Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Farmer Accident

 

A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.

 

Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.

 

Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.

 

The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.

 

The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.

The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. “These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!” bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.

 

 

Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. “These pigs are all worthless now! I’ll get nothing for them!” yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.

 

 

The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. “Worthless sheep!” screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.

 

 

Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.

The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. “Are you okay down there?” asked the farmer.

 

 

“NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!” the tourist yelled back.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Eye hurts

 

A blonde says to a brunette, ”Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.”

 

The brunette says, ”Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three wishes

 

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it, and you guessed it, a genie appears.

 

The genie says, “You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much.”

The woman says, “Okay. Give me a nice house.”

 

The genie replies, “You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two.”

Then the lady says, “Give me a gorgeous man.”

 

The genie replies, “You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two.”

 

The lady says, “For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Salesman going home

 

A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario when he sees a foreigner thumbing for a ride on the side of the road.

 

As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the foreigner gets in.

After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. “What’s in bag?”, the foreigner asks the driver.

 

The driver says, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”

 

The foreigner is silent for a moment then says, “Good trade.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Night in the wood barn

 

Greg and Dan were returning from installing hardwood floors in a home several hours away from their shop when they were caught in a sudden snow storm.

 

They pulled into a farm yard, an attractive, middle aged lady answered the door, and they explained their plight and asked if they could spend the night.

 

“Of course,” she answered, “However I am a recent widow and it would not be proper for you to stay in the house, but you can put down some hay and sleep on the floor in the wood barn out back.”

 

They left early the next morning, the storm had passed. Greg never thought anymore about the incident until nine months later when he got a letter from the widow’s attorney.

 

He confronted his partner Dan the next morning at their shop, “Remember when we had to sleep on the floor in that barn during that storm last winter, you didn’t happen to visit the widow during the night and use my name instead of yours, did you?”

 

“Uh, actually I did,” Dan admitted looking a little sheepish, “I’m sorry, I should not have done that.”

 

“No problem,” Greg laughed, “She just died and left me the farm.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting Married

 

Phil, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

 

Phil suggests they go in. Phil addresses the man behind the counter:

 

‘Are you the owner?’ The pharmacist answers yes.

 

Says Phil: ‘We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?’

Pharmacist: ‘Of course we do.’

 

Phil: ‘How about medicine for circulation?’

Pharmacist: ‘All kinds.’

 

Phil: ‘Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ‘

 

Pharmacist: ‘Definitely.’

 

Phil: ‘How about Viagra?’

 

Pharmacist: ‘Of course.’

 

Phil: ‘Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?’

Pharmacist: ‘Yes, a large variety. The works.’

 

Phil: ‘What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?’

Pharmacist: ‘Absolutely.’

 

Phil: ‘You sell wheelchairs and walkers?’

Pharmacist: ‘All speeds and sizes.’

 

Phil says to the pharmacist: ‘We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.’

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

Little Johnny was all set to start grade three. On his first day, Little Johnny’s dad insisted on taking him inside to meet with the teacher.

 

Once there, Johnny’s dad took the teacher aside and said, “Mrs. Krewson, I’m Johnny’s father. I want to warn you in advance that Johnny has a gambling problem. He will try to bet on anything he can whenever he can. I need your help to try and stop him from gambling.” Mrs. Krewson agrees and Johnny’s father leaves.

 

 

At lunch time, Johnny goes up to her and says, “Mrs. Krewson, I’ll bet you $50 that I can guess what colour your panties are. They’re pink.” The teacher is taken aback but figures that since she is wearing a solid black skirt, it’s an easy bet to win. She tells Johnny to hang back after school.

 

Near the end of the school day, the principal comes to the classroom door and Mrs. Krewson goes to speak to him. After he leaves, she slips into the coat closet and removes her pink panties and returns to the class.

 

After the final bell, Johnny is waiting at his desk. Mrs. Krewson walks over to him and tells Johnny that he owes her $50 because her panties aren’t pink. She takes Johnny over to the coat closet and lifts her skirt to show him that she didn’t have pink panties – she didn’t have anything on at all! Johnny agrees to pay her the $50 tomorrow.

 

Johnny walks outside to get his ride home and Mrs. Krewson follows him out. Johnny’s father gets out of the car and she asks if she can speak to him.

“Mr. Eldon, I think I’ve cured Johnny of his gambling problem. Don’t be mad, but he bet me $50 that he could guess the colour of my panties and he was wrong. I wasn’t wearing any. Now he owes me.”

 

“Damn it!”, Johnny’s father says.

“What’s the matter?”

 

“That little bastard bet me $100 today that he’d get the teacher to show him her crotch on the first day!”

[clementi]

Joke: Joanna

 

A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door.

“I wanna see Joanna”

 

The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn’t have a lot of money.

“Sir, to see Joanna you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour”

“No problem, I have money”

 

Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes down the stairs and the guy looks at her

 

“Joanna?”

“Yes?”

“I want to spend a little time with you”

She smirks at the man’s appearance

“It will cost you $1,000″

 

The guy takes out a roll of cash and hands it to her, they go upstairs, do the dirty and he leaves half an hour later. The next day the guy is back, he knocks, the madame opens and is quite surprised that the guy is back

 

“I wanna see Joanna”

“Well it’s still $1,000″

“O.K., I have the money”

 

He shows her the money, he goes upstairs, hands the money to Joanna, spend half an hour poking her clam and leaves.

 

So it continues for three more days, after the fifth day Joanna turns to him while he’s dressing and says: “You know it’s the first time that somebody came back so many times; where are you from?”

 

“I am from Michigan”

Joanna sits up. “Really? I have a sister in Michigan”

 

The guy grins and replies “I know, she gave me $5,000 to give you”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Assassin

 

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?”

“Yup.”

“What if you miss?”

 

He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”

“Okay, we’ll I’ve got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”

“Let’s go,” the assassin says.

 

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

“They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off.”

 

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

 

“Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks.

“Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Painter and gallery owner

 

Painter: How are my paintings selling?

 

Gallery Owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery.

 

Painter: Wow! That’s terrific! What’s the bad news?

 

Gallery Owner: He was your surgeon

[worldangel]

Joke: Save money

 

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

 

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor. “Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea.”

 

Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand. Owner says “Yes, Dugly. That was fast, what’s your cost saving plan?”

 

Dugly says “make it $1000″.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Savings account

 

A man walks into a bank.

 

(Man to teller) “I want to open a fucking saving account.”

 

 

The Astonished woman replies “I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank”. The woman leaves the window and goes to bank manager to inform him of this situation.

 

The manager agrees that the woman does not have to listen to this kind of language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what what seems to be problem here?”

 

“There is no fucking problem”, the man says “I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.”

 

“Oh… I see” says the bank manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Trying to get a girl

 

A man is trying to pick up a girl in a bar consuming several alcoholic beverages. At this point, he’s pretty pissed, and is having no luck with the females. He takes a seat at the bar, and spies a younger gentleman who is attracting all the women in the bar.

 

The drunkard approaches him and says “Oi mate, what’s your secret? How you getting all these women?”

 

The man replies “It’s simple. I walk up to the girl I like and say ‘Tickle your ass with a feather?’ If she likes the idea, I’m in. If she replies “Excuse me?” I casually say ‘Its starting to trickle outside, awful nasty weather’ and move on”.

 

“Ahh, I get you!” says the drunk.

So after a few more ales he sees an attractive looking women and stumbles up to her.

 

“Stick a feather up your arse?” he says.

The woman, shocked, replies “Excuse me?”.

 

“I said its raining like fuck outside”

[worldangel]

Joke: Get with secretary

 

A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have sex with you. But don’t worry – I’ll make it fast. I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”

 

After thinking for a moment, she called her boyfriend and told him the story. The boyfriend said, “Do it. But ask him for $2000. Pick up the money fast — he won’t even have enough time to undress.”

 

So she agreed. Half an hour later, the boyfriend called back to ask how it went. “Terribly,” she said. “The bastard used coins!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Airplane ride

 

In the early 1930′s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

 

“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot. “That’s too much,” said the farmer.

 

The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the airplane ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.”

 

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”

 

“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior couple

 

A couple in their 80′s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen for a drink,” he replies. She asks, ” Will you get me piece of cake?” The husband says, “Sure.” She gently reminds him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you don’t forget it?” He says, “No, I can certainly remember that!”

 

Then the woman says, “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top. You’d better write it down because I know you’ll forget it.” The man replies, “I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries.”

 

She adds, “I’d also like whipped cream on top. Now I’m certain you’re gonna forget that, so you’d better write it down ok.” Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!” He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Contagious

 

A teacher asks her class to use the word “contagious”. Roland, the teacher’s pet, gets up and says, “Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious.”

“Well done, Roland,” says the teacher.

 

“Can anyone else try?”

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, “My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s contagious.”

“Well done, Katie,” says the teacher. “Anyone else?”

 

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, “Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Big booty

 

Bill and his wife were working in their garden one day when Bill looks over at his wife and says: “Your booty is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

 

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s booty.

“Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!”

 

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Bill is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

 

She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the circus

 

A man takes his wife and his little boy to the circus.

After a while, the dad gets up to get a beer, and the ringmaster parades the elephants out.

 

“Mommy, Mommy! What’s that long pointy thing under the elephant’s belly!?” the kid asks.

The mom turns red and says, “Oh, that’s nothing, dear.”

 

The dad comes back with his beer and sits down next to his boy. Then mom gets up and goes to the washroom.

 

“Daddy, daddy! What’s that long pointy thing under the elephant’s belly!?”

“That’s the elephant’s penis.”

“But mom said it was nothing!”

 

The dad takes a long swig of his beer, pats his boy on the head, and says, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman…”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Camel

 

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

 

Lady 1: What’s that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get that?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

 

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

 

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

 

 

Lady 1: Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a camel.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Surgeon

 

The first surgeon says, “I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order”.

 

The second surgeon says, “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order”.

The third surgeon says, “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded.

 

The fourth surgeon says, “I like operating on politicians.”

The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.

 

The fourth surgeon continues, “Because they’re heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New restaurant

 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Big Steak House’ and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’

 

‘Well,’ he explained, ‘the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’

 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed.

 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’

 

“Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice. ‘Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

 

I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’

‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Magician’s parrot

 

A magician worked on a cruise ship, the audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

 

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, It’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” Or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

 

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the Captain’s’ parrot.

 

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … With the parrot…

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

 

This went on for a day… And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said…..”Alright, good one but i can’t take it any longer, what did you do with the ship???”

[worldangel]

Joke: Barber shop

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks “Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?”

 

The barber looks around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks…”how long before I can get a haircut?”

 

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says “about 2 hours.” The guy leaves.

 

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks “how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says “about an hour and a half”. The guy leaves.

 

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey, Jack, I’ll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.”

 

In a little while, Jack comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, “this must be good, where did he go when he left here?”

Jack says, “To your house!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Age gap marriage

 

After 1 year of dating, not caring about the big age gap , Henry of age 85, married Katie a lovely 25 year old.

 

Since her new husband is so old, Katie decides that after their wedding she and Henry should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

 

After the wedding festivities Katie prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Henry, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Henry takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

 

After a few minutes, Katie hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Henry, again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Katie consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Henry kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

 

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha! you guessed it – Henry is back again, rapping on the door, is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action. And, once more they enjoy each other.

 

But as Henry gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.You are truly a great lover, Henry.’

 

Henry, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Katie and says: ‘You mean I was here already?’

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mate hit by a car

 

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate’s been hit by a car.

Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.’

 

Operator: ‘What is your location sir?’

Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ….’ Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’ Silence…. (heavy breathing) and after a minute.

 

 

Operator: ‘Are you there sir?’ More heavy breathing and another minute later. Operator: ‘Sir, can you hear me?’ This goes on for another few minutes until….

 

 

Operator: ‘Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?’

 

Paddy: ‘Yes, sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .’

[worldangel]

Joke: Grass as food

 

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

 

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass as our food”

 

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said. “But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

 

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

 

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

 

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

 

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three blondes

 

3 blondes walk into a police station looking for a job as a detective.

They meet with the police chief who says “I’m going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him.”

 

He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says “He’s only got one eye”. The police chief responds, “No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye.”

He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says “He’s only got one ear”. The police chief again responds, “No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear.”

 

He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says “He wears contact lenses.” Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says “That’s oddly correct. How did you know that?”

 

The blonde responds, “Well with one eye and one ear, he can’t be wearing glasses.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Buffy and Dana

 

Buffy and Dana, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

 

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

 

After a while Buffy says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough, Dana?’ Dana slipped over the side

and finding the water only knee deep said, ‘nope, not yet Buffy’. So they row a little farther…. Again Buffy asks Dana, ‘Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Dana slips over the side and almost immediately says, ‘No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.’

 

So on they row and row and row, and finally Dana slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Buffy is really getting worried when suddenly Dana breaks the surface gasping for breath. ‘Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?’

 

‘Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel…’

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do for a living?

 

A grade school teacher was asking his students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?”

Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amy?”

Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a fireman.”
“Thank you, Amy” said the teacher. “What does your parent do,Kenny?”

Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and went to Kenny’s house and rang the bell.

 

Kenny’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Kenny’s dad said, “I’m actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: After a hard day’s work

 

Joe and Steve had a hard day’s work installing wood floors. They like to relax after work and got out to a bar for a drink a few times a week. After getting a nice buzz Joe turns to Steve and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do.

 

Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

 

Steve looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘How about a BJ?’ ….and she’s always sound asleep.”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

Teacher: “Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

 

Teacher: “Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny’s crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems – that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom.”

 

Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day… Teacher: “Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita.”

 

Anita: “Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn’t have to walk so far to get bread and milk.” Teacher: “Very good Anita! Yes – Suzie!”

Suzie: “Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home.”

 

Teacher: “Excellent, thank-you Suzie! At this point, little Johnny’s hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: “Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home.”

 

Little Johnny: “Near my home, they are building a brothel.”

 

All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave. Little Johnny says, “Hey, relax girls… it hasn’t opened yet!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Train set

 

There was a 5 year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play.

 

She was shocked when she heard him saying, “All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train.

 

And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now ’cause the train’s getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo.”

 

The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,

“Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can’t play with your train set for two hours.”

 

So the boy took his nap and didn’t even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished.

 

He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said, “Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are pissed ’cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The bus

 

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers.

 

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before – I took a bus home.

 

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and I am not sure where I acquired this one.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sea captain

 

A young sailor is walking the docks and spots a sea captain, examining his deck. The sea captain has a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch. The young sailor, curious, asks the captain “How did you get your peg leg?”

 

 

The captain replies “Arrr it was a stormy night, and a gust of wind blew me of my boat. In the water a shark bit off me leg.” The sailor then asks “How did you get the hook?”

 

 

To which the captain replies “I was in a fierce sword fight with another bucanneer and the bastard cut off me hand.” “Wow you are brave sea aged captain, but how did you get the eye patch?” “Arrrgh a damned seagull pooped in me eye.”

 

“Why didn’t you wipe it out?” “Twas me first day with the hook.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fed up wife

 

So a man is always cheating on his wife. She finally gets fed up with him and says the next time he gives her a lame excuse, she is going to leave him. A few days later he comes home extremely late.

 

 

“So what’s the excuse this time,” she said. “Hey, I was drinking all night with my buddies. I swear,” he slurred. “Where?” she asked. “Uhhh…I can’t remember exactly, but wherever it is, they have golden urinals.”

 

 

He then proceed to pass out. Now, he had given some weird excuses before, but this one was just bizarre, so she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and call around town to find the golden urinal bar. After being hung up on many times, she calls the last bar in town. “Hello? I know this is going to sound weird, but do you guys have golden urinals?”

 

 

The bartender then pulls the phone from his face and shouts, “Hey, Jerry! We found the guy that pissed in your saxophone.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Redneck logic

 

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

 

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.

 

The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” said the redneck.

 

The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”

 

 

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”

The redneck was catching on.

 

 

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”

 

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

 

“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.

 

“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.

 

 

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

 

“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”

[clementi]

Joke: Sorry, I thought you were my wife

 

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

 

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

 

“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Fishing

 

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.

He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.

 

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, “That was touching. I didn’t know you had it in you.”

 

The first guy responds, “Well, I guess it was the thing to do – after all, I was married to her for 40 years.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Need samples

 

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.”

 

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: “WHAT?”

“What did he say? What’s he want?”

 

His wife yells back, “He needs your underwear.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Cheating

 

Tim was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife in bed with another man.

“Get over it, buddy,” he said. “It’s not the end of the world.”

 

“It’s all right for you to say,” answered Tim. “But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?”

 

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, “I’d break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The surrogate

 

The Johnsons were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Johnson kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon” Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

 

“Good morning, madam. I’ve come to….”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Johnson cut in. “Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good. I’ve made a speciality of babies”

 

 

“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat”

After a moment, she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”

 

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results”

 

“My, that’s a lot of…..” gasped Mrs. Johnson.

 

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure”

“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Johnson said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London”

“Oh my God!” Mrs. Johnson exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mom was so difficult to work with”

 

“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Johnson.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look”

 

“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Johnson, eyes widened in amazement. “Yes,” the photographer said, “And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Johnson leaned forward. “You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um……equipment?”

 

“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so we can get to work.”

“Tripod?????”

 

“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ……. Good Lord, she’s fainted!!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Kicking

 

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.

 

 

On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. “What’s the deal?” he asks.

 

 

His mom says ” You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you.”

 

 

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. Then the boy says “Do you want me to tell him or should you?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old drunks

 

Two old drunks where having some drinks in a bar. The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. “By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand”

 

“So,” says the second drunk, “what’s your point?” “Well,” says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old drunks

 

Two old drunks where having some drinks in a bar. The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. “By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand”

 

“So,” says the second drunk, “what’s your point?” “Well,” says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Ticket please

 

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

 

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.

 

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please”.

 

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

 

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all.

 

 

“How are you going to ride without a ticket”? said one perplexed accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.

 

 

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Just like mum

 

Jim is 32 years old and he is still single.

 

One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

 

Jim ranted, “Actually, I’ve found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

 

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

 

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

 

With a frown on his face, Jim answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

 

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”

Jim replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hairy chest

 

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team’s performance soars.

 

They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a sixteen-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says,  “Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.”

 

“What!” the coach says in a panic, “How far down does it go?”

 

She replies, “Down to my balls. That’s something else I want to talk to you about.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sorry, I thought you were my wife

 

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

 

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

 

“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Results of the health examination

 

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

 

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.

 

“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.

“10…” says the doctor.

 

“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.

“10…9…8…7…”