Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly couple

 

 

There’s an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn’t part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, “Everytime one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine.’”

 

 

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, “Washing machine.”

The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache. A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispers seductively, “Washing machine.”

 

Yet again, the wife turns him away. However, a few moments pass and the wife’s needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says, “Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymoon

 

 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

 

 

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

 

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."

 

 

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Out for 2 hours

 

 

A young woman asked her mom if she could go out for some fries and eat them with friends for 2 hours.

 

 

Her mom said, "Sure." However, the daughter went to her boyfriends and had sex with him for 2 hours. When she came back home, her mom asked her how the fries were.

 

 

The daughter replied, "Nice!" The mom said, "I can tell you enjoyed them; there's still mayonnaise dripping from your face."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Condom Company

 

 

A representative for a condom company is on her way to a convention. While rushing through the airport, she drops the briefcase carrying her samples of condoms all over the floor.

 

As she is stuffing all the condoms back into her briefcase, she notices tourists giving her crazy looks. "It's ok, she says, "I am doing a huge convention."

[worldangel]

Joke: Screw you

 

 

This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex. He asks how often you should have it.

 

 

His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary."

 

 

The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?"

 

 

The young fellow asks. "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At barber shop

 

 

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

 

 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

 

 

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

 

 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

 

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Magic Lantern

 

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

 

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

 

The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorced

 

 

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

 

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"

 

"Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Paint my house

 

 

A guy meets a hooker in a bar.

 

 

She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

 

 

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Welcome to Hell

 

 

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell.

 

 

The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees. He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven."

 

 

So the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom.

 

 

The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The grandparent

 

 

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

 

 

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

 

 

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. "

 

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa.

 

"The hundred is from Grandma!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What the hell …

 

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

 

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t forget the coffee

 

 

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

 

 

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight..

 

 

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it.

 

As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You’ re gonna die

 

 

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says.

 

 

He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do.

Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.

 

 

‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

[worldangel]

Joke: French toast

 

 

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.

 

She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.

 

Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In the Hell

 

 

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks.

 

 

The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room.

 

 

People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.

 

 

On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Campers

 

 

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

 

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

 

 

The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Guy and an alligator

 

 

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Say to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks."

 

 

The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.

 

 

Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[worldangel]

Joke: Take another card

 

 

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million."

 

After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."

 

 

He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.

 

"Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.

 

Hit me, Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Email

 

 

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?"

 

"Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Dentist

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

[worldangel]

Joke: Douchebag

 

 

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident.

 

 

"Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son.

 

 

"Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?"

His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Orange head

 

 

A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?"

 

 

The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?'

 

 

I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me.

 

 

Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, I'd like a huge orange head.'"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Time sheets

 

 

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter.

 

"No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Comedians

 

 

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig.

 

 

They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number.

 

"Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets.

 

 

"What?" he asks, "Isn’t 44 funny?" "Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it…"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The 20-year old headache

 

 

There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

 

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

 

 

On his way home he walks past a tailors’ shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

 

Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

 

 

"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

 

"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

"Ok, now you're freaking me out...That’s a great talent" says the man.

 

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

 

"Nope 34" replied the man.

 

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you've get a headache".

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hard of hearing

 

 

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

 

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

 

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

 

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

 

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The pickled penis

 

 

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

 

The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vagina' and it will start having sex with you".

 

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

 

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Like a bulldog

 

A man and his son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"

 

The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.

 

The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah" said the son.

"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.

 

His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Check-up

 

 

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

 

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

 

"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

 

 

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."

 

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

 

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

 

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!"

 

She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Buying Viagra

 

 

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

 

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

 

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

 

The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."

 

The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".

 

[clementi]

Joke: Betting

 

 

Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5-storey building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars.

 

 

One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing.

 

 

The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again"

[clementi]

Joke: Bad day

 

 

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bad day

 

 

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Two buddies

 

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in."

 

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua???"

[worldangel]

Joke:  Smelly arthritis

 

 

An elderly couple (who lived in an old folk home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time.

 

Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip.

The two complained of some sort of illness and the carers told them to say put.

 

When the coach with the elders in had pulled away the couple made sure the coast was clear before slipping into the man’s bedroom.

 

As soon as they'd taken their clothes off and got into bed the man asked the women did she like anything doing to her?

"I love to be licked down below!" came the reply.

 

So the man ventured downwards.

After five minutes the man came back up.

"Any wrong?" asked the women.

 

"Well yes there’s a horrible smell and it tastes quite bad down there" said the man.

"Oh" said the women. "That must be my arthritis"

"In your Vagina?" enquired the man.

 

"No" answered the women. "The arthritis in my shoulder! I can't wipe my arse!!!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Get liqourd up

 

 

Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping.

One said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way".

 

So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liqour. After a week they met in a bar.

 

"Well", said the first guy "How much liquor did it take".

"A pint of whiskey", replied the other guy.

 

The first guy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The worm trick

 

 

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.

 

Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.

 

The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.

Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."

Grandpa said "No, you keep it."

 

The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.

Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."

 

Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad News

 

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"

"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.

"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.

The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bar Chatup

 

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the
top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bar Joke

 

 

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town.

Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window.

Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar.

The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.

"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."

"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.

"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The waitress

 

 

The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"

"Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.

The boss replied, "Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Really Bad Day

 

 

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Over the counter

 

 

A guy walks into a pharmacy.

 

 

He says to the pharmacist, "I've heard a lot about that viagra stuff. Does it really work."

The pharmacist says, "Yeah, it works great."

 

The guy asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

 

Pharmacist says, "Well, if you took enough I suppose you could."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Longest Scream

 

 

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

 

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

 

The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

 

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

 

The third friend says, "That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Migraine cure

 

 

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Negotiations

 

 

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do you have the time?

 

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flagpole

 

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

 

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: After business trip

 

 

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While in route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

 

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

 

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."