Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Expensive fishing trip

 

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.

They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

 

They spend a fortune.

 

The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

 

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”

 

The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Labour pains

 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.

 

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

 

The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

 

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

 

She and her husband were ecstatic.

 

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

[clementi]

Joke: Old couple

 

There’s an old couple, both in their 70′s, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They’re sitting in a pub and he says to her, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind.”

“Yes, she says, I remember it well.” she replies.

 

“OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?”

Smiling his wife responds, “Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers.”

 

There’s a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I’ve got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She’s yelling Ohhh God! He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life.

 

 

This is the most awesome athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

 

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.

 

 

As the couple pass, the guy says to them, “That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?”

 

“No, there’s no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn’t electrified.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Olives

 

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar.

 

Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

 

“Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!”

 

“What’s so peculiar about it?” the bartender said. “His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”

[clementi]

Joke: Mental Hospital
  
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because he now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you proved yourself to be sound of mind.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nun

 

A nun is undressing for a bath and while she’s standing naked, there’s a knock at the door. The nun calls, “Who is it?”

 

A voice answers, “A blind salesman.”

 

The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she’s naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says, “Uhhhh, well hello there, can I sell you a blind, dearie…?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old lady’s hat

 

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.

 

 

A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?” “Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”

 

 

“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

 

 

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead rooster

 

Mark was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.

Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

 

 

Shaken, Mark pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell.

 

 

A farmer appeared. Mark somewhat nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.”

 

“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “the hens are round the back.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ted at the supermarket

 

Ted goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

 

So he says, ‘Do you know me?’ To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’

 

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???’

 

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Story about my kid

 

My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.

 

So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

 

He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

 

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the hotel

 

“And will there be anything else, sir?” the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

“No thank you,” the gentleman replied. “That will be all.”

 

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. “Anything for your wife ?” he asked.

 

“Yeah! That’s a good idea,” the fellow said. “Please bring up a postcard.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Girls night out

 

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.

 

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

 

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Impossible to please

 

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

 

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

 

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

 

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

 

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Critically ill

 

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?”

 

“It’s $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?”

 

“That’s my business! Get me the course!”

 

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

 

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “please, before it’s too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?”

 

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer . . .”

[clementi]

Joke: Lawyer Story of the Year

 

 

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.  A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigar were lost "in a series of small fires."  The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!  With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.  (Is there such an organization?)

ONLY IN AMERICA .....

[clementi]

Joke: The Proud Fathers...

 

 

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. 

 

The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. 

 

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, married, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"

 

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, married, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded." 

 

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, married, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio." 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: One Word or two

 

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

 

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied. 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Are you hungry?

 

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

 

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

 

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

 

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

 

He declines again.

 

"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

 

"Well," she says,  

"Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 6^th Grade Class

 

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny,Tony?”

 

“I just saw one of your garters!”

“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days!”

 

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Ken?”

 

“I just saw both of your garters!”

 

Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don’t want to see you for three weeks!”

 

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

 

“Where do you think you’re going?” she asks.

“From what I just saw, my school days are over!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old wife’s tale

 

Jimmy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Jimmy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him.

 

After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Jimmy to the doctor.

After the examination, the doctor said, “His unit is too small. An old wives’ tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight.”

 

The next morning Jimmy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

 

“Mom!” Jimmy yells. “The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast.”

“I know.” said his mother. “The other ten are for your father”

[worldangel]

Joke: At dinner

 

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

 

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

 

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Helpful wife

 

William is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

 

William: What’s the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

 

William: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. Confess were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

 

Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

William: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!

 

Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

 

Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

William: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

 

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

William: Shut your mouth, woman!

 

Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Revenge

 

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife’s annoyance.

 

“You’ll fart your guts out one of these days,” she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy’s arse.

 

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

 

“You was right all along Missus,” the old man says, “I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push ‘em back in!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New secretary

 

 

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

“Hey, bud, how are ya?”

 

“I’m good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!”

“Well, I’m glad you like her. Believe it or not, she’s a robot!

“No way, how could that be?”

 

“Way! She’s the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that’s not all, she can have sex, too!”

“Holy shit! You’re kidding, right?”

 

“No, she’s something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her”

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming “Eeeeyaaaa! Heeeelp Oooooh! Aaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeaaargghhh!”

 

The guy says, “Shit! I forgot to tell him her anus is a pencil sharpener!”

[worldangel]

Joke: One wish

 

One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

 

The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one.”
The man thought for a minute and said, “I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.”

 

The genie thought for a minute and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”

 

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand the girl I’m dating. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?”

 

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Burglar

 

Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

 

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

 

“No, no no!” said Tom. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bubba & Billy Bob

 

Two rednecks, Bubba And Billy Bob, were walking through a pasture. Bubba sees a sheep caught up in a fence and says to Billy Bob “I’m gonna get me some of that”!

 

Bubba goes over and sticks the sheep’s back feet in his rubber boots, unzips his pants and starts to have sex with the sheep.

 

He looks over his shoulder at Billy Bob and says “Do you want some of this”? Billy Bob replies “yes let me see if I can get my shirt caught up in the fence”.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde stewardess

 

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

 

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

 

The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Camel questions

 

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?”

 

The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand”.

 

“OK” said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?”

 

“They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert”, “Thanks Mom” replies the son.

 

After a short while, the son returns and asks, “Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??”

 

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, “They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without eating for long periods.”

 

“That’s great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store fat.

 

But Mom”, “Yes son?”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Disabled swimming contest

 

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool

 

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

 

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

 

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

 

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: “Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Stuff she doesn’t use anymore

 

Carrie arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Victor, in bed with another woman. “That’s it!” she screamed, “I’m leaving and I’m not coming back!”

“Wait honey,” Victor pleaded, “Can’t you at least let me explain?”

“Fine, let’s hear your story,” Carrie replied.

 

“Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing,” explained Victor.

 

“I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn’t fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn’t serve to me.”

 

“Then,” Victor continued, “I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use anymore?’”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Brain transplant

 

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

 

 

“I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces, “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”

 

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?” The Doctor quickly responded, “$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.”

 

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more?”

 

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve been used.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wake-up call

 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to New York. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5.00 am.”

 

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed … it said… “It is 5.00am; wake up.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex After Death...

 

A couple made a deal  that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

 

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at  all.

After a long life  together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion, Marion."

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!  What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.

 

I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

 

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times..

 

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud – lots of greens). 

 

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

 

After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then  the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob!  Are you in Heaven?"

"No... I'm a rabbit somewhere in  Arizona."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old lady in court

 

Defense Attorney: 
Will you please state your age? 

Old Lady: 
I am 94 years old. 

Defense Attorney: 
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? 

Old Lady: 
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,  when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. 

Defense Attorney: 
Did you know him? 

Old Lady: 
No, but he sure was friendly. 

Defense Attorney: 
What happened after he sat down? 

Old Lady: 
He started to rub my thigh. 

Defense Attorney: 
Did you stop him? 

Old Lady: 
No, I didn't stop him. 

Defense Attorney: 
Why not? 

Little Old Lady: 
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died.
Some 30 years ago. 

Defense Attorney: 
What happened next? 

Old Lady: 
He began to rub all over of my body. 

Defense Attorney: 
Did you stop him then? 

Old Lady: 
No, I did not stop him. 

Defense Attorney: 

Why not? 

Old Lady: 
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. 
I haven't felt that good in years! 

Defense Attorney: 
What happened next? 

Old Lady: 
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down 
and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! ' 

Defense Attorney: 
Did he take you? 

Old Lady: 
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gardening with Grandma

 

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

 

The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother That she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

 

Happy Gardening. 

 

(This is too funny not to share!)

Don't mess with a Senior Citizen!

[worldangel]

Joke: Old man (I can not!)

 

An elderly man was having a calm walk when he happens to pass a brothel.

 

One of the prostitutes calls out: "Hey Grandpa!  Why don't you try ? 
  
The old man replies: "No, my child, I cannot!" 
  
The prostitute: "Cheer up !!! Let us try !!!" 
  
The elderly man enters and performs like a 25 year old 
  
The prostitute says: "Oh Gosh! And you still say you cannot" 
  
The old man replies:  - "Aaah, sex I can, what I cannot is pay!"

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Important horse race

 

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

 

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

 

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers ‘Aleeee ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens–the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

 

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

 

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this horse. What is he – deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, “Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf–he’s BLIND!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Female Comebacks

 

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

 

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

 

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

 

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

 

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

 

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

 

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

 

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

 

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Men wearing an earring

 

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative guy and is curious about his sudden change in ‘fashion sense.’

 

The man walks up to him and says, ‘I didn’t know you were into earrings.’

‘Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,’ he replies sheepishly.

 

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

 

“Ever since my wife found it in my car.”

 

(I always wondered how this trend got started.)

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Ex

 

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

 

The husband asks “I notice you’ve been watching that guy for some time now. Do you know him?”

 

“Yes” she replies. “He’s my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”

 

 

“That’s awesome” the husband replies. “I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The whole truth

 

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

 

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

 

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

 

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

 

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Amish in the mall

 

An Amish boy named Abram and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

 

Abram asked, “What is this, Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

 

While Abram and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, ugly old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

 

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

 

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 23-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to Abram, “Go get your mother.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tennis ball

 

 

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

 

 

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

 

A Blonde Girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

“What’s that ?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

 

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Oh,” said the Blonde Girl sympathetically, “That must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Turning 100 years old

 

There were these twin sisters just turning 100 years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper, “The Daily Bugle”, told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin ladies.

 

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

 

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAID, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”, said the other.

 

“Now get a little closer together”, said the cameraman. Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE!” So they wiggled up close to each other.

 

“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little”, said the photographer. Yet again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS HE’S JUST GONNA FOCUS!”

 

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, “OH MY GOD – BOTH OF US?”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Duck hunting

 

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.

 

The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.

 

 

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kansas duck. This duck’s from Arkansas. You got an Arkansas license?”

 

 

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Arkansas duck. This here duck’s from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin’ license?”

 

 

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?

 

 

“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Experiment

 

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

 

 

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

 

 

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…

“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

[clementi]

Joke: Opening an account

 

Dugly guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a freakin’ checking account.”

 

To which the bank teller replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you just say?”

“God damn it, listen up lady, I said I want to open a freakin’ checking account right now.”

 

“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!” The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

 

They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”

“There’s no damn problem,” Dugly says, “I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin checking account in this damn bank!”

 

“I see sir,” the manager said, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

[clementi]

Joke: Smart rooster

 

This farmer had an old rooster and he thought it might be time to get a new young rooster to service his hens. He got himself a new rooster and let him loose with the old rooster.

 

The young rooster went right over to the old rooster and challenged him to a fight. The old rooster said, “Sonny, I’m too old to fight. Just follow me around, and I’ll show you the place.”

 

The young rooster agreed and started to follow the old rooster around. The old rooster showed him the barn, then the hen house…then started to run. The young rooster thought the old rooster was trying to pull a quick one, so he chased after him madly.

 

All of a sudden, there came a loud “Bang!” and there stood the farmer, muttering “Dangit, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve had to kill this month.”

 

[nicenewyorker]

u guys r too awesome, this forum made me laugh happy