Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Actors

 

Two actors who haven’t seen each other in several weeks run into each other on the street.

 

1st actor: Haven’t seen you in a while. How’s everything going?

 

2nd actor: Pretty good. Two weeks ago I got a call from a lawyer in Florida. It seems I had an aunt that I never knew about that died and left me $2,000,000.

 

#1: That’s great!

#2: Yeah. And then last week I hit the lottery and won $7,000,000.

#1: That’s wonderful!

#2: Yeah, but this week, nothing!

 

[batamsg]

thats wonderful

[worldangel]

Joke: Nursing home

 

 

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”
“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Time is Relative

 

A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

 

 

“What you should do is go out and buy a late 70’s or early 80’s model Dodge Pickup,” said the Pastor. “Then go get married to the meanest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.”

 

 

The fellow asked, “Will this help me live longer?” “No,” said the pastor, “but it will make what time you do have seem like forever.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Truth

“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

 

 

“If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wreckage

 

“Oh,No!” he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived, he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16 year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

 

 

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. “Danny! Danny!” he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn’t understand how this could have happened.

 

 

There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, “Danny!”

 

 

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. “Yes, Dad,” he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

 

 

“It’s time to get up and get ready for school,” the man sighed, “and, for Heaven’s sake, clean up this room!”

Edited August 28, 2014 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Insurance

 

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.”

 

The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one, practically identical, of comparable worth.”

 

There was a long pause before Susan replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Season Ticket

 

 

The wife was reading a newspaper, while her husband, was engrossed in a
magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. “Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife
for a season ticket to the stadium.”

 

“Hmmm,” said the husband, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, the wife said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”

“Absolutely not,” he said.

 

“How sweet,” she said. “Tell me why not.”

“Season’s more than half over.”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Music To My Ears

 

I was a percussion major when I was in college, and during a rehearsal of the student orchestra, my section kept making mistakes.

 

“When you’re too dumb to play anything,” the professor conducting us sneered, “they give you a couple of sticks, put you in the back, and call you a percussionist.”

 

A friend next to me whispered, “And if you’re too dumb to hang on to both sticks, they take one away, put you in the front, and call you a conductor.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Amnesia

 

A new patient was being examined by a doctor. According to her
husband, she seemed to be suffering from amnesia.

 

The doctor turned to her and asked, “Have you ever had this before?”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother’s Day versus Father’s Day

A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

 

“Nothing,” said the woman.

 

Not buying it, he asked again. “Seriously, what’s wrong?”

 

“Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, They don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you’.”

 

“Well don’t feel bad.” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father’s Day gift.”

 

“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blond Handywoman

 

 

A blond, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a “handywoman” and started canvassing the neighborhoods. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

 

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said. “How much will you charge me?”

The blond quickly responded, “How about $50?”

 

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?”

 

He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.”

A short time later, the blond handywoman came to the door to collect her money.

 

“You finished already?” the husband asked.

“Yes,” the blond replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats – no extra charge.”

 

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

“And by the way,” the blond added, “it’s not a Porch — it’s a Lexus.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Paint my House

 

A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman enters.

 

The man can’t stop staring at her. The young woman notices this and walks directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman says to him, "I'll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asks what the condition is.

 

The young woman replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket, and hands the woman five $20 bills.

 

He looks deeply into her eyes and slowly says, "Paint my house."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nanosecond

 

I have discovered the answer to a question that has been puzzling scientists for hundreds of years.

 

What is the exact difference between a split second and a nanosecond? My girlfriend and I were getting ready to go to a movie when, right as we were about to leave home, my girlfriend asked me the question all guys dread.

 

She asked, “Does this make my butt look big?” If I had said “no” in a nanosecond, we’d have been out the door. Since I took a split second, she had to go to the mall and buy new outfits with jewellery, shoes, and purses to match.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Testing the waters

 

There are some girls that like to do something called "homie hopping" and homie hopping is basically a girl dates a guy and then she ends up trying to get with his friends, and then she gets with someone new, then jumps to his other friends, and so on.

 

Guys have this and it's called "testing the waters".

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cleanliness

 

"If you're going to work here young man, " said the boss, "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm."

 

"Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?"

 

"Oh, yes, sir."responded the young man. "And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Can’t Sleep

 

 

The senior civil servant went to the doctor and complained of being unable to sleep.

 

 

Doctor: ‘Oh! Don’t you sleep at night?’

 

 

Civil servant: ‘Yes, I sleep very well at night. And I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings, too – but I find it’s very difficult to sleep in the afternoons as well.’ 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Heart Surgeon

 

 

Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

 

 

Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, “Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute.”

 

 

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, “So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind ‘em, put in new parts, and when I’m finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?”

 

 

Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, “Try doing your work with the engine running.”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandmother

 

Sweet grandmother telephoned Mary Hitchcock Memorial Hospital. She timidly asked, ‘Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is

doing?’

 

The operator said, ‘I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number?’

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, ‘Norma Findlay, Room 302.’

 

The operator replied, ‘Let me place you on hold while I check with her
nurse.’

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, ‘Oh, I
have good news.

 

Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure
is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician,
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.’

 

The grandmother said, ‘Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.’

 

The operator replied, ‘You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your
daughter?’

 

The grandmother said, ‘No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me
shit.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Hairy bikers

 

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

 

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

 

After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous.

 

Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The blonde

 

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

 

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

 

Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump..”Fu

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

 

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

 

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I did too, but didn’t think he’d do it again.”

 

Bob took the money…

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Harry & Esther

 

A married couple, Harry and Esther, are out shopping one morning when Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow.

 

What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric." Harry replies, "How about a chair?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Toy plane

 

A little boy gets a toy plane. The boy loves his plane. He flies it all over the house. One day, the boy is in the living room with his plane while his mom is in the kitchen washing dishes.

 

She listens to the boy playing and hears him say, "Vroom, vroom, vroom. All you mother fucking people want to get on, get on. All you mother fucking people want to get off, get off."

 

Angry, his mom rushes into the living room, takes the plane away, and sends him into his room. After 15 minutes, she starts to feel bad and tells the boy, "If you don't use that kind of language, you can play with your plane."

 

The boy returns to the living room, his mom to the kitchen. She listens again to the boy playing, she hears him say, "Vroom, vroom, vroom. All you very nice people want to get on, get on. All you very nice people want to get off, get off. If you have a problem with 15 minute delay, you can go talk to the bitch in the kitchen!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Factory workers

 

Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Restaurants

 

There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."

 

 

The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

 

 

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Difficult essay exam

 

One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests.

 

The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.

 

 

The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"

The prof said, "No and I don't care."

The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"

The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.

"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No school today

 

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.

"Why not, son?"

 

 

"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."

 

 

"But why don't you want to go today?"

"Because our English teacher died yesterday!" 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You’ve got mail

 

One day a blond went out to check her mail box. There was nothing in it. Her neighbour who was also out there gives her a weird look.

 

An hour later she goes back out to her mailbox and goes back in cause there was nothing in it and her neighbour goes "What the hell is she doing?"

 

An hour later she goes back outside and looks in the mailbox and there is nothing in it. Finally the neighbour gets curious enough to ask her what she is doing.

 

The blonde says, "My stupid computer keeps saying you've got mail."

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Merry-go-round

 

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

 

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

 

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

 

[clementi]

Joke: Two hunters

 

Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

 

The other guy takes out his phone and calls 911 and gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

 

There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Underwear

 

Two women friends had gone out for a girls night out, and had been overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very close to a graveyard, and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

 

The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. Her friend however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

 

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the other husband and says, "These girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, "From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Hearing aid

 

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?"

 

The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: The Browns

 

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek.

 

Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied.

 

"What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Detector robot

 

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school."

 

The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!"

 

The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father.

 

The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

 

 

[marriedmly]

hahaha

 

that's cute

[worldangel]

Joke: Homework assignment

 

Little Johnny's teacher gives the class a homework assignment, "Explain the difference between a theory and reality." Little Johnny goes home and is so stumped he asks his sisters ages 21 and 16 for help, and they can't come up with anything either. He then tries asking his father.

 

The father thinks for a bit and replies, "Go to your older sister and ask her if she would suck a guys dick. Then ask her if she would do it for a million dollars. Then go to your younger sister and ask her the same two questions. Write down their answers and bring it back to me." Johnny says, "Okay," and runs off to find his older sister.

 

He asks her the first question and she responds, "Maybe, if I like him." "Would you do it for a million dollars?" She replies, "Hell yes!" He finds the younger sister and asks her the same questions. Her first reply was "Eeeew, no!" but the second answer was "Yeah, sure."

 

Johnny writes down their answers and takes them back to his father. The father looks over them and replies, "There you go." Johnny asks, "What do you mean?" The father says, "Well in theory we have two million dollars, but in reality we have two cocksuckers."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 3-legged Chicken

 

A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged chicken. He accelerated and passed the chicken. Three minutes later the chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph.

 

The man tried to catch the chicken but it ran down a side road. The man followed it into a farmyard but couldn't find it anywhere. He saw the farmer and told him the story and the man asked for an explanation. The farmer said that he, his wife and his son all liked chicken legs so he bred 3-legged chickens.

"What do they taste like?" asked the man.

 

"I don't know", replied the farmer, "we haven't caught one yet"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ex-Prisoner

 

A man goes out of prison after twenty years. He decides to go back to the neighbourhood where he lived. When he gets there he cannot recognize the place. Everything has changed a lot. The places he used to visit have all disappeared. Even the pub has disappeared.

 

He is very tired and would like to have something to eat. He goes into a small café and has a coffee and a sandwich. When he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker ticket in it. He then remembers that the last thing he had done before being arrested was to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's. He decides to go there and try.

 

 

What a wonderful thing! The shoemaker is still at the same place. He gets into the shop and tells the shoemaker that about twenty years before he had left him a pair of shoes to have them repaired.

 

The shoemaker has a look at the ticket and says: "O.K. Come back tomorrow. They will be ready then." Some things never change.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old friends

 

Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children.

 

One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby.

 

Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A piece of string

 

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'

 

 

The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he says to one of the girls, would you tie a knot in me?' This she does. 'Please,' the piece of string says to the other girl, 'would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?' so the girl obliges.

 

 

'Thank you' says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again.

 

 

The barman looks at him quizzically and says 'aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?'

 

 

'No' came the answer, 'I'm a frayed knot.'

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The two dogs

 

There was a man who has two dogs, named 'commonsense' and 'trouble'.

 

He always brought his dogs to the park every evening. One day, he only brought 'trouble' to the park, and left 'commonsense' at home. while the man was so happy playing 'frisbee' with his friends, 'commonsense' disappeared.

 

The man was so sad and panicky. He looked for his dog everywhere but could not find it. A lady realised it and asked the man, "What are you looking for?".

 

The man replied "I'm looking for 'trouble'...". "pardon..", said the lady. The man replied in a higher tone "I am looking for 'TROUBLE'".

 

The lady was annoyed and asked "Where's your COMMONSENSE?". The man whose mind was only about his dogs, answered "At home..."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Brick

 

When a very tired man got on a crowded bus one afternoon, he could not find an empty seat. A small dog was sitting on one seat, so he asked the lady with the dog to put the dog on her lap.

 

The lady refused and they got into a big argument. Finally, the driver stopped the bus and told the lady to put the dog on her lap.

When the man sat down, he took a pickle out of his pocket and began noisly sucking on it. When the lady told him the sound and smell was irritating, he told her she should have thought about being nice when he had asked her to move the dog.

 

They began another argument and the lady threw the pickle out the window. The man then threw the dog out the window. Just then the bus stopped and the dog got in line to get back on. Guess what the dog had in its mouth?

---The brick!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A fly in my soup

 

 A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:

 

"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"

 

"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: … nothing

 

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stupidity

 

The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband.

 

He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?"

 

 

"There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Giving birth

 

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby.

 

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.

"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."

"Thanks be to..."

Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In a cafe

 

A customer ordered some coffee in a cafe. The waitress arrived with the coffee and placed it on the table.

 

 

After a few moments, the customer called for the waitress "Waitress," he said, "there's dirt in my coffee!".

 

"That's not surprising, sir, replied the waitress, "It was ground only half an hour ago."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old ladies

 

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking amongst opened his trench coat.

The first old lady had a stroke. Then the second old lady had a stroke. But the third old lady . . . she couldn't reach that far.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The brain

 

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The groom

 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

 

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

 

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."