Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Series of Miracles

 

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from fate that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!, This must be a sign from fate!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely fate wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

 

[clementi]

Joke: In just three words

 

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work? Cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his? overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him:

" I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."?

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.?

The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The man considered her proposition for a moment,? withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted? out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said :

"Paint my house."

 

[clementi]

Joke: She came to me on her hands and knees

 

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

 

[clementi]

Joke:Three blondes and a fairy

 

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish.

The first blond asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent that the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired? woman builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

 

[clementi]

Joke: 5 pounds

 

A maid is being fired for shoddy work. When her employer has finished talking the maidtakes 5 pounds out of her purse and gives it to her.

What’s this for? asks her former employer.

Its for your dog.? Replies the maid. He’s been helping me clean the dishes for weeks!

 

[clementi]

Joke:A cute dog

 

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"

The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.

"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Are you the one?

A crusty old biker, out on a long summer ride in the country, pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. Yes??

She inquires with a wide, knowing smile, May I help you??

The ole biker leans over the bar, I was wondering young lady, he whispers, Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs??

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, Why yes, yes, I sure am.?

The ole biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The drill sergeant

 

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

 

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: E-mail

 

As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months.

 

One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The verdict

 

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

 

It was nearly 4 PM. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

 

 

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.

 

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Amish boy

 

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pirate

 

A pirate walks into a bar and it appears that he has a steering wheel to a ship in front of his trousers.

 

In fact, it looks like he's got his dick stuck through the center of it.

 

The bartender says, "Hey pirate! You've got your dick stuck in a steering wheel!"

 

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know; drives me nuts!!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cold war

 

Husband and wife had a cold war for few days. However, to minimise the trouble husband asked the wife for a long drive along the country side. Music were on but a complete silent was prevailing in the car.

 

The husband was driving, and the wife was looking outside with an indifferent gesture. Suddenly the husband found that the wife was looking towards some cows grazing in the green field.

 

He took the opportunity to make the situation lighter and asked the wife " Relative of yours?" The wife, breaking the silence instantly replied, "Yes, by marriage."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 2 marriages

 

She married and had 13 children.  Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: AIDS

 

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"

Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."

"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."

Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pickpocket

 

In a courtroom, a pickpocket is on trial and the victim is stating what happened.

 

She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere."

 

At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Physical examination

 

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

 

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The boss

 

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

 

 

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.

 

By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

 

"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

[worldangel]

Joke: The best the Ole could take

 

One day, Sven vas walking down the street when who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It was Ole. Ole pulled up to him with a wide smile.

"Ole, where did you get that car?" Sven asked

"Lena gave it to me"

"She gave it to you? I knew she was sweet on you, but this?"

"Well, let me tell you vat happened. We were driving out on county road 6, in that middle of nowhere. Lena pulled off the road into the woods. She parked, got out of the car, threw off all of her clothes and said "Ole take whatever you want."...So I took that car"

"Ole, you are a smart man, the clothes never would fit you."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A loving & caring wife

 

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good excuse

 

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday gift

 

Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So that's what Rich did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just relax

 

A man was on his death bed. His wife was stroking his hand lovingly and speaking gentle words to him for the last time.

"I gotta tell you something honey" said the man very weakly.

"No sweetie, it's all right, relax" replied the woman.

The man took a deep breath and said, "I have to say that I cheated on you with your sister, your mother and your aunt!!"

The wife cooed, "Sssshhhh, I know, just relax and let the poison do its job."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Miraculous

 

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

[worldangel]

Joke: More often

 

A couple who are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a fancy restaurant are reminiscing about times past. After having mentioned all the wonderful moments of their full and happy life together, the old man says, "You know, I still love the sex we have together, darling."

After a couple of minutes thinking about this, the wife replies, "Well, yup, me too, but I think I prefer Christmas."

Somewhat taken aback, the husband retorts, "Don't you prefer the sex?"

"Difficult to say," says the old lady, "but Christmas does comes round more often".

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Never say to your wife

 

If your wife should ask you how she looks in a dress, never say:
Chunky Monkey.

If your wife should ask you how large a television you should buy, never
say as big as it needs to be to see around your rear.

If your wife should ask does this dress make me look fat, you should never say oh, it's not the dress.

If your wife should ask you about your anniversary, you should never say when is that?


If your wife should ask you if you remember what today was, you should
never say I didn't know there was going to be a test.

If your wife should ask you what do you want for a birthday or Christmas,
you should never say just your love and affection.

If your wife should ask you do you want to know what she wants for
a birthday or? Christmas, you should never say oh I already know what I'm getting you.

If your wife should ask you why you didn't get her what she asked for on
her birthday or Christmas, you should never say because I didn't remember what you said.

If your wife should ask you if you remember having the conversation,
you should never say I remember your mouth moving, but not the words coming out.

If your wife should say she asked you to do/pick up/deliver or in anyway
facilitate the process of something going from one place to another, you should never say no you didn't.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I don’t need it

 

A man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for
when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says,
"I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before.

He takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible.
I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?"
he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it.
Do you have a housekeeper around" "Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Learn from the bull

 

The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."

 

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

[clementi]

Joke: Why don’t you do that?

 

A wife one evening drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How loving they are?

He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that? she asked.

The husband replied:
"I tried once but she slapped me."

 

[clementi]

Joke: 3 Restaurants

 

There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."

The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:The frog & the engineer

 

An engineer was taking a walk when a frog spoke to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll become your girlfriend."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll become your wife."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog said, "What is the matter? I'm a beautiful princess. Why won`t you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend or a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Good news & bad news

 

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."

The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Coins

 

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."

The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"

The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Looking for a wife

 

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Call me a taxi

 

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:The perfect son

 

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?

A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?

A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?

A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?

A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

 

[clementi]

Joke:The second opinion

 

The doctor to the patient: "You are very sick."

The patient to the doctor: "Can I get a second opinion?"

The doctor again: "Yes, you are very ugly too."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Doctor, it hurts!

 

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"

The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts.When I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."

The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you. You've broken your finger!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Before it starts

 

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

 

 

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

 

 

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Only when

 

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?"

 

The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The man’s wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite."

 

Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!"

 

Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, "Only when he's drinking!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Where was he?

 

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"
"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Earring

 

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense.

The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I would have gotten out today

 

 

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

What’s wrong with you?? she asked him.

Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen? he replied. And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison.?

Baffled, she said, Yes, I remember, so what??

The husband sobbed,? I would have gotten out today.?

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Me too?

 

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. Doc, you’ve gotta help me! My wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her??

Look, I can’t prescribe anything??

Doc, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I’m desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You’ve got to help me.?

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE?

I don’t know, doc. She’s awfully cold.?

One. No more. In her coffee. Okay??

Um? okay.? He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee.

 

 

He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee.

 

His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, I need a man??

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies? Me too.?

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Special fare rate

 

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

 

Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

 

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting a second opinion

 

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"  "Getting a second opinion."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind date

 

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mom?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?" the concerned daughter asked.

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Baby brother

 

Two children are talking.

A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Boy or Girl

 

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

[clementi]

Joke: $100 bill

 

A: Why are you late?
B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
B: No, I was standing on it.