Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Man and alligator

 

 

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

 

The bartender says "Well then, let’s see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

 

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Superman

 

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet.

 

 

The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in.

 

 

Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure."

 

The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Happy Halloween

 

 

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night… when behind him he hears: Bump… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…

 

 

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

 

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.

 

 

His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him.

 

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and, The coffin stops

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Paddy has a broken leg

 

 

Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, “How ya doin?”

 

Paddy says, “Okay, but do me a favor mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, my feet are freezing.”

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy’s gorgeous twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, “Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you both.”

 

They say, “Get away with ya… prove it.”

Mick shouts downstairs, “Paddy, both of them?”

Paddy shouts back, “Of course both of them, what’s the point of f*ckin one?”

[clementi]

Joke: On his deathbed

 

 

Dugly Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed.

He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife Kathy, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:

 

“Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.”

“Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.”

“Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.”

“Kathy, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

 

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Dugly slips away, she says to the wife, “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property.”

 

Sarah replies, “Property shmoperty…the schmuck had a newspaper route.

[clementi]

Joke: Monkey business on bus

 

 

This guy has a monkey and he wants to go down to Florida for spring break, so him and his monkey get on this Greyhound bus and head down. On the way there’s a terrible crash. The bus drives off the road and everyone on board dies. It’s a horrible bloodbath with body parts scattered everywhere. Everyone is dead at the scene except the monkey.

 

The police are trying to figure out what went wrong. They have no witnesses. It was a single-vehicle accident. So they bring the monkey in to interrogate him. The detectives figure it’s a long shot, but it’s the only way they’ll ever know.

 

In the interrogation room, the detective sits down across from this monkey. The monkey looks back at the detective as if he’s waiting for questioning. The detective says, “This is ridiculous, but let’s give it a shot. What the hell happened on that bus?” The monkey of course, can’t talk, so he stands up and mimes dancing.

 

The detective says, “Dancing on the bus, so the party started a bit early?”. The monkey nods energetically!

The detective says, “Well, that could certainly be distracting. This stupid monkey is actually helping. Can you tell us anything else, monkey?”. The monkey gestures as if he’s tipping back a bottle to drink from it.

 

The detective says, “Drinking, dancing and the highway, that’s bad news. Anything else?” The monkey puts his thumb and forefinger together to his lips and inhales noisily, then stares at the ceiling.

 

The detective says, “Marijuana? They were getting high, dancing and drinking?” The monkey nods enthusiastically!

The detective says, “This is really bad, but one hell of a smart monkey. Anything else happening on that bus?” The monkey bends down to the table, plugs one side of his nose and sniffs.

 

The detective says, “Holy shit. Cocaine on the highway, that’s incredible! It’s no wonder they crashed! What were you doing while all this was going on, monkey?”

The monkey looks over his right shoulder, puts his two hands up in front of him and swings them back and forth, as if handling a steering wheel.

[clementi]

Joke: Let him do what he wants

 

 

A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string.

 

He walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby “I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here.” She glares at him and replies “get outta here. you’re too young to be here.” The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says “look, lady- I’m paid. Let me do what I want.”

 

She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. “Meet Helen, she’s a veteran.” He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, “Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I’ve gotten what I wanted.” Confused, she asks him why.

 

He replied, “My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That’s what she’s into. She’s going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman… and HE’s the bastard who ran over my frog.”

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 Options

 

One afternoon a man says to his wife, you, me and the dogs are going pig shooting. They pack the truck and head off. They get there late at night and the man says, we will head off at sunrise.

 

 

The wife is tired and replies, I don't want to go in the morning. The husband is furious and replies, I will give you 3 options, you, me and the dog shoot, or you give me a blow job or we have anal sex.

 

 

The wife isn't to pleased but realizes it's one or the other. They rise early in the morning and the husband says well, what's it to be. She isn't pleased but decides to give him a blow job. As soon as she starts she stops and says, your dick tastes like shit.

 

 

He replies: "Yeh, the dog didn't want to go either."

[worldangel]

Joke: Psychiatrist

 

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

[worldangel]

Joke: Computer programmer

 

 

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Guys In A Bar...

 

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your grandma's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your grandma, and it was suh-weeeet!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "And your grandma liked it!!"

Finally the guy interrupts ..."Go home, Grandpa, you're drunk."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Knock on the door

 

 

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man asks if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question.

 

Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

 

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes. The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bright orange

 

 

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man’s penis is bright orange.

 

The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

 

The man says “My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I don’t come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self-dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed.”

 

The doctor asks “Do you do anything before bed?”

The man says “Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web”

[worldangel]

Joke: A farm boy

 

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forgets your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Curtain rod

 

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.

The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely.

Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move.

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Picture

 

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two deaf men

 

 

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I turned out the light." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hair cut

 

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said,

"To your house."

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing doctor

 

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Expensive Panties

 

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver." 

[clementi]

Joke: Heaven or hell

 

A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Petroleum Jelly

 

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Homesick

 

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

[clementi]

Joke: Not waking the wife

 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Let’s do it!' And, she's always sound asleep."

[clementi]

Joke: The hypnotist

 

 

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything."

The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone."

"No more headaches?!?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache." Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it. Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back". He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for round 2 with his wife--even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!" Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that he goes back in the bathroom.

This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's NOT my wife!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Couple of dollars

 

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Broken lawnmover

 

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point.

When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

[worldangel]

Joke: Anniversary

 

 

On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asks.

He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!' "

She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's forty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tired

 

This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, woman lying next to you?"

He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Heaven or hell

 

A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Broken lawnmover

 

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point.

When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

 

Two men are talking about relationships....One man tells the other how lucky he is that he's single and never married.

The other man answers why...did you have a bad experience with marriage?

The man replies...well...we argued alot...I caught her cheating on me and finally kicked her out of the house.

His friend replies...that's terrible...sorry to hear that. I will miss her being around.

The man says...yeah I miss her also...so I took one of her Kotex pads and placed it on top of the television.

His friend all suprised answers...why did you place a Kotex pad on top of the television?

And his friend replies....well everytime I come home from work...I look at the television...and it reminds me of the bitch that took the VCR...

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My anniversary

 

 

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a doctor, one was a lawyer, and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the T-shirt, she could go f*ck herself."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Newlyweds

 

 

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said,"You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, ly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?

.."LISTEN UP, D*CKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD D*MN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER F**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU SELFISH BASTARD. YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?"

........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? 

[worldangel]

Joke: Death bed

 

Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney.

"Sidney, you've been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I'm going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes."

"I can't do that, darling," Sidney said. "You're a size 16 and she's only a 10."

[worldangel]

Joke: Petroleum Jelly

 

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."

[worldangel]

Joke: Accused

 

 

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.

"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.

"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."

"And when was that?"

"When he asked for his second cup.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bikini

 

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied.

"You'd never get it all in one."

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

My 9000^th post

 

Joke: 25 Cents

 

 

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

 

 

The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents.

 

 

"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stubborn girlfriend

 

 

A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed."

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".

Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At a tavern

 

 

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

 

 

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

 

 

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

 

 

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

[worldangel]

Joke: Oxygen mask

 

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to  wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and   says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very  nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

[worldangel]

Joke: The perfect pen …

 

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch.

 

 

Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."

 

 

The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"  

[worldangel]

Joke: Technology

 

 

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.

"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.

When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.

The others raise their eyebrows.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: First hand job

 

 

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.

A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Back seat driver

 

 

After having a little too much to drink, a man drives home from the city, his car weaving violently all over the road, as drunk drivers are prone to do.

 

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

 

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

 

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

 

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The three sons

 

 

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

 

 

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

[worldangel]

Joke: At public restroom

 

 

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

 

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

[clementi]

Joke: Screams of pain

 

 

A girl is standing at The Gates of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

She says to St. Peter, “What’s going on?”

 

He says, “That’s the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos.”

She says, “Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I’d rather go to Hell.”

St. Peter says, “In Hell, you’ll be constantly raped and sodomized.”

 

She says, “That’s okay. I’ve already got holes for that.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Homesick

 

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."