Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: A good dancer

 

A girl and a boy are talking.

The girl says, "You would be a good dancer except for two things."
The boy asks, "What are those two things?"
The girl answers, "Your feet."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Wife’s luckiest day

 

 

A man is in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone rings, he engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk....

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: How much?"

WOMAN: $60,000.

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000."

WOMAN: "OK. This is surely my luckiest day. I love you! Honey"

MAN: "Bye, I love you too."

When he just hangs up, another man enters the locker room and? asks the first man, "Have you seen my cell phone?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too many tickets

 

So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

[worldangel]

Joke: A lying cheat

 

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters.

They know he is a lying cheat, but they just ignore the issue.

He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.

This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a lying cheat. To top it off, he ignores me just because I am a lesbian.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 daughters

 

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their wellbeing and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.?

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered: the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?"?
The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.?

The next lad arrived and said,?
"My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?"
Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.?

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck --" and the farmer shot him.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Plumbing job

 

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job the plumber demanded $150.

 

 

The neurosurgeon exclaimed, 'I don't charge this amount even though I am a surgeon."

 

The plumber replied, "I agree, you are right. I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon.

 

That's why I switched to plumbing!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A neighbour messaged to say sorry.....

 

 

 A man received a message from his new neighbour from overseas:

"Sorry sir, I have been using your wife day and night when you are not present at home -- maybe using more than you are using. Now I feel very much guilt. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."

The man shot his wife...

A few minutes later he received another message:

“Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... wifi not wife.”

 

Aaiyioahyioyoooo

 

[clementi]

Joke: The blind man

 

 

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.

 

The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

 

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

 

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!" 

[clementi]

Joke: On a lonely island

 

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bronze statue

 

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Rich guy & poor guy

 

There was a rich guy and a poor guy sitting together in a bar. The poor guy says "Well I must be going because I don't have that much money so I must go" (he stands, ready to leave) The rich guy says "No, sit down and I will buy you more drinks."

 Poor guy: "Alright, but just one more, I really have to be getting home. It is my wife and I's anniversary"
 Rich guy: "Really? My wife and I's anniversary was last week!"
 Poor guy: "what did you get her?"
 Rich guy: "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes"

 Poor guy: "what made you decide to get her those?"
 Rich guy: "Oh, I figured that if she didn't like the diamond ring, she could drive it back to the jewellers. So, what did you get your wife?"
 Poor guy: "I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo"

 Rich guy: "What made you decide to get her those?"
 Poor guy: I figured that if she didn't like the flip-flops, she could go fuck herself."

[clementi]

Joke: The young girl and grandma

 

A young girl was going on a date.

 

Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let Him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

 

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."

Granny fainted.

[worldangel]

Joke: A less costly way

 

After having their 11th child, a Newfie couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Newfie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5......"

......at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand........

[worldangel]

Joke: The curse

 

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: After work

 

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

 

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

 

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer

 

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.

 

The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

 

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Reason

 

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady say's "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: During the lunch break

 

Once there were three construction workers. When it was lunchtime one day, they all sat down together.

The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, turkey! I hate turkey!" So he shot himself with a rivet gun.

The second one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, ham! I hate ham!" So he jumped off the building.

The third one opened his box and said, "Eeew, mac and cheese! I hate mac and cheese!" So he ran himself over with a bulldozer.

At the funeral, their three wives were talking about their lost husbands. The first two were very sad, but the third was rather puzzled.

The first wife said, "I thought he liked turkey!"
The second one said, "I thought he liked ham!"

But the third one was still puzzled. She said, "I thought he packed his own lunch."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Help ….

 

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.

The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"  "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The proposal

 

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Firefighter

 

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off of the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says, with admiration.

"Thanks," the little girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

 

The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The numbers

 

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

[marriedmly]

Joke: The numbers

 

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."

The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

 

 

is there a company called 7-UP?

[worldangel]

Joke: Pet cemetery

 

An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains.

 

As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead p*ssy."

 

The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said, "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Auction

 

A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300."

 

The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free." The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000."

 

"How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three women

 

One day 3 women went to the top of a water flume in a swimming pool. There was a black haired, brown haired, and a blonde haired woman.

 

When they got to the top a genie appeared from nowhere and said "when your going down the flume shout out the on thing that you want and you will land in it at the bottom.

 

So the black haired woman went down and shouted "money" and landed in a load of cash, the brown haired woman went down and shouted "gorgous men!" and landed in a pile of men.

 

The blonde woman wasnt listening to the genie so she went down shouting weeeeeee.

[worldangel]

Joke: Here, iron this

 

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

 

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

 

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doris

 

Doris is sitting in a bar and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

 

The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them."

 

Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys

 

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional."

 

The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker." They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?"

 

The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Inheritance

 

The Old Perfesser poses the following problem to one of
his classes:

 

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”

 

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Horse joke

Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed.

 

The first says, “I’ll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance. No foot, no horse!”

 

The second horse says, “I’ll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with. I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius ferrier!”

 

The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, “You’re right. I stand corrected.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Helping him

 

One nite, two boys start fighting in their bedroom when their parents are also in bed and just about to get to sleep. Very annoyed at having to get up, the father goes into the boy’s bedroom and holds them apart by the collar of their pyjamas.

 

The father turns to the oldest one and says ‘what do you think you are doing at this time of night?’ – the oldest boy knows he is in real trouble and answers truthfully – ‘fighting’.

 

The father then turns to the youngest boy and says ‘and what do you think you are doing?’ – the boy thinks for a few seconds and then says ‘helping him!’.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rancher joke

 

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows

 

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

 

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased “The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor’s cows.”

 

“Wow,” says the banker, “what did the vet do to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

 

“What kind of pills?” asked the banker.

“I don’t know,” says the farmer, “but they sort of taste like peppermint.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Great steaks

 

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he’d eaten
downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.

 

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over
the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large,
delicious, gigantic steaks.

 

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the
smallest steaks they’d ever seen.

 

“Now see here,” the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter.
“Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak.
Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?”

 

“Well, sir,” replied the waiter, “yesterday you were sitting by the
window.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Modern age grocery store

 

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

 

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

[batamsg]

just wonder

 

where u get all these jokes?

isnt it simple to just give the link

[worldangel]

Joke: Problem Solved?

 

A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette.

 

Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen.

 

He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found his cigarettes in the glove compartment.

 

Just then his cellphone rang. When he answered it, he discovered it was the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that the homeowner had just called them in a panic.

 

It seems their son’s favorite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen the hamster while he was in the house?

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At a Cafeteria

 

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly lady sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her.

 

Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice “Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!”

 

“So would I,” sighed the girl, “but you know, there just isn’t time enough during a coffee break….”

 

[batamsg]

wow. Non stop.

i thought its a forum

 

suddenly its copy paste?

[worldangel]

Joke: Hijacked plane

 

Little Johnny looked so sad his teacher had to inquire what was wrong. “What’s the problem?” she asked. “I hope it’s not about your homework again.”

 

“Well, uh, yes it is,” Little Johnny says. “I accidentally made my homework paper into a paper airplane.”

 

“That wasn’t the smartest thing to do,” said the teacher, “But, just this once, I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.”

 

 

 

“Sorry, but that won’t work,” Little Johnny replied, looking even sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked!”

 

 

 

[batamsg]

wow. Very free.

lol

[worldangel]

Joke: New Boyfriend

 

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

 

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”

 

“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sale

 

“I see you went crazy at the big summer clearance sale,” Wanda comments, as she looks at all the bags of merchandise her friend, Carol just brought home from the store.

 

“You got that right … I almost bought their elevator ’cause it was marked down.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding?

 

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

 

When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

 

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies’ room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Then, without batting an eye, she said coyly, “I’ll bet none of you thought I would make it.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mental hospital menu

 

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

 

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

 

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

 

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

 

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

 

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

 

(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A horse in the house

 

Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but was having much trouble getting the horse’s cooperation. A passerby stopped and asked if he could help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted.

 

After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to the front door of Joe’s department. Joe indicated that the horse was to go through the door. More pushing and shoving.

 

Once inside, Joe and the passerby managed to work the horse up the steps and into Joe’s apartment on the third floor, then through the living room and into the bathtub.

 

Wiping the sweat from his brow, the good Samaritan said, “I don’t want to be nosy, but this is most unusual…”

 

Joe said, “When my wife comes home, she’ll look in the bathroom and say, ‘There’s a horse in there!’ “

 

“Hey, how many times in a man’s life will they ever get the chance to tell their wife, ‘I know! I know!’?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Puppy love

 

Why it’s nice to be a dog…

No one expects you to take a bath every day.

Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.

 

When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.

If it itches, you can reach it.

And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
public.

 

You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.

If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap

Having big feet is considered an asset.

 

If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.

No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.

No matter where you live, you own the place.

 

Your mate never complains because you whine.

Puppy love can last.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Ideas

 

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

 

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker “Dustbuster.” The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.

 

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

 

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously “erased.”

 

A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.

 

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of “oomph.”

 

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Why Are We Here?

So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, “Dad, why are we here?”

 

And this is what I said:

 

“I’ve thought a lot about it, son, and I don’t think it’s all that complicated. I think maybe we’re here just to teach a kid how to bunt or eat sunflower seeds without using his hands.

 

“We’re here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We’re here to look all over, give up, and then find the ball in the hole.

 

“We’re here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt, and the Converse sneakers we lettered in on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be.

 

“We’re here to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing, and still call it a perfect morning.

“We’re here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. We’re here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying.

 

“I don’t think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. We’re here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn’t.

 

“I don’t think we’re here to make SportsCenter. The really good stuff never does. Like finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red 327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible, and an unopened map of Vermont’s backroads.

 

“None of us will find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, ‘I wish I’d spent more time on the Hibbings account.’ We’re going to say, ‘That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!’

 

“See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy, when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We’re not here tonfind a way to heaven. The way is heaven.

 

“Does that answer your question, son?”

 

And he said, “Not really, Dad.”

And I said, “No?”

And he said, “No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?”

[clementi]

Joke: Funny Duck

 

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

 

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

 

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on …. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

 

 

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

 

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”