Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: The biggest lie

 

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

[clementi]

Joke: Telephone

 

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Punishment

 

A student is talking to his teacher.

Student: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"

Teacher:" Of course not."

Student: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Short Joke: Homework and on the bus

 

A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
 

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?"
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I am just fine

 

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jury duty

 

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice.

"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Honest lawyer

 

An investment advisor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment advisor.

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Guess who?

 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Way to true

 

Eino and Toivo, two upper Michigan handymen were hired to paint a flag pole and were going to be paid by the inch. As they were standing at the base of the flagpole looking up, trying as they may to figure how much to charge, a young woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We are supposed to find the height of this flag pole" said Toivo, "But we don't have a ladder. The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.

Eino shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a woman! We asked for the height and she gives us the length!!"

Eino and Toivo are currently working for the government......

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three things

 

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lab rats

 

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers for experiments in our lab?"

"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"

"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained. "First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things even a rat won't do."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Screwed

 

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?"

She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter."

He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Advice

 

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Valentine Card

 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?'' asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:The barber shop

 

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

 

[clementi]

Joke: 3 Mice

 

Three mice were being chased by a cat.

The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared.

Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A wooden leg

 

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him, "What was the name of his other leg?"

Why is this funny?

It's funny because of the confusion between these two phrases;
"a man with a wooden leg" and "a wooden leg named Smith."

Listen to the joke again.
(See above.)

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Factory workers

 

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Homeless men

 

Two homeless men are devising a plan to get free drinks at a bar. The first one has an idea: "We'll buy a hot dog and stick it down your pants, walk into the bar, get our drinks, drink, and when the bartender asks for his money, you pull down your pants and I suck on the hot dog that you put down there.

He'll kick us out, and we won’t have to pay. It's brilliant!" The second man agrees and they do this in the first bar where it works just as planned. Then they hit up 4 more bars and the first man says, "This is great, getting all these free drinks!" The other man replies, "Yeah, especially because the hot dog fell out at the first bar."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 911

 

A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?"

 

The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

[worldangel]

Joke: She had a dick

 

A group of fathers are sitting around talking about their teenage daughters. One dad says, " I think my 16 year old is smoking; I found a empty cigarette pack under her bed."

All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh no!"

 

Then a second dad says, "That's nothing. I found an empty liquor bottle under my 16 year old's bed." All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh dear!"

 

 

Then a third dad says, "Mine's worse than both of those combined: I went into my 16 year old daughter's room and found a used condom." All the other fathers say in unison, "My goodness!"

 

 

The third father replies "Yeah, I didn't know she had a dick!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lecture

 

A professor is lecturing a class and says, "Today's lecture will be about glucose. Glucose is sugar and can be found in lots of stuff. For example, semen, candy, etc."

 

A blonde girl responds with, "How come you can't taste sugar in semen?"

 

The professor says, "Well, sweety, that's because you don't have taste buds in the back of your throat."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cherry Hill

 

The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down.

 

Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?"

 

Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?"

 

The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The young man

 

One day, the teenager’s mother walked by his room and sees Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good teenage son save it until they're married.

 

A few weeks later, the mother asks Johnny, "How are you doing with that problem we talked about?"

 

The young man Johnny cheerfully says, "Great so far! I saved about a quart!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Spelling test

 

The Little Rascal's class were having a spelling test. The teacher asks if anyone can use the word "admire" in a sentence. Spanky raises his hand and says, "I admire my dog." "Good job," the teacher replies, "Now, who can use 'respect' in a sentence?"

 

Alfalfa raises his hand and says, "I respect Spanky for admiring his dog." "Ok, " replies the teacher, "now who can use the word 'dictate' in a sentence?" There is silence in the class, then all of a sudden Buckwheat says, "Darla how did my dictate !?!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Some icing

 

One day, little Suzie and her mom are walking down a beach when they see a couple having sex. Little Suzie asks her mother, "What are they doing?" And her mother replies, "They're baking a cake" so that she doesn't have to explain sex to little Suzie.

Later that day, after mom has tucked little Suzie into bed, little Suzie's dad comes home. Mom and dad decide to have sex on the couch.

The next morning, little Suzie goes up to mom and asks, "Mommy, were you and daddy baking a cake last night?"

Mom replies, "Yes we were, Suzie. How did you know?"

Suzie replies, "Cause I saw some icing on the couch."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: She is not mine

 

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis.

 

To her joy, everything gets much better. However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes.

 

This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him. There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cockeyed

 

Once upon a time, a doctor performed surgery on a young boy with an eye defect. After the surgery was done, he said to the parents, ""Your son is going to be just fine. We graphed some skin from his scrotum to widen his lid. He should have 20/20 vision when he wakes up."

 

The parents responded, "So his eye is going to be normal?" "Well, like I said, his vision will be normal but he may be a little c*ck-eyed."

[worldangel]

Joke: Superman

 

After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available.

 

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened."

 

So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting married

 

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, "Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint, and a shovel."

 

Paddy asked, "And what do I do with these, doc?" The doctor replied, "Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. That night if she says, 'That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw,' you hit her with the shovel."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hooker

 

A guy hires a hooker and brings her to his hotel. The hooker is in bed ready for action, and the guy starts undressing.

 

The hooker begins to laugh when he drops his boxers and asks, "Who do you think you're going to please with THAT thing?"

 

The guy responds, "Me baby, me!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The newlywed man

 

A newlywed man is going away on a business trip for 3 weeks and doesn't want his brand new bride to get lonely and mess around while he's gone. He stops by the local sex toy shop in town.

 

He looks around, but doesn't see anything that would keep his wife occupied for 3 weeks. He asks the clerk for a recommendation. The clerk takes a black box from underneath the counter, assuring the newlywed that its contents are not for sale.

 

He opens the box, and inside is what appears to be a normal dildo. The newlywed guy is unimpressed, but the clerk says, "Let me demonstrate." He looks at the dildo and says, "Voodoo dick, the counter!" and the dildo jumps out of the box.

 

The clerk commands, "Voodoo dick, the box!" and the dildo hops back into the box. The newlywed man asks how much it costs, but the clerk insists it is a priceless heirloom.

 

The newlywed man takes $500 cash out of his wallet and the clerk quickly hands over the dildo. When the man arrives home, he gives his wife the box, explains how it works, and leaves the next morning on his business trip. A few days later the wife is bored and horny, so she opens the box and sceptically says, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

 

After about 15 minutes, she has had several orgasms and is starting to get tired, so she tries to pull the voodoo dick out. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to make it stop. She puts on a dress and drives to the hospital.

 

On the way there, the voodoo dick is still going at her so the lady is speeding and swerving her car. A police officer pulls her over. The cop asks, "Lady, why are you driving so recklessly?" She explains, "Officer, there's this voodoo dick going at my pussy and I can't make it stop! I'm on the way to the hospital to have it removed!" The officer laughs and says, "Yeah right, lady. Voodoo dick, my ass."

[worldangel]

Joke: Head cleaner

 

A woman decides to get a porno, so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title.

 

When she plays the movie, the screen gets fuzzy and nothing is going on.

 

When she calls the store about the movie, they ask her what the title was, and she says, "Head Cleaner."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Overweight guy

 

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

 

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.

 

The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.

 

Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two guys

 

Two guys are at a bar. One of them looks to the other and says, "I had the best time last night. I had sex with twins!"

 

The other asks, "How could you tell them apart?" "Well, Jessica had long, beautiful, blonde hair, and Alex had a goatee."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 50 Cents

 

A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up.

 

He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50."

 

The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" She replies, "All of them."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Erectile Dysfunction drugs

 

So, you've all probably seen these commercials for the erectile dysfunction drugs.

 

They say a possible side effect could be an erection lasting for four hours, and if that happens, call your doctor. I say, "Hey buddy, if that happens, don't call your doctor, call me!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I am coming

 

 

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the labourers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs.

 

He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.

 

The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!''

 

The labourer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The statue pair

 

A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled.

 

Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish.

 

The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished. "Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye.

 

Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can shit on him!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Penguin

 

A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out.

 

So the penguin goes across the street to the 7-Eleven to kill some time and get an ice cream. Since the penguin has no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak.

 

He returns to the mechanic and the guy tells him, "Looks like you blew a seal." "Oh no," says the penguin, "this is just a little ice cream."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymoon

 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

 

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

 

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[worldangel]

Joke: Old lady & Dentist

 

An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.

 

The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynaecologist.” “I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  In the retirement village

 

Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it.

 

One woman tells the other that she misses sex though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have sex whenever she wants.

 

The first woman asks how and the second woman says every so often when he's in the bathroom getting ready for bed she gets naked and lays on the bed holding her legs up in the air so when he comes out he can't help but have sex with her.

 

The first woman decides to try this a couple of weeks later. Her husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed so she gets naked, lays down and struggles to get one leg up and then the other as she's holding them shakily.

 

Her husband comes out and exclaims, "Goodness, woman, put in your teeth and brush your hair....you're starting to look like an asshole!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The 17-year old son

 

A father caught his 17-year old son masturbating. The father showed the son a tree with a perfect hole and said to use that tree hole instead of masturbating. Eight years pass and since the son has been using the tree, he's still a virgin. His dad decides to take him to a whore house on his 18th birthday.

 

So Tommy goes upstairs with a prostitute while his dad is having some some drinks with the girls downstairs. The next thing you know they hear a loud scream coming from upstairs; the dad and other girls run upstairs and see the son with a broom.

 

The father asks, "What are you doing with that broom, son?" He replies, "To check for squirrels."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A cheating wife

 

A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him. He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, "I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his penis."

 

Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home. At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, "Did anything happen today?" The parrot said, "Yes, the milk man came over."

 

The man asked, "What did he do with my wife?" The bird said, "I don’t know; I got hard and fell."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dream

 

A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300."

 

The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free."

 

The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000." "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Welcome to hell

 

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees.

 

 

He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven."

 

 

So the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom.

 

 

The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The farmer

 

One day a farmer wakes up to go check on his cheese cow. He walks up and finds her dead in the grass. The man is so upset he kills himself. Then his wife wakes up. She finds her husband dead and goes to the lake and kills herself. Next the first son wakes up and notices everybody is dead. He goes down to the river and sees a mermaid.

 

She swims up to him and says, "Having a bad day, huh? I'll tell you what. If you make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring everyone back to life. But if you don't, I will kill you." He tries to do it, but doesn't make it. She kills him.

 

Then the second son wakes up and after seeing his dead parents, also goes to the river where he sees his dead brother. The same mermaid swims up and tells him what she told his brother. He asks, "If I make love to you 20 times, what will you do?"

 

She tells him, "If you are able to perform 20 times in a row, I will bring everyone back and make you the richest man alive." He then asks, "Well if I do it 20 times in a row, what's stopping you from dying? That's what happened to the cow."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bubba

 

One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

 

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

 

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost.

 

His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Take off

 

My sister asked me to take off her clothes. So I took off her shirt. Then she said, “Take off my skirt.” So I took off her skirt. “Take off my shoes.” I took off her shoes. “Now take off my bra and panties.”

 

So I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, “I don’t want to catch you wearing my things ever again.”

 

Joke: Lecture

 

A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood.

 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

 

 She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."