Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Commitment

 

The Marine 3-star general in charge of the joint office called his entire staff in for an indoctrination meeting. When they were all inside, the general had his aide close the door and said, "If you're going to work in this office, you need to have COMMITMENT, each and every one of you. Nothing is more important."

He then said to his aide, "Let him go." The aide opened up the door to a side office, and in ran a 7-foot long alligator, snarling and snapping.

The general looked straight at his new people and said "You're each going to have to demonstrate COMMITMENT."

He then undid his belt and dropped his trousers around his knees. Immediately the alligator ran up and sunk his teeth right into the general's family jewels and held on tight. The general winced, but instantly composed himself and shouted, "This is COMMITMENT!"

He waited several seconds more, then took two of his fingers and jabbed the alligator in both eyes. The gator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the general.

"That, my friends, is COMMITMENT. Which one of you is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?"

There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring. Finally an AF fighter pilot stepped forward and said, "I will sir, if you promise not to poke me in the eyes."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do you ever hear voices?

 

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient. ?

 

Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?, asked the psychiatrist.

 

As a matter of fact, I do, said the patient. And when does this happen?, asked the psychiatrist. ?

 

Oh, said the patient, when I answer the telephone.?

[worldangel]

Joke: Good or bad news

 

The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination."Mrs. Smith, I have some good news for you."

 

The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Smith, not Mrs.""Oh. Well, in that case Miss Smith," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have some bad news for you."

 

Edited September 21, 2014 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Until tomorrow

 

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of prostitutes in London?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow.

Edited September 21, 2014 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Tennis ball

 

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

 

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the blonde girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Large letters

 

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In just need one copy

 

A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8pm he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. “Do you know how to work this thing? the older man asks.

 

“My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.? “Yes, sir” says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in. “Now, says his boss, I just need the one copy”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cabbies come from

 

 

A mother and her small daughter were in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother: “Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner??”

The mother replies: “Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work”

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says: “Ahhhhhhh, C’mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They’re hookers!”

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks: “Mummy, do the ladies have any children?”

The mother replies: “Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Enough is enough

 

My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, “You’re next!”

 

After a while, I figured out how to stop them. I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!

[worldangel]

Joke: I had a choice

 

A young businessman was seated next to an elderly priest on an airplane. Having a minor technical problem at the gate and the flight being delayed, the Captain apologized and announced that the airline would be buying a free round of drinks.

When the charming and very attractive flight attendant came by, the businessman ordered a double scotch. Then she asked the priest if he would like a drink.

“Oh, no thank you” replied the priest. “I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol”

Halting in mid-swallow and dribbling scotch down his front, the businessman quickly replaced his drink on the beverage cart and replied: “Excuse me, miss, I didn’t know I had a choice”

[worldangel]

Joke: I had a choice

 

A young businessman was seated next to an elderly priest on an airplane. Having a minor technical problem at the gate and the flight being delayed, the Captain apologized and announced that the airline would be buying a free round of drinks.

When the charming and very attractive flight attendant came by, the businessman ordered a double scotch. Then she asked the priest if he would like a drink.

“Oh, no thank you” replied the priest. “I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol”

Halting in mid-swallow and dribbling scotch down his front, the businessman quickly replaced his drink on the beverage cart and replied: “Excuse me, miss, I didn’t know I had a choice”

[worldangel]

Joke: Tick tock tick

 

 

Harvey’s grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey: “Vat sims to be ze problem?”

Harvey says: “I’m not sure, but it doesn’t go “tick-tocktick –tock” anymore. Now it just goes “tick tick tick”

The old man says: “Mmm-Hmm  and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice: “Ve haf vays of making you tock!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I want to speak to my lawyer

 

 

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week"

 

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week "

 

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

 

 

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing you say that."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Condoms For Every Man

 

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What's are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra

 

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

$10.00 a pill answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Woops sorry about that

 

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper.

 

The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket.

 

It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.

The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Writing a will

 

A man hears from a doctor that his end is near so he heads over to a lawyer to write a will.  The secretary watches as the man walks into the Lawyer’s office and as three minutes later the man walks off in a huff.

 

 “Can I help you?” asks the secretary, dashing after the obviously upset man. “HELP ME? THIS GUY IS CRAZY! I asked him to help me write a will and he says to me:  ‘sure, let me just ask you a few questions and then leave it all to me.’

 

 “I’ve heard before how lawyers are dishonest but this just takes the cake!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Deathbed

 

Edward was lying on his deathbed and the family was taking turns spending time with him. As he was speaking to his young granddaughter Emily, Edward suddenly smelled an all too familiar smell. Why it was his favourite – apple pie!

 

His wife Sandy must have been baking it for him to enjoy this one last time. “Emily dear,” asked Edward. “Would you please go ask Grandma for a slice of that Apple Pie? It’s smells so delicious!” Emily ran off to fulfill her dying Grandfather’s last wish.

 

A moment later, Emily returned empty handed. “Where’s my pie?” questioned Edward. “Grandma said it’s not for now” responded Emily, “it’s for the funeral”.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Last wishes

 

Old Max had started out as a diamond cutter, and through hard work and good judgment he finally became the owner of a National chain of jewelry stores. He was wealthy indeed.

 

But now, he lay dying, so he called his wife to his side. “Hannah,” he began, “I always meant to draw up a will but somehow I never got around to it. So pay close to attention to my last wishes.”

 

“Yes, Max, I am listening,” Hannah wept. “Whatever you want, it will be done.”

 

“First of all, the business I leave to Harry.”

 

“Oh, no, Max, not to Harry!” his wife protested. “With Harry it’s girl-girls-girls! Leave the business better to Jerome. He’s at least reliable and has a good head for figures.”

“Alright, let it be Jerome,” sighed the dying man. “To Harry I leave the stocks and bonds.”

 

“Better you should leave me the stocks and bonds. I should take care he doesn’t squander it on women or cards.”

 

“Very well, in your name I leave the securities. And the summer house I leave to our sweet Minnie.”

 

“Minnie!” exclaimed his wife. “What for what does Minnie need another summer house? Her husband didn’t buy her one last year? Give it to Anna – her husband is a poor man. After all she’s our flesh and blood too.”

“Fine! Anna gets the summer house,” he sighed resignedly. “And to our youngest Abe, I leave the car and the warehouses.”

 

“But Abe has already 2 cars. What does he need with another one? And he wants to be a musician – what would he do with warehouses? Take my advice and give them to Louis.”

 

That did it! Old Max had taken all he could of his wife’s interference. Raising himself off the pillow and summoning his last ounce of strength, he snapped, “Hannah, you are a good women and have been a fine wife and mother. But listen – who the hell is dying around here – you or me?”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Heaven

 

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him, “Before you meet with the Heaven,  I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

 

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the  ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

 

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Dying fears

 

Adam woke up suddenly, sweating all over.  “What’s the problem”, asked his wife.  “Are you OK?”   “I just dreamed that I died!” responded a shaken Adam.

 

“And it was so bad up there, and that’s why you’re sweating all over?” asked his wife.  “You bet!” exclaimed Adam.

 

“I got up there, and was right in front of G-d himself, when he suddenly sneezed…..and I didn’t know what to say to him!  Whoa was that traumatic!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bitter divorce

 

It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over. Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be. Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided.

 

 

“Ok”, said the judge, turning to Sam, “I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.” “That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it” said Sam “I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Clean restaurant

 

So these two roaches, Tom and Oscar, are hanging out next to a dumpster enjoying a snack. “Hey Tom” said Oscar to his friend, “You know that restaurant down the block? I went there yesterday to pick up some scraps, and I couldn’t believe how clean it was, I could practically see my reflection through the shiny waxed floor.”

 

“Oscar” hollered Tom spitting the food out of his mouth, “please not while I am eating!!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good and bad news

 

Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news.

 

Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.

“Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”

 

Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “What do I care? Just give me the bad news!”

 

“Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.”

Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?”

 

“The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Oops

 

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

 

“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.

 

“What did he say,” asked the nurse.

“OOPS!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Surgery

 

 

Before going in for surgery I thought it would be funny if I posted a note on myself telling the surgeon to be careful. After the surgery I found another note on myself .”Anyone know where my cell phone is????????”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Loyal secretary

 

Bernice had been employed at the same office for over 50 years and was the boss’s top secretary. Everyone was jealous of her. Every day when Bernice showed up for work she would open the drawer to her left, peek inside, and then lock it. When she finally died, her coworker Sandy, who was dying of curiosity, made it her mission to figure out what was in that drawer.

 

 

After days of searching she finally found the key. Sweating with excitement she slowly opened up the drawer. Inside was a folded piece of paper. Slowly she reached inside and took it out, while cautiously looking over her shoulder. After a few seconds of trepidation she opened it up.

 

 

It said the following “Put only one spoonful of sugar in the boss’s coffee.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Raise

 

Sam walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to  respectfully ask for a raise.”

 

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.  

 

“By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Son-in-law

 

Sam was the owner of a worldwide branch of stores and a multi-millionaire.

When his daughter Sandy got engaged to a very religious young man he called the future Groom into his office.

 

 

“So tell me,” said Sam, sitting the young man down. “What are your plans for the future?”

 

 

“Well”, said the Groom. “I plan on studying holy works all of my life.”

“And how exactly do you plan on supporting my daughter if you are studying all day?” questioned Sam.

 

 

“I am sure The Lord will provide.” Answered the young man.

“And what about your kids? How do you plan on supporting them?”

“The Lord will provide” answered the young man again.

 

“How did it go?” asked Sam’s wife after they finished talking.

“It went great” Sam replied. “I had just met the young fellow and already he thinks I’m the Lord!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Girl friend

 

 “Brian, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!” “Oh Dan,” responded Brian “I don’t know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!”

 

“Brian, that’s horrible!” said Dan putting his arm around Brian. “What type of a gift does she want already?”

 

“Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: “Why don’t you show me how much you care about me? Why can’t you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in second!”

 

“Dan what should I do? I don’t have that kind of money? I can’t go out and buy her a car!”

 

“A car? Asked Dan. “Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: About a grandma getting into trouble

 

Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”

 

“I sure do” Grandpa replied. “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”

“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”

 

“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”

“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”

“Huh?” questioned Grandpa. “Why’s that?”

 

“Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Sales associate

 

Sarah, a Sales Associate at Walmart, notices a man in the card section. When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help. “Can I help you?” she asks.

 

“Well I don’t know” the man responds “I’m having a problem, I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”

[clementi]

Joke: Happy boss

 

My boss called me into his office today.

“We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, Simon,” he said, “but over the last 5 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you

deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?”

“Vrooom! Vrooooom!” I replied.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Getting a raise

 

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!

 

In this life, we all need something most desperately. I think you should be understanding of the need$ of us workers who have given $o much support including sweat and service to your company.
I am sure you will guess what I mean and respond soon
Yours Sincerely,
Norman Soh

 

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

I know you have been working very hard. Nowadays, Nothing much has changed. You must have Noticed that our company is Not doing Noticeably well .
Now the newspaper are saying the world`s leading economists are not sure if the United States may go into another recession. After the November presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have nothing more to add now You know what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager

 

[clementi]

Joke: Last wish

 

Anne was on her deathbed breathing her last. “Anne”, said Anne’s husband Jim. “Please, please, tell me, is there anything I can do for you?”

 

 

“Well” croaked Anne, “There is something. After I die, it would mean so much to me if you would marry my best friend Sandra.”

 

“You have nothing to worry about Anne” said Jim taking her hand, “I’ve been thinking about that for a while now already.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flowers

 

 “What the heck is going on here?” said an angry  man storming into the florist shop. “I just lost one of my main clients and it’s your fault!”

 

“Why don’t you calm down a bit” said the lady behind the counter, “and let us know what exactly happened.”

 

“Well,” said the man “My biggest client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “congratulations on your new location.”

 

He calls me up and says to me “what’s the big deal with sending me  a note that says “rest in peace?!”

 

“Oh no!” she sighed, “now I know why I got a nasty message from the funeral parlour!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: After husband dies

 

Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed, and she just couldn’t seem to move on. “Listen here Suzie”, said her good friend Barbara, “maybe you should go see a psychic? One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”

 

So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice. “Is he here?” Suzie asked. “Yes, I sense him,” was her reply. “Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie hestitatenly asked. “He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke” said the psychic.

 

 

“Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar. I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he is or how I could get one to him?” Questioned Suzie urgently. “Hmm”, said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause, “he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Money talks

 

Eddy was just a regular guy. Except for the fact that he was an only child and the fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last.

 

 

Since Eddy was a soon to be billionaire it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with. Eddy approached his childhood crush. “Hey Sandra, I may look like a regular guy, but I’m soon gonna be a billionaire! Do you wanna come home with me?”

 

“Sure thing” Sandra replied, “I would love to come home with you.”

 

 

And that’s the story how Sandra became Eddie’s Stepmother.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife insult

 

 

“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”

 

“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”

 

“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”

“Never mind” said Harry looking down.

 

“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”

“Mary, please don’t make me.”

“Harry I insist.”

 

“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bar excuse

 

Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar. Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him.

 

“So what would you like?” Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him. “Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.”

 

“OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!”

 

Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging “Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?”

“See?” said Harry “and you think I come here just to have a good time?!“

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mean boss

 

The CEO of a large company was walking to the cafeteria along with two of his secretaries. Upon tripping on a bottle, a genie appeared and asked the threesome if they would like to each make a wish.

 

 

The first secretary excitedly exclaimed, “I wish I was on a beach in a tropical island!” Immediately her wish was granted.

The next secretary proclaimed, “I wish I was on a tour of France!” Immediately her wish too, was granted.

 

 

Being that it was now his turn to make a wish the CEO exclaimed “I want the two of them back in their offices right after lunch!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Meaningful conversation

 

 

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked: May I help you??

The farmer said, Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.?

The attorney said: Well do you have any grounds??

The farmer said: Yea, I got about 140 acres.? The attorney said: No, you don’t understand, do you have a case??

The farmer said: No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.?

The attorney said: No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge??

The farmer said: Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.?

The attorney said: No sir, I mean do you have a suit??

The farmer said: Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays?

The exasperated attorney said: Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything??

The farmer said: No sir, we both get up about 4:30.?

Finally, the attorney says: Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE??

And the farmer says: Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.?

[worldangel]

Joke: Why fishing is better

 

 

When you go fishing and you catch something, that’s good. If you’re making love and you catch something, that’s bad.

Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither and don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don’t have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don?t have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

[worldangel]

Joke: Snoring

 

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. You’ve got to have a room somewhere?, he pleaded with a proprietor. ‘Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy, admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.

No problem, the tired Army guy assured him, I’ll take it. The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

How’d you sleep? asked the manager. Never better?, said the soldier.

The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?? No, I shut him up in no time, explained the soldier.

How’d you manage that?? asked the proprietor.

Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek explained the soldier. Then, I whispered in his ear. Good night beautiful?, and he sat up all night watching me.?

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Psychiatric hotline

 

RING
RING
CLICK

Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."


If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.

[worldangel]

Joke: Newly-wed couple

 

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.

 

 

So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

 

 

After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Premature ejaculation

 

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

 

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position.

 

The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.

 

The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: BJ

 

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

 

Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate."

 

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

[worldangel]

Joke: .... something getting hard

 

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked.

 

 

The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.

 

 

The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost interest in sex

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

 

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"

 

The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."