Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Raisin bread

 

A general store hires a young female clerk with a fondness for very short skirts.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

 

“I’d like some raisin bread, please,” the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which, of course, happens to be located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

 

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Right away, another guy asks for raisin bread and, then, each guy in turn is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

 

After more than a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring down at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

 

“Is yours raisin too?” the clerk yells testily.

“No,” croaks the old man feebly, “But it’s starting to twitch.”

[worldangel]

Joke: All abroad

 

 

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her young son.

 

He was playing with his new electric train, in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!

 

And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

 

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house.

 

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

 

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

 

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

We hope you will ride with us again soon.”

 

She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.

Remember, there is no smoking on the train.

 

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cowboy

 

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”

Rancher: “This dog don’t talk!”

 

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin alright”

 

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)”

Dog: “Yep.”

 

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

 

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

 

 

Rancher: “Horses don’t talk!”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it goin?”

 

 

Horse: “Cool.” Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)

 

 

Horse: “Yep.” Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

 

 

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?”

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk) …… “Th-Th-Them sheep ain’t nothin but liars!!!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Open & Shut

 

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds.”

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.

 

“Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.”

 

He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.

 

“Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!”

“Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sharks attacking

 

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds.”

 

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.

“Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.”

 

He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.

 

“Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!”

“Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Genie

 

A young woman was walking along a deserted beach admiring the sunset when she noticed a lamp partially buried in the sand. She picked up the lamp and brushed the sand off. To her surprise a Genie appeared in front of her. The Genie said “You’ve got one wish, make it snappy”

 

The young woman said “I thought Genies gave 3 wishes”. “Not since the GFC, so what is your wish” said the Genie. The young woman pulled out a map of the middle- east from her back pack. “See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in Peace” she said.

 

The Genie studied the map. “WTF that’s impossible, try another wish” the Genie grunted. Well said the young woman ” I want a perfect man, one who is kind, compassionate, gentle who likes children and housework, loves to cook and will help clean the house even if the Super Bowl is on”.

 

The Genie stares at the young woman and finally says “Show me that fucking map again”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Rodney Jokes

 

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

 

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

 

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

 

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache!

 

 

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

 

 

The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

 

 

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

 

 

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

 

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Three tough mice

 

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lay on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”

 

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, “Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.” The two then turn to the third mouse.

 

The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullsh*t. Gotta go home and have sex with the cat.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: 6^th grade question

 

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Keller, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” No one answered until little Wendy stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

 

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Keller ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

 

Little Wendy’s mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!”

 

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?” Finally, Tommy stood up, looked around nervously and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

 

Mrs. Keller said, “Very good, Tommy,” then turned to Wendy and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn’t read your homework; and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sneezing

 

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

 

The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

 

Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more than before.

At this, the man said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay?

 

“I’m sorry if I disturbed you,” the woman replied, “but I have a very rare medical condition – whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

 

“I’ve never heard of that condition,” the man said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

“Yes,” the woman said. “Pepper.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hearing problems

 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

 

The gentleman replied, “Oh , I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband & Wife texting

 

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

 

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

 

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

 

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I’m on the toilet. Please advise.

[worldangel]

Joke: Cowboy Bob

 

Cowboy Bob walks into a bar and after two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay Bar.

What the heck,’ he says to himself, ‘I really want a drink.’

 

 

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, ‘What’s the name of your manhood?’

 

Cowboy Bob says, ‘Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a Drink.’

 

 

The gay waiter says, ‘I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you Tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the Slogan ‘Just Do It.’

 

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because ‘It Really Satisfies.’

Cowboy Bob looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

 

 

So Cowboy Bob asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, ‘Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?’

 

 

The man looks back and says with a smile, ‘TIMEX.’

The thirsty cowboy asks, ‘Why Timex?’

 

The fella proudly replies, ‘Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on Tickin!’

A little shaken, Cowboy Bob turns to two fella’s on his right, who Happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, ‘So, what do you guys call yours?’

 

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, ‘FORD, because ‘Quality is Job One’.’ Then he adds, ‘Have you driven a Ford lately?’ The guy next to him then says, ‘I call mine CHEVY…..’Like a Rock!’… And gives a wink!

 

Even more shaken, Cowboy Bob has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

 

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,’The name of my dikk is SECRET. Now give me a beer.’

 

 

The bartender begins to pour Cowboy Bob a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, ‘Why Secret?’

 

 

Cowboy Bob says, ‘Because it’s’ STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!

 

[clementi]

Joke: Passion for beans

 

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself “She’ll never go for me carrying on like that,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

 

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

 

Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he ‘putt-putted’. He ‘putted’ down one hill and ‘putt-putted’ up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

 

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

 

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and ‘rrriiiipppp!’ It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

 

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

 

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “Surprise!!” To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Up at the pearly gate

 

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a metal band shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

 

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

 

The guy replies, “I’m Johnny Spluck, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom.”

 

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Miller, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”

 

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

 

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter.

“While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Queen’s escapade

 

There once lived a king and a queen who ruled a large kingdom. The king was short in vital parts and the queen had to seek solace with every Dick, Tom and Harry.

After some time the king grew suspicious of the queen’s escapades and wanted to punish the subjects willing to risk their lives for a fling with her.

 

He sought the services of his court magician to help identify the culprits. The magician built an invisible contraption that was attached to the queen’s waist. The mechanism was simple, it would slice any elongated object that ventured anywhere within an inch of the queen’s waist.

 

Having set his trap the king set off on a hunting trip and returned to his palace after spending a sleepless week and burning with curiosity.

 

Immediately after his arrival he summoned the queen’s private bodyguards to his foyer and having dispatched all attendants ordered them to undress. All of them had lost their penises! He next summoned the palace guards and the result was the same. By mid-afternoon he realized that there was not a single male soul in the vicinity who had not made a valiant attempt only to be left peniless (pun).

 

The only man left was his minister and to his surprise the king, on inspection found the only man who had a penis left on him!

Pleased with his minister’s loyalty he asked him as to what punishment would befit all the others and in reply received only a blubbering sound from the minister’s mouth.

[clementi]

Joke: Photographer

 

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

 

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

 

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!” The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

 

The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”

 

“Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”

 

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

[clementi]

Joke: Fun time in programming class

 

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.

 

The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, “Leave me alone!” They both jumped back, silenced. “Whaaa??” the teacher blubbered.

 

Then I typed, “I said leave me alone!” The kid got really upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and the PC went on for an amazing five minutes.

 

Me: “Don’t touch me!”

Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”

Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc.

 

Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realised what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

[worldangel]

Joke: At the bus stop

 

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket.

 

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus’ first step.

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step.

 

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

 

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, “How dare you touch my body!! I don’t even know who you are!!!!”

 

At this the Texan drawled: “Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was friends.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk on the floor

 

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a pub and fell flat on his face onto the hardwood floor.

 

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled out the back to the pub’s patio.

 

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first onto the patio floor.

“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

 

The next morning, his wife found him outsite sleeping on the porch floor.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

 

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Mohawk

 

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.
He’s got spiked, multicolored hair that’s green, purple, and orange.
His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
His legs are bare and he’s without shoes.

His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

 

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:
“What are you looking at you old fart… didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were young?”

 

Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
“Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and made love with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car accident

 

Three friends Ted, Tom, & Bill die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked, “When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

 

Ted says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

 

Tom says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

 

Bill replies, “I would like to hear them say, ‘LOOK! HE’S MOVING!’”

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

Little Johnny came home from school to see the family’s pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, “Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?”

 

His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so the Heaven can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”

 

“Geee Dad that’s great,” said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!”

 

“What do you mean?” said Dad.

 

“Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,” Heaven I’m coming, I’m coming, If it hadn’t of been for Uncle Carl holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”

[worldangel]

Joke: DUI

 

Ray’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, ‘Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

 

“I can’t, Ray responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test”

 

“Can’t do that either, “Ray responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death”

 

“Ok,”  the cop answers then I will need a urine sample”

 

“Sorry,” says Ray “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low”

“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.”

 

“Can’t do that either” responds Ray.

 

“Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop.

 

“Well, because I’m drunk!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Statues

 

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

 

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “and I’m going to give you a special gift.

I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.”

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking conspiratorially.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great!

Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll poop on it’s head.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hunting Season
 

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway.

 

A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.

Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

 

His friend was amazed. “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known.”

 

The hunter shrugged. “Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Word Game

 

In school Mrs. Rogers was playing a word game with the kids.

She would shout out a letter and then pick on a student, and the student would pick a word that starts with the letter.

 

Mrs. Rogers said the letter “B” and Johnny raised his hand.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he’d say bitch She called on Sally instead. Sally said Ball

Mrs. Rogers said the letter “P”, and Johnny raised his hand again.

 

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he’d say Pussy, she called on Frank, who said paper.

Finally, Mrs. Rogers said the letter “R”, and again Johnny raised his hand.

 

Mrs. Rogers couldn’t think of a bad word that started with “R” so she picked Johnny.

Johnny hesitated and said “Rat” …. “A Big Mother Fucking Rat!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flipping a House

 

Two blonde carpenters Jim and Jack decided to try to flip a house. Jim was installing hardwood floors and Jack was nailing down siding. Jim was done installing the wood floors, so he came outside to check on Jack. He saw Jack reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

 

Jim, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

Jack explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”

 

Jim got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: T-G-I-F

 

 

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.

 

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly “T-G-I-F” another time.

 

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”

 

The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Give me a push

 

It was Christmas Eve. Carl and Holly had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at their local church. They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing by an open fire before retiring to bed.

 

Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on their front door. Carl was very unhappy about this. He went down stairs and noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by disheveled man who was obviously the worse for drink.

 

‘Th’cuse me thur. Will you helpth me with a puth.”

 

“Help you with a push!” said Carl. “You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police! Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!” And slammed the door into the man’s face.

 

He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by his wife.

 

“How could you be so mean and uncharitable.” she said. “Surely this evening’s sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the innkeeper turned Joseph and Mary away on Christmas Eve. Here you are presented with the same situation and you show yourself to be no better than that uncaring man. Shame on you.”

 

Carl was shocked by the relevance of what he had done and was full of remorse. He ran down the stairs and opened the front door, but the man was no longer there. So, he ran down the path to his front gate to see if the man or his car was along the road; but there was no traffic or people at all.

 

On the off-chance that the man might still be around somewhere he shouted loudly. “Hey mister, needing a push, where are you?

 

The unmistakable drunken voice replied immediately. “Over here thur, on the thwing.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Missing Husband

 

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 3 inches tall, brown wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

 

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 5 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”

 

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnant wife

 

80 year old man: My 28 year old wife is pregnant, your opinion Doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story.

A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella, pulls the handle and BANG… The lion drops dead!

 

Old man: That’s impossible; someone else must have shot the lion.

Doctor: MY POINT EXACTLY!

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Screams of pain

 

A girl is standing at The Gates of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

She says to St. Peter, “What’s going on?”

 

He says, “That’s the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos.”

She says, “Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I’d rather go to Hell.”

 

St. Peter says, “In Hell, you’ll be constantly raped and sodomized.”

She says, “That’s okay. I’ve already got holes for that.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Wishes

 

Dougly walks into a bar, when he comes inside he sees Carl sitting by the bar wearing a huge watch, which is way to big to be comfortable.

 

Dougly walks up to him and says “hey Carl, where the hell did you get that watch?”

 

Carl points into the corner and says “do you see the old man sitting in the corner there?”

“Yeah” says Dougly

 

“Well, he can grant wishes” Carl

Dougly gets all excited “like real wishes?”

Carl says “yes, but…”

 

.... but Dougly is exited and doesn’t let Carl finish, runs to the old man sitting in the corner and asks him “do you grant wishes?”

 

“Yes, one wish per person” says the old man

“All right, I wish that my pockets were always full of money” and suddenly Dougly’s pockets start bulging out.

 

Dougly runs to the bar and says the bartender “bartender, get me 2 beers, 2 shots of tequila and a bottle of whiskey”

 

Dougly then reaches into his pockets for his money, but it isn’t money, it’s all gooey “this is honey, but I asked for money”

 

Then Carl says “Do you think I asked for a 12″ inch long clock?”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: After Halloween party

 

Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his Flooring Company‘s Halloween Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

 

Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Joe sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

 

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

 

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Stacy”

 

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Joe asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

 

“Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up all over the wood floors, and got that black eye when you ran into the door”

 

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

 

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: IRS genie

 

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

 

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There’s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

 

“Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS agent.”

“You might as well it looks like your a goner anyway.”

 

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”

 

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, kid, what’s your second wish.”

 

“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

 

“OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: “I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.”

 

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

 

 

The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In love

 

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”

 

“I’m in love,” the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”

“With YOU!” he said.

 

“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”

 

“Oh, don’t worry,” Little Johnny said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Forgotten present

 

One day a father was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and *shock* he hadn’t bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was ‘now or never’, he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

 

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the sales employee. When asked what he’d like, he simply says: “a Barbie Doll”.

The sales employee looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, “So Sir, which Barbie would that be?”

 

The man looks surprised so the sales employee continues, “We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99.”

 

The man can’t help himself and asks, “why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???”

 

“Well Sir, that’s quite obvious!” says the sales employee,

“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s furniture ….

[worldangel]

Joke: Cow at the Vet

 

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

 

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

 

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

 

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

 

They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.”

 

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?”

 

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?”

 

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Illinois.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 5 Floors

 

A group of single girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-storey hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” They want to see what it is about so they go in.

 

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

 

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

 

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

 

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

 

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

 

On that floor they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Crowded in Heaven

 

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.”

 

The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.”

 

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

 

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

 

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

 

“Tell me about the day you died?”, he said to the third man in line.

“OK, picture this, I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator …”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Court Case

 

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.” “It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer. “Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

 

“Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”

 

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!” “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”

 

“But, I did send them.” “What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously. “Yes. That’s how we won the case.” “I don’t understand,” said the lawyer. “It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Junior College

 

Mr. Carter was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl’s junior college. During class one day he asked his student, “Miss Tucker, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”

 

Miss Tucker gasped, and then said, “Mr. Carter, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.

 

“With that she sat down red-faced. Mr. Carter then called on Miss Evens and asked the same question. Miss Evens, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”

 

“Correct,” said Mr. Carter. “And now, Miss Tucker, I have three things to say to you.

One, you have not studied your lesson.

 

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Chemical formula

 

Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “What is the chemical formula for water?”

 

Little Johnny replies, “HIJKLMNO”!!

 

The teacher, puzzled, asks, “What on Earth are you talking about?”

 

Little Johnny replies, “Yesterday you said it was H to O!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two drunks

 

2 Drunks in a pick-up truck are parked on a gravel road when they see the Sheriff pull in behind them.

 

The passenger starts to panic but the driver says “It’s cool man, just chug your beer, rip off the label, stick it on your forehead, and stash the bottle under the seat.”

So the sheriff gets to the truck door and sees 2 drunks with Budweiser labels on their faces.

 

He cocks his brow inquisitively and says “You boys ain’t been drinkin, have you?”.

The driver beams a smile, points to his his forehead and says “Oh no officer, we’re on the patch”.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tennis elbow

 

One day Dugly complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

 

”Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Dugly figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

 

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”

 

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

 

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: “Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Overturned wagon

 

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. “Hey Willis!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon back up.” “That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

 

“Nonsense, come on!” the farmer insisted. “Well, okay,” the boy finally agreed, “but Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

 

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?”

“Under the wagon.

[worldangel]

Joke: At the pharmacy

 

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

 

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription”

[worldangel]

Joke: College Test

 

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

 

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

 

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

 

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

 

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. “This is going to be easy.”

 

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

(For 95 points): Which tire?

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas Eve at the Pearly Gates

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

 

The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”