Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

A couple has a male friend from visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeping him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his butt. He won't even wake up."

The friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's butt, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

The husband then rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "It's bad enough that you're screwing my wife, but could you at least stop using my butt for a scoreboard?"

[worldangel]

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says. "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening and took his date to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.

His date was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

[clementi]

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...

"I don't wanna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"

[clementi]

A doctor named Eli Chang had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.

The Greens pleaded with him and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..."

[worldangel]

There was once a man whose wife had gone for a vacation. When she came back from her vacation, she finds that there are two panties in her dresser which do not belong to her.

Seeing this, she gets very angry and calls her husband and asks him ,'Whose panties are these?' Taken aback, he replies, 'I have no idea.'

She gets really irritated and asks him to tell the truth, and thereafter calls the maid. She questions the maid and asks her who these panties belong to.

The maid replies, "Madam, how do I know? These panties don't belong to me, I don't wear panties, you can ask Sir, he knows it."

[worldangel]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog, and it said, 'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.'

"So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, 'You now have 3 wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzennegger.' She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

"She then asked, 'What will be your second wish?' I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, 'I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!

"Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, 'You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?' I looked at her and replied, 'How about a little head?' "

[worldangel]

A man was coming up the walk on his way to visit his grandparents when he spotted his Grandfather sitting in a rocking chair on the porch, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing ?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. So your grandma suggested I go sit out here with my pants off."

[worldangel]

A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town he went into a nearby saloon. Approaching the bartender he asked, " Is there any action to be had in this town?"

"What do you mean, action," asked the bartender.

"I mean, are there any women," said the trapper.

"No, but there's always old Joe," replied the bartender.

"No thanks," said the trapper. "I don't go for that kind of stuff."

The next spring the trapper came back into town. After being snowed in for 9 months he was in a slightly different frame of mind. He walked into the bar and asked, "Is there any action in town?"

"There's still old Joe," replied the bartender.

"If I were to go for old Joe," he asked, "Who would have to know about it?"

"Well," said the bartender, "there's you, me, old Joe of course, and these three guys sitting at the other end of the bar."

"What do we need those three guys for?" asked the trapper.

"To hold old Joe," replied the bartender. "He don't go for that kind of stuff, either."

[worldangel]

Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, "So ... how was I?"

She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!"

Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Geppetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?"

Geppetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem."

About a month later, Geppetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?"

"Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?"

[worldangel]

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

[worldangel]

When I was in junior. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.

[worldangel]

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. The fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish.

"She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

The old lady fainted. :oops:

[worldangel]

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent.

When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

[worldangel]

There was this shepherd who had this whole flock of sheep. He wanted to get the sheep pregnant so that he could increase his stock, but he was too poor to buy a male sheep. So, he figured the only thing he could do was to get the sheep pregnant himself.

One morning the man loaded up all the sheep into his truck and drove them over to a barn where nobody could see him. He screwed each sheep and then loaded them back in the truck and brought them back to the pasture near his house. He went to bed that night after a long day's work.

The next morning he woke up, and looked out the bedroom window expecting all the sheep to be laying down on their sides, because that is what the sheep do when they are pregnant. But, all the sheep were still standing.

The guy is surprised and a little disappointed, but he gets up, loads the sheep back into the truck, takes them to the barn and tries to get them impregnated. He wakes up the next morning and looks out the window and sees that the sheep are all standing up. So, he loads them in the truck, takes them in the barn and does them all, yet again.

The next morning, he is so exhausted by his work, he asks his wife to look out the window and look at the sheep. She does this and he asks her if they are laying down on their sides She says, "No, they are all in the truck, and one is honking the horn!"

[worldangel]

Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny...keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label, "Viagra Extra Strength," and says, "Here, if you take this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a tube of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"

Crazy Mike says, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up."

[worldangel]

A young lady had just visited her doctor and was informed she was pregnant. She had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus on her way home, she felt she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to tell.

"Sir," she said. "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll burst." She told him what the doctor had told her and how long she had waited for the event.

The man shared her enthusiasm, then he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer. "I use to have trouble with the hens laying fertilized eggs. But one day I went out to the hen house and checked the eggs the hens had laid. All were fertilized."

"What changed that made them all fertilized?" the young lady asked.

"Simple. I changed cocks!"

"Confidentially," the newly pregnant woman responded, "So did I."

[worldangel]

Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. It might put them on the same sexual level, he thought. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."

[worldangel]

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

[worldangel]

A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man.

"Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?"

"Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"

"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt. Fire away, young man."

Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?".

"Yes Sir, for as long as I can remember."

"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" asks the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

"Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."

The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward, and says, "I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?"

"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper. "We put it on our bedroom doorknob." The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face and takes a step backward before the homeowner continues.

"It keeps the kids out."

[worldangel]

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, mom forgot until the last minute.

She dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom entered their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" She exclaimed.

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

[worldangel]

A mangy redneck youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing that night's dinner. "Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?" asks the slack-jawed youth.

"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"

"No thanks, just the cider."

"Well, sure," responds the youth's mother and gives her boy the cider and watches him trot off contentedly.

About 15 minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks him mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happily.

Ten minutes later the boy returns and once again asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. She wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.

"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" asks the boy's mother.

"Well, mom, I heard sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in her hand, she couldn't wait to get it in cider."

[worldangel]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a sample of Viagra, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip the tablet into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does.

About a week later she's back to see the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great, I put it in the potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize the pills were that strong. I'm sure my insurance will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway."

[worldangel]

Three guys walk into a bar and have a drink. After about ten minutes of chatting and drinking, the first guy says, "I was making love to my wife last night and she enjoyed it so much that when I got off her she rose 3 inches of the bed!"

The second guy says, "Oh, that's nothing. When I made love to my wife last night, she enjoyed it so much that when I got off her she rose 6 inches of the bed!"

The third guy butts in and says, "That's nothing. When I made love to my wife last night, I got off her, wiped my dick on the curtain and she hit the roof!"

[worldangel]

One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.

He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.

Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the father continues pumping the mother, as if nothing was wrong.

Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?"

"Of course, son, we're a family."

So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

"Hang on Dad!" cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

[worldangel]

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.

"Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?"

[worldangel]

Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying "Enter here for a chance at free sex!" They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten.

The first guy guesses five. The attendant says, "Sorry, but the number is eight."

The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, "Sorry, but the number was three."

As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and says, "You know, I think that contest was rigged."

The second guy--the smarter of the two--replies, "Naw, it's on the up and up. My wife won twice last week."

[worldangel]

A woman was riding on a plane next to another man in first class. The man sneezed very hard, pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.

The woman couldn't believe what she just saw and decided she was hallucinating.

A few minutes passed. The man sneezed again. He pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.

The woman was about to go nuts. She couldn't believe that such a rude person existed.

A few minutes passed. The man sneezed yet again. He took his penis out and wiped the tip off.

The woman finally had enough. She turned to the man and said, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replied, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such as that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then said, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looked at her, grinned and said, "Pepper, of course."

[worldangel]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.

I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house. I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?'.... and she's always sound asleep!"

[clementi]

Three Irishmen are being treated by a speech therapist for stuttering. The therapist is a real looker and very curvy. She is finding it very difficult to make any progress with the three men and so she decides to try a reward system. She tells the three that she will have sex with anyone of them who can tell her where they were born without stuttering.

The first Irishman stands up, says, "B-B-B-B-Belf-f-f-f-ast" and sits down in disappointment.

The second Irishman says "D-D-D-Dublin" and also sits down with a sad face.

The third Irishman says "London." In amazement the therapist immediately grabs him, takes into the next room, from where there are sounds of frantic lovemaking. After half an hour they return and the Irishman has a stupid, satisfied grin on his face.

Before restarting the session the therapist asks if there's is anything that any of the men would like to say. The third Irishman raises his hands and continues "d-d-d-d-erry."

[worldangel]

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And shot with a .22 rifle."

The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion," and fingering the bullet hole, said, "and the rifle was a .308" and he was right again.

This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills, over and over again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?"

And his wife replied angrily, "From me, of course!"

"But what did I do?" he asked.

She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone, "Skunk, killed with an ax!"

[worldangel]

One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"

The dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

[worldangel]

A drunk guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"

"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye." :oops:

[worldangel]

A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.

That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife. "Tony, listen!" she whispered.

He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.

The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!" So Tony climbed on top of his wife, and pounded the old bone home.

As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's make love again!"

Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and screwed her as hard as he could.

As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!"

So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man down here!"

[worldangel]

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit,he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that

sonofabitch can drive", then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

"Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?"

"He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy.

"We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!

"We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!"

He paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"

[worldangel]

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife.

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends

[worldangel]

This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it.

After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes.

He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.

He kicks her in the face. :oops:

[worldangel]

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties, came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

[worldangel]

There's this couple. He's 87 and she's 86 years old. They just got married and are on their honeymoon. In the Hotel room, she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom. He's in he bathroom sprucing himself up.

She waits.. and waits.. 'til she can't wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom. She asks "Honey, what are you doing?" and giggles. "I'm 86 years old and can't get pregnant anymore."

He looks up at her and says "I know, but honey, you know how the dampness effects my arthritis."

[clementi]

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, "Okay."

"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?!" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"

[worldangel]

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.

Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?

Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.

Mom: How?

Daughter: Oh, stuff....

Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...

Daughter: I don't know.....

Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe I remember

Daughter: Really?

Mom: Really...

Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your eyes?

[worldangel]

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.

But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one.

After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad,

but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."

"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

[worldangel]

There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering

the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."

[worldangel]

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time.

"Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."

[worldangel]

A gay guy John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor says "John, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

Frank is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spiced sausage a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Frank asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for!"

[worldangel]

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.

The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"

The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."

The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

[worldangel]

One day the husband comes home to his wife and she says to him, 'honey, honey, I need twenty dollars I have to go out and buy some meat.' 'Twenty dollars!... are you crazy? Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something.'

So they run up to the bathroom and he stands in front of the mirror and pulls out a twenty dollar bill and says, 'you see that twenty in the mirror, that ones yours and this ones mine.'

So he goes to work the next day and when he comes home he finds the kitchen table packed full of meat from one end to the other.

He runs up to his wife and says, 'honey, honey, where the hell did you get all of this meat?' And she replies, 'Well, come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something.'

They run up to the bathroom and she stands in front of the mirror lifts up her skirt and says, 'you see that one in the mirror, that ones yours and this one's the butcher's.'

[worldangel]

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you."

"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."

"I want you."

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

[worldangel]

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold." "Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"

"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"

"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"

"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"

"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

[worldangel]

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!" The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, Sir, could I help you?"

The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"

[worldangel]

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!