Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Out of shower

 

Ray is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Dugly, the next-door neighbor.

 

Before she says a word, Dugly says, “I’ll give you $700 to drop that towel.

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Dugly.

 

After a few seconds, Dugly hands her $700 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Dugly the next door neighbor,” she replies.

 

“Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $700 he owes me?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Didn’t show up for work

 

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

 

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee’s cell phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.

 

“Hello.” “Is your daddy home?” he asked. “Yes,” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” The child whispered, “No.”

 

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” “Yes,” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

 

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?” “Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”

 

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” “No, he’s busy”, whispered the child. “Busy doing what?” “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” the whisper answered.

 

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

 

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed the helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

 

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. “ME.!!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too much to drink

 

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

 

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

 

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

 

Dumbfounded, the officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it”, said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

[worldangel]

Joke: At the movies

 

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge.

 

The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

 

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

 

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”
 

With pain in his voice Sam replied, “The balcony.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Magic words

 

A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says “Mom, give me my toy.” His mother responds by saying, “What are the magic words?” So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.

 

The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says “What are the magic words?” So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy’s mother and asks her to come in.

 

When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; “Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?”

“No,” the mother says, “Why, what did he do?”

 

“Well, he asked for a juicebox,” said the teacher, “and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said ‘you’re thin and you’re beautiful.’”

[worldangel]

Joke: Having baby

 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

 

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

 

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.”

 

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

 

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

 

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

[worldangel]

Joke: Mutual friend

 

3 very good friends, a doctor, a banker, and a lawyer, all had a mutual friend pass away.

 

While at the funeral, the Doctor says “I wanna do something nice and unselfish for our friend,” so he pulls out his wallet and throws a $100 dollar bill into the casket.

 

 

The banker sees this and decides to do the same, he pulls out his wallet and throws a $100 dollar bill into the casket as well.

 

The lawyer being the last one, says the same as well. So he pulls out his checkbook, takes the cash, and writes and leaves a check for $300.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: While talking to a girl

 

While talking to girl “Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?”

 

“No, what?”

 

“Yea, I figured you were in the first group.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Open & shut

 

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds.”

 

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.

“Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.”

 

He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.

 

“Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!”

“Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Sharks
 

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. “Follow me son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

 

“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did.

 

“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did.

 

“Now we eat everybody.” And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just Eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?” His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Sneezing

 

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

 

The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more than before.

 

At this, the man said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay?

 

“I’m sorry if I disturbed you,” the woman replied, “but I have a very rare medical condition – whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

 

“I’ve never heard of that condition,” the man said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

“Yes,” the woman said. “Pepper.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Salesman

 

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

 

“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

 

“F*ck off!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money” and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

 

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

 

“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a fucking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Mortician working late

 

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

 

“I’m sorry Mr. Sam,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

 

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.

 

“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Sam is dead!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Prostate exam

 

A man goes to the doctor for his first prostate exam. While the Doctor is performing the exam, he says to the patient, ” Don’t be embarassed, it’s common for men to get an erection during this part of the exam”.

 

The patient answers “I don’t have an erection”

 

The Doctor replies “I’m sorry i was talking to myself”

[worldangel]

Joke: Moral

 

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”

 

“And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” “Very good,” said the teacher.

 

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, “Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.”

 

“That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?”

 

“Yes, ma’am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.”

 

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”

“Stay away from Aunt Marge when she’s been drinking.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Thermos

 

The boss comes into work carrying a thermos.His blonde secretary had never seen one before.

 

“What’s that thing?” she asks.

 

“Oh, this?” he says, “It’s just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient.”

“Oh wow, that DOES sound convenient!” she exclaims, “I might have to get myself one of those!”

 

“Yep, I definitely recommend it.”

And they go about the rest of the day.

Sure enough, the next morning, when the boss comes in, he notices a brand new thermos on his secretary’s desk.

 

“Ah, I see you got yourself a thermos!” he says.

“Oh, yes sir, I decided I could use something to keep my hot things hot and my cold things cold.” She’s beaming.

 

He grins back. “Neat-o. So, whatcha got in there?”

“Two popsicles and a cup of coffee.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead duck

 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

 

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

 

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..

 

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

 

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

 

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

[worldangel]

Joke: New CEO

 

On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, ‘How much money money do you make a week?’

 

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, ‘I make $400 a week. Why?’

The CEO said, ‘Wait right here.’ He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, ‘Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.’

 

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, ‘Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?’ From across the room a voice said, ‘That was the pizza delivery guy.’

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Woman in the dark

 

Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

“Twenty Euros,” she whispers.

 

Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty Euros.

So they hid in the bushes. They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

 

It is a Police Officer. “What’s going on here, people?” asks the cop.

“I’m making love to me wife,” Murphy answers sounding annoyed.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.” “Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband & wife texting

 

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

 

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

 

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

 

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I’m on the toilet. Please advise.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the doctor’s clinic

 

An old man goes to the doctor’s office as he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?” “There’s something wrong with my penis,” he replied.

 

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.” “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

 

 

The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

 

 

The man walked out, waited a few minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?’ “There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

 

 

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?” “I can’t piss out of it…”

[worldangel]

Joke: Wrong approach

 

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My best friend

 

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Farting competition

 

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"

She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."

The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he shits all over the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three honeymoon nights

 

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises.

"Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."

"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.

"Now why were you laughing?" she asked.

"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.

"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No warning

 

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

The husband said, "I know all that."

"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.

The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost again

 

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Off to Vegas

 

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going too!" he replied.

"Why?" She asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wide butt

 

A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is as wide as the BBQ grill." The wife ignores his remark.

A little later, the husband, measuring tape in hand, walked over to his wife. While she was bending over to tend to her flower bed, he measured her back side. "Honey, your butt IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignores his remark.

Later that night, while in bed, the husband began to feel amorous. He starts to hug her and stroke her until the wife said, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you're out of your mind!!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bed football

 

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"

His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"

He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."

Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."

The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"

He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bought a Porsche

 

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The confession

 

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, and has a long drawn out fight with his wife about her infidelity.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Correction: I meant "wifi", not "wife".

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A gift

 

Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Eddie have been scheduled for Friday.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce Court

 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Generosity

 

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbour. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Insomnia

 

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife’s revenge

 

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: To be 6 again

 

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Organic

 

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Chevrolet

 

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The elderly couple

 

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighbourhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says: "We've got to give it back".

She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.

One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

She says: "No"..

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..."

At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here .."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Terrible accident

 

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

 

[clementi]

Joke: Hitchhiker

 

A man is driving across the state to see his wife when he sees a Native man hitchhiker on the side of the road. Thinking he could do with some company, he pulls over and lets the man in, offering him a ride home.

 

The Native man is grateful, but our driver notices that he keeps eyeing the large bottle of gin on the floor of the passenger seat. Not wanting the guy to get any ideas, he says “Ah, I got that bottle for my wife.”

 

The Native man says nothing for a few moments, then softly replies

“Good trade.”

[clementi]

Joke: Old taxi driver

 

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat. The cab driver, an old gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

 

 

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? – Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?” The old  driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady “I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.” The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or my ass sweetie, then what are you doing?”

 

 

He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’aam, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,’Vair in da hell is dis naked lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride? Now, that’s a REAL Businessman!

[clementi]

Joke: Elderly married couple

 

An elderly married couple stands at the counter at the local burger joint. The man orders a deluxe burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the woman and asks her what she would like.

 

“Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.’”

The clerk hits a key on the register and tells the couple that the cost of the meal is $4.98.

 

The old man reaches into his pockets and pulls out a handful of coins. Slowly and carefully, without a penny to spare, he counts out the exact amount and hands it to the cashier.

 

A young man standing behind the couple watches this. As the clerk assembles the couple’s order, he leans forward and says, “I’d be honored to buy you another burger and fries.”

 

The old man turns to the young man and says, “Thank you, but my wife and I share everything.”

 

The old man carries the tray of food to a table and they sit. Carefully, he cuts the burger in half, divides the fries into two equal portions, and passes half of the food to the woman. He sets the decaf in the center of the table so they can both reach it. Then he begins to eat.

 

A few minutes later, the young man sits down at the table next to them. As he gobbles down his food, he notices that, while the elderly man eats, the woman is quietly sipping decaf. When he looks at her food, he sees that she hasn’t eaten a single bite. Again, he leans toward the couple and says, “I really would be honored to buy you another meal.’”

 

The old man says, “No, thank you. We share everything,” and calmly resumes eating.

 

“I just hate to see you go hungry,” the young man laments to the woman.

“Oh, I’m not going hungry,” the old woman says. “I’m waiting for the teeth.”

[clementi]

Joke: In heaven

 

A train hits a bus filled with girls going to their High School and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ” Wendy, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”

 

St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

 

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Stacy, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well, once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

 

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, “Tina, What seems to be the rush?”

 

The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Melissa sticks her ass in it.

[clementi]

Joke: The police

 

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

 

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

 

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!’

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Wedding rings

 

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings.

 

As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.

 

“Tell me,” she asked the rather elderly salesman, “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?”

 

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater.”

[clementi]

Joke: First or third grade

 

On little Larry’s first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in third grade!’

 

The teacher looked at little Larry’s records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in the third grade!’

 

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry’s problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

 

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions… ‘What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?’ asked the teacher.

‘Legs!’ Larry immediately replied. “What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn’t?’ asked the teacher.

 

‘Pockets!’ said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, ‘Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!’

[clementi]

Joke: Blonde convention

 

There was a blonde convention in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania last year, the purpose of which was to convince the world that blondes really aren’t dumb. An expert was hired to come in and ask test questions. One blonde was selected to answer the questions.

 

The expert asked “What is 7 plus 3?” The blonde ponders for a moment, then says “21?”. The crowd screams “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

 

So the expert asks “What is 4 times 3?” The blonde ponders some more and says “7?”. Again the crowd screams “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

So the expert says, “Last question! What is two plus two?”

 

After long and careful deliberation, the blonde says “four?”

“Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”