Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Dog, lion and Monkey

 

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.

 

The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly “mmm…that was some good lion meat!”. The lion abruptly stops and says ” woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”.

 

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily “get on my back, we’ll get him together”. So they start rushing back to the dog.

 

The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts “where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

[clementi]

Joke: Ice fishing

 

Two guys were out on a lake ice fishing

 

One looks at the other and sees that he’s got a pile of fish, and asks him,

“hey buddy, how’d you catch so many fish and I’m sitting here with nothing?”

 

“Eep or orms orm” the man grumbled

“What?”

“Eep or orms orm!”

 

“Buddy, i got no clue what you’re saying!”

The man spat in exasperation and said, “Keep your worms warm!”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bull fighting

 

A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

 

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

 

The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the heck, I’m on holiday down here! Bring me an order!”

 

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”

 

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

 

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

 

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Favorite Flower

 

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it honey?"

And thus began Wally's life of celibacy....

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Four letter words

 

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Terrible news

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My best friend

 

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Romantic dinner

 

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage rules

 

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Side by side

 

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The guardian angel

 

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just like my mom

 

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Removing the curse

 

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The retirement home

 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Damned old age!

 

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells them that they're physically in good condition for their age, but if they are having trouble remembering they might want to start writing things down to help them.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" his wife asks.

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks, recalling the doctor's suggestion.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down. Just don't start with that! Leave me alone!! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles on into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Buying a car

 

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.

The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "We purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "Why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting".

"What are you waiting for?", asked the cop.

The old lady sitting in the driver’s seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t mess with old people

 

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cold water

 

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost my glasses

 

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 76 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do, I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted. Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Borrow a newspaper

 

I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: An old gangster man

 

An old gangster man lived alone in the country. It was spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

 

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

 

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

 

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man’s house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn’t find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

 

[clementi]

Joke: Lose 1 pound for 1$

 

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1.

 

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. “Better start running” she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she… ahem… rewards him… then he steps on the scale. He lost 1 pound!

 

As he leaves he sees a new sign next door. “Lose 2 pounds for $2″. He pays, enters. This time there are two gorgeous naked women in running shoes. They say “Better start running.” He does, chasing them around the track. Two hours later he catches them. He is doubly… rewarded. On his way out the scale shows he lost 2 pounds!

The man leaves. Sure enough, next door there is a final sign: “Lose 3 pounds for $3.” By now the fat man is exhausted and can barely walk… but he cannot resist. He pays and enters. The door slams shut behind him and locks.

 

Alone on the running track is a 6’4″ muscular male body builder, naked except for running shoes. The naked athlete points down at his enormous erection, smiles at the fat man and says…  “Better start running.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Vacation

 

A blind man goes on vacation. He’s never been to Texas, and decides to check it out. He books his plane tickets, heads to the airport, and gets on the plane. When he sits in his seat, he’s amazed to discover that the seat is much bigger than any airplane seat he’s ever sat in.

 

“Wow, this seat is gigantic!” he says. “I can practically curl up and fit my whole body on this chair!”

The woman next to him says, “Sure, everything’s bigger in Texas, hun.”

 

The blind man lands at Dallas/Ft. Worth and catches a taxi to his hotel. He wants to go out and experience the city, but since it’s been a long day of travel, he decides to get a drink at the hotel bar first. He orders a beer, but instead of the pint he expects, the bartender hands him a mug that’s practically the size of a bucket.

“Damn,” the blind man says, “this beer is huge!”

 

The bartender says, “Oh yes sir, but you know everything’s bigger in Texas.”

Well, after a couple of hours, the blind man finishes his beer and it’s really gone straight to his bladder.

 

He slurs to the bartender, “My good man, could you point me towards the restroom in this fine establishment?”

 

The bartender says, “Sure, it’s right down that hall, third door on your right.”

The blind man makes his way down the hall, but in his state of inebriation (it was a lot of beer!), he misses the third door and opens the fourth instead, which happens to be the hotel swimming pool.

 

He slips and falls in and starts panicking and yelling “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: In a theatre

 

A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, ”Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.”

 

The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, ”Mister, you will have to get up. All you are entitled to is one seat.” The man grunts and does not move.

 

Finally a policeman is called in. He walks down the aisle and says to the man who is still on the four seats, ”Get out of those seats!”

 

The man grunts, and policeman says, ”Okay, wise guy, where are you from?” The man moans and says, ”The balcony.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Audit

 

The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.

 

Auditor: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

 

Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.”

 

Auditor: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one.”

 

Boat Owner: “That’ll be me. What’d you want to know?”

[clementi]

Joke: Lovely bracelet

 

A lady walks into jewellery shop. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

 

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her – good looking as well.

 

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Macys. He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

 

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

 

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!

[worldangel]

Joke: The silent treatment

 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joke: George falls in love

 

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Control over wives

 

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke, Fred, says nothing.

After a while, Bill turns to Fred and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?"

"I'll tell you," Fred replies. "Just the other night my missus came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

The other two were absolutely amazed. "What happened then?", Joe asked.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!!!".

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who to marry

 

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.

Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Egg in the box

 

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box.

 

She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't. In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, 'Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?'

He replied, 'Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.'

Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. 'But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?' she asked.

'Every time I got a dozen, I sold it.'

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The box

 

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles. At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask. So she did, she asked "what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed?" The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time I've been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box.

The wife says, well for forty years, that's not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box. The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles.

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding riot

 

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third.

By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.

In court the next week the judge asked the best man what happened.

"Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs."

"That must have hurt," said the judge.

"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers."

[worldangel]

Joke: Identical twins

 

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce," he replied.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 50 year sentence

 

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old age marriage proposal

 

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"

"It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life".

"Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"

"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - "And how's your sex life...."

"Infrequently", he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking... "And is that one word or two?

[worldangel]

Joke: Farting in bed

 

An old married couple is in bed one night about to fall asleep when suddenly the husband farts. His wife is disgusted and screams at him, "Don't fart!!!"

Husband says, "Shut your mouth." A few minutes later he farts again, she screams "Please stop farting!!!" Again he says, "Just shut your mouth." She is really pissed off and finally she asks him, "How come when I ask you to stop farting, you never listen, you just tell me to shut my mouth???"

"Well" says the husband, "I didn't want to have to tell you, but your breath is what really stinks."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Controlling their women

 

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'

The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'

The first two guys were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.

She said, "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!".

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Butt measurement

 

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Going to dentist

 

One day a man walks into a dentist's and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth?

"$160," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $120."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $40."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $20." "Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: New Mercedes owner

 

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

[clementi]

Joke: Fireman sex

 

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The honeymoon

 

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home ... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook...."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mating the bull

 

A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states "This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year,isn't that nice!."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one."

The annoyed man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The painting

 

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mistaken identity

 

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it ......stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too hot

 

It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"

she replied. "Probably that I married you for your money."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife’s diaphragm

 

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Man overboard

 

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise."

The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mourning at a grave site

 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to intrude on your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Godfather

 

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."