Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Cowboy at bar

 

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas and orders three beers. He sits at the bar, drinking a sip out of each glass in turn.

 

This goes on for a few weeks till the bartender says ” You know beer goes flat after pouring – why don’t you just buy them one at a time?”

 

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Nevada, the other is in New York . When they left our home we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

 

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

One day, he comes in and only orders two beers. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

 

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife made me quit drinking but it hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Training 3 blond women

 

A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives.

He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. “Oh, that’s easy! He only has one eye!”

The police officer exclaimed: “Are you stupid? He doesn’t have one eye, the picture is the profile of the man!”

 

Clearly furious by that answer, he asked the second blonde the same question.

“Oh, well… I’d recognize him because he only has one ear”.

 

The police officer was damn furious and let out a loud sigh before asking the third blonde, and he urged her to at least think through the answer before answering.

“I’d recognize him because he wears contact lenses”, she said.

 

The police officer, somewhat clearly caught off guard by that answer was curious to see if she was right or not. So she called the photographer from the model agency from where the picture was obtained and asked the photographer for the model’s phone number.

 

Surely enough, he called the model and the model confirmed that he was wearing contact lenses when the picture was taken.

 

“That’s amazing!”, he told the third blonde. “How in the world did you know that he was wearing contact lenses?”

 

“Well,” said the third blonde, “he can’t wear glasses since he only has one eye and one ear”.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marine need to relax

 

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

 

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

 

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

 

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

 

The Marine Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

 

“1955, ma’am.”

 

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

 

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

 

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 21:30 now.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Parrot on a perch

 

At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, “Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

 

“I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook.”

“Wow,” says the guy. “I can’t believe you’re so smart! I’m taking you home.”

Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Hey, I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the mailman.”

“What happened?” asks the guy.

 

“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.”

“What happened then?” asks the guy.

 

“Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife’s nightgown,” reports the parrot.

“Oh no!” the guy says. “Then what?”

 

“I don’t know,” says the parrot. “I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Last night’s sex

 

Two women talk about their last night sex:

-So, how was your sex yesterday?

 

-It was crap¦ My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, then we fucked for 4 minutes and after two minutes he fell asleep. And how was yours?

 

-I had a wonderful evening yesterday. My husband came back home, then he took me out for a lovely romantic dinner. Then we had a relaxing stroll back home for an hour. Then we lit the candles and had a wonderful one-hour long foreplay. We had awesome sex for an hour and we also talked and cuddled for an hour afterwards. It was absolutely fantastic!

 

In the meantime, the husbands talk to each other:

-How was your sex yesterday? -It was crap¦ I came back home to find that the power was down, so I took my old hag, out for something to eat. The food was very expensive and I didn’t have much money so we had to come back home on foot. When we came back home, there was still no power so I had to light those fucking candles. I was so pissed off that I couldn’t get a hard on for an hour, and later I wasn’t able to fall asleep for ages. And how was yours?

 

-My evening was cool! I came back home, the food was already on the table. I ate until I was full, fucked my wife and went to sleep!

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Call to hotel’s manager

 

A husband calls up a hotel’s manager from his room..

 

Husband : Please come fast , I was having an argument with my wife and she says shes gonna jump out of the window.

 

Manager : Sir, I am sorry I can’t help you , this seems to be a personal issue.

 

Husband : You asshole, this is a maintenance issue. The window isn’t opening.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The sexist professor

 

The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students.

 

The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity.

 

The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: ” and you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!”

 

 

At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: “Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn’t leave until tomorrow morning!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Dugly the bum

 

I was hanging around the bars downtown when I ran into an old acquaintance, Bill. He asks, “You come down here often? I gotta show you this bum I met. He’s gotta be the dumbest SOB I’ve ever met.”

 

We walk over to the corner where a man was standing with a cardboard sign. “Hey Dugly,” Bill greets the bum with a smile and holds up $5 and a $1 bill in each hand “which one ya want?”.

 

Dugly instantly points to the $1 bill and Bill hands it over to him. Bill has his laugh and walk off, “I’ll meet you inside buddy. You try it with him, Dugly picks the smaller bill every time.” I asked Dugly, “You gotta know the $5 is worth more, but why did you take the $1?”.

 

Dugly replies with a shrug, “If I take the $5, he would have stopped giving me money years ago”.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Harold the hypnotist

 

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’ centre. After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano It was time for the Star of the Show- Harold the Hypnotist!

 

Harold explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Harold. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Harold carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

 

“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Harold, holding the watch high for all to see. “It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations”, said Harold.

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”

 

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, Suddenly, The chain broke!!!

 

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact”

“SHIT” said Harold.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Panda in restaurant

 

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter.

 

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!”

“Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!

 

“The manager opens his dictionary and reads: “Panda: a tree-dwelling-mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white-coloring. Eats, shoots and leaves.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Truck driver

 

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him.

 

At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn’t run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn’t see anything.

 

He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. “I’m sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road.”

 

But the priest said, “Don’t worry, son. I got him with my door.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Job interview

 

A foreign man applied for a job as an outsourced customer support representative. At the end of his interview, the company hiring him was very impressed.

 

“Well Mujibar, we really think you’d make a great employee, we just have one more test for you to pass the interview. We need you to use the words ‘green,’ ‘pink,’ and ‘yellow’ all in the same sentence.

 

He thought for a moment, and in a thick foreign accent he said “The phone goes ‘green, green,’ and I pink it up and say ‘Yellow, this is Mujibar, how may I help you today?’”

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde speeding

 

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde. The officer asked to see the lady’s driver’s license.

 

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked. The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

 

The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said. The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Snail

 

A snail walks into a car dealership and he asks the salesman about car customization.

 

He shows the salesman a car that he’s thinking about buying, but there’s something he wants to change about it.

The salesman asks him what it is.

 

The snail tells him he wants the letter ‘S’ painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible.

 

The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:

 

“Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say ‘hey, look at that S-car-go!’”

[worldangel]

Joke: Magic lamp

 

A man finds a magic lamp while cleaning out his attic, he rubs some of the dust off of it and out pops a genie.

 

“I’ll grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex wife will get twice as much”

 

Bitter about his recent divorce, the man thinks for a bit and says “Alright, I want a mansion with a triple garage.”

 

The genie says “Here is your mansion with the triple garage, your ex wife has 2″

Next,the man says “I want a BMW, a Ferrari and a Lamborghini for my garage”

The genie says, “You now have 3 cars for your garage, your ex wife has 6″

 

The man gets a smile on his face as he says his last wish,” I want to be beaten half to death!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Dark Joke

 

I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.

 

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her

.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect! I meant “wifi”, not “wife”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Couple in accident

 

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn.

 

He decides to interview John who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Sarah.

 

“Been out for a few have we mate?” asks the officer.

“Shuure ave mate” grins John.

 

“I realise you are very drunk sir,” states the officer, “but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Single lady

 

A middle aged woman walks into a grocery store, she has been single for the past 5 years and is extremely lonely. She proceeds to collect a few things here and there from throughout the store. Lip balm, a gallon of milk, a few rolls of paper towels, chicken pot pies, and laundry detergent.

 

When she finishes finding all of her items she proceeded to the checkout counter. Immediately after she got in line a man came up behind her and began to wait as well. He had a 12 pack with him and was obviously drunk. He was staring at her groceries then up at her, swaying back and forth trying to keep balance.

“You must be single?”he asked her.

 

Normally she would ignore a stranger talking to her, especially one this drunk, but she was for some reason slightly intrigued. She noticed he kept looking at her groceries and up at her. Maybe he thought she was single based off what she was purchasing. Maybe he could point out something that would help her find someone to love.

 

“Yes, I am single”, she said. But can you tell me something? How can you tell I’m single?” she said as she looked down at the few things in her basket.

Cause”...... he struggled to stand up and looked her in the eye. “cause you’re ugly”

[worldangel]

Joke: Gorilla and the Redneck

 

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

 

After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

 

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

 

“First”, Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.” The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

“Second”, he said, “you can’t never tell no one about this, and I mean no one.” The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

 

“Third”, Bobby Lee said, “In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.” Once again it was agreed.

 

And last,” Bobby Lee said, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Introduce physiological notions

 

An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.

 

She asks her class: Whoever feels stupid at times stand up!

 

After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.

 

The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel stupid from time to time?

 

Little Johnny replies: No ma’m, it’s just painful to see you standing all alone.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Home from work

 

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, the door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog.

 

Walking in the door, he found …an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

 

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

 

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel…

 

She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’

 

She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?…

 

”Yes,” was his incredulous reply..

She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.

[worldangel]

Joke: Millionaire

 

A young man once asked a rich older man how he became a wealthy . The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, “Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had.”

 

“I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents.”

 

“The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I’d amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I’d never been so proud of myself in my life.”

 

“Then my wife’s father died and left us 2 million bucks.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Mortician

 

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Jones, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Jones had the longest private part he had ever seen.

 

“I’m sorry Mr. Jones,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

 

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man’s schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened up his briefcase.

 

“Oh my God!” she screamed. “Jones is dead!”

[clementi]

Joke: Three old men

 

Three old men are sitting on a porch, discussing the problems they are having with getting old.

 

The first man says “every day at 7 am I wake up and need to piss, but I just can’t. Try as I might, nothing comes out!”

Then the second man responds “if you think that’s bad, every day at 8 am I wake up and I have to shit like a pig. I also can’t do anything about it!”

 

So then the third man replies “you guys think you have it bad, everyday at 7 I piss like a horse and then at 8 I shit like a pig.” His companions are bewildered, and ask him to explain himself. “What’s wrong with that?” they ask. “That sounds perfect!”

 

“Well you see”, says the man, “the problem is I don’t wake up until 9!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Smart pills

 

Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa…

 

There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor. The boy says, “What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?”

 

Grandpa says, “They’re smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you’ll get smarter.” Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and said, “Ugh, those taste like crap, grandpa!”

 

Grandpa says, “See you’re getting smarter already.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

10-year old Little Johnny brings Suzy home from school

He says, “Mom, Suzy and I want to get married .”

 

His Mom thinks it’s adorable, so she asks with fake concern, “But Johnny, where will you live?”

 

He says, “Well, we thought about that and my room is bigger than hers, so we’ll probably live in my room.”

 

“But Johnny, what will you do for money?” the mother asked grinning.

“Well, I get $5.00 a week allowance, and Suzy gets $3.50, and I think we can get by on that.”

 

The mother asks slyly, “But what if you have children? How will you buy diapers?”

 

Little Johnny shrugs, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far . . .”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: School

 

Little Timmy’s parents were at a conference with his teachers. Most of his classes were going very well except he seemed to be struggling in math, so they tried and tried to get him the help he needed but nothing seemed to catch on. Eventually his parents decided to put him in a different school all together. Another religious school.

 

A few months went by and his parents decided to have another conference with his teachers to see how he was doing. And to their surprise he was excelling in all of his classes, especially Math!

 

They were stunned and a little confused. So they went to ask Little Timmy for the reason behind all of it. And he says “The first day I got there I saw some guy nailed to a plus sign, so I figured they take that shit seriously!”

[clementi]

Joke: Wives

 

Two men were talking about their wives

 

The first man says “My wife is an angel.”

 

 

The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Physicist and Limo driver

 

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation’s top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.

 

After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine driver commented that he’d heard the speech enough times, and that even though he didn’t understand it, he felt as if he could deliver it word-for-word.

 

So the physicist agreed to trade places and let him give the speech, and the physicist would sit in the back and wear the limousine driver’s uniform. After giving the speech flawlessly, the limousine driver opened the floor for questions from the students (typically there were none).

 

However, at this particular University there was a rather egotistical student who thought he was smart enough to compete mentally with the Nobel physicist.

 

The question took 5 minutes to get out and would require a rather lengthy explanation and some complex calculus to answer.

 

Without batting an eye, the limousine driver responded to the young student by saying, “The answer to that question is so easy, I’ll let my limousine driver, seated in the back, respond.”

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Cowboy

 

The religious cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

 

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

 

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

 

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

 

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

 

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Church and I had to quit drinking.”

 

“Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

[clementi]

Joke: Three tests

 

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?”

“Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.”

 

“What are the three tests?” asks the man

“Gotta pay first.”

 

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

“OK, here’s what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila — the WHOLE thing at once — and you can’t make a face while doing it.

 

Second, there’s a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.”

 

“Well, I know I’ve paid my $10 bucks,” says the man, “but I’m not an idiot. No wonder you’ve collected so much money — that’s impossible!”

 

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.”Wherez zat teeqeelah?” he slurs.He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face.

 

Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside — barking, yelping and growling, then silence.Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.”NOW,” he says, “wherez at ol’ lady with the sore tooth?”

 

[clementi]

Joke: The talking clock

 

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment.

 

In the bedroom there’s a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says “What’s that for?”

 

The guy says “That’s a talking clock. I’ll show you how it works.”

 

He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says “Hey asshole! It’s 3:15 in the morning!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Fishing

 

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth. Frogs are good bass bait, so, knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with a frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head. Then I took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

 

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

 

So, I grabbed some weed, and blew some smoke its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp.

 

I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake…with two frogs.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Grown-up words

 

A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

 

“Alright class, I’d like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday.

 

Remember, you’re not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first.”

 

So Jamie excitedly stood up and said “I went on a choo-choo!”

The teacher grimaced and replied “No Jamie, you rode on a train. Remember, grown-up words. Sarah, you next. What did you do?”

 

Sarah stood up and exclaimed “I went to see my granny!”

 

Again the teacher pulled a face and said “No Sarah, you went to visit your Grandmother. You’re not in nursery any more, no baby words please. Jimmy, let’s hear you?”

 

Jimmy got up and said “I read a book!”

The teacher smiled.

 

“Very good Jimmy! Can you remember what the book was called?”

Jimmy smiled with confidence and proudly shouted “Winnie the SHIT.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The doctor

 

Two lifelong friends, a doctor and a vet, are in a bar. Over the course of a few drinks the topic of conversation moves to work.

 

“You are lucky” says the vet “Your patients come in and tell you what is wrong with them. It would make treating them so much simpler” “Ah” retorts the doctor “But you forget the social pressure and reliance upon which I must do my job. If I make even a small mistake, I could be sued for everything I have’

 

Neither the Vet nor the doctor wish to concede that they have the easiesr job. So the vet suggests a challenge. “Next time I am ill I shall come to see you but, as with my patients, I will not say a single word. If you can treat me I shall admit defeat” the doctor agrees and they enjoy the rest of their night.

 

Months pass and both men are very busy with work but one day the doctor hears a knock at the door. It is the vet who simply enters and lies on the couch. The doctor is initially confused but soon remembers his late night bet with his friend. The doctor begins to do a routine physical exam, looks the vet over, takes his temperature, all the usual tests. This goes on for a while with the doctor seemingly making no progress.

 

The doctor’s frustration is evident on his face. He eventually signals for the vet to stand up and take his leave. As the vet approaches the door the doctor hands him a prescription for some basic antibiotics and says “Here take two of these and if you’re not better in the morning I’ll have you put down.”

 

Joke: The doctor

Two lifelong friends, a doctor and a vet, are in a bar. Over the course of a few drinks the topic of conversation moves to work.

 

“You are lucky” says the vet “Your patients come in and tell you what is wrong with them. It would make treating them so much simpler” “Ah” retorts the doctor “But you forget the social pressure and reliance upon which I must do my job. If I make even a small mistake, I could be sued for everything I have’

 

Neither the Vet nor the doctor wish to concede that they have the easiesr job. So the vet suggests a challenge. “Next time I am ill I shall come to see you but, as with my patients, I will not say a single word. If you can treat me I shall admit defeat” the doctor agrees and they enjoy the rest of their night.

 

Months pass and both men are very busy with work but one day the doctor hears a knock at the door. It is the vet who simply enters and lies on the couch. The doctor is initially confused but soon remembers his late night bet with his friend. The doctor begins to do a routine physical exam, looks the vet over, takes his temperature, all the usual tests. This goes on for a while with the doctor seemingly making no progress.

 

The doctor’s frustration is evident on his face. He eventually signals for the vet to stand up and take his leave. As the vet approaches the door the doctor hands him a prescription for some basic antibiotics and says “Here take two of these and if you’re not better in the morning I’ll have you put down.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Chivalry is dead

 

They said chivalry is dead so I wanted to prove them wrong.

 

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, Asshole, I’m peeing in here!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

 

A woman says to her lawyer “I want to divorce my husband.”

 

“On what grounds?”

“Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.”

 

“No, that’s not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

“Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.”

getting exasperated “Does he beat you up?”

 

“No, I’m up by 6:30 and sometimes he doesn’t get up until after I’ve left for work.”

“WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

 

“We just can’t seem to communicate.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Can’t stop thinking sex
 

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, “Doc I have a little problem, I can’t stop thinking about sex.”

 

The Psychologist says, “Well let’s see what we can find out”, and pulls out his ink blots. “What is this a picture of?” he asks.

 

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”

 

The Psychologist says, “very interesting,” and shows the next picture. “And what is this a picture of?”

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, “That’s two men and a woman on a bed making love.”

 

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, “What is this a picture of?”

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, “That’s a naked woman on a bed making love to herself.”

 

The Psychologist states, “Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex.”

“Me!?” demands the patient. “You’re the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting on a plane

 

I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami.”

 

She told me, “We can’t do that!”

 

I told her, “Well you did it last week!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Man dies and goes to hell

 

A man dies and goes to hell, upon his arrival, Satan says to him, “I’m in a good mood today. Tell you what, there are 3 doors here, behind each door are people being tortured. I’ll let you look and choose which one you would prefer for all eternity.”

 

So the man looks behind the first door and sees a man being poked with pitchforks, over and over. “I don’t think I’d like that” he says and looks behind the second door.

He sees a man shackled to a bench with flames burning him all over. “Nope, don’t want that one either!” he says.

 

Satan leads him to the third door, where he sees a really ugly old man, hands shackled to a wall, getting a BJ from a really pretty blonde girl. The man gets excited and shouts, “That one! I’ll take this punishment for all eternity!”

 

Satan then taps the blonde on the shoulder and says, “You can go now, we’ve found a replacement!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Classified joke

 

 A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn’t find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:

 

Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won’t beat me, won’t leave me, and is good in bed.

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.

 

“I’m here about your ad,” he says.

“You must be mistaken,” she says.

 

“Let me explain,” he says. “I can’t beat you, I don’t have any arms. And I can’t run away because I don’t have any legs.”

“But,” she asks, “How do I know you’re good in bed?”

 

“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It worked for the bull

 

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.

 

One of them says, “Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick.”

“How did you get it fixed?”

 

“Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow’s vagina and rubbed it all over the bull’s nose and he got right after her.”

 

Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow’s vagina and rubs it all around the bull’s nose.

The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.

 

That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can’t get the effect on the bull out of his mind.

 

As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife’s vagina and feeling that it’s nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on.

He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, “Honey, look!”

 

She rolls over, turns on the light and says, “You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Parrot

 

So she goes to the local pet store and asks the shopkeeper if he has any parrots.

“Well I’ve just got this one right now but I have to warn you he used to belong to an old sailor and he’s picked up some nasty words. Why don’t you come back next week.” He said.

 

“No that’s quite alright. I know just how to handle him.”

 

So she pays for the bird and brings him home and sure enough once he gets home he starts cussing up a storm so the old lady takes him and throws him in the freezer. After 5 minutes she takes him out and he’s shivering and shaking and says “I’m so sorry I’ll never curse again.”

 

Well a couple of weeks go by and he’s behaving himself until the old lady brings some friends over and he starts swearing and cussing and calling them all sorts of horrible names. So she grabs the bird and throws him the freezer. After 10 minutes she takes him out and asks “Well did you learn your lesson?”

 

And the parrot is blue and shivering and shaking and says “Yes Yes I did. I’m so sorry I’ll never swear again! I promise!”

 

So a few months go by and the bird starts up again swearing and yelling and saying things the lady couldn’t have imagined in her worst nightmares so she grabs the parrot and throws him in the freezer. Just then her best friend Lucy called and they started talking and talking and before she’d realized it 2 hours had gone by!

 

She runs over to the freezer and opened the door and found the parrot iced over and barely alive. And the parrot says “I’m soo sooo sorry. I promise I’ll never swear again ever, but please, please, I just, I have to know…

What did the Turkey say?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Octopus in bar

 

A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sets the octopus on the bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you $50 this octopus can play any instrument you have.” The bartender agrees and directs him to a piano in the corner. After the octopus sits down and plays a few bars the man asks the bartended to pay up.

 

“Hold on” says the bartender and hands over a guitar. The octopus takes the guitar, gives it a quick tune and plays a little song. The man again asks the bartender to pay up. “Just a minute, I think I’ve got something else here.” The bartender disappears into the back room for a couple of minutes, comes back out and puts a set of bagpipes down on the bar.

 

The octopus moves around it, looking confused, picking up the pipes one at a time and putting them back down until the man says, “what’s wrong? Can’t you play it?” The octopus says, “play it? If I can figure out how to get its pajamas off, I’m gonna screw it!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting a raise

 

Dugly walks into his boss’s office.

 

“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

 

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5 per cent raise, and Dugly happily gets up to leave.

 

 

“By the way”, asks the boss as Dugly is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”

 

 

“The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Dugly replied.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The rose

 

There was once an Irish actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and could no longer remember his lines

.

After many years, he finds himself in the St. John’s Theatre in Newfoundland, where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

 

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

 

The Irish actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.

 

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just his thumb and one finger he delivered the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

 

“You bloody fool!” he cried! “You have ruined me!”

The Irish actor was bewildered! “What happened, did I forget my line?”

“No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Quickie

 

 

 

 

Bob and Jen decided to have a little Sunday afternoon quickie but had to figure out what to do with their 10-year-old son since they lived in a small apartment. They cleverly thought to send him out on the balcony and have him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

 

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed.

 

“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out. “Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”

 

Mom and dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied

[worldangel]

Joke: Comfortable

 

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.

 

The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “If I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

 

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.

 

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”

 

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, comfortable.”

 

The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?”

 

The brunette explains, “My sister’s a slow reader.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two men working

 

Two men are working by the side of the road.

One digs a hole and the other fills it back up.

 

They do this several times until an old lady, who has been watching them, comes over and asks “What in the world are you two doing?”

 

 

One of the workers replies, “We work for the city, the guy that plants the trees is off sick today.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two factory workers

 

Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man replies, “And how would you do that?”

 

The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”

The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”

 

The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

 

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”

The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”