Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up fxxking everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married.

Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!"

Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it." So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice.

This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin.

The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it!

What sould I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!"

[worldangel]

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

[worldangel]

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

[worldangel]

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

[worldangel]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

[worldangel]

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy.

John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex.

He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.

After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.

The guy said,

[worldangel]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!".

So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[worldangel]

A man was shipwrecked on an isolated island with nobody for company except his faithful dog. Life was getting monotonous until one day he spotted a sheep on the other side of the island.

Slowly approaching the sheep, he managed to get it into position and was about to mount it when suddenly his dog gave out a frantic bark and he had to give up the idea. A second and subsequent attempts by the man to approach the sheep from the rear met with similar frustrations.

Then one day, a pretty girl was washed ashore almost lifeless, a victim of another shipwreck. After some furious efforts at resuscitation, the man managed to revive the girl.

The girl thanked the man profusely. "I'm so grateful I'd do anything for you. Anything." she said."Good!" said the love-struck man happily, "Can you watch my dog for fifteen minutes?"

[worldangel]

Three men died and to meet them at heaven's gate was Saint Peter. "Before you can proceed any further," he told them, "I will ask each of you a simple question; if you can give me the correct answer, I will open this gate and you may proceed to heaven. If you cannot give me the correct answer, I'll send you down into hell."

He asked the first man, "Who was the first man the God created." "It's so easy; Adam!" he answered. Saint Peter smiled approvingly at the answer, opened the gate and allowed the man to proceed to heaven.

He then asked the second man, "Who was the first woman that God created?" "It's so easy; Eve!" he answered. Saint Peter was happy with the answer and opened the gate for the man to proceed to heaven.

Turning to the third man, he asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?" "It's so hard," he said.

Hearing that, St. Peter without any hesitation, sent him into hell. :oops:

[worldangel]

A tie salesman was passing by in Arizona when he saw a man crawling in the desert and calling out to him, "Water! Water!"

Without paying any heed to him, he bent over and tried to sell the man a tie. The man shook his head and simply repeated, "Water! Water!"

After trying very hard to sell the man a tie but to no avail, he just left him where he was.

A mirage then appeared before our man in the desert. The man crawled rapidly towards the mirage and eventually found himself at the entrance of a plush hotel. At the door was the tie salesman.

"Water! Water!" he cried out again.

The salesman answered, "You can't enter without a tie."

[worldangel]

Terry joined the army and was terrified about having to make his first parachute jump. On the day of the jump he told his wife that he couldn't do it but she reassured him and sent him off for the jump. On his return she asked him how it went.

"Dreadful!" he said. "When the plane got to 10,000 feet, we lined up for the jump and when it got to my turn I just froze in the doorway!"

"So what happened?" she pressed.

"The Sergeant came up behind me pulled out his huge dick and said that if I didn't jump he's stick it right up my arse!" said the embarrassed husband.

"Well did you jump?" she asked "Yes, - a little bit at first..."

[worldangel]

A condom saleswoman was stranded in the countryside and had to put up the night with a farmer and his two hilly-billy sons.

In the middle of the night, she crept into the room where the two brothers were sleeping and woke them up for a bout of passionate love making. She explained that the condoms were to ensure that she did not get pregnant. The next morning she bade them farewell and started off from the farm.

Weeks passed and then one brother spoke to the other: "It has been some time now that she's gone and I don't think she'll ever get pregnant. Let's take these dam things off." :oops:

[worldangel]

Little Johnnie was learning new words.

"Mum, what's pussy?"

Mother pointed at the cat and said, "That's a pussy."

"Mum, what's a bitch?"

Mother pointed to their female dog and said, "That's a bitch."

Johnnie wanted to confirm this information with his father.

"Daddy!" he said excitedly, "What's a pussy?"

Father pulled out the centrefold of the Playboy magazine and drew a circle around the appropriate part.

"Son", he said, "that's a pussy."

"Well, Dad, what's a bitch?"

"Everything outside the circle", replied his father.

[worldangel]

It was the young couple's first night of wedded bliss. They undressed each other tentatively, he admiring her beautiful body and she his fine physique. When she removed his sock, the last item of clothing, she saw that he had no toes on his left foot.

Shocked at this terrible deformity, she ran sobbing into the night, back to her mother.

"I told you what to expect", said her mother. "I've given you good sex education. What's the problem?"

"It's not that", she cried. "When he stripped off, he only had three quaters of a foot."

"Oh!", said mother. "Why don't you finish the dishes and go off to bed. I'll be back in the morning."

[worldangel]

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

[worldangel]

Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, "Stop! If you take one more step you will be killed!" The woman stopped, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path.

A minutes or two after that, she was getting ready to cross the street when same voice bellowed, "Halt! Don't cross the street now!" An out-of-control beer truck soon careened around the corner and didn't even slow down as it ran the red light.

Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice replied. "I imagine you have some questions for me."

"You bet I do," the woman said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"

[worldangel]

Little Harold was hopping on one foot then the other.

"I gotta piss! I gotta piss!", he cried to his mother in front of her friends.

Mother took him to the toilet and explained to him that next time he wanted to go to the toilet, he should not use those words. She said he should come in and talk quietly - "That's a whisper" she said.

Two hours later, Harold came rushing in again.

"I wanna whisper! I wanna whisper!", he said.

His mother knew what he wanted and took him to the toilet, after which he was rewarded with a candy bar.

That night the urge came on again. Harold jumped out of bed and ran to his father.

"What is it, son?", his father asked.

"I wanna whisper, Daddy. I wanna whisper."

"O.K. son, come here and whisper in my ear."

[worldangel]

The middle aged man was suffering from stress and depression.

"Relax!", was the doctor's advise.

"Do you drink alcohol?"

"No", said the patient, "never touch it."

"There's no harm in a few glasses of wine every night", said the doctor. "Even a cigaratte. And have sex, at least once a week. From what you've told me, sex is essential."

Two months later, the patient returned to the doctor,saying he felt much better. He enjoyed a couple of glasses of wine and a couple of cigarretes every night.

"And sex. What about sex?", asked the doctor.

"That's a bit difficult. Only once a month", replied the patient. "I'm the parish priest in a small country town." :oops:

[worldangel]

The young guy was a weight lifter and very proud of his physique.

"After I won Gold at the Olympics", he told his new girlfriend, "I got quite a few advertising contracts. Have a look at this." He rolled up his sleeves. On each of his biceps he had 'NIKE' tattooed.

"A thousand dollars for each arm", he said.

He removed his shirt. 'SLAZENGER' was tattooed over his chest.

"I got $10,000 for that one."

He removed his trousers and displayed "PUMA' tattooed on his legs. "And I got $5,000 for this", he added.

But when she saw "AIDS' tattooed on his penis, she was horrified and ran for the door.

"Don't go!", he said. "If you stay you'll find out why I got $20,000 from Adidas.

[worldangel]

Private Smith's mother had died unexpectedly and the Sergeant Major had to break the news to him.

"Break it gently to him", advised his Lieutenant.

It was parade time, and the Sergeant Major was giving his troops a quick inspection.

"Brown! Straighten your hat! Jones! Your shoes are filthy. Johnson! Button up your jacket. Smith! Your mother's dead."

Smith's knees buckled, and he was carted off to Sick Bay.

A few weks later, Private Smith's father died, and the Sergeant Major again had to pass on the bad news.

"Break it to him gently", said the Lieutenant.

"You saw what happened last time."

Out on the parade ground, the Sergeant Major called his men to attention.

"All those who have father take one step forward!", he roared. "And where do you think you're going, Private Smith?"

[worldangel]

Every seat in the football stadium was sold except one. It was Grand final day. A television reporter noticed the empty seat and thought there might be a story.

"Why is this seat empty"", he asked a man sitting beside it.

"That's my wife's seat", came the reply.

"Then why isn't she here?"

"She died last week", replied the man.

"I'm so sorry to hear that", said the reporter, "but surely you could have found a friend to come with you today."

"No", replied the man, "they're all at the funeral." :oops:

[worldangel]

A lawyer, suspecting his wife of having an affair, called his home one afternoon to check on her.

"I am Nicholson," the lawyer introduced himself to the other person who he believed to be the new maid his wife had taken in earlier in the morning.

"Can I speak to Mrs. Nicholson?"

"I'm afaid Mrs. Nicholson cannot come to the phone", she answered.

"Ah, you mean she has gone out?" asked the lawyer.

"No, as a matter of fact she is in the bedroom," she answered.

"I see, she must be sleeping?" the lawyer asked.

"No. The milkman is with her," she said. Enraged, the lawyer said, "I will pay you $10,000 if you can kill both of them. There should be no trouble at all but if there is any hitch, I will be able to defend you in court."

He then gave instructions for her to get the gun from the study and shoot his wife and the milkman. After a while he heard two gun shots over the phone.

"I have already killed both of them," he heard the frightened voice of the maid on the other side.

"Good! Now slowly drag the bodies into the swimming pool, " instructed the lawyer.

"What swimming pool?" enquired the maid. :oops:

[worldangel]

"We specialise In Hygiene", said the sign at the bread shop.

The customer was delighted when she saw the baker pick up her rolls with a pair of tongs and put them in a bag.

"Untouched by human hands!", said the baker.

"Very good!" said the customer, "but tell me, what is that piece of string hanging out of your fly?"

"Hygiene!", said the baker. "When I have a piss I pull it out with the string. My hand never touches my dick."

"How do you put it back?", asked the customer. With the tongs", replied the baker. :oops:

[worldangel]

Francis had the flu.

"Why don't you take the day off?" said one of his workmates. "But the boss wouldn't like it", said Francis, coughing and sneezing.

"Don't worry, he's never here on Wednesdays anyway."

So Francis took his friend's advice and went home. As he passed his bedroom window, he saw his boss in bed with his wife. He rushed back to the office and said to his mate, "That was a close one, to be sure. I nearly got caught!" :oops:

[worldangel]

A man walked into a bar and saw an old friend dejectedly nursing a drink. "You look terrible," the man said.

"My mother died in July and left me $10,000," the friend replied. "Then in August my father died and left me $20,000."

"That's tough, losing both parents in two months."

"Then to top it off," the friend said, "my aunt died last month and left me $50,000."

"How sad."

"Tell me about it," the friend continued. "So far this month, nothing."

[worldangel]

A woman rushed up to the manager of the movie theatre and complained that she had been molested in the front stalls.

The manager calmed her down and was ushering her to another seat when another woman complained to him that she had been molested in the front stalls too.

The manager went down to the front and shone his torch along the floor where he saw a bald man crawling along on his hands and knees.

"What are you doing?" demanded the manager.

The bald man looked up. "I've lost my toupee. It fell off in the dark. I had my hand on it twice but it got away!"

[worldangel]

He was obviously trying to impress her as they walked into the jewellery shop on Friday night.

"Choose any diamond ring you'd like, darling", he said, gesturing flamboyantly.

She chose a five carat setting worth $40,000.

"Can I pay by cheque?", he asked the manager.

"Certainly, sir, but of course you understand that we will have to keep the ring until the cheque is cleared."

A few days later, he returned to the jewellers.

The concerned manager said, "I'm afraid your cheque has bounced."

"Yes, I know", he said, "I just dropped by to thank you and say that I had a really great weekend."

[worldangel]

Leo went to the doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor checked his heart and blood pressure and frowned.

"You've got ten hours to live", he said.

"I demand a second opinion", said Leo, and rushed off to a heart specialist.

The heart specialist checked him out immediately and said, "Leo, you've got nine hours to live."

Leo jumped into his car and raced home to his wife.

"Darling", he said, "I have only eight hours to live."

"What do you want to do in your final hours, Leo?"

"I want to make love", said Leo.

So they jumped into bed.

During their post coital cigaretter, Leo said, "I've got seven hours to live. Can we make love again?"

"Of course", said his loving wife.

After another hour, and another post coital cigarette, he said, "Darling, I have only six hours to live, Lets do it again."

"For Christ's sake, Leo", she said, "It's O.K. for you! You don't have to get up early in the morning."

[worldangel]

The girl had never been into a bar before, and she asked the barman to recommend a drink.

"Try this", he suggested, and mixed her up a dry martini.

She thought it was great, but an hour and six martinis later, she was asleep on the floor, dead drunk.

The barman asked a couple of regulars to help him carry her out to the back room, where one of them suggested that they give her a quickie while she was out cold.

Next night, she returned to the bar and got stuck into the martinis again. As before, she finished up dead drunk. The same three carried her out the back and bonked her again. This went on for a week.

When she came back on the eight night, the barman started mixing the martinis as soon as she walked through the door.

"I'll have a scoth tonight!", she said. "Those martinis make my cunt sore!"

[worldangel]

One sunny Sunday, Superman was flying around with nothing to do, so he decided to drop in on Batman.

"Hi, Bat", said Superman, "let's go down the pub and have a beer."

"Not today, Super. My Batmobile's broken down and I've got to fix it. Can't fight crime without it, you know."

Disappointed, Superman went over to Spiderman's place.

"Let's go down the pub for a drink, Spider."

"Sorry Super. I've got a problem with my web gun. Can't fight without it, you know."

Dejectedly, Superman took to the air again, and decided to drop by on Wonder Woman. There she was, lying on her back out on her balcony, stark naked and writhing around. Superman conceived a cunning idea. "Everyone says I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and I've always wondered what sort of screw she'd be'.

So he zoomed down, did her in a flash and zoomed off.

What the hell was that!", cried Wonder Woman.

"I don't know, but it hurt like hell!" said the Invisible Man.

[worldangel]

A young man went to the psychiatrist complaining that he was getting married and he was worried about the small size of his penis. The psychiatrist advised him to go and stay on a dairy farm, and every morning, dip his penis in milk and get is sucked by a calf.

Some time later, the young man met the psychiatrist in the street.

"How's the marriage going?", asked the psychiatrist.

"I never got married", said the young man. "I cancelled it and bought the calf." :oops:

[worldangel]

She was gazing in the window of the shoe shop, admiring a beautiful pair of black Italian stiletto heeled shoes, priced far beyond her capacity to pay.

The shoe salesman in the shop beckoned her in. "You can have those shoes if you come to bed with me", he said.

"O.K.", she replied, "but I should tell you, I don't like sex very much."

He gave her the shoes and they booked into a motel room. They took off their clothes and jumped into bed. He humped away while she lay passively, missionary style. Suddenly, she threww her legs up into the air and cried, "Wonderful!.....Beautiful!..... Oh my God, so lovely!....."

"I thought you didn't like sex", he panted.

"I don't", she replied, "I'm just admiring my beautiful new shoes."

[clementi]

The old chief priest in the remote monastry was sickly and dying, and the time had come for him to choose among the other priests, the one most suitable to suceed him.

He called all of them togehter one day and announced that he had devised an ingenious plan to determine the holiest among them. He then gave out to each of the priests a samll drum and asked that they tied it around their waists. Having done so, they stood in a semi circle while the chef priest clapped his hands.

Immediately, from henind the curtains came a bevy of flimsily clad dancers who began to perform the most provocative routine in front of the shocked priests. As the tempo increased, there were drumming sounds coming from the waists of all but one priest.

Approaching this particular priest, the chief priest announced that he had found his successor, at the same time admonishing the rest of the herd for their lack of sanctity. Calling this priest to face the crowd, he lifted his attire but, horror of horrors, he discovered that the drum had broken through!

[clementi]

A man is out in the wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning"

The old man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst - torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst -torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost".

[worldangel]

I've got to a change jobs", the patient said to his psychiatrist. "I've worked in a pickled onion factory for ten years, and last week I started to get this uncontrollable urge to put my dick in the onion peeler."

The psychiatrist explain about workplace stress and told him he must learn to relax. But a week later, the patient was back.

"I don't think I can control myself much longer", he said. "The urge is getting greater. I'm going to put my dick in the onion peeler any day now."

The psychiatrist prescribed Valium.

A month later, the patient was back on the psychiatrist's couch."I've lost my job", he said. "I finally stuck my dick into onion peeler."

"My God!", said the psychiatrist. "What heppened then?" "I got fired. And Betty, the onion peeler, got fired too."

[worldangel]

The young parents used code words when discussing sex in front of their children. The terms for intercourse ws "washing machine".

They were lying in bed one night when he said to her, "Darling, washing machine."

"Not now, I've got a headache", she replied.

An hour later, he ran his hand down her leg and said, "Darling, washing machine, please! washing machine."

"I've got a headache!", she complained.

An hour later, feeling sorry for him, she turned to him and said, "O.K. washing machine."

"Don't worry", he replied, "it was a small load so I did it by hand."

[worldangel]

A man was caught with a blown tyre in a remote locality in the middle of the night but could not change the tyre because there was no jack in his car. The only alternative would be to ask for assistance from the occupants of a farm house a mile down the road.

As he walked, he contemplated answers for likely questions he was likely to encounter from the irate occupants: "What the hell do you want at this hour of night?", "Why didn't you carry a jack in your car like everybody else?", "If I lend it to you, how am I to know that I'd get it back?"

On reaching the farm house, he knocked on the door with uneasy expectations. Very slowly the door opened and he was greeted by a pleasant voice, "I see you are in trouble. How can I help you?"

"You can bloody well keep your jack!" the man answered and left the scene.

[worldangel]

Jobs were hard to get but there was a vacancy at the zoo. On arrival, Pat was told that the gorilla had just died and that they wanted him to put on a gorilla suit and pretend to be a gorilla untill another one could be found.

Pat began to enjoy his job a great deal. Eating bananas, swinging from branch to branch, entertaining the spectators and laying in the sunshine.

One day, while putting on a performance for a big crowd, he swung a bit too far and landed in the lion enclosure next door. He jumped to his feet when he saw two lions growling fiercely.

He ran to the bars, screaming for help. He turned round and faced the lions and one said, "If you don't stop that bloody screaming and shouting, we'll all lose our jobs."

[worldangel]

Little Johnnie was at the zoo with his Mum and Dad. He had never seen an elephant before.

"What's that thing hanging between it's front legs, mum?"

"That's it's trunk."

"And what's that thing hanging between his back legs?'

Embarrassed Mum said, "That's nothing."

Johnnie wasn't happy with this answer and asked his father for confirmation.

"What's that thing hanging between his back legs, Dad?"

"That's his penis", said Dad.

"Mum said it's nothing."

"Yes, but your mother's been spoiled."

[worldangel]

Garry was depressed, he told his psychiatrist, because he thought he was gay.

"Why do you feel that way?"

"Because my father was a gay."

"Being gay is not hereditary", said the psychiatrist.

"My brother is gay."

"That still doesn't mean that you are".

"My Uncle Bruce is gay. And my cousin Jeffrey is gay."

The psychiatrist gave a concerned look and frowned.

"Does anyone in your family have sexual contact with women?", he asked.

"Yes", said Garry, "my sister does."

[worldangel]

I am Peter Stuyvesant

I have two friends, Benson and Hedges

I came from the city of Malrboro

In the Salem high country

I always carry a Mild Seven

I rode on a White Horse

Going to Kingsway in Kent

It was Lucky Strike I fell in love

With the daughter of Master Duke

Her name was YSL

We got married by Perillys, the priest

We checked in at the house of Dunhill

And book into room number 555

I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf

I played with her two Matterhorns

When I poked in my Rothmans King Size

She cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider!!!"

You are riding like a mad Camel

When I asked her if she is satisfied

She answered, "I want More!!!!!"

[clementi]

After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country

for America returns to visit the family.

"But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.

"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."

"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"

"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."

"But kosher food you still eat?"

"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."

The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me--you are still circumcised?"

[clementi]

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It

shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble

because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following

examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately,

the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been

printed that the phrase means, "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed

with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese

characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be

loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi

Generation" came out, as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-licking' good" came

out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got

translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so

refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was

apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured

out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to

the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to

say, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company

mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads

said that "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which

promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish,

the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious

p--no magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into

Schweppes Toilet Water.

[worldangel]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

[worldangel]

The elderly man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemies; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the enemies had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[worldangel]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.". "What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".

"You gave birth to a child!".

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth.

One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

[worldangel]

The tenant crept into the bed with the landlord's wife and proceeded to seduce her. She angrily pushed him away and said, "Stop it, or I will tell my husband."

Undaunted, he continued with his antics. Eventually she relented and he succeeded in making love to her.

After a short while she got restless and began to nudge and prod at the tenant and got him to make love to her for a second time. And before he could doze off, she rolled on top of him yet again and in no uncertain terms conveyed to him what she wanted. Sleepily he said, "Stop it or I will tell your husband."

[worldangel]

A man and woman and their daughter were sitting in their living room one afternoon when the wife said to her husband, "Dear, I think you ought to have something done to our front yard.

The grass is all dried up and is turning brown." "I guess you are right, dear," replied her husband, "I'll have some men spread manure on it tomorrow."

Just then the man was called to the phone, and after he had left, the daughter said to her mother" "I wish that you would teach daddy to use the word "fertiliser" instead of that awful word 'manure'. After all, it is not dignified.

"Daughter, I believe in letting well alone," replied the mother. "It took me twenty-seven years to teach him to say 'manure'.

[worldangel]

A medical salesman introduced a new brand of condoms, Force condoms, in a small town and persuaded the owner of the drug store to allow him to do up an arrangement in the display window as an advertising gimick.

The next day, a huge crowd gathered at the drug store, attracted by the items in the dispaly window.

The rival drug store on the other side of the road in a counter action came up with a sign in clear bold letters displayed at its windows: WHY USE FORCE WHEN YOU CAN USE VASELINE?

[worldangel]

A visitor from the countryside came into town one day and found himself lost in the maze of buildings and intricate road systems. He approached a town folk to ask for direction to his destination.

The town folk explained the routes to him but there was a look of consternation on the face of the stranger.

"Would that bring me to the place where I want to go?" he asked in bewilderment.

"No," answered the town folk, "that would bring you back here again so that I may give you further instructions. If I were to tell you everything at one go, you will get confused."