Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior prom

 

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

“Suzy wants to go out to my car. She’s really hot,” one boy said. “I’m really nervous. I know I’ll goof up!”

 

“Take it easy,” his friend assured him. “All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You’ll have her in the palm of your hand.”

 

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

“Shit, man! What happened to you?!” his buddy asked.

“I took your advice.”

 

“Didn’t you compliment her?”

 

“Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too.”

 

“It sounds like you were doing great,” his friend said.

 

“Well,” the other answered, “that’s when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment.”

 

“What did you say?”

“For such a large crack, it doesn’t stink much.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the zoo

 

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.

 

He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited and crushing on the pretty lady in the sheer dress.

 

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt w/the ape. She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he’s just about to tear the bars down.

 

The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs… this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

 

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in w/the

 

[worldangel]

Joke: War wound

 

A guy went into a public washroom and had to use the only available urinal, which was between two elderly men. He glanced to his left and saw the guy pissing, but there were two streams. “What the hell is that?” he asked.

 

“War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes.”

 

Then the guy looked to his right and saw three streams. “What the hell is that?”

“War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes.”

 

The two veterans then looked over at the guy in the middle and saw 12 streams! “War wound?” they both asked.

“Naah, my zipper’s stuck.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Curse

 

Ray goes to see a wizard and says: “Can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago?”

 

“Maybe” says the wizard, “If you can remember the exact words of the curse.”

 

Ray replies without hesitation: “I now pronounce you as man and wife!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Coming home drunk

 

A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Dave, says, “No, no – just a glass of milk.”

Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him?

 

Dave responds, “Confession, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I’ve thrown up on myself one more time, she’ll divorce me! And this time she means it. I’m blue…”

 

“Hey, no problem!” the bartender says as he starts setting Dave up again. “Do you have any big bills on you?”

“Well, sure,” says Dave. “I just got paid.”

 

“Okay,” says the bartender, “drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!”

 

What a great idea, Dave thinks, and starts knocking them back.

Later that night, when Dave gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, his wife meets him at the door, screaming: “Damn it, Dave – I’ve told you! That’s it!”

“Wait! Wait! It’s not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!”

 

She yanks the money out of his hand. “Dave, this is a $100 bill.”

“Well,” Dave replies, “that same drunk shit my pants as well.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Severe headaches

 

Joe is suffering from severe headaches. The doctor says “I must confess, I also suffered from that same type of headache for many years. This is how I cured it:

 

 

Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.

 

Two weeks go by and Joe is back, “Well, how do you feel?” “Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pet centipede

 

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”

 

The owner says, “How about a cat?”

The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”

 

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”

The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”

 

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”

 

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”

 

Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede.

20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede!

 

He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it… and there’s the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!”

 

The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Double-flavoured apple store

 

A man just moved to a new town from far away, and one day decides to take a walk around to get to know the area.

 

While walking down the street and checking out all the stores along the way, he notices one that seemed unusual. The sign above read “Jerry’s Double Flavored Apples.” Curious, the man walks inside to check it out.

He walks up to the storekeeper behind the counter and he begins to ask him about his product.

 

“I’ve never heard of double flavored apples, how can there be such a thing?” he asks.

 

The storekeeper replies, “They are exactly as advertised, good sir. My specialty! Think of any combination of flavors, and we have an apple for it!”

Still skeptical, the man asks for a sample. “I must try one before I can believe you” he says.

 

The storekeeper is happy to oblige, and hands him a carefully selected apple from behind the counter. The man takes a bite.

“Peaches!” he exclaims. “I definitely didn’t expect that.”

The storekeeper then smiles and says “That’s only the half of it. Now flip it over and take another bite.”

 

So the man flips it over and takes another bite, and his eyes widen. “Tastes like cream! Peaches and cream! This is brilliant! Are you telling me that every apple in this store is flavored like this?”

 

The storekeeper is now very pleased. He hands the man another apple and tells him to take another bite.

 

“Strawberries!” The man is now speechless.

The storekeeper says “Now flip it over.”

“Chocolate! Chocolate covered strawberries! This is the most amazing thing ever!”

The storekeeper says “We have all kinds of flavors here. Anything you want, we’ve got it!”

 

Still baffled and a little unsure, the man asks “Any flavor I want? Are you certain about this?”

The storekeeper confidently replies “Yessir! Anything you can think of, we’ve got it!”

“Anything??”

“Yes! Just try me.”

 

The man then thinks really hard for a moment, and comes up with something. He says “Well, there’s one thing I haven’t tasted in a very, very long time. I would really like to taste some good pussy again. If you can get me one that tastes like some really good pussy, I’ll finally believe you.”

 

The storekeeper is now delighted, and says “Ah, sir, you’re in luck! I have just the thing for you! Wait here.” Then, he goes into the back room. Minutes later, he comes out with a perfectly shaped, shiny red apple. “Here,” he says excitedly, “try this!”

 

Equally delighted, the man takes the apple, and takes a large bite. He chews it slowly for a moment, but his face quickly turns sour and spits the apple out in disgust.

 

“Shit!! This apple tastes like total shit! What the hell is this you gave me??”

The storekeeper then says, “Ah, now flip it over…”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ventriloquist

 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of dumb blond jokes when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “OK jerk, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes.

 

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?

 

It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person… because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large… all in the name of humor.”

 

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little fucker on your knee!”

 

Joke: Parking ticket

 

So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a copper writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on mate, how about giving a bloke a break?’ He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

 

So I called him a horse f*cker. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t give a shit, my car was parked around the corner…

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Married couple

 

A married couple went out to a nice restaurant to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

 

While driving home the wife saw a tear coming from her husband’s eye so she asks him, “Are you happy that we have spent 50 splendid years together?”

 

He replies, “No. I was just thinking about how after your father found out you were pregnant he threatened me with a shotgun that if I didn’t marry you right there and then he would have me thrown in prison for 50 years. Tomorrow I would have been a free man!”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pay increase

 

The Latina maid asks for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

 

Wife: “Now Juanita, why do you want a pay increase?”

Juanita: “Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do.”

 

Wife: “Who said that you iron better than me?”

Juanita: “Your husband said so.”

 

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Juanita: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

 

Wife: “Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than I am?”

Juanita: “Your husband did.”

 

Wife, becoming increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Juanita: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you are.”

 

Wife, seething now, and through gritted teeth: “And did my husband say that as well?”

 

Juanita: “No Señora…….the gardener did.”

 

Wife: “Oh, ok! So, how much do you want?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding blonde

 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding.

 

He asks if he could see her license.

 

She replied in a huff: “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Barbie Doll

 

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, “How much is Barbie?”

 

“Well,” she says, “we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

 

“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks, “why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”

 

“Yeah, well, it’s like this … Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture …”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Robot

 

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

 

The son says, “I did some schoolwork.”

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”

Son says, “Toy Story.”

 

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching porn.”

Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”

 

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.”

The robot slaps the mother.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old lady

 

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

 

A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

 

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

 

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The rose

 

There was once an Irish actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and could no longer remember his lines.

 

After many years, he finds himself in the St. John’s Theatre in Newfoundland, where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

 

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

 

The Irish actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.

 

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just his thumb and one finger he delivered the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

 

“You bloody fool!” he cried! “You have ruined me!”

The Irish actor was bewildered! “What happened, did I forget my line?”

“No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!”

[worldangel]

Joke: 2 magicians

 

Two magicians walk into a bakery. The first palms 3 donuts. He then snidely challenges the other magician to perform a trick of equal benefit.

 

The second magician then calls the baker and asks for 3 donuts if he’d like to see a magic trick.

 

The baker does his part and provides the donuts. The magician then eats the donuts and exclaims “Ta-Dah.” The bakery is angered and asks “Well what’s the magic trick?” The second magician replies “Look in my friend’s pocket.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old age home

 

Two patients at an old age home (let’s call them John and Mary), have always been close to one another. One day John tells Mary, “Since we are such close friends, I hope that you aren’t embarrassed by this request. My penis is feeling awfully numb and I was hoping that you would hold it for me.”

 

Mary replies, “Of course, John” She takes his junk in her hand and they sit there doing nothing else. Over the next few weeks this becomes a regular event. One day Mary finds another woman holding John’s penis for him.

 

She is outraged. “After all this time you replace me so easily with this woman!” she cries. “What does she have that I don’t?” John smiles at her. “Parkinson’s” he replies.

[worldangel]

Joke: Physical

 

So Tom goes to his doctor for his annual physical while sitting in the examining room he notices a large machine with a lot of lights and buttons looking more complicated than the space shuttle cockpit. The doctor walks in and explains that the new machine can diagnose every possible ailment with just a urine sample.

 

Tom produces the sample the doctor puts it into the machine. After a few moments of flashing lights and whirring noises the machine produces a small printout. The doctor informs Tom that he has tennis elbow. “

 

Tennis elbow that’s ridiculous I have never even played tennis doc I think your machine is broken” The doc explains that this machine is very accurate but if Tom would like to submit another sample tomorrow, that would be all right. So the doctor gave Tom a sample cup to bring home to make it easier.

 

On His Way Home Tom got really angry about the whole thing, pissed off at the whole notion that a machine could replace a doctor so he decides to teach this doc and his machine a lesson. He gets home and has his wife and daughter pee in the cup he pees in the cup somehow he gets the family dog to pee in the cup. He takes the dipstick out of his car swirls that in the cup, and to top it off Tom rubs one out into the cup.

 

The next day Tom feeling father smug watches as the doctor puts the sample in the machine. He laughs to himself as all the lights and noises are going on and when the printout surfaces he braces himself for the win that is coming.

 

“So what’s the verdict ?” Well you are over due for an oil change, your daughter is pregnant, your wife has gonorrhea, your dog has worms and if you don’t stop jerking off that tennis elbow is never going away.

[worldangel]

Joke: First swear

 

You know what?’ says the 5 year old, ‘I think it’s about time we started swearing.’

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

‘When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?’

 

‘Ok’ the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

 

‘Shit mum, I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have some Fruit Loops ‘

WHACK…she spanks him

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

 

She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, ‘And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’

 

‘I don’t know mum, but it won’t be fucking Fruit Loops’

[worldangel]

Joke: Father in nursing home

 

Man has to put his father in a nursing home, and so a week later, the man goes to visit his father.

 

The man is walking down the hall, and he sees his father sitting at the end of the hall between two orderlies.

 

As he walks closer, his father falls over on his left side, and the orderly on that side props him back up.

 

The man continues walking, and sees his father tip over to the right side, and the orderly on that side props him back upright.

 

As he is a few steps away, he sees his father start leaning forward, and both orderlies lock arms with his father, and pull him back upright into a sitting position.

 

The man arrives at his father, and says “Wow, Dad, it looks like they are taking very good care of you.” and his father replies “Sure they are, but they won’t let me fart!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Materialistic

 

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

 

As he’s getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

 

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ‘My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. It’ll simply never be the same again!’

 

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

‘I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,’ he says. ‘You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.’

 

‘How can you say such a thing at a time like this?’ sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, ‘Didn’t you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?’

 

The lawyer looks down in horror.

‘FUCKING HELL!’ he screams……..’My Rolex!!!’

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife math

 

So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.

 

 

The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own. When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:

 

 

I know that you’ve been cheating on me with an 18 year old, but I have an 18 year old of my own and we all know 18 goes into 54 far more than 54 goes into 18.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: First time

Suzy gets invited to go to her first high-school party with alcohol. Her mother is no fool and understands how teenagers are, so she sits Suzy down and gives her the talk “Now Suzy. it is normal for girls and boys your age to begin to have sex. It is natural and nothing to be ashamed of , BUT if you do have sex you need to make the boy wear a condom.

 

Now, most boys just despise wearing condoms so you’re going to have to be clever to get them to wear one. If the boy doesn’t want to wear a condom, tell him you have crabs. If that doesn’t convince him to wear one, tell him that you have gonorrhea. If THAT doesn work, tell him you have herpes. If even THAT doesn’t work, tell him you have AIDS.” So suzy goes to her party and sure enough her and a cute boy end up in a bedroom fooling around. They’re about to have sex and Suzy stops him and tells him to put on a condom.

 

He says its fine they don’t need one, so she tells him she has crabs. He tells her he doesn’t care lets have sex. So she tells him she has gonerrhea and he says he still doesn’t care. Then she tells him she has herpes and he still doesn’t care. She finally tells him that she has AIDS and even THAT doesn’t stop him and they start banging! When they’re finished Suzy says “Wow, you must really really like me if none of that stopped you from wanting me!” and the boy goes “nah, I just already have all those”

[worldangel]

Joke: Deep hole

 

One of them spots a hole in the ground that looks unusually deep. He picks up a rock and throws it in the hole, and never hears it hit the bottom. “Try something heavier?”, the other man suggests.

 

They find a rusty old anvil nearby, pick it up and throw it down the hole. Five seconds later a goat comes speeding toward the hole and falls in. “What the hell was that?”, one of the men say.

 

Just then another man runs up and says “Please, have you seen my goat anywhere?!”. “Yes”, they reply, ”We just saw him run this way and jump into this hole!” The man says, “That’s impossible I had him tied to an anvil.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Goose following

 

A man is on his way to the movie theater when a goose starts following him.

He gets to the theater and the goose is right behind him. He asks for a ticket to the movie and the theater owner meets him at the door and say “I’m sorry but you can’t bring that goose in here.”

 

The man replies “it’s been following me for the past mile and a half, I can’t get rid of him.” The manager says “that’s not my fault, I’m sorry but I can’t let you in with that goose.”

 

So the man goes around the corner and stuffs the goose down his pants. He heads back and hands the manager the ticket at the door and heads in. He heads straight to his theater door and sees that it’s a pretty crowded theater, so he finds a seat next to two old ladies.

 

The movie starts and the lights get dim, it’s at this point the goose starts getting agitated and rustles around in the man’s pants. The goose starts rustling more and more and even starts grunting.

 

At this point the man unzips his zipper and allows the goose to pop his head out and stretch his neck. This catches the eye of one of the little old ladies, she is baffled by this, turns to her friend and says “at my age, you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all, but this one’s eating my popcorn!”

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy foes hunting

 

A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blew. The gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

 

“Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot..”

 

“What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.

 

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

 

“Well I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly,” answered the doctor.

 

“She’s a flute player in the Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye..”

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting divorced

 

An old man calls up his son and says, “Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

 

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

 

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. “I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her,” and he hangs up.

 

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” and calls her father immediately. “You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

 

The old man turns to his wife and says “Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfare.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two guys drinking

 

These two guys are drinking in a bar 30 floors up in a skyscraper. One guy turns to the other and says, “did you know that the wind is really unique around this particular skyscraper?” “How so?” asks the other. “Well, somehow, the updraft is so strong that you can jump out the window and it will carry you right back up.”

 

“Bullshit,” says the other. “No really! I’ll prove it to you!” says the first guy. Then he gets up, opens the window and jumps out. The second runs up and watches out the window, as the first guy falls down past ten floors, than slowly stops, and drifts back up. “See? I told you so.”

 

The second guys downs his drink and says, “Goodness, I gotta try this!” Then he jumps out the window and falls past ten floors, then twenty floors, then, with a scream, he falls past the last ten floors and splats on the ground.

 

The first guy sits down and orders a drink. As he’s serving it to him, the bartender says, “Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hotel room

 

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere.” he pleaded. “Or just a bed–I don’t care where.”

 

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

 

“No problem,” the tired traveler assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope. I shut him up in no time?”

 

“How’d you manage that?”

“He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room,” John said. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The key

 

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires: “I’m leaving for the crusade.

 

Here is the key to my wife’s chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven’t returned, you may use the key as I’m sure she will have needs.”

 

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe.

He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing extremely fast across the drawbridge, yelling: Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

 

Thank goodness I was able to catch you, the squire says. This is the wrong key!

[worldangel]

Joke: First day of school

 

Two small boys meet on the first day of school

“My name is Mikey. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Ricky,” replied the second.

 

“My Daddy’s a truck driver, What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Mikey.

Ricky replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”

 

“Honest?” asked Mikey.

“No, just the regular kind”, replied Ricky.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dugly gets a tattoo
 

Dugly gets home late one night and his wife, Sarah, says, “Where in the hell have you been?”

Dugly replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

 

“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,” he said proudly.

 

“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

 

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde driver

 

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

 

He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

 

He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

 

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh, you think that’s funny? Watch this.”

 

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she is giggling and has a smile on her face. He is getting really pissed.

 

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she’s laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

 

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

“What’s so funny?” The truck driver asked the blonde.

 

She replied, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Deaf couple

 

A deaf couple in bed with the lights out are having trouble communicating to each other about whether or not they want to have sex. The husband has tried on a few nights, when the wife just isn’t in the mood.

 

The wife decides that they need to have a system, so that they will know, in the dark, whether sex is an option for that night.

The wife explains to the husband, “If you’re not in the mood for sex, squeeze my breasts once; if you’re in the mood, squeeze them twice.”

 

The husband agrees that this is a great idea, and suggests to her, “If you’re in the mood for sex, pull on my penis once. If you’re not in the mood for sex, pull on my penis 300 times.”

[worldangel]

Joke: By the mental hospital

 

A man is walking past the mental hospital.

 

Through the wood board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen…thirteen…thirteen.

 

 

Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye!

He jumps back in pain holding his eye

 

Then he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen…fourteen…fourteen.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the hotel

 

An old married couple is traveling by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room at a hotel. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

 

When they checked of the hotel out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

 

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

 

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said.

 

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

 

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”

 

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed topay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.

 

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

 

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnant woman

 

A pregnant woman got shot 3 times and recovered, but the bullets were never found. Later she had triplets, two girls and one boy.

Many years later, the first girl came up to her mom and told about how she peed out a bullet.

 

The next day the second came up and the mother said, “Lemme guess, you peed out a bullet too.” She was right.

 

The next day her young boy came up to his mom and says, “Mom, I’m so ashamed of what just happened” The mother replied, “Aw, honey, it’s alright, your sisters peed out a bullet too, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

 

“No, that’s not it” he said. “I was jerkin’ off, and I think I shot the dog”

[worldangel]

Joke: Daughters

 

A Blonde, Brunette and red head are having lunch, chatting about their daughters…..

The Redhead says “I can’t believe it, I was looking through my daughter’s purse and I found a little bottle of alcohol, I didn’t know my daughter drank”.

 

The Brunette says, “OMG, you too? I was just looking through MY daughter’s purse and found a pack of cigarettes, I didn’t know my daughter smoked!”

 

The Blonde then jumps in….”I can’t believe it, I was going through MY daughter’s purse and found a pack of condoms, I didn’t know my daughter had a penis!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Check-up

 

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ‘H’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?”

 

asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

 

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

 

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.

 

“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An old lady in a bank

 

An old lady walks into a bank with $10,000 in cash and says that she would like to deposit it into an account. The male banker asks her where in the world she got $10,000. “Oh, I’m just really good at making bets,” says the old lady.

 

“really, you made all this money from betting?” asks the banker.

 

“Yep,” said the old lady. “I’ll make a bet with you just to prove it. I will bet you $5,000 that your balls are square.”

 

stunned, not expecting to hear something like this, the banker replies that this is untrue.

“Oh yes, I bet you your balls are square. Tell you what, I’ll leave and come back tomorrow after you’ve had time to go home and check for yourself”.

 

The banker thinks to himself that this woman is clearly nuts, but thinks this is quite an easy way to make $5,000 since he is certain his balls are not square.

Next day comes around, and the old woman shows up with a man with her. The banker wonders who the man is, but shrugs it off.

 

“Okay, sonny, drop your pants, let’s see em! I have to inspect them to make sure I was right,” says the old woman. The banker does this and the old woman closely examines the banker’s balls.

 

“Well, it looks like you were right, they are not square!” says the old woman.

 

As she does this, the man she was with starts crying. The banker is confused.

“what’s with him?” he asks.

 

“Oh, I bet him $20,000 I’d have your pants down and your balls in my hands by the time we left”.

[worldangel]

Joke: Captain

 

So a three-masted sailing ship is leaving port. Just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down “Sir! There’s an enemy ship on the horizon!”

 

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts “Bring me my red shirt!”

 

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships close to fighting range and fight all day, with many heroics on both sides, but with the captain and his red shirt standing alive and victorious as the other ship sinks behind them in the sunset light.

 

Later that night the cabin boy is curious and asks the captain why he needed his red shirt, and the captain replies “Well, with my red shirt on, none of the men would see me bleeding if I was wounded, and so they would not lose heart and continue to fight on to victory!”'

 

The cabin boy thinks that’s pretty clever and goes to bed for the night.

The next day, the captain is standing on the deck as they sail along when the lookout shouts down “Sir! Twenty enemy ships on the horizon!”

 

And the captain turns to his cabin boy and says “Bring me my brown pants!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Prison

 

A guy gets sent to prison. His first day in the yard they are told to walk in a circle, no talking allowed between the prisoners. After a few minutes somebody yells “16″ and the whole yard errupts with laughter.

 

They continue walking in circles when someone else shouts out “54″ and again everybody starts dying laughing. The new guy, being confused, whispers to the guy in front, “Hey what’s with the numbers?”

 

The other prisoner tells him , “well since we arent allowed to speak to one another we’ve memorized jokes and assigned numbers to them all. When somebody shouts out a number, we think of the joke and then laugh”.

 

“Finally the new guy decides to make his mark, “18″ he yells…and the entrie courtyard bursts into laughter! People rolling on the ground, tears streaming, and uncontrollable laughter.

 

When everything calmed down, the new guy asked the man in front of him, “Why did everyone laugh so much harder at that one?”

The convict replies, “We’ve never heard that one before!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three spies

 

Three female spies – a blonde, brunette, and a redhead – are captured by the enemy and sentenced to die before a firing squad. On the morning of the execution they take the redhead out of the holding cell, blindfold her, and put her up against the wall.

 

The firing squad shoulders their rifles. The command comes: “Ready, aim…”

Suddenly the redhead yells, “TORNADO!”

 

Panicked, the riflemen drop their guns and go running away in all directions. The prisoner manages to escape during the confusion.

 

“Hey, did you see that?” says the brunette to her cellmate.

“I don’t get it,” says the blonde.

“She yelled out the name of a natural disaster, then escaped when the firing squad ran away. I’m gonna try that!”

 

So they take the brunette out and put her against the wall. “Ready, aim…”

“FLOOD!” shouts the brunette, and she escapes when the panicked soldiers go running.

 

“Oh, I get it!” says the blonde.

So they reassemble the riflemen and bring out the blonde. They put her up against the wall. “Ready, aim…”

 

And the blonde throws back her head and yells, “FIRE!!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pirate

 

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he’s pouring it the bartender asks “So what’s the story with the leg?”

 

“Well it were many a year ago,” says the pirate. “I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night.”

 

“That’s terrible,” says the bartender. “What about the hand?”

“Well it were the very next day,” says the pirate. “I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night.”

 

“Wow,” says the bartender. “So what about the eye?”

“Well it were the very next day,” says the pirate. “I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!”

 

“Oh man,” says the bartender. “And that blinded you?”

“Well no,” says the pirate. “But it were me first day with the hook.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The boss

 

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ”How much is the yellow one?”

 

The assistant says, ”$2000.” The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive. The assistant explains, ”This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.” ”What about the green one?” the man asks.

 

The assistant says, ”He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.” ”What about the red one?” the man asks. The assistant says, ”That one’s $10,000.”

 

 

The man says, ”What does HE do?” The assistant says, ”I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The taxman

 

At the end of the tax year, The Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

 

“Good question,” noted the executive. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

 

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. ”What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the executive, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster.”

 

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. “Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”

 

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the executive. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three mice in a bar

 

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

 

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: “When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times.”

 

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”

 

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Trouble asking a girl out

 

Dugly has been eyeing this girl at school for months now, infatuate with her big booty. There’s a big dance coming up. He knows she doesn’t have a date, and he would give anything to go with her- but there’s a problem. Whenever he gets close to her, he gets an erection that would rival that of Charlie Sheen in an unsupervised pharmacy.

 

He thinks he has a solution: just call her! He calls her, and stutters a bit on the phone, but she finds his stammering cute and accepts his proposal. “Pick me up at seven,” she says. “Oh joyous day!” says Dugly. His joy is short-lived, however, because he realizes that he has only delayed the inevitable. How can he conceal his boner? He tries a number of solutions, including willpower, distractions, baggy pants– nothing works.

 

Finally, he decides to just tie it to his leg. Feeling confident, he heads off to her house. He’s all dressed up, he brought her flowers, his car is cleaned, everything is in order. He walks up to the door and rings the bell. She opens the door. He kicks her in the face.

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde is on a vacation

 

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet café and goes up to the guy at the desk.

 

She says: “I’m sorry, but I’m broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I could do that for free? I don’t even have enough to pay the fee here.”

The guy at the front desk asks her in his creepiest voice: “Do you really need to contact your mother?”

 

“Yes” she answers. “I really need to contact my mother.”

“And you would do anything?”

 

“Yes I would do anything to contact my mother.”

“Really anything?”

Exasperated, the blonde answers: “Yes, yes, yes, I would do anything.”

 

“Well, then.” the guy says “Why don’t you just follow me to the back room.”

So she does. The guy pulls down his pants. The blonde is a bit irritated at first, but thinks that what must be must be. He pulls down his underpants.

 

“Well,” He says “Do it!”

So the blond gets down on her knees in front of him. She licks her lips. She bends forward and whispers: “Hello, mom? Can you hear me?”