Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Mum and the boy

 

A mom of an eight year old boy is awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he runs in, he says he needs to talk to her about making babies. He claims he knows about the development of a fetus, but doesn't understand the answer to the million dollar question. Namely, how does the sperm get into the woman? The mom asks the boy what he thinks the answer is.

 

The boy says that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth, where he then kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.

 

The mom tells her boy that it is a good guess, but it's wrong. She gives him a hint by telling him that the sperm comes out of the man's penis.

 

Suddenly, the boy's face becomes quite red and he says, "You mean you put your mouth on that thing?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Small wash

 

There’s an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn’t part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, “Everytime one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine.’”

 

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, “Washing machine.” The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache. A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try.

 

He leans over and whispers seductively, “Washing machine.” Yet again, the wife turns him away. However, a few moments pass and the wife’s needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says, “Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand.”

 

 

Joke: Bubbles

 

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning.

 

The officer talks to the first girl, asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go.

 

He asks the second girl, "What's your name?" She responds with, "Yo Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go.

 

He talks to the guy and says, "Let me guess, your name is Yo Yo Yo." The guy replies with, "No, it's Bubbles."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rules and regulation

 

 

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you.

 

I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

 

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tomatoes & Cucumber

 

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbour with her problem. The neighbour says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red."

 

The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbour comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red.

 

The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two cowboys

 

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex position.

 

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind.

 

Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

[worldangel]

Joke: The three brothers

 

Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get theirs, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night.

 

He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters."

 

The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig." The second man said ,"I slept like a cow." The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Premature ejaculation

 

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

 

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position.

 

The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.

 

The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

[worldangel]

Joke: Where did I come from?

 

"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction.

 

Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks. "Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost interest in sex

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

 

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"

 

The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two boys

 

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long.

 

The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running.

 

The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.

 

The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Differences sexes

 

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

 

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”

 

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.

 

She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Your thinking

 

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

 

Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

 

The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"

 

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Truth

 

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"

The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"

The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

[worldangel]

Joke: Trial

 

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

The defendant replies, "It was easier than having to shoot a different man everyday!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bill of rights

 

 

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench.

"Your Honour," said Bob, "I objected because my distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the Bill of Rights."

"Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by heart."

Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now? Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says you can't even tell me the first few words."

Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

"Damn," Bob interrupted, fishing the money from his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At gynaecologist

 

A gynaecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves.

 

 

The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs.

 

 

The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lower sex drive

 

A 96-year old man is pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive. "Surely you're imagining things," says the doctor.

 

 "You're 96 years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?" "Yes," replies the elderly man, "that's why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Honest

 

An investment counsellor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too tired to go on

 

 

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

[worldangel]

Joke: Railroad

 

 

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was.

 

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

 

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A few drinks

 

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.

Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Chiropractor

 

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back.

"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"

"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."

"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Clever defendant

 

 

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.

"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.

"But I did send them," said the defendant.

"What?! You did?"

"Yes, That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Billing per hour

 

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.

"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor’s affair

 

 

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At pet shop

 

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

 

 As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

 

 

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Female teacher

 

A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz "behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?" she asked.

 

 

"an apple" replied little Raymond "no," said the teacher " it's a tomato but it shows your thinking." "I've now got something round, a greenish coloured you can eat it."

 

 

"An apple," replied little Ian "No it's an onion, but it shows your thinking." Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end."

 

 

"Dirty little boy," said the teacher "No it's a match, but it shows you were thinking," he answered.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding night

 

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.

 

 

"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."

 

 

So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile.

 

 

"Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pearly gates

 

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bruce & Sheila

 

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

 

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

He says "Strewth Sheila... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." ...and drives off.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hightide

 

One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom.

 

 

When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean."

 

 

The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole.

 

 

Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the man’s fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dinner invitation

 

“Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

 

 

"I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The famous pilot

 

A famous pilot was having dinner with a brunette and when they finished they headed to a hotel. He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived he put some red wine on the brunettes lips and started kissing her.

 

 

She asks what the red wine is for and he replies, "For when I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says. A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later, he splashes it on her rack and starts kissing her tits.

 

 

She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, "For when I have white meat - I have white wine." Eventually he works his way down to her cunt, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the fuck did you do that!?!" she yells.

 

 

The pilot replies, "For when I go down, I want to go down in flames."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Warm Meal

 

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

 

 

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."

 

 

And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

[worldangel]

Joke:The faith healer

 

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Extra large condom

 

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

 

 

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

 

 

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind, if I wait around here until someone does?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: KY jelly

 

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

 

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

 

[worldangel]

Joke:VHS Tape

 

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Middle-East a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favourite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's ding dong. After a few seconds, he blows his load in her pie hole and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:You complained too much

 

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

 

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

 

"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: UFO

 

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Insufficient funds

 

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"

 

 

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

 

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."

 

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At family dinner

 

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

 

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

 

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Paper or pepper

 

A guest who was staying in a hotel in a small town phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Castrated or Circumcised?

 

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A middle age couple

 

A middle aged couple went to a spouse swapping party. They met a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night. So they went off with the opposite spouse.

 

 

When the woman saw the male martians' penis she said "Well that's nice but it's kind of short isn't it?" Well the martian reached up and patted his head. While he did that his penis got longer and longer.

 

 

The woman saw that and said "That's nice but it's not very fat is it?" The martian reached up and pulled on his ears. As he was doing that his penis got fatter and fatter. The women had a grand time that night. In the morning the man and woman were comparing their experience.

 

 

The woman said "I really enjoyed myself, we should swap again." The man said "I enjoyed it too but, I just can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I thought he could fly

 

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman... She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

 

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defence of herself. "Your Honour," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What a way to die?

 

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

 

 

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

 

 

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

 

 

The poor woman prayed for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:What do you say to a little F**k?

 

 

The horny midget found that the best way to ?get off? with women was to use the direct

approach. So he goes up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and says, ?

 

Hey, baby, what do you say to a little f**k??

She looked down at him and replies, ?Hello, little f**k!?

 

[clementi]

Joke: Duck walks into a bar

 

A duck walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer".

The bartender says "Hey! where did you come from?"

The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street".

And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?"

And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?"

 

[clementi]

Joke: You look just like my son

 

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.