Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: How do you explain this?

 

 

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her.

 

 

All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo.

 

 

She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Premature ejaculation

 

 

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

 

 

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.

 

 

That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

 

 

The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Complaint to doctor

 

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental.

 

 

He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"

 

The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

[clementi]

Joke: 10 marriages

 

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"

Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

 

 

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

 

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

 

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

 

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

 

 

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist. All he did was look at it.

 

 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The neighbour

 

 

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbour with her problem.

 

 

The neighbour says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red."

 

The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbour comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red.

 

The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Being questioned

 

 

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning.

 

 

The officer talks to the first girl, asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?"

 

 

She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He asks the second girl, "What's your name?"

 

 

She responds with, "Yo Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles."

 

 

The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He talks to the guy and says, "Let me guess, your name is Yo Yo Yo."

 

 

The guy replies with, "No, it's Bubbles."

[clementi]

Joke: Two buddies

 

 

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, not exactly."

 

 

His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

 

 

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Homeless men

 

 

Two homeless men are devising a plan to get free drinks at a bar.

 

 

The first one has an idea: "We'll buy a hot dog and stick it down your pants, walk into the bar, get our drinks, drink, and when the bartender asks for his money, you pull down your pants and I suck on the hot dog that you put down there. He'll kick us out, and we won’t have to pay. It's brilliant!"

 

 

The second man agrees and they do this in the first bar where it works just as planned. Then they hit up 4 more bars and the first man says, "This is great, getting all these free drinks!"

 

The other man replies, "Yeah, especially because the hot dog fell out at the first bar."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fish Heads

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're getting smarter already!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Circle Flies
 

An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.

"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."

"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."

"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your... daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."


At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Toilet Paper

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet ...papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bottom deodorant

 

 

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have.

 

 

Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But... I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cross a river

 

 

Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river.

 

 

The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river.

 

 

The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fooling Around

 

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

 

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother,... but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Worst Age

 

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the w...orst age of all!"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.

So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Technology

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.

"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.

When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.

The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Great Toast
 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me, life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Smoking

 

 

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go o...ut this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one,

"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy,
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",

"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your as*hole before prison, ..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cannot Undress
 

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
 

 "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights.

You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Wife a Chicken
 

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fourth Husband
 

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragi...c! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Duct Tape & Onwards
 

An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a young boy walking down the street dragging something behind him. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you got there?" to which the boy replies, "It's duct tape, I'm g...onna go catch me some ducks."

 

The old man laughs and he calls out, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The little boy laughs and continues on his way, returning a few short hours later, and behind him, he is dragging 8 ducks, all wrapped up in the duct tape. The old man can't believe his eyes.

The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch again and along comes the little boy dragging something behind him. When the old man asks what he's got this time, the boy replies, "It's a spool of chicken wire, I'm going to catch some chickens in it." Well the old man begins to laugh quite hard, telling the boy, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire."

The boy laughs himself, and says back, "That's what you said about the duct tape," and he continues on his way, with the old man laughing like crazy. A few hours later the old man is surprised to see the boy coming back, and even more shocked to see that behind him he is dragging 10 chickens, all tangled up in the chicken wire, he can't believe his eyes again.

The next day, the old man is sitting there wondering what the little boy will be up to next, and sure enough he sees him coming down the street with something in his hand. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you go there today?

" The boy responds, "It's a pussy willow."
The man then replies, "Hang on son, I'll get my hat!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wandering Dog
 

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stolen Car

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

 

 

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out. Maluch Man However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line.

 

 

"Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Push Please

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on t...he porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Trouble Sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

(sleepy)
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What are you doing this evening?

Rebecca, the curvy blonde secretary, came out from the cabin of her boss. She was shaking with anger, so a colleague asked her what was wrong.

Rebecca said, "The Boss asked me what was I doing this evening."

The colleague asked, "So what did you say?"

Rebecca answered, "I said I was doing nothing. He gave me 50 pages to type!"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wake up call
 

A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up.

[worldangel]

Joke: 85 Years Old

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The guy and his dog

 

 

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.

 

 

The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."

 

 

The dog’s owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".  The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".

 

The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".

 

[clementi]

Joke: How many bars?

 

 

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink.

 

The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer.

 

The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!"

 

Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: It’s on fire

 

 

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.

 

 

Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk.

 

 

"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

 

[clementi]

Joke: What’s your IQ?

 

 

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130."

 

 

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

 

 

The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar.

 

 

As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Alabama these days?"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: What firm are you with?

 

 

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Steering wheels

 

 

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

 

The Bartender says, "Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?"

 

The man replies " I don't know but its driving me nuts".

[worldangel]

Joke: Two drinks

 

 

A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious.

 

The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf."

 

A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up drinking!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Really good trick

 

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

 

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."

 

The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[worldangel]

Joke: What is in your vest pocket?

 

 

Man walks into a bar, has a seat and asks for two double shots. He knocks one back and tosses the second into his vest pocket.

 

This goes on for about a dozen rounds before the bartender says, "Excuse me, but I'm curious as to why you knock back one drink and toss the other into your vest pocket?"

 

The man says, "That's none of your damn business." A mouse pops out of the vest pocket and yells." And that goes for your damn cat too!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Daddy’s Hair

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. “Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.

“He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for... coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting a Cake
 

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

Later, when his mother brought ...him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"


Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Honey Pie

After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room.

One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie..." and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time.

The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Loud Train

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog Track

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You h...ad better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stop That

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Late for Work

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Whose idea?

 

 

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At gynaecologist

 

 

A gynaecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves.

 

 

The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs.

 

 

The doctor says, "What's so funny?"

She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In 2 hours’ time

 

 

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped."

 

His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

 

The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

 

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: At the restaurant

 

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table.

 

I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.”

 

 

I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”