Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Not my wife

 

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis. To her joy, everything gets much better.

 

 However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes. This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him.

 

 

There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: She has a dick

 

A group of fathers are sitting around talking about their teenage daughters. One dad says, " I think my 16 year old is smoking; I found a empty cigarette pack under her bed." All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh no!"

 

Then a second dad says, "That's nothing. I found an empty liquor bottle under my 16 year old's bed." All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh dear!" Then a third dad says, "Mine's worse than both of those combined: I went into my 16 year old daughter's room and found a used condom."

 

 

All the other fathers say in unison, "Goodness!" The third father replies "Yeah, I didn't know she had a dick!"

[clementi]

Joke: Join a soccer team

 

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex."

 

The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.

 

 

The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!."

 

 

The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

 

 

[clementi]

Gay Joke: Who is that?

 

 

Two gay guys are sitting at a little pub looking out the window in a small town. This guy walks by, and the one guy says to the other, "Who is that?"

 

 

The other man says, "That's the new proctologist." He replies, "Well, I've got to meet him." The next day, he makes an appointment and goes in to see him. The doctor asks him, "What's the problem?" and he replies, "I have a terrible pain in my butt."

 

 

The doctor says, "Well, let's take a look at it." So he bends over, and the doctor gets down to look in his ass, and he says, "Oh My goodness! There's a stick up your ass."

 

The gay man then says, "Well, pull it out, pull it out! So he starts to pull it out, and notices that it has thorns on it. "Oh my goodness! There are thorns on it? Well, pull it out, pull it out!" As he pulls it out, he see it's a rose. "Oh my goodness! It's a rose!"

 

 As the gay man exclaims, "Well, read the card, read the card!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting married

 

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, "Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop.

 

 

A can of red paint, a can of blue paint, and a shovel." Paddy asked, "And what do I do with these, doc?" The doctor replied, "Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue.

 

 

That night if she says, 'That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw,' you hit her with the shovel."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 Boys

 

Three boys were discussing their fathers' favourite foods.

 

The first kid said his father loves to eat burgers.

 

The second boy said his father loves KFC. The third boy said his father loves to eat light. The other two boys questioned how his father does that.

 

 The third boy replied, "Every night I hear my daddy tell mommy to turn off the light so he can eat it."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Head cleaner

 

A woman decides to get a porno, so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title.

 

When she plays the movie, the screen gets fuzzy and nothing is going on.

 

When she calls the store about the movie, they ask her what the title was, and she says, "Head Cleaner."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Twins

 

Two guys are at a bar. One of them looks to the other and says, "I had the best time last night. I had sex with twins!"

 

The other asks, "How could you tell them apart?" "Well, Jessica had long, beautiful, blonde hair, and Alex had a goatee."

[worldangel]

Joke: A cheating wife

 

A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him. He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, "I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his penis."

 

 

Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home. At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, "Did anything happen today?"

 

 

The parrot said, "Yes, the milk man came over." The man asked, "What did he do with my wife?" The bird said, "I don’t know; I got hard and fell."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bubba

 

One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

 

 

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

 

 

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Take off my …

 

My sister asked me to take off her clothes. So I took off her shirt. Then she said, “Take off my skirt.” So I took off her skirt. “Take off my shoes.”

 

I took off her shoes. “Now take off my bra and panties.” So I took them off.

 

Then she looked at me and said, “I don’t want to catch you wearing my things ever again.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three friends

 

There are three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight. One day Fight went missing and his friends Mad and Brain started searching for him. Then Brain said, "Mad, let's file a missing person report with the police."

 

 

When they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said, "Mad, you go and make the report. I will wait for you here." Mad said, "Okay." Mad walked in but no police officers paid attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee.

 

 

Mad went to the officer, smacked the table, and the cup of coffee flew in the air, landing in the officer's lap. Angry, the policeman asked, "Are you looking for a fight?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am." The policeman asked, "Are you mad?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am Mad." The policeman then asked, "Don't you have a brain?" Mad replied, "Brain is outside sir."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At urinal

 

A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. The midget drags a small stepladder over, and climbs up to admire the man's private parts close up.

 

 

"Wow," comments the midget, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Freaked out, but flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "I know this is a strange request," says the little guy, "but would you mind if I touched them?"

 

 

Again, the man is taken aback, but seeing no real harm in it, consents. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 50 Cents

 

A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner.

 

Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?"

 

 

She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" She replies, "All of them."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cigarette

 

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

 

 

In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself.

 

 

He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

 

"Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my sweet little hamster."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 50 year old nightie

 

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Stuttering problem

 

 

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeensssttttutteringfforyyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccanyyyouhehehelpmmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwellwwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhatccanwweddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man

 

A 96-year old man is pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive.

 

 

"Surely you're imagining things," says the doctor. "You're 96 years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?"

 

 

"Yes," replies the elderly man, "that's why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good."

[worldangel]

Joke:Diagnostic Computer

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "Ya know, my damn elbow hurts like hell! I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen my friend, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It only takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor!"

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. WOW! AWESOME! He is blown away!

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. Hmmmm.........so he proceeds to mix some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure!

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And, if you don't stop playing with yourself, your damn elbow will never get better!

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Chunks

 

A lady and her husband go to the bar. The lady quietly tells the bar tender not to let her husband get drunk.

 

The bar tender, concerned, asked "Sure, but is there a reason?" The lady replies "Yes, every time he gets drunk he goes home and blows chunks."

 

The bar tender smiles and says "Oh alright, but that's normal." "No...umm.." the lady explains, "chunks is our dog."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:The 3 professionals

 

A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands.

 

He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly."

 

The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Father’s Day joke

 

One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

 

 

Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:

 

"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

[worldangel]

Joke:The drunken guys

 

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands.

 

By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.

 

I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

[worldangel]

Joke:Cremate me

 

 

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

[worldangel]

Joke:Labour pains

 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

 

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Blow my ass

 

After being married for twenty years to his lover, a gay man dies.

 

 

When the funeral arrangements have been set, the widower approaches the undertaker with a peculiar request, "I know we had plans to cremate his body, but will you please chop him up and put him in a extra spicy curry instead?"

 

The undertaker asks, "Why would you want that?"

 

 

The gay widower replies, "So he will blow my ass out one more time”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad news

 

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: So, I can use it again

 

At a jewellery store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweller. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

[worldangel]

Joke: Go get your mother

 

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

[worldangel]

Joke: Little turtle

 

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

 

 

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

 

 

The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pepper

 

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

 

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass.

 

The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

 

 

The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cigars

 

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

 

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is.

 

The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"

 

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."

[worldangel]

Joke: FBI

 

Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.

 

They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

 

They swore at Billy Bob and left... The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

[worldangel]

Joke: New Driving License

 

Martin had just received his brand new driver’s license. The family troops out to the driveway, the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

 

 

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

 

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys

 

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

 

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.

 

 

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

 

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Private school

 

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school.

 

On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school.

 

The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates."

 

 

"Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Twenty six

 

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said.

 

 "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.

 

 "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The blind man

 

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.

 

 

The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help!Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

 

 

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

 

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At supermarket

 

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher lady.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The rich man

 

 

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

 

 "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly.

 

 "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine.

 

 One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!" 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Veterinary surgeon

 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

 

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away." The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

 

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.

 

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

 

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?" The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Class assignment

 

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his.

 

"Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving.

 

"He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Depression

 

 

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

 

 

"My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

 

 

The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

 

 

The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex change

 

 

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed. After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Chemotherapy

 

A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.

So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. "Anything at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."

The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.

[worldangel]

Joke: At gynaecologist

 

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.

 

The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."

 

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."

 

They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her.

 

"It's Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Supernatural

 

 

A professor at the University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises! his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Heck! From way back there I thought you said "Goats!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Giving birth

 

A woman is in the hospital giving birth, and she's up on the stirrups. All of a sudden, the baby's head pops out and looks up at the nurse. "Are you my daddy?" asks the baby head. Shocked, the nurse replies concerned, "Uh, no, I'm not your dad, Ill run and go get him!".

 

With this, the baby's head turns to the doctor and says, "Are you my daddy?".

 

"My goodness no! But the nurse is going to get him, he will be here any minute." Finally, the father comes into the room and the baby sees the physical him and says, "Are you my daddy?" To which the shocked father goes up close to the baby's head and says, "Yes, son, I'm your father."

 

The baby pulls his hand out and pokes the funny father in the head and says, "Well then... STOP POKING ME IN THE HEAD!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hamburger Shop

 

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

 

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress jokes, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys

 

 

There were these three classic guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

 

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"