a partner?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Ticket

 

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’

 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

 

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde on cruise

 

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special — $75!”

 

So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, “I’d like the $75 cruise special, please.”

 

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

 

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $75 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

 

Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?”

 

The second blonde replies, ”They didn’t last year….”

[worldangel]

Joke: Donkey bet

 

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.

 

He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars.

 

The man say I can do it!

 

So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.

 

About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.

 

The bartender looks at the man and says if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars. The man says ok I’ll do it!

He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes has goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, “How did you make the donkey laugh?”

 

The man looks at the bartender and says, “Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did”.

 

“How did you make him cry?” ask the bartender?

Well I showed him.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The wife came home early

 

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

 

And she was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig’ she cried.
‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I’m leaving you .. I want a divorce right away!’

 

And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’ ‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

 

And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

 

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

 

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t
wear because I don’t have good taste.

 

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’

 

The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…….

.

.

Please ….. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Trevor goes into elevator

 

Trevor goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown”.

 

Trevor just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, “Are you Ok?”

 

In a very weak voice Trevor says, “Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?” The big dude says, “When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I’d give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. “I’m 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown.”

 

Trevor said, “Oh Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn Around’”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pet monkey

 

A man walks in a bar with his pet monkey. He sits down and orders drink, meanwhile the monkey is running around all over the place and jumps up on a pool table. He grabs the 8 ball, shoves it into his mouth and swallows its hole.

“Holy crap!” says the bartender, completely livid. He says to the man, “Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?”

 

“Nope. What did he do this time?” says the man.

“He just swallowed one of the balls off the pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, well I hope it kills him ’cause he’s been driving me nuts” says the man.

After finishing his drink, the man leaves.

 

A few weeks later the man returns to the bar with his monkey. After ordering a drink, the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. Up on the bar, he monkey finds some peanuts. He grabs one out of the bowl, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

 

“Did you see what your stupid monkey did this time?” he asks.

“What now?” responds the man.

 

“He stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the bartender.

“Well, what do you expect?” replied the man. “Ever since he ate that pool ball he measures everything first!”

[worldangel]

Joke: In Heaven

 

One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.

 

The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.

 

A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get married in Heaven. To his surprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”

 

With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out “Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?”

 

 

 

Joke: Fred’s birthday

 

It was Fred’s birthday, and he was considered to be an “old man” by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Fred’s friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

 

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Fred answered, she said “Hi I’m your birthday present!”

 

Startled, he asked “What am I supposed to do with you?”

“I’m yours for super sex,” she answers.

 

So Fred replied “Well, I’m 75 years old so I’ll have the soup.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Sunday morning

 

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bank of America by the balls

 

Little old lady Sue walks into Bank of America and asks to open a savings account. The new accounts receptionist first thinks this is strange, probably because everyone is leaving them for credit unions now. At any rate, the accounts person asks her how much she wanted to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady replies, “Three million dollars.” The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?” and the little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it right here in this bag…”

 

The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. In light of this highly unusual event, the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank involved. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, “Gambling.”

 

“Gambling?”, he says. “What sort of gambling?”

 

“Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 10:1 odds. You got $10,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?” The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn’t get to be the president of Bank of America without knowing a thing or two about money. “I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you… there’s just no way you could win that bet!” The little old lady just shook the bag and said, “I know what I’m doing… and I can afford to lose! Is it a bet?”

 

“OK, have it your way”, said the president, and they shook hands on it.” See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning”, said the little old lady, and with that she left.

 

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president’s office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. “Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?” said the president. “He’s my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?”

 

“No, perfectly understandable”, said the president. “Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he said happily.

“Not so fast!” said the little old lady. “For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please, drop your pants!”

 

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. “OK, you win, here’s your $100,000,” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

 

“What’s wrong with him?” asks the bank president.

“Oh, he’s just upset… sore loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of Bank of America by the balls by noon today!”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: At the gates

 

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

 

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.” The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips.

 

I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from.”

 

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

 

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. “Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. “OK, picture this; I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”

[worldangel]

Joke: The centipede

 

 

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

 

The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”

The owner says, “How about a cat?”

 

The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”

The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”

 

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it looks awesome it is just immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed.

 

He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.

 

The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”

 

Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede.

20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede!

 

He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

 

So he goes to the front door, opens it… and there’s the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!”

The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Drugstore

 

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

 

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

 

Well, he said, I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.

 

Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

 

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

 

The girl leans over and says, You never told me that you were such a religious person.

He leans over to her and says, You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the construction site

 

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. “I am the strongest, most powerful man here,” he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of Hank, one of the older workmen.

 

After several minutes, Hank had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

 

“You’re on old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

 

Hank reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said “All right. Get in.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ten kids

 

 

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

 

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.

 

 But, I must know, did he have a different father?

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses. Yes. Yes he did.

 

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, Who? Who was he? Who was the father?

 

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, You.

[worldangel]

Joke: The knob

 

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob,’ where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman’s head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted ‘The Knob.’

 

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

 

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

 

‘All these years, everything has been working just fine.. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems:

 

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.’

The doctor looked at her closely and said, ‘Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.’

She said, ‘Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Young couple

 

Tina and Jack are on the brink of divorce so they visit a marriage counsellor.

 

The counsellor asks Tina, “What’s the problem?”

 

She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation”

 

The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

 

Jack replies, “Well not exactly, she’s the one that suffers, not me.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Veterinary students

 

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

 

The professor tells the class “In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor – the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.”

 

For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow’s butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just standthere, paralyzed at what they see. “Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you,” the professor says.

 

Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson… “Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow’s butt, and I sucked on my index finger… Now, learn to pay attention.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnant

 

Three women were out to lunch (brunette, red head, and a blonde) and they were all pregnant.

 

The brunette says, “I know what I’m going to have.” The other to asked how she knew. She replied, “well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a boy”.

 

The red head said, “If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.

 

The blonde starts crying and starts screaming, “PUPPIES, PUPPIES!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Latex factory

 

 

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factory where he was just hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in their manufacturing process.

 

On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise, and the shift manager asks his tour guide what it’s doing. “As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise.” he says “The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

 

On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a “hiss.. hiss… hiss-pop” sound during the manufacturing process. “Wait a second,” the future shift manager says, “I know what the hiss, hiss is… but what’s with the ‘pop’ noise every once in a while?”

 

“Oh, that hehe. It’s the same as the baby bottle nipple process.” says the guide… “It pokes a hole in every third condom.”

 

“But that can’t be good for the condoms!” the observant shift manager replied.

“Nah, but it’s really good for the baby bottle nipple business!

[clementi]

Joke: Henry and the Elephant

 

 

In 1988, Henry Duffy was on vacation in Australia after graduating from Southeastern University. During a hike through the Outback, he came across a young elephant standing with one leg raised in the air as if it was in pain.

 

The elephant seemed distressed, so Henry approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Henry worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

 

The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Henry stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Henry never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

 

Twenty years later, Henry was walking through the Atlanta Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Henry and his son Nicolas were standing. The large elephant stared at Henry, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 

Remembering the encounter in 1988, Henry couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Henry summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

 

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Henry’s legs and slammed his dumb ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Johnny knows how to catch

 

 

Johnny and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch. Johnny gets up and goes to the shed in the back yard and takes out some chicken wire. Grandpa says what are you going to do with that? Johnny says, gonna catch me some chickens. It don’t work like that grandpa says. Just watch me replies Johnny.

 

An hour later Johnny returns with two chickens one in each hand. Holy shit thought grandpa, Johnny went back to the shed. This time he has some duck tape. Again granpa asks, What are going to do with that. Johnny says; gonna catch me some ducks. It dont work like that grandpa says. Watch me said Johnny.

 

An hour later here came Johnny with two ducks one in each hand. Holy shit grandpa thought again. Johnny went back to the shed, this time he had a stick. Grandpa asks whatcha gonna do with that? Johnny says some pussywillow. Grandpa says, let me go get my coat!

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Sherlock Holmes

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”

 

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Chastity Belt

 

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

 

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he’d see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

 

A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. “This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

 

“Ah, sire, just observe.” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”

 

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

 

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

 

“Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

 

But Sir Galahad was speechless…

[clementi]

Joke: Cussing

 

 

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

 

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.” WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

 

His Mom locks him in his room and shouts,”You can stay there until I let you out!” She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?” “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Buying food for buddy

 

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Pedigree Dog Food for Buddy, our hunting dog, and was standing in line at Wal-Mart getting ready to check out.

 

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was “where’s your sign lady” but decided to go with it…SO…On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Pedigree Weight Loss Diet again.

 

I said I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital the last time. But that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is; you load your pants pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete… so I was going to try it again.

 

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story to say the least.

Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

She got upset. Made a complaint. WAL-MART asked me not to shop there anymore. It was worth it.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: T-G-I-F

 

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, “T-G-I-F.”

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”

 

She looked puzzled and repeated, “T-G-I-F,” more slowly.

He again answered, “S-H-I-T.”

 

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F.”

The man smiled back to her and once again, “S-H-I-T.”

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

 

‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday.’ Get it, duuhhh?”

The man answered, “‘S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.’”

[worldangel]

Joke: Fresh from my shower

 

 

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

 

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds”.

 

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

 

I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he says “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

 

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Seeing spots

 

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there.

 

The man complains, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”

 

The receptionist asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor?”

 

The man replies, “No, just spots.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pharmacy clerk

 

A front end clerk in a pharmacy has just been admonished by the owner for missing too many sales. “I’m sorry” the boss says “But one more missed sale and your fired”

 

The next customer that comes in has a terrible cough and asks the problem clerk for help. Unable to recall where the cough remedies are, the nervous clerk points to a box of Ex-Lax and says “Here, buy this then go over to our cooler and take all of it with plenty of water”.

 

The customer thanks him and obliges. Finishing his last glass of water, the customer exits the pharmacy. Once outside he stops, takes a few faltering steps, then hugs a telephone pole. The boss, having witnessed the entire scene, approaches the clerk and asks him what he recommended.

 

“Ex-Lax,” says the clerk hesitantly.
“Ex-Lax !” yells the boss. “That won’t help a cough!”

“Sure it does,” says the clerk. “Look,.. he’s afraid to cough.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Unusual event

 

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

 

Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

 

It began, “Daddy fell into the well last week…” “My goodness!” the teacher exclaimed.

 

“Is he all right?” “He must be,” said the boy. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Corruption

 

 

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”

 

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn’t hear the question.

“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

 

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”

“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Aching tooth

 

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don’t worry it will take just five minutes.

 

Patient: And how much will it cost?

 

Dentist: It’s $90.00.

 

Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???

 

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A doctor, programmer and a lawyer

 

A doctor, a lawyer and a programmer were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: “For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.”

 

The doctor says: “It’s better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.”

 

The programmer says: “You’re both wrong. It’s best to have both so that when the wife thinks you’re with the mistress and the mistress thinks you’re with your wife — you can go to the office and do some work

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The taxidermist

 

This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.

 

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: “You ain’t from around here, are ya… where ya from, boy?”

The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”

 

The bartender asks, “What th’ hell you do in Iowa?”

The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”

 

The bartender asks, “A taxidermist… now just what th’ hell is a taxidermist?”

The guy says, “I mount animals.”

 

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s OK boys, he’s one of us!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Redneck vasectomy

 

 

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide) So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

 

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me — I don’t want to go deaf!”

 

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

 

He held the can up to his ear and began to count, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .”, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand . . .

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New lawyer

 

 

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

 

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

 

“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million..”

 

“Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support..”

“Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details..”

 

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. “I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy.

 

What can I do for you?”

The man replied “I’m from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Taxi passenger

 

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

 

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

 

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much. “The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Blondes

 

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie’s lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, “I will grant three wishes, one for each of you.”

 

The first said, “I wish I were smarter.”

So, she became a redhead.

 

The second blonde said, “I wish I were smarter than she is.”

She became a brunette.

 

The third blond ordered, “I wish I were smarter than both of them!”

So, she became a man.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pigs

 

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

 

The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that when pregnant, they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs.

 

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

 

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

 

The next morning, he was woken up by his wife shaking him and saying “Wake up Dear, the pigs are acting strangely!”. “What do you mean?” he asked excitedly, “Are they wallowing in the mud?” “No, ” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Revenge

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

 

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lonely man

 

A lonely man was thinking of a way to meet a woman to marry.

 

He researched mail order wives, but it was to much money for him.

 

So he tried a simple ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”

 

The next day he received a hundred letters.

 

 

They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tennis elbow

 

A man complained to his friend “My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor.” “Don’t do that,” volunteered his friend “there’s a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment.”

 

The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

 

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

 

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.

 

He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

 

Your tap water has lead.
Get a filter.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs.
Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant.
It’s not your baby – get a lawyer.

And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

[worldangel]

Joke: Lipstick

 

According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem.

 

A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

 

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

 

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.

 

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

 

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

[worldangel]

Joke: Addiction to cigars

 

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. “When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can’t tell which one it is.

 

 

The aversion is obvious: you won’t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar.” “Thanks doc, I’ll try it.” And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. “What? My recommendation didn’t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!”

 

 

“Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction,” said the patient. “What in the hell is that supposed to mean?” “Well, I don’t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can’t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass…”

[clementi]

Joke: Drink-fault finding guide

 

A solution to all of your drinking troubles

 

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

 

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

 

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

 

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog – After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

 

Symptom: Bar blurred.

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

 

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high – maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

 

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar – if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

 

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

 

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

 

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.

Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time – if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

[clementi]

Joke: Sisters and the bulls

 

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

 

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

 

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.” The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”

 

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word,’ comfortable’.”

 

The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word comfortable’?”

 

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow.”

[clementi]

Joke: The frog

 

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: “Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”

 

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a stockbroker!”

 

The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!”