Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy Mother’s day!

 

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again, "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as 'Thank you.'"

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

[worldangel]

Joke: Whom to marry?

 

 

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."

The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."

The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"

Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"

Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Falling on deaf ears

 

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, "Boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop!"

The other Buddy says, "When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen."

"How do you do that?" says the other.

"It's easy! I turn off the light!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Widow’s future

 

A woman visits a fortune-teller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. But you will make a fortune"

Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted or will they catch me for the crime?

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The meat slicer

 

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John absent so he asks the manager,
"Where's John?"

The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found sticking his tool in the meat slicer"

Then the man asked, "Where is the meat slicer now?"

The butcher then replied, "I fired her too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Different Wavelengths

 

The female brain works on a different tangent than male.

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her, "Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die!"

My wife got up from the sofa with a real look of admiration towards me & proceeded to disconnect the Cable TV & DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin & vodka and the beer from the fridge...

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexual hair-assment

 

This lady walks into her boss's office one day and says, "Sir, I'd like to file a sexual harassment complaint."

Her boss says, "Well what's your complaint?"

She says, "My co-worker Joe said my hair smelled nice."

The boss says, "That's really not sexual harassment."

The lady counters, "But, Joe's a midget!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You are ABCDEF

 

 

After 15 years of marriage the wife asked her husband to describe her.

The husband looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said, "ABCDEFGHIJK."

"What does that mean?" She asked.

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot!!!" he replied.

Wife Smiling asked, "So sweet of you honey. What about IJK?"

He replied, "I'm Just Kidding!

[worldangel]

Joke: Room in Hell

 

A self-centered, unbelieving man... ok a lawyer... died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

"I'll choose this room," he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "O.K., coffee break is over, back on your heads."

[clementi]

Joke: Court Exchanges 1

 

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, “Disorder in the American Courts”…………

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

 

 

WITNESS: He’s twenty — much like your IQ.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Court Exchanges 2

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 

WITNESS: Are you kiddin’ me?

 

[clementi]

Joke: Court Exchanges 3

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

 

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

 

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

[clementi]

Joke: Court Exchanges 4

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

 

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

 

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I’m going with ‘a male’.

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Court Exchanges 5

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Court Exchanges 6

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Court Exchanges 7

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..

 

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Court Exchanges 8

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

 

[clementi]

Joke: Court Exchanges 9

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

 

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[clementi]

Joke: You are a chicken

 

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Mexican Genie

 

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.

The Mexican is stunned.

The Genie says,"HelloMaster,I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid...smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally, Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."

ARRIBA!!!!!!! ARRIBA!!!!!!!!

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Christmas

 

A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.

 

“Santa!” he says. “What are you doing working here? Shouldn’t you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?”

 

Santa Claus sighs. He’s really let himself go. The red suit’s got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron’s in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn’t want to be serving up kebabs for a living.

 

“Well,” Santa says at last, “the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But… it didn’t help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation.”

 

“Gee,” the guy says. “I’m really sorry, it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way.”

 

“Yeah,” says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. “Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?”

The guy says, “I’ll have a large Donner.”

 

“Sorry,” says Santa. “We’re all out of Donner…….Will Blitzen do instead?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What is the time?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ugly person illness

 

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

 

The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Chef on board

 

An Airline starts a new concept... Chef on Board. This demanding passenger walks into a plane and tells the hostess, "Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove.

"Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove.

"And while you're at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove."

The hostess took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man:

"The chef said you can kiss his A*s, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.

[clementi]

Joke: Customer complaint

 

 

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

Dear Mr. Finnegan,

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company

Gentlemen,

 

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his A*s.

That... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

[clementi]

Joke: Sober vs Drunk

 

The skipper of a tramp steamer, in writing up the log recording an eventful day, rounded off his task with the entry: "Mate intoxicated."

To the mate, who indignantly protested on reading it, the skipper retorted: "Well, it's true, ain't it?"

On the following day it was the mate's duty to write up the log, and he completed his account with "Skipper sober."

The captain stared at it for a moment, then exploded.

"Well, it's true, ain't it?" was the mate's rejoinder!

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Work pressure

 

Once I was flashing my ID card instead of unlocking the house door with keys.

Me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants and as I finished I started walking towards the wash basin with Plates in my hand.

Once I was on call with my father and mom was not around. I went on to ask, "Why is she not attending the weekly status call?"

I don't login to facebook, youtube, etc..atmy personal internet connection at home... thinking it will be blocked any way. Till I realize that I am at home.

Once after talking to one of my friends I ended the conversation saying, "Ok bye... in case of any issues will call you back"

Sometimes when I mistakenly delete a message from my mobile, I hope for a second, maybe it's in the recycle bin !

Once I went to a pharmacy and asked for a tab. Pharmacist asked whether I want 250mg or 500mg? I replied 256mb. Thank god he didn't notice.

And I, after a hectic week, went to a movie. In the middle of the movie, when I wanted to check the time, I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the Theatre Screen.

So avoid working so hard !
Have a great work-life balance.


Lastly.....
Height Of Work Pressure:

An employee opens his tiffin box on the road side to see, whether he is going to office, or coming back from office.

[clementi]

Joke: Two old good boys

 

 

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.

Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it saygonorrhea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s a puppy

 

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

 

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking.

 

She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

 

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

[worldangel]

Joke: 10-speed bicycle

 

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $180,000 mortgage and no friken bike!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Elderly couple

 

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

 

 

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbour about how much the class helped him.

 

 

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbour.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbour

.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At cashier counter

 

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her agitated state of mind and angry demeanor, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slownessof the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have, you'll be home in no time."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old ladies

 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had sharedall kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me, I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Four or fore play

 

After the big Superbowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed. "All right honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."

"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies. "What's the Four Play?" says Doug. "You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: SHIT

 

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

 

 

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

 

 

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

 

 

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

 

 

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cross-eyed bull

 

Farmer Brown, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.

"Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop."

The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross.

He says to himself, "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself."

He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke.

"Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing."

Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.

Finally, he said, "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Let’s trade positions and you blow and I will watch."

Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.

"What the hell are you doing, Luke?" says Farmer Brown.

"What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Murderous neighbour

 

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying b*stard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You t*ghtwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " Iwill hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sugar test

 

One day Paddy, goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist and says, "Could you taste this for me, please?"

The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the pharmacist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.

"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A mother’s gift

 

A guy's mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one.

As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, "What -- you didn't like the other one?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Trouble on the roof

 

 

Mike and Rob were laying tile on a roof when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid?" Rob replied." I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid?" Mike answers. "You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: House on fire

 

A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets his daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.

So a fireman asks him, "Why are you going back in there?"

The man replies, "I'm turning over

[worldangel]

Joke: Too young to die

 

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps.

He whispers in her ear, "Iron this... then get me a beer.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Having a bad day

 

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric socket.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.

[worldangel]

Joke: Sympathetic visitor

 

 

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

[worldangel]

Joke: Boys out-trip

 

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect boys-out trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going. Rob's friends were very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who'?

"I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.

"And then she said, 'Now you can do what ever you want.'

"So here I am....!!!" Moral of the story: Never deny a man meeting his friends!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Flagpole

 

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

 

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Emergency signal

 

Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.

Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.

One says to the other, "What shall we do?"

The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.

He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.

What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"

The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...

[clementi]

Joke: Foreman’s position

 

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.

 

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

[clementi]

Joke: At her funeral

 

She married and had 13 children.  Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: After the show

 

One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer?"

She said "Yes."

"OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.