Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Boys-out trip

 

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect boys-out trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going. Rob's friends were very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who'?

"I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.

"And then she said, 'Now you can do what ever you want.'

"So here I am....!!!"

 

Moral of the story: Never deny a man meeting his friends!!

[worldangel]

Joke:Preferential treatment

 

A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant.

"Men prefer thin women," said the skinny woman.

"Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one.

"No, your boyfriend told me that!"

[worldangel]

Joke:How to get out of anext speeding ticket!

 

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

[worldangel]

Joke:The pop machine.

 

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

[worldangel]

Joke:Halloween party

 

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. "Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, "I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around." She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched.

There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked "Well, how was the party?" He replied, "It was no fun without you honey." She said, "I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!"

 

He replied, "Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time."

[worldangel]

Joke:Four Kids

 

There were once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners, and Trouble.

Poop was riding his bike and fell. Manners went to help him up. Trouble got lost. Shut Up goes to the Police Station.

Officer: What's your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.

Officer: What's your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.

Officer: For the last time, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!
Shut Up: Shut Up!

Officer: Are you looking for Trouble?
Shut Up: Ya, we lost him about 2 miles back.

Officer: Where's your Manners?
Shut Up: Back there pickin' up Poop.

[worldangel]

Joke:Sympathetic visitor

 

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

[worldangel]

Joke:Mommy Dearest!

 

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

Sad and broken up she looked at me and said -
"Mommy, where's my booger?

[worldangel]

Joke:Mother Knows Best

 

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts,John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

[clementi]

Joke:Let me say grace!

 

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.

Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Ya gotta love dem Cajuns

 

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in
Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants,
having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the
department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The
manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest,
but we' ve decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why
you gonna be doindat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers,
but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "Anjus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo
bettadan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5,
'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Doctor visit

 

 

A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[clementi]

Joke: Fix the problem

 

A man came home from work one day and his wife asked him to fix the toilet. The man says "who do i look like the plumber?" and never fixed it....

The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the garbage disposal. The man says "who do i look like a blad specialist?" and never fixed it....

The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the refrigerator. The man says "who do i look like the maytag repair man?" and never fixed it....

The man comes home the next day and his wife told him she hired someone to fix the fridge, someone to fix the garbage disposal, and someone to fix the toilet.

The man asks his wife "how much did it cost?" His wife says "i had to either bake them a cake or have sex with them." The man asks his wife "what kinda cake did you bake them?" the wife says "who do i look like Betty Crocker?"

[clementi]

Joke:Married woman vs single woman

 

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

[clementi]

Joke:Problem with women

 

 

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: The ideal man

 

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!"

A lady at a nearby table overheard this and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A walking economy

 

This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend asks, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Bosses versus workers

 

When I take a long time, I am slow.

When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.


When I don't do it, I am lazy.

When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.


When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.

When my boss does the same, that is initiative.


When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.

When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.


When I do good, my boss never remembers.

When I do wrong, he never forgets.

[worldangel]

Joke:Bank customer service

 

"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Daughter in college

 

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?


As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"

[worldangel]

Joke: How you made money?

 

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost in a balloon

 

Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion. After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country road, they see a man walking below. One of the balloonists calls down to him:

"We're lost! Can you tell us where we are?"

The man thinks for a while, looks down, looks up, looks down again, stares into space for a minute, and then cries out:

"You're in a balloon!"

The wind picks up, and the balloon floats off. After a moment, one balloonist says to the other:

"That man must be a manager."

"Why?"

"Three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer. Second, he was perfectly correct. Third, his answer was perfectly useless!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke :Main vice-president

 

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stop being late to work

 

 

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

 

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The copy machine handout notice

 

In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet.

The copier is out of order!

Yes, we have called the service man.

Yes, he will be in today.

No, we cannot fix it.

No, we do not know how long it will take.

No, we do not know what caused it.

No, we do not know who broke it.

Yes, we are keeping it.

No, we do not know what you are going to do now.


Thank You

[clementi]

Joke:……………….body

 

 

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

 

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

 

Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

[clementi]

Joke: Newest ATM machines

 

"The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man."

[clementi]

Joke: Paying in advance

 

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's post-dated six years from now."

[clementi]

Joke: Repairing the phone

 

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.

The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The boss tells some jokes

 

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"

"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."

[clementi]

Joke: Those who don’t know

 

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.

Those who don't know are also in two groups.

One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!

But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Travel in a sailboat

 

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"

"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Wealthy investors

 

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Wealthy investors

 

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The chemist assistant

 

A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".

The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.

The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile, and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.

"Yes!!" she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!!"

The boss replied "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 .....he's the window cleaner"

[worldangel]

 The confused patient

 

After returning home from an examination, the young woman phoned her gynaecologist and asked: “Doctor, would you see if by chance I left my underwear in your office?”

He looked in the examining room, returned to the phone, and told her,
“I’m afraid they are not here.”

“Sorry to trouble you, doctor,” she said. “I’ll try my dentist.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Making a living in Las Vegas

 

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Supernatural encounter

 

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural.

He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands.

He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"
Half the audience puts up their hands.

"And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.

He asks: "And who here has had sex with a ghost?"
One little man in the back row puts up his hand...

The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have had sex with a ghost?"

The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."

[worldangel]

Joke: Not a robbery

 

Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes.

"Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"

"You ain't being robbed" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!"

The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who is Marylou?

 

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Share and Share Alike

 

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The desperate oldie

 

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her clothes before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "Heaven, I hope so, cause you've got the ugliest assets I've ever seen."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Message delivered

 

Husband sent a text to his wife at night, "Hi Honey! I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."

After a while he sent another text, "And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car."

She text back, "OMG really?"

Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."

 

[clementi]

Joke: The requirements of this job

 

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Why did he fire you?

 

Two neighbours were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

[clementi]

Joke: The price of love

 

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

 

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything but... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch.”

The man perks up at this.

“So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision.”

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
"I have" says the man.

“And has she helped you in making the decision?”
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We're getting a new kitchen.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Pancake – Lots of them

 

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small shaft.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Returning of favour

 

One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentine’s day this year so I guess

I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Risk of teenage pregnancy

 

 

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

 

 

 

 

Joke: Different Wavelengths

 

The female brain works on a different tangent than male.

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her, "Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die!"

My wife got up from the sofa with a real look of admiration towards me & proceeded to disconnect the Cable TV & DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin & vodka and the beer from the fridge...

 

 

 

Joke: Different Wavelengths

 

The female brain works on a different tangent than male.

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her, "Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die!"

My wife got up from the sofa with a real look of admiration towards me & proceeded to disconnect the Cable TV & DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin & vodka and the beer from the fridge...

 

 

 

 

Joke: Different Wavelengths

 

The female brain works on a different tangent than male.

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her, "Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die!"

My wife got up from the sofa with a real look of admiration towards me & proceeded to disconnect the Cable TV & DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin & vodka and the beer from the fridge...

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Guts & Balls

 

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS: Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS: Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Baby."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. However there is No difference in the outcome. Both are fatal.