Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Ice Cream

 

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

 

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

 

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

 

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting married

 

 

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for a while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half-brother.

 

The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half-brothers!!!"

 

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Problem remembering things

 

 

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad News

 

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."

"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."

Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

[clementi]

Joke: On the aeroplane

 

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

 

 

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

 

 

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

 

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

[clementi]

Joke: Public service

 

Great news for all of us that hate drinking our 8 glasses of water a day!

 

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

 

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

 

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

 

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Kid expression

 

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

 

Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!" Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!" Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"

 

The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation. Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: My grandfather just died

 

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank god!" his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Tea or Coffee

 

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

1st customer: "I'll have tea."

2nd customer: "Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!"

(Waiter exits, returns)

Waiter: "Two teas. Which one had the clean glass?"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: What’s the story?

 

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

 

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

 

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Parachuting

 

A blind man was describing his favourite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

 

 

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

 

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: UFO

 

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.

 

As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The carpenter

 

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.

 

The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.

 

"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

[worldangel]

Joke: The plumber

 

 

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job the plumber demanded $150.

 

 

The neurosurgeon exclaimed, 'I don't charge this amount even though I am a surgeon."

The plumber replied, "I agree, you are right. I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon.

 

That's why I switched to plumbing!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Magician and the Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

 

[clementi]

Joke:The balcony

 

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

 

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the general manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

 

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

 

[clementi]

Joke:An artist

 

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. The owner decided to have some general fun and said, "I've got good news and bad news."  "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

[clementi]

Joke:Forgotten her name

 

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

 

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

 

Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

[clementi]

Joke:Ice cream parlour

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlour in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'haemorrhoids

[worldangel]

Joke: The bird

 

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.
He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it.

 

 

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde carpenters

 

Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

 

 

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

 

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

 

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Smith

 

Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry.

 

 

He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith.

 

The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college.

 

Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject.

 

Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three women

 

One day 3 women went to the top of a water flume in a swimming pool.

There was a black haired, brown haired, and a blonde haired woman.

 

 

When they got to the top a genie appeared from nowhere and said "when you going down the flume shout out the on thing that you want and you will land in it at the bottom.

 

 

So the black haired woman went down and shouted "money" and landed in a load of cash, the brown haired woman went down and shouted "gorgeous men!" and landed in a pile of men.

 

 

The blonde woman wasnt listening to the genie so she went down shouting weeeeeee.

[worldangel]

Joke: You’re next

 

When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

 

 

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Missing husband

 

 

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

 

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

 

The neighbour then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Curse

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!!"

They each continue on their way, and ..... as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ..... and dies immediately.

If only men would listen.

[worldangel]

Joke: Science teacher

 

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Clapping hands

 

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.

 

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.

 

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

 

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three women

 

 

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

 

She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!''

 

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

 

She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!''

 

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out.

 

The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

 

She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The blonde kid

 

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ''I can count higher than all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''

 

Her mother replied, ''Of course it is, dear.'' The next day, the blonde said, ''I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''

 

Her mother replied, ''Of course it is dear!'' The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ''I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?''

 

Her mother replied, ''No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fertilizer

 

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

[worldangel]

Joke: The handsome young lad

 

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

 

His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

[worldangel]

Joke: At gynaecologist

 

A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynaecologist due to a itchy rash in her puss... when she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked "when is the last time you've had sex?" the old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin..

 

 

He checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Kinky sex

 

A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"

 

The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Horse riding

 

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

 

 

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

 

 

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

 

 

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The blond

 

One day a blond went out to check her mail box. There was nothing in it. Her neighbour who was also out there gives her a weird look. An hour later she goes back out to her mailbox and goes back in cause there was nothing in it and her neighbour goes "What the hell is she doing?"

 

 

An hour later she goes back out side and looks in the mailbox and there is nothing in it. Finally the neighbour gets curious enough to ask her what she is doing.

 

 

The blonde says, "My stupid computer keeps saying you've got mail."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Teapot

 

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.

 

 

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge.

 

 

From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One smart oldman

 

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. When he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Late bus

 

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Hearing aid

 

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Speeding

 

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?"

 

The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The man’s wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite."

 

Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!"

 

His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, "Only when he's drinking!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Employee

 

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.

 

"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

 

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Marathon

 

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lemon drops

 

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"

The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The fisherman

 

 

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish.

The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The warden then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish.

The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot.

The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden said, "I'm going to have to place you under arrest--I am a game warden and you are fishing illegally!"

The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the warden. The stranger then said, "Are you gonna talk or fish?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Advice

 

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cigars
 

 

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them."

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Last request

 

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "What do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything." 

[clementi]

Joke: The train always late

 

A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.

What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.

The railroad engineer replied.

How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: School teacher’s note

 

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.