Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

One day while at his best mate house, Norris decides that he desperately needed a shag. 'Jim, I know I can ask you this because we are such good mates and all.

I need a shag, can I shag your wife please?', said Norris. Jim thinks about it for a while and finally says, 'Because we are such good friends, Norris, yes you can. But be warned, do NOT go down on her. Understand?'.

Norris nods and heads upstairs to where Jims wife is tucked up in bed. He quickly went to work, but he was over come with an incredible sudden urge to go down on her. But he remembered what Jim had said and restrained himself. After finishing he went downstairs and watched a little more TV.

An hour or so later, Norris said. 'Jim? Can I shag her again please?'. To which Jim replied 'OK, but remember, dont go down on her!!!'. Norris happily bounded up the stairs and into the bedroom pounced on Jims wife and was about to start shagging her when he decided he HAD to go down on her, he couldnt help himself.

Meanwhile, Jim sat happily watching the TV heard Norris being sick upstairs followed by him running down the stairs looking decidedly ill.

'Whats wrong Norris?' 'I'm sorry Jim, I know you told me not to, but I couldnt help myself.....'

'You went down on her didnt you Norris!!!!' said Jim looking horrified. 'I got a mouth full of rice!!!' said Norris disgusted!

'That wasn't rice Norris, she's been dead three weeks!!'

[worldangel]

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Wow," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Ted said.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Ed said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Ted said.

"Straight, like normal," Ed said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Ted said.

Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Ted said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."

"fxxk," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

[worldangel]

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

[worldangel]

An airplane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a stewardess.

He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those two guys have no sense of

direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess' head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

But the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering in a lavatory, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the flight attendant what she said that terrified the man so.

"I told him, sir, that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

[worldangel]

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

[worldangel]

A guy was on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel. When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental Massage".

So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this oriental lady comes up and starts giving him a massage.

He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny. She told him to turn over and when he does she sees him "standing to attention". So she giggles and says "Ahh, you want wanky!"

So he says "Oooh, yes!"

So she runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says "You finished yet?"

[worldangel]

A man was having marital problems. So he went to his shrink for advice. The shrink says "when you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her, embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make made passionate love to her."

In two weeks the man was back in the shrinks office. The shrink asked "How did it go?" The man said "She didn't have anything to say, but her bridge club got a kick out of it."

[worldangel]

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him," answered the husband.

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said the husband.

"I did, and you got back your job this morning."

[worldangel]

A man walked up to a farmer's house and knocked on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed, "Get the hell away!" Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes.

The man replied, "Great, give some to your husband the next time you see him and tell him to keep away from my wife!!"

[worldangel]

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride called her mother from the hospital.

"Mother", she sobbed, "My husband has only one foot."

The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."

[worldangel]

All these sperm are hanging around. Stanley the sperm is working out, swimming laps and lifting weights. Everyone else is just lounging around.

The other sperm says, " Stanley, what are you working out for?"

Stanley says, " When the time comes, I want to be the one."

The other sperm says, "What are the chances of that--one in a million?"

The time comes, and they all start swimming and Stanley is way ahead of the pack. Then all of a sudden Stanley stops and starts swimming backward and tells everyone to turn a round and go back.

Everybody says, "Stanley, what's the matter?"

Stanley says, "It's a blow job"

[worldangel]

A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. The next day the doctor calls him back to the office and says "I have some really bad news for you. I have checked this result with several of my colleagues and we have come to the same result. I'm sorry to say you only have one more day to live."

The guy is shocked. He ends up in a bar for the remainder of the day trying to decide what he should do for the remaining day of his life. He finally decides he will go home and make wild and passionate love to his wife before he leaves this earth.

When the guy gets home that evening he sneaks into the bedroom and takes off all his clothes and crawls into bed. For three hours he has sex like he has never had sex before. After he is finished he is completely exhausted and crawls to the bathroom, completely spent.

Upon opening the bathroom door he is surprised to see his wife in the bathroom with a mudpack over her face. He asked puzzledly "How did you get in here." His wife then says "SHHH!!! You'll wake my mother..."

[worldangel]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

[worldangel]

There was this overweight man who desperately searched for the perfect diet. He searched and one day, found a real tempting ad in the news-paper. It simply stated that the company guaranteed desired weight loss or $1,000.00 back. So he decided to give it a try.

The first day, the weight loss center stuck him in a room with two beautiful blondes buttock naked. They were displaying a sign that read, "Catch me and I am yours for whatever". Well, he tried and after much running, he had lost 20 pounds.

Next time, he was placed in the same room, with 3 lovely gals - 2 blondes and a gorgeous red-head. Same thing, they all had signs on stating if they were caught, he could do whatever. Again, he tried but didn't catch them. But, he did lose another 15 pounds.

Next week, he was placed in another room with a beautiful spanish gal and she had a sign on that stated- Catch me and I will do you forever. Well, he tried but failed. He lost 10 pounds in the process. Well again, he left empty handed.

The final and 4th week, he only had to lose five more pounds to meet his goal. He had nothing to lose. So, they stuck him in a room and locked the door. Low and behold, there was a 600 pound ugly fat-lady with a sign on her that read, "IF I CATCH YOU, YOU ARE MINE!"

[clementi]

A famous sociologist was giving a talk to the packed audience in the local town hall. He said that studies conducted independently by separate medical groups had shown beyond any shadow of doubt that there was a definite relationship betwen the level of happiness and the frequencies of sex.

To proof his point, he addressed the audience, "How many of you have sex at least three times a week?" a very large portion of the audience put up their hands. They smiled widely and appeared contented and happy.

Next, he asked, "How many of you have sex once a week?". There were still a number of hands but the smiles were less wide.

He then asked, "How many of you have sex two or three times a month?" There were very few hands and there were no smiles.

Finaly, he asked, "How many of you have sex once a month?"

"Here! Here! one lone guy at the back stood up and shouted to get the sociologist's attention.

"And why, may I ask, are you so happy?"

It's tonight! It's tonight! he said excitedly.

[clementi]

Brad, the sperm lived in the body of a young man, and being the athletic type, he did quite a bit of exercise and was not surprisingly the strongest of the lot in the young man's body.

One evening they were put on Red Alert. Then, bingo! They were off. Brad, was swimming ahead of the rest of the bunch when suddenly he turned sharply, and shouted at them, "Go back! Go back! It's a blow job!"

[clementi]

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. Anyway, as he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up.

The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

[worldangel]

A woman's husband was watching a football game and she was bored. So she went outside and decided to pick up the trash in the yard. After a while, the husband came outside and was watching her work when he said jokingly, "You know, your butt is as big as that BBQ grill". She didn't say anything, she just kept working.

That night he crawled into bed and she turned her back to him. He asked her why she didn't want to have sex with him, and she said, "Why should I fire up this big old BBQ grill for just one little weenie like that ?!?

[worldangel]

A guy had only $1 but he wanted to fxxk somebody so he went to a whore house. When he got there he told the madam about his situation and she told him to go upstairs the 2nd door on his right.

When he got there he saw an old female on the bed. He was disgusted but started fxxking her anyway. Something was scratching his dick so he asked her what it was. She told him she'll be back and went to the bathroom.

She came back and he started fxxking her again and this time she felt smooth. So he asked her what it was that caused the scratching on his dick. She told him that she had scabs and that she had popped them and let the puss flow.

[worldangel]

Three door-to-door vacuum-cleaner salesmen show up at a farmhouse one afternoon and the kindly farmer agreed to buy a vacuum from each if they'll keep their hands off his *VIRGINAL* daughter while he's at the bank getting the money.

But when he gets back, he finds ALL THREE SALESMEN on top of his daughter. Pissed off, he fires a shotgun blast over their heads, marches them out to the garden and tells them each to pick TEN of any fruit or vegetable.

The first salesman comes forward with ten peas. "Shove them up you ass," orders the farmer. The second guy turns up with ten tomatoes and gets the same order. He has some trouble getting them in, especially as he keeps cracking up with laughter, but finally gets the job done. "

You're free to go," the farmer says to him, "but do you mind if I ask what's SO damn funny?" Collapsing with laughter once again, the salesman says, "The third guy is still out there, picking WATERMELONS."

[worldangel]

"James, come here!" the lady of the house ordered her male servant.

"Yes, Madam, "James answered meekly and slowly approached the lady.

"I want you to take off by dress," she said. James did as he was told.

She then asked him to take off her shoes and stockings. James obeyed. Next, she asked him to take off her bra and panties, which James also did.

"Is there anything else you want me to do, Madam?" asked James.

"Yes," answered the lady, "don't let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"

[worldangel]

The married couple faced the sexologist, complaining that after being married seven years, they were beginning to find sex boring and no longer enjoyable.

The sexologist suggested a novel way to put the pep back into their sex life. "Get yourselves fully undressed in your bedroom at night," explained the sexologist, "and totaly turn off the light. Stand with your backs on the opposite walls, count to ten and run towards each other."

That very night, they tried out the method as suggested by the sexologist. They stood with their backs to the walls, counted to ten and ran towards each other. The next moment, the couple was moaning in ecstasy.

When they switched on the light later, the husband found that he had gone inside the key hole and the wife found that the door knob had gone inside her!

[worldangel]

There's this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem is that he hasn't scored any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't got any action.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a quicky? I'll give you 20 bucks!" She says "Sounds good, let's go."

They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay, they head for the bedroom. He's loving the sex, and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman, maybe she's a virgin. After the whole performance, he rolls off of her and says "Wow! Lady if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks"

Surprised, she says "If I had of known you were actually going to get a boner then I would have taken my stockings off!!"

[Andy@Tokyo]

Translated the above mentioned jokes and posted it in a jap message board.

Thought i might as well post here to archive it. (Warning: The translation is not perfect, do help amend if u find mistakes.)

[worldangel]

Translated the above mentioned jokes and posted it in a jap message board.

Thought i might as well post here to archive it. (Warning: The translation is not perfect, do help amend if u find mistakes.)

Thanks Andy :thumb:

[worldangel]

The fortyish man decided to give up his bachelorhood and had just jumped on the bandwagon in the dating scene. Prudish and puritanical, he was overly concerned over the flimsiest of fears that anything he did could have seriously affacted his health. He would therefore constantly call his doctor to ask for advice.

One night, the doctor was awakened by a telephone call. The man explained, "Doctor, I'm sorry to disturb you from your sleep, but you see, I have this chick with me right now and I'm not sure if she has TB or VD."

The irritated doctor replied tersely, "If she coughs, fxxk her!"

[worldangel]

The man approached the girl at the complaints window to return a pair of brief.

"What is your complaint, Sir?" asked the girl.

The man nervously fumbled for words to politely phrase his complaints but after some struggle just only managed to blurt out: "You know Saint John's Cathedral?"

"Yes, yes," answered the girl at the counter. "And the ballroom under it?" continued the man.

"There is no ballroom under it!" exclaimed the girl. The man then said triumphantly, "See what I mean?" :oops:

[worldangel]

The attractive young thing was about to go to bed with her blind date for the evening when she broke into tears.

"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me" she sobbed. "I'm really not that kind of girl."

"Don't worry," he conforted her, "I believe you", "You're the first one," she gulped.

"The first one to make love to you?" "No. The first one to believe me."

[worldangel]

A man at the bar was boasting allowed that no man can beat in what he did best. A burly gorilla of a man then stepped forward, nudged our man on the ribs and roared, "What you can do I can do better!"

The smaller man then ordered a glass of beer, drank it in one go, pulled down his trousers, bent over and gave out a fart that could be heard for miles around.

The big man ordered two glasses of beer,drank them in one go, pulled down his trousers, bent over but before he could let out the fart, the smaller man had quickly stepped forward, shafted his cock into the arsehole and prevented the fart from escaping!

[worldangel]

A man walking along the road on his way to the betting shop saw a horse looking over a hedge. As he passed by the horse said to him, "Did you know I won the Grand National twelve years ago?"

The man was so shocked that he rushed straight into the nearest pub and ordered a large scotch, telling the barman that he'd just had a nasty shock.

"Don't tell me, that horse out there has been talking to you?" said the man. "Yes, replied the man, amazed.

"What did he say? asked the barman.

"He told me he won the National twelve years ago."

"Hmm, bloody typical. He's a liar, he was only second."

[worldangel]

Zig-zagging his way home through a cemetry one winter night, a drunk tripped and fell into a freshly-dug grave. Stretched out in the deep hole and too drunk to get up, he began to yell for help. Soon, a second drunk appeared at the top and asked, "Wassha matter wish you, ol' boy?"

"Help me out like a good fella," answered the distressed victim. "I'm getting awfully cold down here."

The other drunk took a closer look and answered, "No wonder you're cold, you mug - you've kicked the dirt off yourself!"

[Andy@Tokyo]

Did the same for the joke mentioned as above.

found it funny so it was translated and posted in a jap message board as well

[clementi]

Did the same for the joke mentioned as above.

found it funny so it was translated and posted in a jap message board as well

:thumb: Tks buddy.

[clementi]

While swimming in the nude at a deserted beach, the young man sustained a painful sunburn over his body. Later that night, while in bed with his date, he found the agony unbearable and so stepped into the kitchen to pour a tall glass of cold milk and submerged the object of his greatest discomfort.

"My God!" the girl gasped, watching him from the doorway. "I've always wondered how men load that thing!"

[worldangel]

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.

"Oh really, I can't," he replies "My wife loves this beard."

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.

That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she is sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh Tom, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!" :oops:

[worldangel]

Twin brothers were born. As they grew up, one took the path of least resistance, and did not live a very good life. He drank, gambled, cheated on his wife, stole, embezzled-you name it. Of course, because of his lifestyle, he did not live to be very old.

Years and years later, the other twin-who had lead an exemplary-died with his loved ones by his side at the ripe old age of 89.

So when he got to heaven, St. Peter asked him if he had any requests. He said to St. Peter, "Look, I know my twin brother didn't lead a good life, but he was my brother, and if it's okay with you, I'd really like to take one last look at him."

"Certainly, my son," St. Peter said as he parted the clouds to peer down into the underworld. The man saw the most extraordinary thing! His brother was on a deserted island in a lake of fire, with a beautiful blonde on one hand and a bottle of 100-year-old whiskey in the other!

"I don't get it," the man said, "What kind of punishment is that?"

"Ah," said St. Peter, "Don't be deceived by looks, my son. All is not what it appears to be. You see, the bottle of whiskey has a hole in it, and the girl . . .

[worldangel]

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

[worldangel]

A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fxxk her.The wive says, "I don't want to go hunting because its cold out, and I've never been butt fxxked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob."

So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says,"your dick tastes like shit!" The guy says, "yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either."

[worldangel]

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?" "Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur"

Do you smoke?" "No," replied the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" "Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

[worldangel]

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witchdoctor.

The witchdoctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witchdoctor says "This is powerful

healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witchdoctor "What happens when it's over?" The witchdoctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123," and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

[worldangel]

There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any.

Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows pussy and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over.

With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten.

He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose."

[worldangel]

A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.

He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that damned bucket.

The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"

She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."

[worldangel]

Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"

The father replies, "I don't want them fxxking your mother after I'm gone!"

[worldangel]

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo."

The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style.

Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position, too...' Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

[worldangel]

There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'!"

[worldangel]

There once was a guy with a 25-inch penis. Of course he was having problems

getting any because it was simply too long. So he goes to a doctor and asks

him if there is anything he can do. The doctor says, "Well, there is a medical procedure for that but it'll cost you about $10,000."

The guy replies, "But I don't have that kind of money and I really need to get this taken care of." So the doctor says, "Well, there is an old local myth that says if you go down to the lake and ask a certain frog to marry you, your penis will shrink five inches every time it says no."

Since the guy cannot possibly afford the money for the operation, he heads down to the lake. After spending about half an hour asking every frog in sight if it would marry him, he asks this one frog sitting on a rock, "Frog, will you marry me?"

Suddenly the frog opens it's mouth and says, "No." The guy feels something move in his pants and when he looks down, his penis is 20 inches! 20 inches is obviously still too big so once again the guy asks, "Frog, will you marry me?"

Once again the frog says, "No."

The guy looks down and his dick is now 15 inches. One more time and everything will be perfect the guy thinks to himself. So one last time, he asks the frog if it will marry him.

The frog replies, "How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no!"

[worldangel]

A husband and wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.

The husband, oblivious to the pheremones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.

The new man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other and yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.

Again the new man yells down, "Heeey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above, "Hey, I said no screwing!!"

They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!" Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets halfway up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out.

Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."

[worldangel]

A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"

The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the day after.

Then he asks, "Can I do this every day?".

"Yes, every day, except Wednesdays".

"Why not on Wednesdays?"

"Wednesdays is YOUR turn to be inside the barrel!" :oops:

[worldangel]

A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife in bed. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to give her an orgasm. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice.

His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a 100%successful. "Hire a big strong black man to stand near your bed and wave a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. Your wife is sure to have an orgasm."

The guy hired the strong man, hopped into bed, and while the huge black guy waved the towel, he made hot monkey love to his wife. But all his efforts were in vain. No orgasm.

He went back to his friend and told him what had happened. His friend suggested that the husband and the big guy switch places. "Why don't you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed". The husband agreed and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife.

The husband hired the same guy again and this time they traded places. The strong guy made wild, hot, crazy love to the man's wife while the husband stood and waved the towel.

Naturally, the wife had a divine orgasm.

The husband leaned over to the black guy and said proudly, "You see! That's how you have to wave the towel."

[worldangel]

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.

Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 hoices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged.

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"