Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 prostitutes

 

Three are sitting at a bar.

 

First one holds up four fingers “I can take that inside me” she says.

 

 

“Well, I can take this” says the second, holding up a fist.

 

 

The third one slides slowly down the bar stool.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Father and Son Sex Talk

 

A father and son are having the talk about sex.

After a few minutes, the son says, “Dad, I know all that stuff. We went over it in Health class.”

 

Dad says, “Well, do you have any questions?”

“Yeah, I have one about condoms.”

“What do you need to know?”

 

“When I was in the drugstore, I saw that they sell them by the dozen. Who needs that many at once?”

 

“That’s an easy one, son. You saw that they sell packages of three. High schoolers buy those. One for Friday, one for Saturday, one for the rest of the week. They also sell packages of six. College students buy those. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, two for the rest of the week.”

 

“OK dad, but what about the dozen?”

“Married people buy those. One for January, one for February…”

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Dale & Dugly

 

One morning Dale was sitting on his dock enjoying the sunrise when Dugly pulls up in his boat filled with duct tape. Dale looks at him, and asks “what you doing with a boat full of duct tape?” Dugly replies “I’m going duck hunting! You wanna come?” “You can’t hunt ducks with duct tape, and no I ain’t coming” replied Dale. So Dugly leaves. Later in the day Dale sees Dugly fly by in his boat, and low and behold its full of ducks. “Well i’ll be damned!” says Dale.

\

The next morning as Dale is enjoying the sunrise, Dugly pulls up in his boat again, this time with a boat full of gatorade. Sarcastically Dale says “Let me guess, you gonna catch gators with gatorade?” “Yep, you wanna come?” says Dugly. “You can’t catch gators with gatorade…No I ain’t coming!” So Dugly leaves. Later that day Dale sees Dugly fly by in his boat, and it was filled with gators. “Well i’ll be damned!” says Dale.

 

The next morning as Dale is enjoying the sunrise, Dugly pulls up in his boat agian…this time with a boat full of pussy willows. Dale thinks for a second and says…”Hold on let me get my hat”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Ducks in heaven

 

Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual speel that everyone gets when they’re about to enter, and as they are walking in he says ” By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don’t step on a duck.” The three friends think this is an odd rule, but they agree to it and step in.

 

The second they enter they realize that the final rule might be harder to follow than they thought. Heaven is TEEMING with ducks! Try as they might, they quickly realize that avoiding the birds is going to be a difficult task. And then it happens, “QUACK!” Friends Two and Three look over in shock as Friend One steps on a duck. Quickly, an angel rushes over with one of the most unattractive people the three of them have ever seen. “Because you stepped on a duck, you are condemned to spend the rest of you time in the Kingdom shackled to this person. Have a good eternity.” The angel shackles the two together and flies off.

 

After seeing what happened to Friend One, the other two are more wary of the consequences and begin treading extremely lightly. The two of them make it another three days before, on the dawn of the fourth day, a loud “QUACK” is heard. Friend Two looks to Friend Three, wide-eyed, fearing the worst. The angel rushes over, ties Friend Two to a hideous being, and flies away.

 

The third friend, now petrified that this will be his fate, becomes incredibly paranoid, barely walking anywhere. He lasts one week, two weeks, but on the beginning of the third week an angel brings one of the most stunningly beautiful people the friend has ever seen, shackles the two of them together, and flies off. Bewildered and excited, Friend Three proclaims, “Wow! What did I do to deserve this?” And the person the friend is shackled to turns and replies “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bear and Rabbit

 

A bear and a rabbit were pooping in the woods.\

 

The bear looked at the rabbit and said “do u have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”.

\

The Rabbit said “no, why?”.

 

So the bear picked him up and wiped his ass with him.

[clementi]

Joke: At a bar

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

 

She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Professor liked to tell dirty jokes

 

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

 

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. “They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.”

 

The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. “Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Feel like a woman

 

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

 

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”

 

 

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

 

No one moves. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: “Iron this.”

[clementi]

Joke: 5^th grade class assignment

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment, to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began telling their stories.

 

Krissy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have lots of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car. We stop

ed suddenly and the basket went flying and the eggs all broke and made a mess”

 

“What’s the moral of the story?”, asked the teacher. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket”, replied Krissy. “Very good,” said the teacher.

 

Next little Rachel raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we got only ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” “That was a fine story Rachel,” said the teacher.

Then the teacher turned her attention to Bobby.

 

“Do you have a story, Billy?” “Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Helen. Aunt Helen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She parachuted out and all she had with her was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

 

Then killed 20 more with the machete until the blade broke and THEN she killed the last 10 with her bare hands!” “Good lord!” said the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that story?”

 

Stay the f*** away from Aunt Helen when she’s been drinking.”

[clementi]

Joke: Loves her cat

 

An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat Oscar. A genie walks up her sidewalk. “Ma’am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes.”

 

The woman smiles, “Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again.” The genie nods his head and she transforms into her 18 years old self. “I would like lots of money!” she wishes. He nods again and piles of gold and coins pile all beside her.

 

The woman stops, “My cat Oscar here has been loyal and sweet, could you turn him into a young, handsome man?” The genie nods his head a third time and disappears. Turning around she sees a young man, fit, gorgeous and perfect.

 

“Why hello” she says coyly. Oscar looks at her, “Don’t look at me, you had me neutered.”

[clementi]

Joke: Unable to perform

 

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an exotic medicine man.

 

The medicine man says, “I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say ’123,’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish! When your partner can take no more sex, all she has to say is ’1234′, and it will go down. But be warned, you will not rise again for another year.”

 

That night the old man slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says “123″ and suddenly, he has the hugest erection ever, just as the medicine man promised!

 

His wife turns over and asks, “What did you say ’123′ for ?

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car crash

 

A woman and her boyfriend have just left a wild party and are speeding down a country lane in a sports car. The woman wants some fun and strips off her dress so she can flash at passers-by. Unfortunately, the man gets distracted and crashes the car.

 

 

The naked woman is thrown clear but her boyfriend is trapped in the wreckage. The only cover the woman can find is one of her boyfriend’s shoes, so she holds it over her crotch and runs to a nearby garage.

 

She sees a mechanic and shouts, ‘Help! Help! My boyfriend’s stuck!’ The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, ‘You’re going to need a doctor, miss, he’s too far in.’

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hooking up at a bar

 

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar.

After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

 

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See that, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, “See those, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She is aching for action at this point.

 

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

 

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to go?”

 

She replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Dirty dirty joke

 

An Old guy sits at a bar and starts drinking, he drinks and drinks until he is quite drunk…

 

Then a HUGE and very menacing looking guy enters the bar and sits next to the old drunk guy and asks for a beer… after a while the old guy turns to the huge fellow and spurts out:

 

-”You know… i fucked your mother”

 

The bartender just freezes and looks over at the huge guy… he just looks at the drunk man and grunts as he understands its only an old drunk fellow mouthing off…

But then the old guy says:

 

-”Yeah… i fucked her, and i have to say, i also fucked her up the ass!”

 

The big guy ignores the guy, but looks a bit annoyed., but he then says to himself clearly speaking so the big guy can hear him:

 

-”You know what?? i just remembered, i also came in your MOTHERS FACE!!!”

 

The big guys still says nothing… but is clearly starting to lose his temper…

So the old guy yells “YEAH I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER UP THE ASS, CAME ON HER FACE AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE… SHE SWALLOWS!! THE DIRTY WHORE!”

 

The whole bar is totally silent, and The big guy cant take it anymore, he stands up making his stool fall to the floor loudly, he turns over to the old guy and says “Let’s go home Dad, you are way too drunk…”

[worldangel]

Joke: New bull

 

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”

 

Second Bull: “I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”

 

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

 

First Bull: “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend.”

 

Second Bull: “I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

 

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

 

First Bull: “Son, don’t be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

Third Bull: “Hell, he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New job

 

Guy gets a new job at an all in one store. His manager says that he works on commission so just try to sell a few things and he’ll come back and check on him later. At the end of the day he comes back and asks the salesman how many sales he had.

 

The guy replies “1″. The manager says “Well geez, normally our guys do 15-20 a day. How much was your sale?” The guy replies back “$221,536.87″ The manager yells “Holy shit! What did you sell???”

 

“Well, the guy was buying a small fish hook, so I got him to buy a medium hook and a large hook. I asked him what he was going to fish with and I talked him into a new pole.

 

He also needed bait. I asked him where he was goin fishing, he said probably the creek and I told him he had to go out on the lake. Well, he didn’t had a boat so I took over to the marina section and he bought a twin V skipper.

 

Then he realized he couldn’t tow it with his car so we went to automotive and he bought a new truck.” Thoroughly impressed, the manager said “he came in for a fishing hook and you got him to buy all that?”

 

The salesman replied “oh no. He came in for tampons and I said buddy your weekend is fucked, you better go fishing.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Harvard library

 

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, “Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?”

 

“Sir,” came the sneering reply, “at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition.”

 

“Well, in that case, forgive me,” said the visitor. “Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, jackass?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnant

 

An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she thinks she is pregnant.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test results show that the girl IS pregnant.

 

Shouting , cursing, crying…the mother says, “Who wassa dah piga that do thisah to you? Ima wanna know!!”

 

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferarri stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house

.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

 

I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a 2 million dollar bank account.

 

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a factory and a 3 million dollar bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory each and 4 million dollars each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?

 

At this point, the father who had remained silent holding a shotgun… places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him…

“You gonna try again!!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Audited by IRS

 

A man gets audited by the IRS and the auditor is not surprised when he arrives with his lawyer. As the men sit down the lawyer says, “Look, the reason my client is in this situation is because he is a terrible gambler.”

 

“I am not a terrible gambler,” the man replies. “I will make a bet right now. I bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye.” he says to the auditor.

 

“You can’t bite your own eye,” the auditor replies. “I’ll take your bet.”

The man reaches up, removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor is in shock, he just bet this man $1,000 in front of a lawyer. The man however is generous.

“Ok, that wasn’t really fair. You didn’t know that I had a glass eye. So, for double or nothing I bet you I can bite my other eye.”

 

The auditor is skeptical, but after careful examination determines that there is no way he has two glass eyes. “Fine, double or nothing, you cannot bite your other eye.”

The man reaches into his mouth and pulls out his false teeth and carefully makes them bite down on his other eye.

 

The auditor is completely taken aback. How could he possibly be so dumb as to take that bet.

 

“Ok,” the man says again. “You didn’t know I had dentures, so I will give you one last chance. Double or nothing, I bet you I can stand on this side of your desk and piss over your desk and into that wastebasket without getting a single drop on your desk.”

 

The auditor backs up and looks at the distance. There is no way the man could physically maintain a stream that could reach that distance. It had to be impossible.

“I have no choice,” the auditor says. “I’ll take the bet.”

 

The man stands up, walks to the side of the desk and proceeds to piss all over the auditors desk, not a single drop reaching the wastebasket.

The auditor leaps from his seat and cheers his victory. The lawyer however, has his face in his hands, audibly groaning.

 

“Wait,” the auditor says. “Why are you so upset?”

“Before we came in, he bet me $20,000 he could walk in here, piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Crowded in heaven

 

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly

gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.”

 

The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 27th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.”

 

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

 

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 28th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

 

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

“Tell me about the day you died?”, he said to the third man in line.

“OK, picture this, I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator …”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Home late

 

So there’s this Irish Pub in Ireland of all places. Anyhow, its getting towards the end of the night and the bartender rings the bell calling, “Last drinks! Last drinks! And anyone who can come up with the best cheers gets their last drink for free!”

 

After hearing this everyone in the pub runs up to the bar and starts shouting at the bartender their best cheers. The bartenders hears a few of them over the noise and dismisses them with a wave of the hand, “No, none of those will do!”

 

When its gets quiet one man raises his beer, “I have one! I say cheers to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!”

 

Everyone raises their beer in approval and this man gets his free beer.

Later that night this man walks home and gets into bed with his wife. His wife wakes and turns to her husband, “You’re home late.”

 

“Yeah, well I won the cheers!”

“Ah, what’d you say?”

 

“What’d I say..” The man thinks for a moment, he doesn’t want to get in trouble with his wife, “I said cheers to spending the rest of my life.. at church next to my wife!”

“Aww, such a lovely thing to say” exclaims the wife and she goes back to sleep.

 

The very next day the wife is waiting in line at the local bakery. A man who heard the cheers at the pub walks up to the wife and says, “You know your husband devoted the cheers to you last night.”

 

To which the wife replies, “Yeah I don’t understand it, I mean he hasn’t been down there in years and I have to pull his ear to come!”

[worldangel]

Joke: At the Safeway supermarket

 

A guy was grocery shopping around the corner at the Safeway Supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him.

 

 

She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said: “I hope I haven’t made you feel uncomfortable – it’s just that you look so much like my late son.” “Oh, that’s ok,” he said. “I know it’s silly,” she continued, “but if you called out ‘Goodbye, Mother’ as I leave, it would make me ever so happy.”

 

 

The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out “Goodbye Mother.” The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.

 

Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone’s day the man went to pay for his groceries. “That’ll be 105 dollars 35,” said the clerk. “How come?” inquired the man. “I’ve only bought a few things “Yeah, but your mother said you’d pay for her”

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing poker

 

Six retired Floridian men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr. Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

 

At the end of the game, Mr. Jones looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?

 

They cut the cards. Mr. Miller picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

 

Mr. Miller goes over to the Smiths’ condo and knocks on the door.

Mrs. Smith answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Mr. Miller says: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is really afraid to come home.”

 

“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.

“I’ll go tell him.” says Mr. Miller.

[worldangel]

Joke: An Amish at the mall

 

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

 

The boy asked his father, “What is this father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.” While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

 

The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

 

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, “Go get your Mother.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Skinny Dippers

 

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

 

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

 

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Knock at the door

 

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’

 

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina?’

 

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,

‘Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.’

 

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.’

 

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; ‘Do you have vagina’?

 

‘Yes, actually I have one,’ she says. The man replies..

‘Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Billy & Mr Johnson

 

One day little Billy approached Mr. Johnson’s house and knocked on the door. After they exchanged a few pleasantries, little Billy asked Mr. Johnson, “Sir, I noticed ya got some milkweed growing in your backyard, mind if go back there and get some milk?” Amused by the request, Mr. Johnson replied, “Son, knock yourself out.”

 

Knowing full well that he couldn’t possibly get milk from milkweed. Sure enough, Billy came back to Mr. Johnson with 2 pails of milk. Little Billy thanked the now shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way.

 

The next day Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson’s door again. “Afternoon Mr. Johnson, I noticed ya had some buttercups growing in your backyard, mind if I get some butter?” Curious this time around, Mr. Johnson replied, “Sure son, go right ahead.”

 

Knowing full well he couldn’t possibly get butter from a buttercup. Sure enough, Billy came back with 2 buckets of butter. Again, Billy thanked a now even more shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way.

 

The next day little Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson’s door for a third time. Mr. Johnson, very intrigued by little Billy’s strange requests eagerly greeted the young man. “How can I help you today son?” said Mr. Johnson.

 

“Well sir, I noticed ya had some pussy willows growing in your backyar-” and before Billy could finish Mr. Johnson interrupted, “Hold on Billy! Let me go get my boots!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Expensive shoes

 

Geno walks to work every day. Each way he passes a shoe store. Each time he can’t help himself but to stop, look in the window and admire a particular pair of Florsheim shoes.

 

He wants those shoes so much…it’s all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves every last penny to get the $300 he needs to buy the shoes.

 

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Geno seizes this opportunity to wear his new Florsheim leather shoes for the first time.

 

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, “Sophia, are you wearing red panties tonight?”

 

Startled, Sophia replies, “Yes, Geno , I am wearing red panties tonight, but how do you know?”

Geno answers, “I see the reflection in my new $300 Florsheim leather shoes.” With a smile he moves on.

 

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, “Rosa , are you wearing white panties tonight?”

Rosa answers, “Yes, Geno, I do, but how do you know that?”

 

He replies, “I see the reflection in my new $300 Florsheim leather shoes.” With a coy laugh he moves on.

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played Geno asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red…

 

He states, ‘Carmela, my sweetheart, Please, please tell me you are wearing no panties tonight. Please, please, tell me this true!”

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, “Yes Geno , I am not wearing panties tonight…”

Geno gasps, “Thank God …I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Florsheim leather shoes!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Three salesmen

 

Three salesmen are traveling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,

 

“I have a bed in the back room. It’s just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight.”

 

The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.

 

The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says, “Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman!”

 

The man who slept on the right side of the bed says, “Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman as well!”

 

The man who slept in the middle says, “I had a dream that I was skiing!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three firefighters

 

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was miserable and they hadn’t seen any deer all day. Finally they came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker.

 

After loosing a couple of hands, rookie threw down his cards and said “That does it! I am going out to get me a deer.”

 

Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The captain and the chief asked, “How did you get that?”

 

The rookie replied, “I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck.” The captain then said, “I’ve had enough of this I am going to get my deer.” He came back a half hour later with a 6 point buck.

 

The chief asked, “How did you get that?” The captain then replied, I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck.

 

The chief not wanting to be out done said, “I’m out of here, I’m going to bag the biggest buck of the day.” He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody. The rookie and the captain asked, “What happened to you?”

 

The chief replied, “I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a TRAIN!

[worldangel]

Joke: Two whales

 

Two whales were swimming together in the Pacific Ocean when they come across a whaling vessel.

 

One whale looks to the other and says “we should swim under it and blow our air out, and hopefully the boat will capsize!”

 

The second whale agrees, thinking that every whaler deserves a fate like that, so they swim under the boat, and exhale as hard as they can.

 

The boat tips over and all the men on board are stranded, floating I the water.

The first whale then says “we should eat these sailors so they don’t ever even have the chance to hunt another one of us again!”

 

The second whale, with a look of disgust on her face, replies “Look. I went ahead with the blowjob, but there is no WAY you’re going to get me to eat the seamen!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Police pulls him over

 

A man gets pulled over for swerving.

The Police officer says to the driver, “Sir, I’m going to need you to take a breathalyzer test for me.”

 

Driver: “I’m sorry officer, I can’t do that.”

Police officer: “Why not, sir?”

Driver: “Because I have asthma and it will aggravate my condition.”

Police officer: “Okay sir, then I’m going to prick your finger and draw a drop of blood to test.”

 

Driver: “Oh I’m sorry officer, I won’t be able to do that either.”

Police officer: “What is the problem, sir?”

Driver: “Well you see, the thing is that I’m anemic.”

 

Police officer: “Okay sir, then I’m going to need to ask you to step out of the car and walk the line at the side of the road.”

Driver: “I’m sorry officer, but I can’t do that either.”

 

Police officer: “And why is that, sir?”

Driver: “Because I’m drunk.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Breakfast

 

It’s early in the morning, and Johnny, who’s ten years old, is telling his younger brother Freddie that he’s going to use a Bad Word that day. Freddie thinks this is most daring thing ever, and asks, “Really??? That’s soooo cool! What word you gonna use? Huh?”

 

Johnny whispers “I’m going to say ‘God-damn’!”

Freddie is really impressed. “Wow! I wanna say a bad word too! I’m going to say… say… ASS!”

 

They are both really excited and are whispering and planning until their mother calls them down to breakfast. They can barely control their giggling when their mother sweetly asks,

“What would you like for breakfast, Johnny?”

 

And Johnny, with a conspiratorial look at his brother, says “I’m gonna have… gonna have… gonna have some god-damn eggs!”

 

Their mother is stunned, then furious – “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!”, and grabs Johnny by the scruff of his neck, turns him over and spanks him until he’s sore and crying, and then sends him straight up to bed. Then, still furious, she turns to Freddie and demands, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man!?”

 

Freddie is utterly cowed and can barely speak he’s so scared, but finally manages to speak, “I’m … I’m… I’m… not sure – but you can bet your ass I don’t want no god-damn eggs!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Work or pleasure

 

A Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

 

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?” A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

 

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

 

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why. “Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

[worldangel]

Joke: New nurse

 

A new nurse is being given the tour of his new workplace. He and a fellow nurse walk the hallways of the hospital. Passing one of the rooms he sees a nurse mounted on top of a patient having rough passionate sex.

 

“What on earth is this nurse doing?!” He asked. The other nurse casually replies “this man has a very rare condition. If he doesn’t ejaculate 6 or more times a day, his balls fill up with pressure and literally explode.”

 

The new nurse, stunned, but content with the answer continues on with his tour of the hospital. A few doors down he sees a man bored and sighing, masturbating to a hardcore porn.

 

“And this man? ” the new nurse asked.

 

The other nurse response “Oh, this man? He has the same condition as the patient with the exploding balls a few doors down. But that patient has better insurance.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tattoo

 

For a couple’s anniversary, this guys wife wants to get the words “beautiful butt” tattoo’d across her ass, since he’s always saying how beautiful her butt is.

 

She goes to get the tattoo, but the artist says that the words are too long and she doesn’t have enough room. She decided to abbreviate the words to BB, one B on each cheek. The artist says he can do that.

 

She gets home to find her husband in bed reading. She strips for him, and turns around and bends over and grabs her ankles. Her husband looks at her ass and says “Who the hell is BOB?”

 

 

[nicenewyorker]

http://9gag.com/gag/306366/-which-came-first-the-chicken-or-the-egg

[worldangel]

Joke: Found a shoe

 

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.

 

Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

 

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk fools

 

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: “You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.” The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

 

The 2nd Man says: “What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen.”

 

1st Man: “No, it’s true let me prove it to you.” So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

 

The 2nd Man tells him: “You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.”

 

1st Man: “No, I’ll prove it again” and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

 

2nd Man: “Well what the heck, it works, I’ll try it.” So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’

 

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

“You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Military hospital

 

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

 

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his

demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on.

 

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. “Time to take your temperature, General.”

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

 

“Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.”

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

 

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, “Stay exactly like that and don’t move. I’ll be back in five minutes to check up on you” and withdrew.

 

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, “What’s going on here?”

 

“Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” the general barked.

 

“Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Memory class

 

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

 

“What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.

 

“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”

“A rose?” asked the neighbor.

 

“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Turned orange

 

A guy goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. My penis is orange.” Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy’s penis isn’t orange. Doc tells the guy, “This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person’s life.”

 

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, “How are things going at work?” The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.

 

Guy responds, “No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I’m getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy.” So the doc figures this isn’t the reason.

 

He asks the guy, “How’s your home life?” The guy says, “Well, I divorced her about eight months ago.” The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, “No. my wife stopped being the angel that I married, and was putting me down and acting evil, So, I am glad to be rid of that old bitch.” So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

 

He inquires, “Do you have any hobbies or a social life?” The guy replies, “No, not really. Most nights I sit home, go on the internet and munch on Cheetos.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Some things you just can’t explain

 

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

 

The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. “Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

 

“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied.

“So what happened then?” the man asked.

The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”

“And then?”

 

“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

Man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

 

“So, what did you do then?” the man asked.

“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”

“And then?”

 

“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

“Hmmm . . . ” the man said and nodded his head.

 

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.

“So, what did you do?” the man asked.

 

“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can’t explain.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Duck walks into a bar

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.”

 

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

 

“Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”

 

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

 

The same thing happens for two weeks, then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”

 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”

 

“At the circus,” says the barman.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” the duck asks again “with the big tent?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

 

“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.

“Of course,” the barman replies.

 

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

“That’s right!” says the barman.

 

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, “What on earth would they want with a plasterer??!”

[worldangel]

Joke: The golden toilet

 

Dugly goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn’t remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.

 

He walks into down and goes into one bar and asked the bartender, “Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?” “A golden toilet? I don’t think so,” the bartender said, giving him a strange look. The man walked into another bar,”Excuse me, you don’t happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?” said Dugly.

“A golden toilet, huh? Don’t be ridiculous.”

This continues all day until finally Dugly walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender: “Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet.”

 

The bartender smiles, turns around and yells, “Hey Bob, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Police inspect

 

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings…

‘Hello, is this the Police?’

‘Yes. What can I do for you?’

 

‘Ah’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor Mr. Dugly Smith….ya see sir, he’s hidin’ marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he’s a-hidin’ it there.’

‘Thank you very much for the call, sir.’

 

The next day, Police Officers descend on Dugly’s house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Dugly and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Dugly’s house.

 

‘Hey, Dugly! This here’s Floyd….Did the Sheriff come?’

‘Yup sure did!’

 

‘Did they chop all-a ya’all firewood?’

‘Yup!’

‘Happy Birthday, buddy!’

[worldangel]

Joke: Can I have some …?

 

A young boy and his grandfather were sitting outside enjoying the summer breeze.

The boy’s grandfather pulled out a cigar, lit it, and puffed away contently.

 

The boy looked at his grandfather and asked if he could take a puff.

The grandfather replied, “Can your dick touch your ass?” to which the boy responded, “No sir.”

 

“Then you are not old enough” the grandfather snapped back.

A few minutes later the grandfather pulled a beer out of his cooler, and took a sip.

The boy asked if he could try the beer.

 

The grandfather replied, “Can your dick touch your ass?” to which the boy responded, “No sir.”

Grandpa huffed. “Then you are not old enough.”

The boy gave up and ran inside the house to go play.

 

An hour later the boy came outside with a plate of cookies.

 

The grandfather asked the boy, “Can I have a cookie?”

The boy replied, “Can your dick touch your ass?”

 

Grandpa laughed. “Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass.”

The boy smirked. “Then go f*ck yourself, grandma made these cookies for me.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The hooker

 

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

 

As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex.”

The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.

 

After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver’s seat and stared out the window.

 

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $60.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Navy retirement

 

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

 

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

 

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “from the tip of my weenie to my testicles.”

 

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

 

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to “drop ‘em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back.

 

Oh Man!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The old Chief calmly replied… “Vietnam.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Hippy on bike

 

A hippy with a bicycle that has a broken chain walks on the side of a road.

A man in a Porsche pulls up next to him and offers him a ride.

 

They try to fit the hippy’s bike into the trunk of the man’s Porsche, but as it is a typical sports car, the trunk is too small for the bike.

 

Then the man has an idea. He says to the hippy, “I have some rope in my trunk, you can tie it to your bike and I’ll drive you along. If I’m going to fast, just honk the horn on your bike.” The hippy agrees to go along with it and they ride a few miles down the rode.

 

The man in the Porsche pulls up to a stop light next a man in a Lamborghini. They start revving their engine and a race is about to ensue. The light turns green and the man in the Porsche completely forgets about the hippy tied to his car and starts racing the Lamborghini.

 

They’re racing and start reaching 80, 90, 100 m.p.h. They pass a cop and when the cop calls the race in he says, “Dispatch you’ll never believe what I just saw.

I saw a Porsche and a Lamborghini racing down the road at 100 miles per hour, and a hippy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass them.”