Be Happy :)

worldangel · May 13, 2014

Joke: Stressed out

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: “I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!”.

Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. “I see you followed my advice?”.

“I did”, answers the employee, “It was great! By the way I didn’t know you had such a nice house!”.

worldangel · May 13, 2014

Joke: A really bad day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

worldangel · May 14, 2014

Joke: Smartest pet

While walking down the street, a business man see’s a dog walking down the road with a bag in his mouth. Interested in where the dog was going he followed the dog to the local store. There the dog went straight to the teller, and placed the bag in the teller’s hand. He then handed him a grocery bag with a envelope. the man watches all this with wonder as the dog bites and holds the bag and note in its mouth while he walks out the store.

The businessman follows the dog out as the puppy heads straight to the bus. The bus comes and the dog waits, two more bus come and go before the dog finally gets on a bus. The man follows the dog on the bus and they travel with the bus all the way until the second to last stop. the dog gets off and the man follows, the dog walks down one street and another until finally he finds a house.

The man watches quietly as the dog walks up the lawn to the porch and starts scratching the door. the puppy puts his bag down. barks and trots over to the window and scratches some more. Finally the dog walk away, to the other end of the lawn and charges the door full speed. With all the force he has the dog slams his body against the door hard making the door shake. The dog gets up and shakes himself off and trots back to the end of the lawn again, charges full speed and BAM hits the door hard.

While walking back to do it again a man in a robe opens the door, the dog turns around quick and his tail wagged hard back and forth while he ran back to the porch to greet this new guy. the man in the robe starts to beat the dog repeatedly, hitting the puppy hard making him yelp.

Finally the business man runs to the scene and yells at the man in the robe, “What the hell are you doing?! This dog is the smartest dog i’ve ever seen!.”

The man replies, “Smart my ass, this is the third time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

worldangel · May 14, 2014

Joke: Flooring store

The owner of a flooring store was dismayed when a brand new floor company own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST DEALS ON FLOORING‘

He was even more horrified when another flooring store opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST PRICES ON WOOD FLOORS’

The store owner panicked, he was in business for 20 years and barely getting by anymore because of the recession.

Then he got a good idea. He put the biggest sign over his own store. It read: ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’

worldangel · May 14, 2014

Joke: Getting married in heaven?

A young couple, on their way to the church to get married, die in a car crash… At the pearly gates they are greeted by Archangel Michael and they immediately ask:

Tell us, Michael, is it possible to get married in heaven? Archangel, responds, puzzled: – Hang on a minute, nobody asked this before, let me go and find out. After he leaves the young couple starts to ponder what will happen if don’t get along and eventually want to get divorced?

They patiently wait for Archangel’s return and finally, after three months, he arrives with a smile on his face: – Great news you two! I found out that yes, you can get married in heaven! So the young couple says: – Listen, Michael, we were wondering, what if we stop loving each other and want to get a divorce in the future, is that possible? Can you find out?

Archangel turns around reluctantly and heads back towards the gates, grumbling to himself:

It took me three months to find a priest in heaven… now they want me to go and find a lawyer?!

worldangel · May 14, 2014

Joke: Horseback riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

worldangel · May 14, 2014

Joke: What was that?

A mother, father, and their 8 year old son are driving home from baseball practice when out of nowhere a dildo was thrown out of a car in front of them and slammed into the windshield.

The boy in the back seat was startled and asked “mommy what was that?” The couple looked at each other, not sure how to respond.

Finally the mother said “oh don’t worry honey, it was just a bug.” The little boy then said “I’m surprised that thing could even get off the ground with a dick that big.”

worldangel · May 14, 2014

Joke: Drinks for everyone

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), “bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $89.00.

The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $124.00.

The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.” The bartender can’t believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), “bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.” In disgust the bartender says, “what, no drink for me this time?”

The drunk replies, “No, you get violent when you drink.”

clementi · May 15, 2014

Joke: Priest

A priest was driving to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest’s breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He asked, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” said the priest.

The trooper asked, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looked at the bottle and exclaimed, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

clementi · May 15, 2014

Joke: Kindergarten class

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

“It’s a period,” reported Johnnie.

“Well I can see that,” she said, “But what is so exciting about a period.”

“Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

clementi · May 15, 2014

Joke: Pacific Beach Connection

A policeman sent his wife and child to a resort at the pacific beach for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love with his wife.

“No darling, we can’t do it here, what if the kid wakes up?”

“You are right, let’s go to the beach.”

They went to the empty beach and start to make love. All of a sudden, a policeman runs into them.

“Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.”

“You are right”, said the husband, “but it was a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.”

“Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.”

clementi · May 15, 2014

Joke: Pharmacist insulted her

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it…

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!”

clementi · May 15, 2014

Joke: Cheating wife

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, “Who is this?”

“This is the maid.”, answered the woman.

“We don’t have a maid!”

“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”

“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”

“Ummm …. she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $80,000?”

“What do I have to do?”

“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the guy she is with.”

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”

“Throw them in the swimming pool!”

“What?! There’s no pool here?”

Long pause… “Uh …. is this 244-6227?”

clementi · May 15, 2014

Joke: Bad dream

3 guys go camping and are sharing a giant tent.

After a night’s sleep, the guy sleeping on the left of the tent wakes up in a cold sweat and tells the others “I had the most horrible dream that somebody was trying to pull my dick off!”

The guy sleeping on the right says “Weird! I had the exact same dream!”

The guy sleeping in the middle says “I just had a dream that I was skiing …”

clementi · May 15, 2014

Joke: No more shopping at Target

My wife can be a little demanding at times. For example, she insists that I accompany her when she wants to do some shopping at Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping to be more than a little boring and I prefer to get in and get the stuff I want and go. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse and look at everything. Well, yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store.

Dear Mrs…………,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the woman’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away”. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?” EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

And last, but not least:

a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here”. One of the clerks passed out.

clementi · May 15, 2014

Joke: Swordsmen

There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the world’s greatest swordsman was. The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent. The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush.

One of the judges proceeded to release a small black fly and let it buzz around the stage. With the flick of his wrist and faster than you can blink the fly hit the ground in two pieces. The audience bursts into applause as the swordsman steps back. Next is the second swordsmans turn and he faces the same challenge. The fly is released and in two swift motions he cuts the fly into four pieces.

The audience is even more impressed and gives the man a standing ovation. Finally the third swordsman takes the spotlight and another fly is released onto the stage. The swordsman takes one quick swish at the fly but it continues to fly around the stage.

The audience is dumbstruck. Finally someone from the audience speaks up: “sir… The fly is still alive.” “Ah, si” replies the swordsman “but he will never be a father”

clementi · May 15, 2014

Joke: Depressed in New York

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

“What are you doing here?” the captain asked.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”

“He certainly is,” the captain said. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

clementi · May 15, 2014

Joke: Panda in restaurant

A Panda walks into an expensive restaurant, he gets seated by the host and looks at the menu. He orders the most expensive items on the menu; Porterhouse, A bottle of Chateau Lafite and Black Truffle Cheesecake. When the check comes, the Panda pulls out a handgun and shoots the waiter right between the eyes.

As the Panda is walking out the door, the manager stops him. “What the hell do you think you are doing Panda,” he says. “Not only are you skipping out on the check, but you SHOT my employee.”

“Its ok sir,” the Panda responds, “I’m a panda” “You KILLED someone, you can’t get away with this!” yells the manager.

“Don’t be silly,” says the Panda. “Im a panda, look it up in the dictionary” And he casually walks out the door.

The manager, not knowing what to do with himself, grabs a dictionary and flips to P.

Under Panda:

panda. noun. Large mammal, indigenous to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

clementi · May 15, 2014

Joke: Learning about addition

The elementary class was learning about addition.

The teacher asks little Cindy, “If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?”

Cindy thinks about it for a few seconds and says, “Seven.”

The teacher says, “No, let’s try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more.”

Cindy spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, “Seven.”

The teacher says, “Let’s try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?”

Cindy says, “Six.”

The teacher says, “Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?”

Cindy again says, “Seven.”

The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Cindy, “Why do you keep saying seven?!”

Cindy says, “Because… I’ve already got a cat!”

worldangel · May 15, 2014

Joke: Woke up by the drunk

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??” “No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??” And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

worldangel · May 15, 2014

Joke: Guess how old I am?

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply.

“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29″.

“I’m really 47!”, he says, feeling better than ever.

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.”
Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was standing behind you at McDonalds.”

worldangel · May 15, 2014

Joke: Janet in coma

Janet had been in a coma for a few years and everyday, when the nurse comes in to bathe her, she notices slight changes in her vital stats whenever she washes near her crotch. So the nurse fetches Janet’s husband and says, “I think a little oral sex is all your wife needs to come out of this coma.”

The husband nods and asks for a little privacy. The nurse leaves, but after a few minutes she hears a horrible clatter followed by the woman flat-lining. The nurse runs in and yells, “What the hell happened?”

The husband replied, “I don’t know! I think she choked!”

worldangel · May 15, 2014

Joke: Two guys in a bar

Two guys in a bar and one says “Did your hear the news – Joe is dead!”

“Waahhht, what the hell happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”

“Man, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he …”

“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”

“I shot him!”

“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”

“He was wrecking my f**king house.”

worldangel · May 15, 2014

Joke: Genie Lamp

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Poof! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.’ Poof! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

worldangel · May 15, 2014

Joke: At Walgreens

A sixty year old man walks into Walgreens and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, “Do you sell condoms here?”

“Sure. What size are you?”

“I don’t know,” he replies.

“Well, just let me check,” the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, “Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter.”

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Later, a thirty year old man walks into Walgreens and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, “Do you sell condoms here?”

The cashier replies, “Sure. What size do you need?”

“Well, I don’t know.”

“Allow me to check for you,” she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, “Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter.”

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Some time later, a eighteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the Walgreens checkout counter and asks sheepishly, “Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?”

“Yep,” she says. “What size do you need?”

“I don’t know,” he says nervously.

“Allow me to check for you,” she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, “Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter.”

worldangel · May 16, 2014

Joke: Three guys in bar

The first guy walks up to the bar and sits down. The bartender asks him what hes drinking? The man says, “I’ll have a rum and coke.”

The bartender then reaches behind the bar and after a couple seconds the bartender hands him and apple.

“What the hell is this?! I asked you for a rum and coke, damnit!” the bartender looks to him and says, “Trust me, just eat.” “No way man this is an apple, I want my drink!” “Trust me,” says the bartender. So the guy decides, ehh why not and bites into it. “Whoa!” he exclaims. “That tastes like rum!!” “Flip it over,” says the bartender. And so he does. “Whoa!!” he exclaims again, “this side tastes like coke!

That’s amazing how did you do that?” The bartender says nothing and gives the man a wink. The second guy walks in, sits down and orders a gin and tonic. then goes through the same thing as the first, and finally bites into it.

“Whoa!!” he says, “that tastes like gin!” “Flip it over,” says the bartender. “That tastes like tonic! Thats amazing!” And now the third guy walks up, with the first two explaining to him how awesome this bartender is. “These apples taste just like the drinks we ordered!” exclaimed the first.

“He can make it taste like anything you want!” says the second guy. “Anything?” the third guy asks? “Well Mr. Bartender, in that case, I want one that tastes like pussy!”

Thinking he had him stumped the bartender shrugs, and after a couple seconds hands him an apple. He bites into it and immediately spits it out, “This apple tastes like Shit!!” he yelled. The bartender replies, “flip it over.”

worldangel · May 16, 2014

Joke: High-tech milking machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic ! !

He really had a good time because the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off.

He read the manual but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or softer, but still without success.

Panicking, he called the supplier‘s Customer Service Hot Line.

“Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It’s fantastic. But how can I take it off the cow’s udder?”

Customer Service replied, “Don’t worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about two gallons of milk. “

worldangel · May 16, 2014

Joke: Penguin driving cross country

This penguin was driving cross country, when suddenly his car starts to smoke. he pulls into a small town and leaves his car with the local mechanic.

The mechanic tells him it will be done in about 3 hours and he should go wander the town for a while. So the penguin wanders around, checking a few stores, and then getting ice cream. He checks his watch and realizes it had been 3 hours already.

When he gets back, the mechanic tells him “Looks like you just blew a seal”. The penguin quickly wiped his beak, embarrassed and replied “No no, I swear it’s just ice cream!”

worldangel · May 17, 2014

Joke: Wife and I

My wife and I had a huge argument.

She screamed at me to pack my bags and get the hell out

I was all packed up and about to get out the door when she said “I wish you a long and painful death, you bastard!”

“So, what? You want me to stay now?” I replied.

worldangel · May 17, 2014

Joke: Grandparents

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

worldangel · May 17, 2014

Joke: Wife has hearing problems

An old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, “Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know the range of her hearing.”

That night, he’s sitting on his easy chair in the living room while his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner. He estimates he’s about 30 feet away. In a normal tone of voice, he says, “What’s for dinner?”

She doesn’t respond, so he gets up and walks to the kitchen doorway, about 20 feet away, and asks, “What’s for dinner?”

She still doesn’t respond so he walks 10 feet closer and asks, “What’s for dinner?”

She still doesn’t say anything, so he gets right up beside her and asks, “What’s for dinner?”

clementi · May 17, 2014

Joke: Friendship

Friendship between women:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

clementi · May 17, 2014

Joke: Classic Sherlock

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there.

And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

clementi · May 17, 2014

Joke: Devoted wife

A devoted wife spent a lifetime taking care of her husband. He had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses he motioned for her to come near.

As she say by him he said “you know what? you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, when my business failed, when I got shot, when we lost the house, when I got sick, you were always there to support me and you know what?”

“What my dear?”

“You’re freaking bad luck

clementi · May 17, 2014

Joke: Produce assistant

A man in in a supermarket in Florida tries to buy half s head of lettuce but the very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir,” the boy replied. “Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked. The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada.” “No shit?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”

clementi · May 17, 2014

Joke: Old woman

An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.

While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore.

The doctor said “Ok, that’s great”, finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks.

When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful. “Good” he said. “Now that we’ve cleared out your sinuses let’s work on your hearing.”

worldangel · May 17, 2014

Joke: Talking dog for sale

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??”

“Because the dog’s a damn liar. He never did any of that shit.”

worldangel · May 17, 2014

Joke: Sitting in a bar

I was sitting in a bar with my friend.

I noticed two old drunks across the bar from us.

I laughed and said, “That’s us in ten years.”

My friend replied, “That’s a mirror, dipshit.”

worldangel · May 17, 2014

Joke: Sweet wife

The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?’

‘My darling’ she replied,’ I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’

worldangel · May 17, 2014

Joke: Christmas Gift

A rich guy and a poor guy are talking about what they got their wives for Christmas

The rich guy said, “I got my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring, so if she doesn’t like the fur at least she’ll have the ring.”

The poor guy said, “I got my wife a bathrobe and a dildo. If she doesn’t like the robe, she can go fuck herself!”

worldangel · May 17, 2014

Joke: Cheating for “Good” reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?’”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

worldangel · May 17, 2014

Joke: Two men camping

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today.

I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

“Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”

The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”

“Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a BJ, too?”

“Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”

worldangel · May 18, 2014

Joke: 5 Years Old’s first job

Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the damn sheet rock…”

worldangel · May 18, 2014