Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Moles

 

 

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is.... molasses!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gold medallist

 

 

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old drunk

 

 

A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila.

The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers.

He points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer.

Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"

The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts

"You! Your mother gives me a blow job!"

The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer.

Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"

This time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough."

"Just one more!!" yells the old man.

So the bartender gets him one more tequila.

The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts

"You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks at the other two men.

All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man.

Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mouse tattoo

 

 

There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar.

The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.

After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo, too!"

The men all look surprised.

The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?"

The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman..

Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.

One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?"

The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all.

My pussy must have eaten it."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The stuck vibrator

 

 

A lady called her gynaecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

 

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynaecologist to please examine her vagina.

 

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and expensive surgical operation."

 

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

 

[clementi]

Joke: What kind of drinks?

 

 

A man enters into a bar, and the waiter comes and asks him "What do you want to drink sir?"

 

The customer points out to a guy laying on the floor and replies "Whatever that guy was drinking."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Free Drinks?

 

 

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."

The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"

"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The three drunken men

 

 

Two drunks stumble out of a pub and are walking along the road.

 

 

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

 

 

Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

 

 

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bad dog

 

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"
The guy says, "I said BAD DOG!"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Everybody pays

 

A guy walks into a bar and shouts, "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody is cheering him and applauding like crazy. Feeling great, he finishes his beer, asks for another one and shouts, "When I drink again, everybody drinks again!".

 

Once again, everybody is cheering him, he is the hero of the bar. When he is done drinking, he pulls out his wallet and shouts, "When I pay, everybody pays!".

 

[clementi]

Joke: Mop bucket

 

 

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why I love her?

 

 

A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.

His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...

 

"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"

 

So what say the friends, flip her over.

"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.

 

"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.

"Halitosis" the man says.

 

"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.

 

"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Best friend

 

 

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay. "No, I'm not," the guy replies.

"I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?"

"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."

"Well, what did you say to your best friend?"

"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cheap beer

 

 

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Death in the family

 

 

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.

What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months?

How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk driver

 

 

A man stumbles out of a bar one night obviously drunk.

He makes his way down the street knocking into everything in his path.

A police officer watches him from a cruiser across the street.

The man comes up to a parked car, fumbles around in his pockets, gets his keys, and proceeds to drive away.

The police officer, unbelieving what he saw, pulls the man over a few blocks down the road.

The man gives a breathalizer for the officer and to the officer's amazement - the guy was stone cold sober.

"I can't believe it! I watched you walk to this car, drive erratic all the way down the road, and my machine says you have no alcohol in your system! How can that be???"

"Oh that's easy", replies the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunken superhero

 

 

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered.

The first guy said, "Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!"

Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, "YOU'RE ON!"

So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot.

"WOW," screamed the 2nd guy, "That was incredible. Do it again!"

So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend.

"That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"

"Ok," said the first guy, "But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it."

The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back.

"Your turn," he said.

So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window.

"This is easy. He did it, so can I!"

The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact.

Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer.

The bartender remarked, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Knickerless

 

 

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Crowded subway

 

 

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Math lesson

 

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

[worldangel]

Joke: Life time savings

 

 

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

[clementi]

Joke: A short fuse?

 

 

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: First things to do after jail

 

 

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

[clementi]

Joke: Hypothetically  Speaking

 

 

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Social security office

 

 

An old man went to the social security office to sign up.

He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn. The lady behind the counter ask him for identification. He went to get his wallet out of his back pocket and realized he had left it at home. The lady told him that was alright he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were grey she knew he was old enough for social security.

 

After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the social security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she could tell he was old enough.

 

After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he probably could have gotten disability too.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind man

 

An old blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store.

 

When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.

 

The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dentist

 

 

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

 

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

 

Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

 

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

[worldangel]

Joke: The blonde

 

 

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

 

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

 

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

 

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Millionaire?

 

 

Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?

Sure. Here you are.

Thanks - but half the pages are missing.

What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymoon

 

 

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.

 

 

Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"

 

 

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."

[worldangel]

Joke: Carpenter

 

 

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.

 

The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."

 

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.

 

"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor & Prisoner

 

 

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

 

 

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Winking problem

 

 

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

 

 

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

 

 

Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

 

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

 

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

 

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

 

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Accident

 

 

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

 

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

 

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

 

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

 

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

 

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

 

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

 

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

[clementi]

Joke: Always been a doubt

 

 

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."

His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt."

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.

Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

"So did anything happen?"

"I have some bad news for you," says the friend.

"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light."

"Then what happened?" says the man.

"I don't know. It was too dark to see."

"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bus driver’s parents

 

 

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: A rope and two knots

 

 

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Pregnant with my child

 

 

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

[worldangel]

Joke: Call 911

 

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

 

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

 

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

 

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

 

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

 

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem?

 

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two thugs

 

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!

 

Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?"

 

To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Magic genie’s lamp

 

 

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

 

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So, she became a redhead.

 

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."

She became a brunette.

 

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"

So, she became a man.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandparent

 

 

Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

 

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her righthand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde carpenters

 

 

Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

 

 

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

 

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

 

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shopping list

 

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following:

 

1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women’s deodorant.

She then goes to the check-out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The blind man

 

 

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong.

 

He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!"

 

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

 

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

 

"Because the shit is running down my back!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday’s gift

 

 

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $180,000 mortgage and no friken bike!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mental release

 

 

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind date

 

 

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Go hunting

 

 

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.

 

 

After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"

 

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep.

 

 

But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: End of the school year

 

 

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

 

 

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

 

 

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

 

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

 

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"