Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The whole truth

 

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

 

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

 

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

 

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

 

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Stranded on an island

 

 

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

 

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

 

The blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back.

[worldangel]

Joke: First surgery

 

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

 

The second kid says, “I’m getting my tonsils out, and I’m afraid.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.

 

They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

 

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “Circumcision.”

 

“Whoa!” the second kid replies, “Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn’t walk for a year.”

[worldangel]

Joke: At the local bar

 

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

 

“Lou,” says the shocked friend, “what are you doing? I’ve known you for over fifteen years, and I’ve never seen you take a drink before. What’s going on?”

 

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, “My wife just ran off with my best friend.”

 

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

“But,” says the other man, “I’m your best friend!”

 

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, “Not anymore! He is!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hunting flies

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

 

 

“Hunting Flies.” He responded.

“Oh! Are you killing any?” She asked.

 

 

“Yep, 3 males, 2 females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked ….. “How can you tell them apart?”

 

 

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Muscular man

 

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can’t help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ”You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?”

 

The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times. ”One day,” he begins, ”I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.”

”No sh*t?” says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

 

”Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.”’

”Keep going!”

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ”You now have three wishes.”

 

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ”I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.” She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ”What will be your second wish?”

”What next?” begged the bartender.

 

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ”I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.” She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

 

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ”You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?”

I looked at her and replied, ”How ’bout a little head?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Heaven

 

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the scene, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”

 

A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”

Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”

“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”

“What do you do all day?” asked Martha.

 

“Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”

 

Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?” “Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.”

“Well, then, where are you?”

“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Interviewing lawyers

 

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

 

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”

 

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

 

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Definitely

 

Nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘Definitely’ in a sentence?”

First a little girl says “The sky is definitely blue”

 

Teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange…”

Second little boy…”Trees are definitely green”

“Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.”

 

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

“Does a fart have lumps?”

 

The teacher looks horrified and says “Johnny! Of course not!!!”

“OK…then I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants..

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mexican delicacy

 

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico City.

 

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

“What is that you just served?” he asked the waiter.

 

“Ah senor, you have excellent taste!” the waiter replied. “Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!’

“What the heck, bring me an order.”

 

“I am so sorry senor,” the waiter replied. “There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”

 

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter.

 

“These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

 

The waiter shrugged his shoulders.

“Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins…”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Llyod and the Donkey

 

A city boy, Lloyd, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, so early in the morning he drove over to Lloyd’s.

 

Farmer: “Sorry son, I have some bad news, the donkey died.”

Lloyd: “Well then, just give me my money back.”

Farmer: “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

 

Lloyd: “OK then, just unload the donkey.”

Farmer: “What ya gonna do with him?”

Lloyd: “I’m going to raffle him off.”

 

Farmer: “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

Lloyd: “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month later the farmer met up with Lloyd.

 

Farmer: “What happened with that dead donkey?”

Lloyd: “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.”

 

 

Farmer: “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Lloyd: “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

Lloyd grew up and eventually became CEO of Goldman Sachs!

 

[clementi]

Joke: The camel

 

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks.

 

He asked the sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?” The sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel.”

 

The captain said, “Well, if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me.” After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!”

 

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain’s quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

 

The sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”

[clementi]

Joke: One free wish

 

A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

 

Man says: please make my dog win the next dog race.

 

 

Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.

 

The man says: “Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area. Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.

 

Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says: “Could I please have another look at the dog???”

[worldangel]

Joke: Newlyweds

 

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor… “I can’t figure it out doc, and I’m really worried,” said the husband. “My testicles are turning blue.”

 

“That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor. “Let me examine you.”

 

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck’s testicles are blue. The doctor turns to the wife. “Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?”

“Yes, I am,” she replied.

 

“And what kind of jelly are you using with it?”

“Grape”

[worldangel]

Joke: The dentist

 

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

 

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his pants and washes his hands again.

 

The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”

“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”

 

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”

 

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”

 

“Didn’t feel a thing!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Eating grass

 

 

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men “Why are you eating the grass?” “We don’t have money for food,” the poor man replied.

 

“Oh, come along with me then,” instructed the lawyer.

The man answered “But sir, I have a wife and two children!

“Bring them along” replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, “Come with us.”

 

“But sir, I have a wife and six children?” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well!” replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo.

 

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall.”

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Constipation

 

 

Phil was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, “I’m going to give you some suppositories. I’ll insert one now, and then I’ll give you another one for later this evening.”

 

Later that evening, Phil asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, Phil shrieks, “AAaahhhhh!”

 

“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” she asks.

 

 

“No… I just realized that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Last day of school

 

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist’s daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.

The teacher said, “I’ll bet these are flowers!”

 

The girl replied, “How did you know?”

“Just a lucky guess,” she said.

 

Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “Just a lucky guess.”

 

Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box’s corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine.

 

The boy said, “No.”

She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.

 

Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.

He said happily,”A puppy!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Making him vomit

 

 A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other.

 

“So what’s going on here?” he asks.

The biker replies, “My mate here has had too much to drink and I’m trying to make him vomit.”

 

The cop says, “I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT.”

The biker replies, “That’s what I’m going to do next!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Aeroplane

 

Dugly and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Dugly would say, “I’d like to ride in that aeroplane.” And every year his wife would say, “I know, Dugly, but that aeroplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.” This one year Dugly and his wife went to the fair and Dugly said, “I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance.”

 

“That aeroplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”, replied his wife.

 

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”

Dugly and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Dugly, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

 

Dugly replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I like your thinking

 

A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny. ”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”

 

 

The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

 

 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

 

 

”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on…but I like your thinking.’

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Laundry

 

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”

 

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”

 

The laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: “I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Severe disease

 

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die:

 

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a happy mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

 

“Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.

 

“And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 8 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Side effects

 

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ”Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”

 

The doctor reassured her, ”A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”

 

”On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about…,” replied the lady.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Pirates

 

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”

 

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

 

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred.

 

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?”

 

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.” The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

 

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed,

 

“Bring me my brown pants!”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mr Rollins

 

Mr. Rolins is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

 

Mr. Rolins replies, “I am on my way to a very long lecture about alcohol abuse and smoking and the effects it has on the human body”

 

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

Mr. Rolins replies, “That would be my wife.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost in hot-air balloon

 

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

 

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

 

You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

 

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

 

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

 

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

[worldangel]

Joke: While talking to the girl

 

 “Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?”

 

“No, what?”

 

“Yea, I figured you were in the first group.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Re-stocking the vegetables

 

A grocer is restocking the vegetables when a woman taps him on the shoulder and says “Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?”

 

The man replies “Well ma’am we’re out of broccoli today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then.” The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks “Sir, I was wondering where I could find the broccoli?”

 

Confused, the grocer says “Well ma’am we are out of broccoli today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow.”

 

The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks “Pardon me, but do you know where the broccoli is?”

 

The grocer looks at her angrily and says “Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” The woman replies “D-O-G” “Okay” says the grocer. “Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?” “C-A-T” says the woman. “Perfect” the grocer replies. “Now how do you spell fuck, like in broccoli?” Confused, the woman says “But, there is no fuck in broccoli.”

The grocer says “THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YA LADY! THERE’S NO FUCKIN’ BROCCOLI!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Horse & Chicken

 

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can’t be found.

 

So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking. A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says: “I think I can get you out.”

 

So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: “Grab hold of my ‘thing’ and pull yourself up.”

 

The chicken does this and is pulled to safety.

 

Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[worldangel]

Joke: Tennis Elbow

 

Two guys are playing tennis. After they finish their game, one turns to the other and tells his friend his elbow really hurts. His friend tells him to go down to the local pharmacy.

 

At the pharmacy they have a machine where you put in $5 and a urine sample, and the machine will tell you what’s wrong and how to cure it. The friend is astonished so he goes down. He puts in the $5 and a urine sample and the machine prints out a little sheet of paper.

 

On the paper it says: You have tennis elbow, rest your elbow, stay away from strenuous activity, and it should go away. This guy is amazed. He drives home quickly, thinking he can test the machine.

 

So, he grabs a big glass. He puts some tap water in, gets his wife and daughter to pee in it, and just for fun he masturbates into it. He goes back down puts in $5 and the sample.

 

A large list prints out. It says: You have hard water get, a water softener, your daughter is addicted to heroin, get her into rehabilitation centre, your wife is cheating on you, get a lawyer, and if you don’t quit masturbating your tennis elbow is never going to go away.

 

Joke: Tennis Elbow

 

Two guys are playing tennis. After they finish their game, one turns to the other and tells his friend his elbow really hurts. His friend tells him to go down to the local pharmacy.

 

At the pharmacy they have a machine where you put in $5 and a urine sample, and the machine will tell you what’s wrong and how to cure it. The friend is astonished so he goes down. He puts in the $5 and a urine sample and the machine prints out a little sheet of paper.

 

On the paper it says: You have tennis elbow, rest your elbow, stay away from strenuous activity, and it should go away. This guy is amazed. He drives home quickly, thinking he can test the machine.

 

So, he grabs a big glass. He puts some tap water in, gets his wife and daughter to pee in it, and just for fun he masturbates into it. He goes back down puts in $5 and the sample.

 

A large list prints out. It says: You have hard water get, a water softener, your daughter is addicted to heroin, get her into rehabilitation centre, your wife is cheating on you, get a lawyer, and if you don’t quit masturbating your tennis elbow is never going to go away.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Sumbich

 

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

 

He also invited Dugly, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Dugly was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

 

At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Dugly in the pool!

 

Dugly was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Dugly was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

 

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Dugly and the gator were screaming and raising heck.

 

Finally Dugly strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Dugly then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

 

Finally the host says, ‘Well, Dugly, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’

‘No, that’s okay. I don’t want It,’ said Dugly.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?

 

No thanks, I don’t want it,’ answered Dugly.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’ Again Dugly said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Dugly, then what do you want?’

 

Dugly said, ‘I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!’

[clementi]

Joke: Flies

 

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

 

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

 

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said ”Well yeah, if that’s what they are never heard of circle flies.”

 

So the farmer says, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

 

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

 

The farmer says, “Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

 

The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Oklahoma fan

 

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school”.

 

 

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, “Go talk to mother”.

Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his mother.

“Mom?”

“Yes son?”

 

 

“I’ve decided I’m going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey”.

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, “Go talk to your father!”

 

Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.

“Dad?”

“Yes son?”

 

“I’ve decided I’m going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey”.

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!”

 

About half an hour later they’re all back in the car and heading towards home.

The father turns to his son and says “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today?”

The son says, “Yes, Dad, I have.”

 

“Good son, what is it?”

To which the son replied, “I’ve only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour and I already hate you Texas bastards.”

[clementi]

Joke: Naming of Twins

 

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.

 

 

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

 

 

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.

 

But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”

 

The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”

Whereupon, his brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”

 

 

The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”

The brother winked and replied, “Denephew.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Class lesson

 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..”

 

“Yes,” the class said.

 

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

 

Little Johnny shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Work vs Prison

 

 

IN PRISON…You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK….You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

 

IN PRISON…You get three meals a day.
AT WORK….You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

 

IN PRISON…You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK….You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

 

IN PRISON…A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK….You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

 

IN PRISON…You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK….You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

 

IN PRISON…You get your own toilet.
AT WORK….You have to share.

 

IN PRISON…They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK….You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

 

IN PRISON…All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK….You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

 

IN PRISON…You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK….You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

 

IN PRISON…There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK….They are called supervisors

[worldangel]

Joke: Conversation

 

A bus stop and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

 

 

“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

 

 

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Imma just tellun my friend to spella Mississippi.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ice fishing

 

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary “tools” together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

 

After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.

 

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

 

 

She stopped, looked skyward and said, “Is that you Lord?”

The voice replied, “No … this is the Ice-Rink Manager….”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two psychiatrists

 

Two psychiatrists James & Author were at a convention.

 

As they conversed over a drink, one asked, “What was your most difficult case?”

The other replied, “I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney.

 

He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years.”

“What was the result?”

 

“It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lonely island

 

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely…

 

 

The pig starts to look more and more attractive – soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

 

 

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.

 

Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”

 

The guy thinks for a minute and says, “Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Suzy

 

Little Suzy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Suzy?”

 

 

“My goldfish died,” replied Suzy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

 

 

Suzy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk fools

 

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: “You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.” The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

 

 

The 2nd Man says: “What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen.”

1st Man: “No, it’s true let me prove it to you.” So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

 

 

The 2nd Man tells him: “You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.”

 

 

1st Man: “No, I’ll prove it again” and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

 

 

2nd Man: “Well what the heck, it works, I’ll try it.” So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’

 

 

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

“You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Steve

 

The Marine Drill Instructor noticed a new recruit and barked at him, ‘Get your ass over here ! What’s your name?”

 

“Steve,” the new recruit replied.

 

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bull-shit they’re teaching in boot camp today, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the sergeant scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only — Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as ‘Sergeant.’ Do I make myself clear?”

 

“Yes, sir, Sergeant!”

 

“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”

The recruit sighed “Darling, My name is Steve Darling.”

“Okay, Steve, here’s what I want you to do …..”

[worldangel]

Joke: At the pharmacy

 

Jason is getting ready for his date

 

He realizes he has no condoms left

 

So, he goes down to his local Pharmacy

 

Jason says I’ll need a 3 pack of condoms please.

 

 

Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that sir?

 

 

Jason: Nah… She ain’t that ugly.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The old cowhand

 

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

 

“Howdy, stranger…”

“Howdy, Sheriff…”

 

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don’t shine.He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

 

“Hold on, Mister…”

“Sheriff?”

“Did I just see what I think I just saw?”

“Reckon you did, Sheriff…I got me some powerful chapped lips…”

 

“And that cures them?”

“Nope, but it keeps me from biting em.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Paul

 

Paul was in a terrible accident at work. He fell from scaffolding and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

 

One day, Paul decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plxa Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

 

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Paul asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.”

 

Paul got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.”

 

Paul again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Paul was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

“Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Paul was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

 

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How to put 7 holes into 1 hole

 

Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.

 

Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.

“Look,” said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little “zero.”

 

“This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.”

 

“Aaaaaaahhhhhh,” said the children.

The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, “Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole.

 

“Hmmmm,” he thought, “How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I’ll be darned; I don’t know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?”

 

“Yes,” said Little Johnny, “You take a flute and shove it up your ass!”

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 Mice

 

3 mice are sitting around drinking at a mouse bar and start talking about how tough they each are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says “I’m so tough, every morning I wake up and go around the house, take the cheese from the mousetraps, and bust out 50-100 reps on each one.”

 

Second mouse says “ahh, that’s nothing,” slams a shot, and proceeds “I’m so tough that every morning, I go around the house and collect all the rat poison pellets and crumble them up and sprinkle that shit on my breakfast cereal.”

 

The third mouse just sits there quietly, drinks his shot, then starts to leave. The other two look at him and pry “well, what about you? Not man enough to hang with us?” The third mouse casually replies “I don’t have time for these childish games. I have to get home and fuck the cat.”

[worldangel]

Joke: In heaven

 

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gates.

St. Peter calls up the first man. He says, “Heaven’s a big place. I’ll give you a car. How nice the car is will depend on your faithfulness to your spouse on Earth. You were not very faithful. I will give you a station wagon.”

 

St. Peter calls up the second man. He says the same thing. He gives the man a midsize car, because the man was pretty faithful to his spouse.

 

St. Peter calls up the third man. He repeats what he said before and gives this man a Ferrari because he was very faithful to his spouse.

 

One week later, the three men all meet each other at a stop light in heaven. The first 2 men notice that the third, in his Ferrari, is crying. They ask him why.

 

He replies, “I just passed my wife. She was riding a skateboard.”