Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Neither did I?

 

A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber.? The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.

The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that? much as a lawyer!."

The plumber quietly replied, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bronze statue of a rat

 

 

A man walks into a curio shop in Haifa. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner, "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve shekels for the rat, one hundred shekels for the story," said the owner. The man gave the man twelve shekels. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting, he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop.

"Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Lawyer."

[clementi]

Joke: How long must this go on?

 

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.?

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Insurance

 

 

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Mr Schwartz

 

A man can't find a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.

He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"

The guy says, "No, he's out playing golf."

He says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."

"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."

"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."

"He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month."

"Okay, then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."

He says, "Speaking!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: The rule

 

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

"Wait!" The old farmer said, "What are we fighting over?"

"For the possession of duck", the lawyer replied with anger.

The old farmer said with a gentle smile,?"Ok!...I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Paint the porch?

 

A young boy was going up the street looking for odd jobs. He saw an elderly gentleman sitting on his front porch. He walked up to the gentleman and asked if he had any work he could do?

The elderly gentleman thought for a while and remembered that the? back of his porch needed to be repainted so why not give him? that job and save some money.

He smiled and said “yes, the porch in the back needed painting."? So when the young boy got through with the work, the elderly gentleman paid the young lad.

 

The lad took his money and as he turned to go, he said ,"By the way Sir, that wasn't a Porsche, it was a Ferrari.

[clementi]

Joke: A fresh MBA

 

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $130,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 6-week vacation, 13 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, but you started it."?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Skilled or unskilled?

 

Sven and Olie worked together and were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Olie answered, "Panty stitcher: I sew the elastic onto women's panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it under unskilled labour, so she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel was a skilled job, the clerk gave him $600 a week.

When Ollie found he was furious. He stormed back into his office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yelled Olie. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says: "Yah, diesel fitter."?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New folding inventions

 

 

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton," replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Caught red handed

 

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "I have caught you red handed. Do you? have a license to catch those fish?"

"Nah, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The fastest thing

 

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" He asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular clich? for speed."

Then he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with The third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the same question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I'd shit my pants!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A dollar per point

 

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Call on an expert

 

 

Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidentally swallowed a quarter. He went crying to his mom, choking on the quarter.?

They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy.?

He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said: You must be an expert! The man replied, No sir I'm just a tax collector.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The note

 

At a sexual assault trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer, After reading the note the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it along to the rest of the jurors.

One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to screw you like you've never been screwed before."

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket. "Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.

"I can't, Your Honour," the juror answered. "It's personal."

[worldangel]

Joke: Police man and the drunk

 

A drunk was walking with one foot on the road and the other foot? on the curb. A policeman saw him.?

'I gotta arrest you, you're dead drunk' says the police man.?

'Officer are u sure I'm drunk?' says the drunk.?

'Yes' says the policeman.

To which the drunk replied: 'thank goodness! I thought I was cripple'.

[worldangel]

Joke: Testifying at IRS

 

Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you are a pauper." His accountant told him.

Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. "Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated." The lawyer said.

Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice.

"Let me tell you a story." The priest said. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel."

Joseph was confused. "What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"Simple." replied the priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get screwed."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Testing the blood

 

 

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.

The guy is so pleased he asks, "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Something for the cough

 

John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing. He ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.

Remembering his boss' warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the dang cough syrup. So, I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax?!! That won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will!" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Constipation problem

 

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation ?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lot of doctors do that

 

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't Veterinarians."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Are you stupid?

 

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.

He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

[worldangel]

Joke: Farmer and the cow

 

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked
him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor’s office

 

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "It's my old aunt here."

"Very well.   Madam, put your tongue out."

[worldangel]

Joke: Impressed manager

 

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.?
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.?

The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the
man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out
there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot
of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.
Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Canada sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?

[worldangel]

Joke: The man with no ears

 

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent
damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very
self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.
But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Can I now use stairs?

 

Once an honest man went to a Doctor for his cardiac problems, The Doctor Thoroughly examined him and gave him some pills and also asked him no to use stairs.

After few days he came back to him for re-check. He asked the Doctor, " Doc, Can I now use Stairs?"

The Doctor replied, " Sure you can...Why not?" The man breathed in relief and said, "Thank God, at least now I don't have to climb the pipe line".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Demands

 

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers.

 

They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Edited September 19, 2014 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Sharing your work

 

A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the hospital.

"How are things at the office going, Claudia?" she asked.

"Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon is making it with the Boss."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: With pleasure

 

As I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.

She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week."

I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.

She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Business

 

Man visits factory. Machine drops liquid rubber globules onto steam jet, which inflates the rubber until a nearby needle punctures it, letting off pressure and allowing finished item to drop into receptacle.

 

"This is our baby nipple line: pre-pierced and no moving parts whatsoever!" Visitor moves to the next room, sees almost the same setup except that the needle is set at a greater distance.

 

"This is our condom line!" "Wait a minute, they will have a hole in them! Don't you get complaints?". "Sure, we get a lot of complaints, but you should see what it does for our baby nipple business!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The most painful part

 

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game.? During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about? the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game, they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.?

"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they? cut IT off?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An old couple

 

An old couple goes to a sex doctor and asked him to watch them to have sex. He watches and sees no problem and tells them? everything looks fine.?

The next week, same thing happens. Same routine. The Doctor watches again, says everything looks fine.

This happens a few more weeks and the doctor finally says..."I don't understand. Week after week you come here and I’ tell you everything is okay. Just what is the problem..."

"Well, Doc. You see, we are not married, so we can't go to my house? or to hers. The Holiday Inn charges 75.00$ and Hilton charges 120.00$. We both retired and we don't have much money. You charges 50.00$? and Medicare sends us a check for 43.00$."

 

[clementi]

Joke: I don't know her

 

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.

"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Love Thy Husband

 

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."

"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."

"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Money Needed

 

A student had spent all his money, so he called his mother from college and asked if she could send him some.

"Of course, I'll send you some money, dear," Mom said. "By the way, you left your calculus book here when you visited last month. Would you like me to send that to you too?"

"Ummmmm, oh yeah, OK Mom," the boy replied.

So, Mom wrapped the book, together with the checks, kissed Dad goodbye and went to the post office to mail the parcel.

When she returned, Dad asked, "So, how much did you send him this time?"

"I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000," Mom replied.

"Have you lost your mind?" Dad exclaimed. "That's $1020!"

"Not to worry," Mom said calmly, as she kissed the top of Dad's head. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 check somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A Time of Weakness

 

Rosemary had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely.

Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Andy, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.

Andy picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic.

Andy had also been divorced for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosemary.

Despite her initial resistance to his advances, he finally suceeded in making love to her.

Rosemary was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"

"What do you mean, twice?" Andy asked. "We only did it once."

"Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?" Rosemary asked.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A Wife's Revenge

 

A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice.

Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw.

Terrified, her husband screamed, "Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?"

Placing the saw in her husband's hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied, "Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Anniversary Gift

 

With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion.

"Would you like to have a new mink coat?" Ron asks.

"No, not really," Sylvia responds.

"Well, how about a new Porche?" asks Ron.

"No, thanks," Sylvia replies.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" Ron suggests.

"No," says Sylvia.

"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Ron asks.

"I'd like a divorce, Ron," answers Sylvia.

"Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much," replies Ron.

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: I Want to Kill My Husband

 

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".

The lady replies "I want to kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position - the man is her husband and the lady is the pharmacist's wife - and shows it to the pharmasist .

He looks at the photo and says... "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Simple logic

 

 

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.

 

His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled, With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Signalman

 

A man wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.
Inspector: "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the same track?"

Man: " I would switch the points for one of the trains."
Inspector: "What if the lever broke?"
Man: "Then I'd dash down to the signal box and use the manual lever there."
Inspector: "What if lightning struck it?"

Man: "Then... I'd run back into signal box & phone the next signal box."
Inspector: "What if the phone was engaged?"
Man: "Well, in that case I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."

Inspector: "What would you do if that was vandalized?"
Man: "Oh, well, then I'd run into the village and get my Uncle Brown."
Inspector: " Why would you do that?!"
Man: "Because he's never seen a train wreck

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Heart attack

 

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still
beating."

"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock!!! "We've never had a politician in the family before!?

[worldangel]

Joke: You help me

 

 

A man goes to doctor and says:

'Doctor, I have a problem. When I drink tea, my eye aches (sp?) and when I stop, it stops too. Can you help me?'

Doctor says:' Take the spoon out of the cup!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Lucky saucer

 

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to
buy the cat for two dollars.

 

The storeowner replies: “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale”

The collector says: “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat” and the owner says: “Sold, and hands over the cat”

 

The collector continues: “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cats used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish” and the owner says: “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats”

[worldangel]

Joke: But I am not

 

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

 

“Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Legal questioning

 

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Doctor: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Doctor: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Doctor: No.

Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Doctor: No.

Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Doctor: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[worldangel]

Joke: Haircut

 

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

 

 

The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

 

 

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

 

 

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hi-Tech Joke

 

Daughter:
 
“Dad, I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia and he lives in the UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we’ve had two months of relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes.”
 
Father:

“Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and send them through Paypal.  And if you are fed up with your husband…. sell him on Ebay”.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Last Request

 

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."