Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Chilin Biddies

 

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

 

The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.

[worldangel]

Joke: Camoflauge clothing

 

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behaviour for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: $10 complaint

 

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs from her.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Needles are not nice

 

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

 

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

 

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ashes to ashes
 

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.

 

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

 

Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead Again

 

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Ten O’clock tee time

 

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!"

 

The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

 

The man turned to his wife and said: "Open your mouth, honey, and show him."

[worldangel]

Joke: Home medical remedy

 

 

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

 

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

 

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

 

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wink, wink, nudge, nudge

 

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

 

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

 

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

 

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

 

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Maternal miracles

 

 

A woman went to her doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway.

 

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded:

 

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!?!

 

The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The doctors

 

 

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids."

 

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.

 

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

 

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

 

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

 

Everyone loved it.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The bathtub test

 

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started:

 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: We need to have a talk

 

 

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

 

When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say.

 

In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

 

The marriage counsellor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counsellor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied:

 

"I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The secret of a happy marriage

 

 

A man and woman had been married for more than 65 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

 

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

 

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

 

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

 

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

 

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

 

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

 

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Accountant in heaven

 

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.


After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."


The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.


"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young," says St. Peter.


The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "123 years old? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."


St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Businessman is dying

 

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."


"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"


The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 50 years

 

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know,"

the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hotel

 

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

 

 

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dropped your wallet

 

 

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.

 

Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

[worldangel]

Joke: Catching many fish

 

 

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he.

On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.

 

The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Did you see that?

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flying in the plane

 

 

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

 

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."

 

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I have a question

 

 

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

[clementi]

Joke: Viagra

 

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going ?”

He said, “I’m going to the doctor”

And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”

 

“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills”

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”

 

She said, “I’m going to the doctor too”

He said, “Why?”

She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Dog Sitting

 

 

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours’ male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.

 

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.

 

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

 

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.” “I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

 

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“It just worked for me,” he replied.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Husband &Wife

 

 

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

 

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

[clementi]

Joke: The fisherman

 

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish.

The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The warden then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish.

The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot.

The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden said, "I'm going to have to place you under arrest--I am a game warden and you are fishing illegally!"

The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the warden. The stranger then said, "Are you gonna talk or fish?"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Lemon drops

 

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"

The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bottom deodorant

 

 

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Playing crabs

 

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty- thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[worldangel]

Joke: Safe to swim here?

 

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

 

Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where is my goat?

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited.

 

 

Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!

The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old boys

 

 

These two good ole boys decided to take a few days off from work and see some of the sights. So one morning after they crossed the state line they stopped to pick up a few supplies at a local store.

 

 

One of the men told the shop keeper, "we need so me maters, taters and onions. The shop keeper said "ya'll are from West Virginia, aren't you?" and the good ole boys said "yea, how did you know?". The shop keeper said, "it is because of your dialect, you know the accent".

 

 

So as the good ole boys left, one looked at the other and said, "that was pretty neat, can I try it the next time?" The other one said "sure". So the next morning as they went into a different shop, the other good ole boy said to the shop keeper, "we need some maters, taters and onions" and the shop keeper said, "you're from West Virginia aren't you?".

 

 

Grinning the good ole boy said, "yep, yep and I bet you knew that because of my dialect, you know my accent". The shop keeper said, "no, this is a hardware store!!!!!!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunken guys

 

 

3 drunken guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again.

 

 

Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".

 

 

The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?".

 

 

The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

My 8888^th post

 

Joke: Annual check-up

 

 

An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen." The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life."

 

The Doctor asks him, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

 

 

Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him. " "He What?"

 

 

She cried. "He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "AHA!!" She exclaimed.......... "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Terrible accident

 

 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gotcha

 

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymooner

 

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.

 

 

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

 

 

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just relax

 

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it?" he asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"

"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Eye-bag

 

 

There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I can’t get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her.

 

 

He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves.

 

 

It works and works for a while until one day she can’t get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just won’t go away. So she goes to the doctor.

 

She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I can’t seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags..those are your boobs." All she had to say was.."Now that would explain why I have this goatee."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The farmer

 

 

One day a farmer goes into town to see a vet to see if how to tell that his pigs are pregnant. The vet says that if there standing up in the morning there not pregnant, but if there rolling in the mud they are.

 

 

So the farmer goes home and loads all of his pigs in the back of his pick-up and takes them all out in the woods and fucks them all once. Then he takes them home and unloads them in there pin.

 

 

Afterwards he gets tired so goes to bed. The next morning he gets up and checks on the pigs and there standing up, so he takes them all out in the woods and fucks them all twice. Then goes home, quickly unloads them in there pin, and goes right to bed.

 

 

The next morning, very tired, the farmer gets up to check on his pigs, but they are still standing. Again, he loads them in the truck, takes them to the woods, and fucks them three times. Then he takes them home, unloads them, and goes straight to bed.

 

 

The next morning the farmer is so tired he can't even get out of bed, so he yells to his wife to come into his bedroom. He tells her to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are standing up or rolling in the mud. His wife replies neither, they're all in the back of the truck, and ones laying on the horn.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 25-inch dick

 

 

There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."

The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

[clementi]

Joke: Stolen car

 

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

 

[clementi]

Joke: How long?

 

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Cell-phone

 

 

Jason wanted to get his blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, but also something useful. So he finally decided to get her a cell phone. His wife was very excited about the new phone and told him she loved it. He carefully went through all of the phone's features and showed her how to use it. The next day, she went shopping and took the phone with her. The phone rings and it's her husband. "How do you like your new phone?" he asks.

"I love it, but there's something I don't understand," she replies.

"What's that?"

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Tennis ball

 

 

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A Blonde Girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the Blonde Girl sympathetically, "That must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Death in the family

 

 

One day, a blonde's neighbour goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbour made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbour went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.

''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: House ransacked

 

 

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.

I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old ladies smoking

 

 

Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. Suddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette.

 

 

Her friend asks her: "What are you doing?!?" So she replies: "I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom"

So her friend asks: "What is a condom?

Where did you get it?" So she says: "At the pharmacy"

 

So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom. The clerk asks: "What size?"

So she replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Season pass?

 

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

 

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

 

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

 

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"